Here's the one I was tempted to send today. It's very short, but thank god I didn't send it. I know I would have regretted it the second after I hit the "send" button. These kinds of messages are so much about hoping for a closure that ends on a positive note, but in reality they're a "hook" to keep the dysfunctional relationship alive. The only thing I would have accomplished would have been to 1) make myself feel bad if he never responded, or 2) get trapped in the same endless cycle of reconciliation, followed by deception. So here it is, for anyone's eyes but his:

"I hope you are well and that your new job is working out for you. I just wanted to tell that I'm not angry with you and I wish the best for you."

What a great topic! Heart wrenching responses...

Here's mine:
"I still think of you everyday, and I still miss you even though its been over a year. Our connection truly was special to me. I've made a lot of progress in my music career since I last saw you. I hope you still write. I hate how things ended between us. I know I was angry in my last email to you. I think you deserved my anger. But know that I don't wish harm on you. I don't forgive you for the horrible things you did, but I still don't hate you. Though you did bad things to me you changed me in so many positive ways too, and in a way I'm a better person because of you, even though I have also been wounded by you. I am sorry for all the bad things that happened in your childhood. I wish they never happened. I wish you didn't feel the need to bring me down so I would stay with you. Your bringing me down is why I left. There are healthier ways to keep people close to you rather than making them feel like they are unlovable and replaceable. I hope you choose to find those healthier ways. I still grieve for all we just can never have. I'm living my best life now, for me. That's what I want to do with the time I have here. Whatever you choose for yourself, know I still care, and I hope you choose better."

I understand that you carry a heavy burden in your life. I forgive you for ending our connection so abruptly. I know it is the best thing for both of us. I continue to pray for your wholeness and I continue to care. Just wanted you to know.

These unsent letters---including mine---are bringing tears to my eyes. They're all so full of love, understanding and forgiveness. And yes, they are wrenching, just like Goingup said. We're all throwing pearls before swine. One of my self-help books called it "misplaced compassion". We are compassionate, loving, giving people who chose the wrong person to give our gifts to. Thank god I saw this post today. In a moment of weakness I was tempted to send him my little note. I wanted to show him---prove to him---that I am a loving, compassionate person. I was hoping for one last chance at ending that nightmare on an upbeat and positive note and find meaning in it all. In reality sending that note would have unleashed a torrent of regret and possibly rekindled the cycle of pain and emotional abuse. He would have never given me the satisfaction of a positive ending, just like he never did the many other times I tried to get one out of him. Thanks for this post, UndercoverA. I'm coming back here every time I feel even the slightest temptation to write him.

I feel the same sangrocito...reading these posts brought tears...we are such loving women...with great compassion...and we got caught up with men who would never be able to recognize this. What strikes me the most is the ability we have to forgive. This will get us through the pain of the loss and move us to new and wondeful new places. Forgiveness is the only way out...which doesnt mean that we will ever be with these men...but forgiveness is for ourselves. Somehow, we seem to know this.
However, sending even a small note, for me, would only open the flood gates to continuing the madness that I have chosen to STOP. Like you, I have thought of the consequences of sending such a note, and it would only put me in a position of wanting a "response" from him and I know, in my heart and soul, that he would not respond in any way that would be benificial to ME.
Undercover this is a great post...and I, too, will come here when I feel the need to send him a letter...Thanks for this :)
Hugz and Blessings

I was driving home from work today when I realized that I was never in love with you. I fell in love wtih the Man I thought you were. The Firefighter I thought was honorable, honest, loyal, kind and respectful...but that is not who you are. Oh there is a small part of you that is that...but the bulk of who you are is Secretive, dishonorable, dishonest, disloyal, unkind and disrespectful. I get it. Maybe its because I've been though this before...but I realized that my ex husbands were not the Men I thought they were either and I got over them...even forgave them to the point of friendship......Unfortunately, because of the damage you created I dont think we will ever be friends. I am not angry and I am not sad, anymore. It's just the way it is...and its not going to change no matter what I do...and no matter what you do. You are who you are...and you are not for me.

Cndy2010.....so true....how we think we are in love with a man, when in fact we were in love with an illusion. It shakes the very core of our belief in ourselves. "Secretive, dishonorable, dishonest, disloyal, unkind and disrespectful"....I could use the same words to describe me ex. I won't let it happen again. The very second I see even a sliver of dishonesty I'm going to call him on it, and if there's even if he can't answer for himself honestly then it's over right there and then. I will not tolerate or ignore dishonesty ever again.

Thanks for sharing your letter.

My first day on the group and I read the wonderful inputs from goingup, sangroncito and cndy2010! How strange and reassuring to find that for every woman who is in recovery, writing these unspoken thoughts and feelings to the person who has put us in pain occurs more than once a day. I have spent the past year reaching out to someone, till my own inner voice began to rebel and ask, 'Can't you just get it? He doesn't want to be with you, period.' Every time I collect myself, there is a temptation to contact him or somehow communicate my fresh insights, renewed feelings of affection...and yes, hope. Reading these posts made me feel every one of my feelings was being mirrored. Thank you! And here is what I would say to him now:
I always prayed that there would be time left over, after you had solved all your problems, for us to be together, to embrace life with all the enthusiasm I still feel. Now, even though the prospects for such a happening are dim, if not extinguished, I wish you all strength and wisdom in finding your way out of your mess. I realize that being alone need not take away from my sheer enjoyment of things, places and people, and I don't hold you captive by wishing you were here. You have been the catalyst for great change in my life and I honour you for helping me through it all, even though later events proved you had your own secret agenda. I forgive you for your manipulations, but I will never again be their prey. I am whole, life is good, and there is time enough for both of us to discover its myriad joys in our own unique ways.

This is great. Today I was walking to the doctor praying to my higher power to tell me whether to text my ex or not. I have refrained for weeks now but have often written out the messages and just left them. The past few days I have been lonely, I have been ill and craving comfort. My ex was not the kind to give me much comfort when I needed it but the illusion of the man I wanted him to be could. In my imagination anyway. So I was praying; God tell me, should I text him or not? I was in the waiting room of a doctor surgery where I never have been before and there is no one else there. In walks in the very woman I ask for help around this stuff. Higher power spoke loud and clear. She said; 'do you really want to get back into a relationship the way it was, not how you hope it could be, but exactly as it was?'.. I do not. Then I came home and texted her and as I texted her I looked at this site and what do I see? A thread saying exactly what I was thinking all day. It's a funny old world. I can laugh at this but I will still have my temptations. I can't, my higher power can, I will try to hand it over to him in the knowledge that he knows best :-) Thanks for all the sharing on this topic. It is exactly what I need to keep me out of trouble.

I love you too much and when I needed you the most, you were not there for me and I was there for you; and my love for you still carries which actually makes it even harder. The things we shared~you shared with another.. .really wish you truly understood how much you mean to me and you wanted to try again. . .I know now that I need to let you go

It's great to read from you all, sometimes I feel so alone in this situation. My therapist told me 2 days ago that I had to completely cut him off my life, otherwise I would end up completely destroyed and no chance of a recovery. It seems like he could listen to us. He contacted me next day. I got trap in the hook to be honest but because I was scared.
Through his message I suspected he could be waiting for me home and I was terrified (he's the agressive, yelling, breaking things wanna kill someone type). Needed to find out so texted back to find out. His father got taken into Hospital and he needed money for the flight so he wanted to borrow it from me (he's been jobless for nearly 2 years now so is going to be much more a donation). Before I realised about it I phoned him to offer emotional support (to the same person that spent 2 years turning my life into hell, getting drunk, the one that when my father had a stroke told me not to worry or cry as he wasn't dead).
He didn't ask his family for money, but had the guts to ask me after I told him in our last conversation that I would call the police if he came close to me. He was kind of expecting me to go with him for emotional support as he will be always my friend and be there for me. I realised I couldn't go on fixing his problems and mothering him. Wrote back saying I was sorry about his dad being ill but he should honestly talk to hs family for help. Not to contact me just to tell me where to send his stuff.
Found a new house I'm moving out next week. I have a flu, though schedule at work and feel exhausted, but living in a new place he doesn't know will give me the peace of mind to know that I won't be embushed.
Thank all for reading, any support will be highly appreciated as even though I know I have to do it I feel like a bad person for not being there for him, Then I remember for 2 years I spent all weekends and at least 2 weekdays alone waiting for him to come back from the pub drunk and agressive, why should I feel guilty to protect myself?

free2live1, You have our support. Congratulations for taking your life back. These men are "vampires", as one of the people on here often refers to them. Without any conscience they are able to lash out at us in anger one minute and then turn that around into this most odd guilt making machine, expecting our help. They take full advantage of the fact that we are kind hearted women. Karma is alive and well and they will reap what they have sown. Stand firm in your resolve to take care of yourself...and do not allow guilt to seep into your mind...You have every right..and if fact, every obligation to do what is best for YOU.
Like you I spent several years with this type of vampire, who sucked from me all that he could get...emotionally and financially...he even tried to mess with my spiritual belief system, as that also threatened his hold on me...I am so grateful that I am out of the claws of his grip. Hugs and Blessings to you.

I used to text him all the time. First it was exciting and mutual. Then I was in too much pain to stop texting him. I felt as if I try harder to explain myself to him, he would understand and start loving me. But I got exactly the opposite: he was annoyed and irritated with my love. Now I don't call or text him. And I dont' even want to because I lost hope. That hope I was holding on to for two years. It is gone. I don't spend days and nights hoping for more than he offers me- casual sex and jokes when he accidently bumps into me at work. But if I texted him now, I would probably had nothing to say. You don't say anything to a stranger, right? He made himself a stranger to me. Fine. Be it. All I would say is : "It started as the greatest love of my life. It became a disaster and the truly worst relationship in my life. I still can't understand how the best man in the whole bloody world can cause so much pain, so much of unfair and cruel sufferings? I never thought of you as of an asshole or a jerk, because you are not. But you are an asshole to me. I love you for what you are, and I hate you for what you are to me. I lost hope that things will ever change. therefore I let you go. I will miss you, I do miss you terribly, but I don't miss how you made me feel about myself. So sorry I was not the one that you would love. So much happiness that is not going to happen. So much good times, laughs, warmth- all is there, but you don't want it, at least not with me. So sorry. I used to believe you when you told me you don't want to be in the relationship. but now I know- you just don't want to be in the relationship with me. So simple. You should have told me THAT in the beginning, instead of bullshiting about you not being ready. You did not want to hurt me. But you ended up hurting me SOOOO much more. Go, Nate. Go."

It's been three months now since we've physically seen each other. It's amazing how much has changed within me in that short period of time.

My body has calmed down with you no longer in my life - - migraine headaches are gone, I'm not jumping at every sound, the hair no longer stands up on the back of my neck. To think that I fought so hard to hold us together between your two kids every weekend, keeping you on the right track, managing my children, etc., I just sit back and think oh my God, what was I thinking.

The saddest part of all i am now realizing is that I just felt so sorry for your children. To have grown up in the environment that they did and having you as a father, mother an alcoholic, oh my God, they didn't have a chance. Of course, I was going to be the fixer. Give them some stability, routine, structure, everything in this world that they were not accustomed to. It even broke my heart when your children said on Christmas day, you would not even get out of bed until 1:00, 2:00 in the afternoon whereas while they were in my home, Christmas breakfast was being served around 8:00 and the let the gift opening begin. Oh that's right, not much gift opening in your home before you met me.

You know, someone who makes the kind of money you do and to now be living with your 84 year old grandmother, is just beyond acceptable to me. You don't even have anywhere to call home for your children when you do get them - - although I am told now that I'm not in the picture it really isn't that much at all that you even do get them. How sad. I'm sure your women, the gambling, the alcohol and the drugs, that all comes first.

At any rate, at the age of 51, I'm not sure if you'll ever figure it out. I hope you do for your sake and your children's and stop all the abuse that you deliver in your world. As far as me, I'm getting along one day at a time and believe me when I say, this relationship with you was definitely an eye opener. I'm now in the recovery process learning who Stacey is and beginning to develop her world again without you in it. It can be a very lonely place sometimes, but overall, it's a much healthier and happier place to be without all the upset.

Take care of yourself.

cndy2010 thanks a lot for your kind message. It's amazing how this kind of men can turn us upside down. I think he knows all my weak points and what to push to get a reaction, of course the best one for him. I spent the day semi-scared thinking he was going to show up at my door step agressive as I didn't help him. Anyway I feel like something clicked inside me and for the first time I didn't feel guilty and tempted to call him and offer my support. I felt surprisingly free and light weighted. Tomorrow will be a new day and I'll go on packing boxes to leave as soon as posible.
And yes, he also attacked my beliefs. Any strength or support system we get they need to destroy so we're totally in their hands.Bless you for being strong there and getting over it keeping your core values.
Hughs and strenght for all of you