Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Something struck me today (no, not my wife's backhand) and I had a thought. Wondered if my experience coincided with that of others in this regard, of both sexes. Not my specific experience I'm about to relate, mind you, but the point I'll bring up out of it.
My first semester in college, 1979, I started dating my first time seriously. And she instigated things mostly, as I was naive in the ways of dating and such, not having done any of it during high school, as it just wasn't on my radar screen as something I wanted to do. Other factors but that's mostly it.
Anyway, we dated that whole first semester, and when I came back from Christmas break, she met me and told me that she'd fallen out of love with me. Which seemed very odd to me. But we broke up at that point. By the end of the second semester, she was getting what she really wanted from me, but I was going way too slow for her. She got her Mrs. degree from another guy in school so she didn't have to go back home for the summer semester.
Well, during that first semester, despite spending hours every evening kissing and cuddling, I never once touched her breast with my hands or attempted to take her clothes off, or the like. One time she asked if she could rub my belly. I said sure. She unbuttoned my shirt and did so, slowly nudging her fingers slightly under my belt and pants, but never going more than a quarter inch in.
I think she was trying to get me going, but she didn't want to be the one to initiate sex. She wanted me to get excited and want her. The fact I didn't respond that way probably disappointed her, because she probably got the idea that I didn't want her.
But that was far from the truth. The fact of the matter was that I respected her too much to use her like that. Because I loved her, I wouldn't treat her like a sex object. What I've come to realize, is she wanted me to treat her like a sex object. She'd read one too many romance novels, and when I didn't respond like the guys in those novels, she "fell out of love" with me.
That got me to thinking, because my W so wanted the attention of men, and wanted men to notice her, and is what got her in trouble. And the first guy she had mostly an EA with, she knew he would only use her and throw her away when he was done, but she didn't care.
I was perplexed about that, because I was astounded that she didn't respect herself more than that. To me, being willing to be used as a sex object means you have zero respect for yourself, giving away the pearls of your life for a wink and a nod. I don't get it at all.
Now, I know statistics show that women tend to have more self-esteem issues than men. I know that girl I dated had some serious self-esteem issues. She would say things like, "No one would want me, my breast are too small." Despite my assurances that I loved her and didn't think they were too small, she felt unattractive. And I guess the fact I didn't want to have sex with her out of respect for her dignity as a person was translated in her mind that I didn't love her, didn't want her.
Likewise, my W was much skinner and sexier when I dated her than she was when she felt skinny and sexy before and during the affair, plus she didn't have loose skin back then due to pregnancies. But no matter how I told her back then that she wasn't fat, she didn't believe me. She felt fat and unattractive.
So I'm wondering just how much of a role women play in the whole cheating thing? I mean, of course for every man there is a woman who participated (assuming heterosexual cheating). But I'm thinking there is a dynamic here that promotes this kind of behavior.
First, you have the men who are often sex driven and want to get it anyway they can, or just the excitement of a relationship. But then there are the women who seem to send out signals, "Here I am, I'm available and want you!"
When I told my W that I do sometimes glance at women's butts, but I don't want them to see me, she stated something like most women like to know they are being appreciated. And I have to admit, why would you dress to accentuate your physical features if you didn't want them to be admired. But still, I would feel very uncomfortable if I were them dressing like that or knowing that someone was examining my butt. Not smiling and happy about it.
To me, this just shows a lack of respect for ones self, and a self-esteem that needs stoking to be willing to be treated as a sex object. I had always operated under the premise that most women didn't want to be treated that way. That they would respect themselves enough not to stoop to that level. But now I'm not sure how true that assumption is. My W was literally sending out "I'm sexy" vibes and it attracted men, even though she's not a "hot model" type body. Not bad by any means, but not the stereotypical Barbie figure either. Still, just her attitude made her sexy because her self-esteem needed that affirmation, and she didn't respect herself enough to not be thrown on the altar of being a sex toy.
So am I off on this? Do women become men magnets by acting flirty and sexy result from a lack of self-respect and/or self-esteem that they are wiling to throw themselves at men without any kind of long term commitment to family that the act presupposes? Or is there some other dynamic I'm missing here?
And I guess that also goes back to Leona's assertions of women who become enablers for some of the same reasons.
My first semester in college, 1979, I started dating my first time seriously. And she instigated things mostly, as I was naive in the ways of dating and such, not having done any of it during high school, as it just wasn't on my radar screen as something I wanted to do. Other factors but that's mostly it.
Anyway, we dated that whole first semester, and when I came back from Christmas break, she met me and told me that she'd fallen out of love with me. Which seemed very odd to me. But we broke up at that point. By the end of the second semester, she was getting what she really wanted from me, but I was going way too slow for her. She got her Mrs. degree from another guy in school so she didn't have to go back home for the summer semester.
Well, during that first semester, despite spending hours every evening kissing and cuddling, I never once touched her breast with my hands or attempted to take her clothes off, or the like. One time she asked if she could rub my belly. I said sure. She unbuttoned my shirt and did so, slowly nudging her fingers slightly under my belt and pants, but never going more than a quarter inch in.
I think she was trying to get me going, but she didn't want to be the one to initiate sex. She wanted me to get excited and want her. The fact I didn't respond that way probably disappointed her, because she probably got the idea that I didn't want her.
But that was far from the truth. The fact of the matter was that I respected her too much to use her like that. Because I loved her, I wouldn't treat her like a sex object. What I've come to realize, is she wanted me to treat her like a sex object. She'd read one too many romance novels, and when I didn't respond like the guys in those novels, she "fell out of love" with me.
That got me to thinking, because my W so wanted the attention of men, and wanted men to notice her, and is what got her in trouble. And the first guy she had mostly an EA with, she knew he would only use her and throw her away when he was done, but she didn't care.
I was perplexed about that, because I was astounded that she didn't respect herself more than that. To me, being willing to be used as a sex object means you have zero respect for yourself, giving away the pearls of your life for a wink and a nod. I don't get it at all.
Now, I know statistics show that women tend to have more self-esteem issues than men. I know that girl I dated had some serious self-esteem issues. She would say things like, "No one would want me, my breast are too small." Despite my assurances that I loved her and didn't think they were too small, she felt unattractive. And I guess the fact I didn't want to have sex with her out of respect for her dignity as a person was translated in her mind that I didn't love her, didn't want her.
Likewise, my W was much skinner and sexier when I dated her than she was when she felt skinny and sexy before and during the affair, plus she didn't have loose skin back then due to pregnancies. But no matter how I told her back then that she wasn't fat, she didn't believe me. She felt fat and unattractive.
So I'm wondering just how much of a role women play in the whole cheating thing? I mean, of course for every man there is a woman who participated (assuming heterosexual cheating). But I'm thinking there is a dynamic here that promotes this kind of behavior.
First, you have the men who are often sex driven and want to get it anyway they can, or just the excitement of a relationship. But then there are the women who seem to send out signals, "Here I am, I'm available and want you!"
When I told my W that I do sometimes glance at women's butts, but I don't want them to see me, she stated something like most women like to know they are being appreciated. And I have to admit, why would you dress to accentuate your physical features if you didn't want them to be admired. But still, I would feel very uncomfortable if I were them dressing like that or knowing that someone was examining my butt. Not smiling and happy about it.
To me, this just shows a lack of respect for ones self, and a self-esteem that needs stoking to be willing to be treated as a sex object. I had always operated under the premise that most women didn't want to be treated that way. That they would respect themselves enough not to stoop to that level. But now I'm not sure how true that assumption is. My W was literally sending out "I'm sexy" vibes and it attracted men, even though she's not a "hot model" type body. Not bad by any means, but not the stereotypical Barbie figure either. Still, just her attitude made her sexy because her self-esteem needed that affirmation, and she didn't respect herself enough to not be thrown on the altar of being a sex toy.
So am I off on this? Do women become men magnets by acting flirty and sexy result from a lack of self-respect and/or self-esteem that they are wiling to throw themselves at men without any kind of long term commitment to family that the act presupposes? Or is there some other dynamic I'm missing here?
And I guess that also goes back to Leona's assertions of women who become enablers for some of the same reasons.
COLE- STOP IT!! None of wants to be reminded about our imperfections. They exist, but what right do you have to comment on it. Still passive agressive.
Oh, I don't think you are lying, I really think you believe this.....but the fact is.......it's not the real reason.
COLE- STOP IT!! None of wants to be reminded about our imperfections. They exist, but what right do you have to comment on it. Still passive agressive.
COLE- STOP IT!! None of wants to be reminded about our imperfections. They exist, but what right do you have to comment on it. Still passive agressive.
Oh, I don't think you are lying, I really think you believe this.....but the fact is.......it's not the real reason.
Oh, I don't think you are lying, I really think you believe this.....but the fact is.......it's not the real reason.
Oh, I don't think you are lying, I really think you believe this.....but the fact is.......it's not the real reason.
Look, the problem is that many of us here have in our minds a picture of what is perfect. Queen's song, "Fat Bottom Girls" makes no sense to many of us because that's not what the media and society tells us "perfection" is. There is no perfect. Perfect is what you make of it in your mind. I don't expect perfect and never will get it. And women have been sold a bill of goods that if your breast don't look like this and your butt doesn't look like this and your body is not shaped like this, then your unappealing and not what men want. Bull!
Meanwhile, in certain parts of the world that are not influenced by our culture, men think a woman with giant saggy boobs are what is exciting and perfect. Over there, a Playboy model would be seen as unattractive.
But like I've already said, I'll stop for ya'll sake, because my wife is fine with it. She isn't afraid of reality, and while weighing that much was not good for her health, it wasn't the end all and be all of her beauty. The point being, I loved her body as much then as I do now. I think it is better for her to be thinner, because that weight zapped her energy, but as I said, she is proud of what she's lost and all. Neither of us see this as parading imperfections. Because they are not imperfections. They simply are what was. And she stopped caring that much about the stigma a long time ago. And tells people her weight back then and what it is now because she's proud of it.
As a matter of fact, she's reading this thread via email while she works. She told me she's getting a kick out of all this, its funny to her.
No passive agressive going on here. Believe me, I know my wife, been with her for over 29 years. This isn't bothering her.
I'm chuckling here myself.
"Let woman have their own opinions and make decisions on what they want to do with their own bodies."
As far as I know, Cole never related here that he subsequently tried to prevent this (or any other girl) from having sex with anyone else. I didn't read that he berated her for what she attempted to do or stalked her and intercepted her dates before they got too frisky. Seriously?
Sometimes that happens between us too. He hates that "everything I do just makes it worse" syndrome.
I was thinking about this while working. It's funny, if he said anything even remotely about my body on FB I would be mortified. But hey, this is an anonymous site where my entire sex life has been laid bare along with all that happened concerning my A's. Hell, that is Waaaay more humiliating then a few body issues that were cause primarily by the three young adults that call us mom and dad.
I love my body. How could I not after losing all that weight and the benefits have been great. I look fine when dressed, lol. It is so cool to go out in public and feel like just a normal person or meet a new client and not feel like they are thinking about how fat I am. I can work twice the hours I could before so it has paid big dividends.
As far as how much I actually weigh....in my defense I am tall and have a large frame like my great grandma. My ideal weight is actually 165. When I got down to 180 people started telling me not to lose any more because I would get too skinny. I put a little back on after DDAY because I ate my pain and it was fattening. I stopped that (mostly) so now I just gotta bring it back down. No problem. :-)
I can understand the hesitancy to refer to it as steeling. I guess I think of it in terms she doesn't know what she has or what she is giving away. So to me, it is sort of like taking advantage of her.
Like someone bringing in an expensive heirloom who doesn't know it is really worth anything and only want $100.00 for it when it is worth $10,000. People take that kind of thing, but I would consider it stealing from the person. I guess that's how I was looking at it.
And I guess it is culture, like what Blind was talking about, that has told so many of us that it isn't worth that much, so we're willing to "sell" it for super cheap. So many don't realize until it is too late (if ever) what they have lost.
A woman wants respect, but with her husband she want to feel sexy and wanted sexually. This isn't the 1800's . I am older then you and still want to feel sexy like a woman.
No, I never said my body was perfect and specifically said I no longer look like I did in my 20s, that I have a bit of a belly now. I'm not finding fault with my W's body. As I've already said, I love my W's body. I've always loved my W's body, no matter the shape, size, or weight. But since I get chastised for loving my wife's body at...how do I put it without offending people...at larger sizes than most would think healthy, which I thought would cause people to say, "Awe, isn't that sweet," I get the opposite. And all the while my W is laughing about the whole thing.
Can't win for losing.
My wife is Gabrielle, the one who responded right above my post. Read what she says about it. Not sure why you said what you said, because it reflects nothing that I said.
Interesting responses, even if I didn't get a whole lot due to the distractions.