Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Im not exactly sure where to post this so I guess Ill start here.
Our 20 year old son got his 18 year old girlfriend pregnant.
This will be his second child from two different mothers.
After asking him to leave the house and live with his mother (walking distance from us) or find a place of his own, he came back after a two weeks for an apology... he wanted us to apologize to him for getting angry and kicking him out.
(I don't think he's getting it.)
When he and his first girlfriend got pregnant we offered to have her move in so we could all help take care of the baby. She declined. She and the baby live with her mother in a tiny single room apartment.
They're doing a great job. The girlfriend goes to school but they are flat broke.
He hasn't been good about doing that and gives very little for the care of his one and a half year old son. He does take him every other weekend so he does spend time with him.
His current pregnant girlfriend is sweet but sufferers from severe depression and anxiety... sometimes hears voices! I've tried to convince her to get some therapy but medication is out now.
Our son has been through two twelve week drug dependency groups. It's only weed and alcohol but his attitude was terrible. He has taken up smoking weed again and drinks from time to time.
His drug use is not helping to move him forward. The rules of the house for him are NO DRUGS.
Our son goes to school but we're on him about getting a driver's license and a stable part time job so he can contribute to his son.
He's disrespectful but oblivious and unconcerned he is. He can be rude, argumentative and swears to us when you point out his bad behavior. He thinks he's always right.
Getting him to do chores was like pulling teeth... complaining about how unfair it was.
If you met him you'd love him. He's just that kind of kid.
But he lies about nearly everything now. Which is something he didn't used to do.
We have helped him in every way we could.
He had to leave so he could see how things worked in the world. He just wasn't getting it.
Im heartbroken over this. He and I have always been so close and hes turned into a stranger. Were giving each other the silent treatment right now which doesnt help the situation. I dont want this to permanently damage our relationship.
Im a loss right now. Any input would be helpful.
Our 20 year old son got his 18 year old girlfriend pregnant.
This will be his second child from two different mothers.
After asking him to leave the house and live with his mother (walking distance from us) or find a place of his own, he came back after a two weeks for an apology... he wanted us to apologize to him for getting angry and kicking him out.
(I don't think he's getting it.)
When he and his first girlfriend got pregnant we offered to have her move in so we could all help take care of the baby. She declined. She and the baby live with her mother in a tiny single room apartment.
They're doing a great job. The girlfriend goes to school but they are flat broke.
He hasn't been good about doing that and gives very little for the care of his one and a half year old son. He does take him every other weekend so he does spend time with him.
His current pregnant girlfriend is sweet but sufferers from severe depression and anxiety... sometimes hears voices! I've tried to convince her to get some therapy but medication is out now.
Our son has been through two twelve week drug dependency groups. It's only weed and alcohol but his attitude was terrible. He has taken up smoking weed again and drinks from time to time.
His drug use is not helping to move him forward. The rules of the house for him are NO DRUGS.
Our son goes to school but we're on him about getting a driver's license and a stable part time job so he can contribute to his son.
He's disrespectful but oblivious and unconcerned he is. He can be rude, argumentative and swears to us when you point out his bad behavior. He thinks he's always right.
Getting him to do chores was like pulling teeth... complaining about how unfair it was.
If you met him you'd love him. He's just that kind of kid.
But he lies about nearly everything now. Which is something he didn't used to do.
We have helped him in every way we could.
He had to leave so he could see how things worked in the world. He just wasn't getting it.
Im heartbroken over this. He and I have always been so close and hes turned into a stranger. Were giving each other the silent treatment right now which doesnt help the situation. I dont want this to permanently damage our relationship.
Im a loss right now. Any input would be helpful.
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
Because when I was a kid, I had to live up to my mother's exacting standards. But from the time I became an adult, I've realized that I don't want, and don't have to live that way.
Mostly the beds get made, but not always. It ranks about oh a 1 out of a hundred on the things I care about. Cleaning the bathrooms and kitchens is much higher. I'm neither the neatest nor sloppiest person I know. (I have to admit that I know a few VERY sloppy ones... )
I would assume he means doing the chore without doing a really half-assed job of it. Given how soft it sounds like he's been on his son it doesn't seem like he would be the type of parent who is overly demanding of neatness and precision when it comes to chores.
You chose to live your life how you wanted, when you were younger, and married and had a child, when chances are you knew you were gay, but you did it anyway, for whatever your reasons were at the time. Had someone said to you, that perhaps you should not marry a woman, and have a child, what would you have done? Probably what you did do, which was to go ahead and do it anyway.
If you can reach down into the bowels of your memory, and think of how you were thinking/acting back in those days, it may help you understand him better, and assist you in what actions to take to alleviate his and your anxiety.
I wish well.
It's not too much to ask children to help around the house. It's not harmful to children to have reasonable expectations of them and assign them reasonable responsibilities.
I'm 55. Back in the time I was a child being gay was either "sinful", or in my family's case, a mental illness. In either case it was a sad, pathetic existence. Gay people were seen as depraved, sex obsessed, child molesters. Gay men we're possessed by demons or chose to be the way they were. When I was an adolescent it was though gay men "became" gay because of the lack of a strong father figure or an overbearing mother. Neither of these fit me. They thought men became gay because they were molested. I was molested... I was fourteen and the woman was thirty or so. It wasn't a bad experience for me. It was wrong, but certainly didn't scar me. It even gave me hope I was straight, but no... women aren't my preference.
When I got married I thought I was doing the "right" thing. I was trying to be "good", I tried to please everyone around me by doing what was expected. I hoped my marriage would last forever.
Pretending to be something you're not is a bad thing. Living a lie is a bad thing. Bringing other people into your own personal turmoil is a bad thing. I did all these things but not intentionally.
I take the blame for doing this, but I did what I did because I thought it was the right thing to do at the time.
My son is making irresponsible decisions.
He doesn't seem to care that he won't be able to take care of two children from two different mothers.
His current girlfriend is a fresh eighteen. I don't think either one of them will want to remain in the relationship after a few years of living with each other... then it's off to start another family with someone else.
I hope that doesn't happen, but the odds are not in their favor they'll remain a couple.
Try to keep in mind the time period he would have been dating and getting married during. Not exactly a friendly time period for homosexuals. Even NOW there's quite a bit of and discrimination towards gays in the US.
The state I live in has one of those big churches where the pastor has their own show and radio station. Whenever ballot measures dealing with protecting equal rights for gays comes up they do huge hate filled campaigns against equal rights for gays and against protecting the civil rights of gay people (such as protection against discrimination in getting hired for jobs and getting housing) and typically win in their hate campaigns. And this is probably 30-40 years AFTER all the major hatred/discrimination against gays in the US.
I think if it meant the difference between being able to find steady work and own a home, and being demonized and denied job opportunities many of us would opt to pretend to be something we're not just to survive. That doesn't make it alright to get married and have a kid when if you know for sure that you're gay, but it should be enough to tell you it was not a malicious move on his part.
Besides, there are other equally important issues in this particular case that shouldn't be overlooked in favor of criticizing someone's sexuality.
The kid has a child molesting narcisist for a mother. That seems like it would be just as big of a contributing factor.
#45 seemed to nail it as much as I didn't want to hear that.
I'll have to give that more thought.
Chuck, there may be no way to avoid permanently damaging this relationship. I'm of the "tough love" camp that says the kid needs discipline and a dose of humility. The military may be out of the question, but booting him to the curb and letting him experience just how tough making money to keep a roof over his head may be the only answer. He won't help himself...until he needs to. Obviously he needs to find a job that he at least halfways enjoys that can support him and his ever-growing family springing from the progeny of his prolific loins. At the very least, after hitting rock bottom, maybe he'll come back to you and apologize to you, even though he'll probably only do this because he needs money and a place to live.
My mother was pretty tough on me, but I think even she relented a bit when she could see that I was working a lot and still not making enough money to afford my own place, because jobs didn't pay shit, so she let me live with her and my dad for awhile while I went to college and earned a B.A. degree in Communications. I'm now finally making a living doing wedding and family event videos. I found a way to sidestep the low wage. It cost me thousands of dollars for equipment, which I've paid off.
The choices we make in life, are the choices we have to live with, and if the poster can look back at how he made his decisions, it may help him understand his son's situation better.
It just sounded to me like you were placing a little too much of the blame on how Chuck handled coming out rather than the actions of both parents. My intention was to point out why it is unfair to place most of the blame on his actions earlier in life.
(Just trying to show where I'm coming from with what I said before.)
"You chose to live your life how you wanted, when you were younger, and married and had a child, when chances are you knew you were gay, but you did it anyway..."
That just comes across to me as being more accusatory than asking someone to reflect upon how they behaved in their youth. I can see now how you were you using this as a comparison for how his son is behaving.
However, it still strikes me as mildly insensitive to compare being in the closet under the circumstances Chuck was facing, to the irresponsible behavior of his drug/alcohol abusing son.
How is what Chuck went through when he was in the closet remotely similar to what his son is going through? What kernel of insight is Chuck meant to find by looking back at that time in his life that would be applicable in this current situation?
Last I checked, his son wasn't acting out due to being in the closet himself.
I'm not trying to attack your view point. I'm just concerned that it sounds a bit too much like your comment was focused more on his coming out as gay after being married instead of on the problem at hand.
His son is now doing what he believes is the right thing to do, even though it goes against conventional tradition, not unlike his father at that time. And I don't believe the pot and booze is the issue, as many young people indulge in them recreationally, and eventually grow out of it.
In response to #46
My husband is more rigid about the way have to be done that I am (bbut he couldn't properly clean a bathroom to save his life).
The types of jobs my son won't finish are actually simple and basic ones. His room was often filthy which became worse as he got older. An example of the type of job he wouldn't finish properly would be in the kitchen. "Put the clean dishes in the dishwasher away and rinse the dirty dishes in the sink and put them in the dishwasher. Clean the sink when you're done."
After trying to negotiate for another time to do the chore (if you accepted he'd just "forget"), he'd put the dishes away, but wouldn't rinse the dirty dishes and load the dishwasher in a jumble. He'd leave one or two things left in the sink and wouldn't clean the sink... just to show you couldn't control him.
Once when he was about seven, he wanted me to sign a permission slip so he could go on a field trip at school. I told him I'd sign it after he was done cleaning his room. He complained about it being so unfair. He moaned and resisted, but I repeated he had to clean his room before I'd sign. He literally crawled down the hall on his stomach crying and wailing until he refused. I told him I'd just tear up the permission slip if that's what he chose.
He chose not to clean his room.
I tried to get him into therapy and continue seeing someone either alone or with family. He resisted. When I did get him to go he complained I was trying to "fix him" and hated the therapists he did see.
His mother didn't help because she thought it was a waste or wanted to sit in the sessions as a family rather than have him discuss things with a therapist privately.
I didn't care how he saw a therapist... although I preferred it was private.
Sorry. Again, I'm doing this on my phone. I might have gotten off track.
It did sound as though you were trying to equate my choices to his.
My choices were wrong because I was actually trying to please others and attempted to conform to societal norms. Being gay in some cultures (families) was not only unacceptable, but evil and depraved.
My son is making choices based on negligence.
He is rude and arrogant. He is not taking responsibility for his choices.
He isn't prepared to support a family and is oblivious to the long term consequences.
He refuses to follow the basic rules set for him and blames others for his own mistakes.
Oh my gosh, you've got the male version of my daughter!!
I didn't sign the one time and my daughter had a blast in the school office. She spend the day reading (which she loves) and doing odd chores for the staff...
At 20, not loading the dishwasher is annoying. Hmm, depending on how the electric is set up in the house, I might put a lock on the electric box, then shut it off to his room. Let him live without electric for a couple months.
I never did that with electric, but I did one time lock the box for the cable in the trunk of the car, and I literally forgot about it for weeks...
Oh I'd "plan" on turning it back on the next day...
Then keep "forgetting".
You're "reminding me??!!" ....how "unfair"...
I don't get mad. I don't even get upset. But I do get my point across.