Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Im not exactly sure where to post this so I guess Ill start here.
Our 20 year old son got his 18 year old girlfriend pregnant.
This will be his second child from two different mothers.
After asking him to leave the house and live with his mother (walking distance from us) or find a place of his own, he came back after a two weeks for an apology... he wanted us to apologize to him for getting angry and kicking him out.
(I don't think he's getting it.)
When he and his first girlfriend got pregnant we offered to have her move in so we could all help take care of the baby. She declined. She and the baby live with her mother in a tiny single room apartment.
They're doing a great job. The girlfriend goes to school but they are flat broke.
He hasn't been good about doing that and gives very little for the care of his one and a half year old son. He does take him every other weekend so he does spend time with him.
His current pregnant girlfriend is sweet but sufferers from severe depression and anxiety... sometimes hears voices! I've tried to convince her to get some therapy but medication is out now.
Our son has been through two twelve week drug dependency groups. It's only weed and alcohol but his attitude was terrible. He has taken up smoking weed again and drinks from time to time.
His drug use is not helping to move him forward. The rules of the house for him are NO DRUGS.
Our son goes to school but we're on him about getting a driver's license and a stable part time job so he can contribute to his son.
He's disrespectful but oblivious and unconcerned he is. He can be rude, argumentative and swears to us when you point out his bad behavior. He thinks he's always right.
Getting him to do chores was like pulling teeth... complaining about how unfair it was.
If you met him you'd love him. He's just that kind of kid.
But he lies about nearly everything now. Which is something he didn't used to do.
We have helped him in every way we could.
He had to leave so he could see how things worked in the world. He just wasn't getting it.
Im heartbroken over this. He and I have always been so close and hes turned into a stranger. Were giving each other the silent treatment right now which doesnt help the situation. I dont want this to permanently damage our relationship.
Im a loss right now. Any input would be helpful.
Our 20 year old son got his 18 year old girlfriend pregnant.
This will be his second child from two different mothers.
After asking him to leave the house and live with his mother (walking distance from us) or find a place of his own, he came back after a two weeks for an apology... he wanted us to apologize to him for getting angry and kicking him out.
(I don't think he's getting it.)
When he and his first girlfriend got pregnant we offered to have her move in so we could all help take care of the baby. She declined. She and the baby live with her mother in a tiny single room apartment.
They're doing a great job. The girlfriend goes to school but they are flat broke.
He hasn't been good about doing that and gives very little for the care of his one and a half year old son. He does take him every other weekend so he does spend time with him.
His current pregnant girlfriend is sweet but sufferers from severe depression and anxiety... sometimes hears voices! I've tried to convince her to get some therapy but medication is out now.
Our son has been through two twelve week drug dependency groups. It's only weed and alcohol but his attitude was terrible. He has taken up smoking weed again and drinks from time to time.
His drug use is not helping to move him forward. The rules of the house for him are NO DRUGS.
Our son goes to school but we're on him about getting a driver's license and a stable part time job so he can contribute to his son.
He's disrespectful but oblivious and unconcerned he is. He can be rude, argumentative and swears to us when you point out his bad behavior. He thinks he's always right.
Getting him to do chores was like pulling teeth... complaining about how unfair it was.
If you met him you'd love him. He's just that kind of kid.
But he lies about nearly everything now. Which is something he didn't used to do.
We have helped him in every way we could.
He had to leave so he could see how things worked in the world. He just wasn't getting it.
Im heartbroken over this. He and I have always been so close and hes turned into a stranger. Were giving each other the silent treatment right now which doesnt help the situation. I dont want this to permanently damage our relationship.
Im a loss right now. Any input would be helpful.
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
Although I stopped my own drug use over thirty years ago and haven't drank alcohol for twenty, I don't mind adults using weed or alcohol in moderation. I can't stand being around drunks or habitual users.
The rule of the house was NO DRUGS. My son was always asking me to get high with him. I found it offensive.
His mother is a bully and struck out physically from time to time. That came out in counseling associated with the twelve week program. That lashing out was just another reason I wanted him with me, and just an additional reason for a divorce. For my own part, I mentioned an inappropriate relationship with a student and physical contact between my ex and a student. I didn't catch them having sex, but it was inappropriate and she lied about it.
The therapist reported it and the cops showed up to question her at the school where she teaches.
She blamed me and the few friends we shared started giving me the cold shoulder.
I think my son actually feels good about himself. He believes others are wrong, doesn't want help, points out the inadequacies of our parenting, etc. If he is depressed or feels has self-esteem issues, he does an amazing job of hiding it. Actually I suffer from depression and anxiety and was determined to learn how to combat it, learn how to live with it and accept it.
One of the reasons I wanted him in therapy before his drug use began is because I felt he wasn't communicating his emotions fully. He seemed unable to express sadness and became sarcastic to cover.
Thank you RMB:
I agree we fool ourselves about children "bouncing back" from things they've had to endure. My being gay, the divorce, his mother's issues all have had a profound effect on his life.
I could only surround him with love and compassion, remain in his life fully and try my best to get him into therapy to talk about his feelings.
I have an appointment coming up with a therapist who knows him through the drug dependency program.
Thanks Patti22:
He goes to culinary arts school (like his first girlfriend) and really has a knack for it.
We're not ccommunicating well right now. I haven't heard from him in two days. The last time he came over with the mother-to-be and his son (his weekend), he told us he was taking custody of his current son. We were shocked and horrified. I love my son, but that wouldn't work out at all. We didn't say anything, but I contacted the mom later and asked about the change and if everything was okay. She never answered my texts for days. I asked if we could see our grandson for the weekend and got a text from my son telling me to stop communication with him, his girlfriend, the mother of his child, everyone.
My ex won't return my texts or phone calls.
I finally contacted the grandmother and asked her about the situation. She said she didn't know anything about switching custody and would fight to stop it if it were true. We're in agreement there.
I got a text from my son telling me to stop contacting people and I got the mother of his child thrown out of the house.
I asked the grandmother if that was true and she said it wasn't.
Received a text from our grandson's mother apologizing she'd been so busy and we could pick up the child for the day.
Big mess.
His mother sounds like a bad I fluency and much of what's going on probably has to do with her.
Here is the thing - I ve worked in the medical field for a very long time. I heard all sorts of stories.. People say : we are a good family, there is no way we could have had anytning happen to our child that influenced him in such a bad way. Well, it is not entirely true.
It can take a few emotionally damaging events to wire a child's brain in the wrong direction and I think the way a child copes with it long term varies on a child's make up.
I remember myself from before I was 1 years old and while I could not understand what was happening around me or analyze it, I do remember some very pleasurable events and also some very emotionally disturbing events starting at the age of 2. I belive they most definitely influenced me As I grew up.
For example - one of my 4 y o friends dropped her most important toy into the sewer drain by accident and she was devastated. Her father came, the toy could not be retrieved. She would not leave and kept crying as if she lost a family member. Her father got frustrated and yelled at her.
I have never heard an adult yell until that day. It was really not a big deal, but the devastation and the negative emotions of that day were extremely upsetting to me. If this was me in the girl's place,
I have no idea how it would have impacted my trust towards my parent. Some people are extremely sensitive to emotions and energy.
If he has ADHD, he is like bright, but a sensitive person. It is unknown what could have happened to him as a child.
Some kids get spanked and have no lasting effects. I was never spanked by my family, but once an adult purposely tripped me while running for disobedience and dropped me like a sack of potatoes.
I never forgot how painful and insulting it was.
I don't even think I told anyone about this before.
Anyway, it is not about me.. I just tried to explain how very small events can influence a super sensitive person. He is likely
" medicating" so he doesn't have to feel anytning.
However, the irresponsible behavior with the pregnancies is not an excuse for that. The past events are just an explanation how it all started and this is why therapy would be the best thing for him with a therapist who " gets" him.
I do agree with his sense of entitlement ... He is a Father now and it's time he grew up... Recuing him over and over doesn't seem to be helping and may be crippling him
It's fine to say there's no way he would give his child up but he doesn't seem to be willing to work to support his children and give them what they need in even the most basic ways
If he's getting drunk and stoned when he should be fathering I would talk with your therapist about reporting him to CPS... Maybe it would wake him up....
He is a young man however he is now a man and a Father not a kid anymore... I understand the desire to want to save your 'child'... Sometimes falling is the best lesson learned
I will put up an episode of Intervention.... It's a great show
Big hug for you Chuck and a blessing...x
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=intervention+full+episodes
When the boy was 10 you did what you had to do for you. You came out, got a boyfriend and did things you wanted to do for you.
Your wife did what she wanted to do for herself. She wanted to vent her frustration in a physical way. She wanted to have an inappropriate relationship with a student. She did those things cause she wanted to do what she wanted to do.
Your son will have to realize that what you and his mother did had nothing to do with him. Life is not fair and while it would be nice to have parents that put the child's needs and wants first. That is a very rare situation. Most adults live their lives for themselves and lie to themselves by saying... "If I'm not happy, my child won't be happy" which is a load of BS. Children want stability and all of their needs and wants met on a continual basis. Actions speak louder than words. It's hard work being self sacrificing without letting your kids know you are being self sacrificing. childhood is brief, but most parents can't put their groove thing on hold for 18 years, cause people are weak and needy.
Anyway... He is an adult now, and I feel the only thing you can do is tell him. " Son, if you need anything let me know" and mean it.
If you can babysit, help buy baby things, then do it. but he is old enough to make his own decisions now.
It would be great if he could reach a point where he wants to do the best for himself and his children and he doesn't display self destructive tendencies. I hope he reaches that perception.
a smart ass questions to show that there are things i don't understand
"if your wife was not a narcissist & bully, would you still be straight?"
now back to topic, once a person brings another life into this world they are responsible for that life's well being, until that life can care for itself & has reached adulthood
that is why the world is ffffft up there are few adults in it
your son may be the father of one and is a father to be with a mother that has issues. so profoundly sad for the babies
if your son lives with you, he has to pay you, you meter that out to the babies, if he doesn't like that deal, bounce his ass on the street,
there is more that $ to being a parent but if your son can start with manning up on the $ he may ratchet up his backbone
it is a shitty sea upon which your family is currently sailing, the course of action is to drop worrying about being "happy" for a while, define the right thing, then do it, you'll sail into cleaner seas
the right thing does consider the innocent, the young, the defenseless,
I'm the big 50 (sigh). I remember the father of a friend coming out back in the 80's. Pre-AIDS for that matter. Her parents also got divorced. It was a non-issue. For many reasons. And Pittsburgh wasn't the most gay friendly area...
But then, both of her parents were really nice people.
Read literature about attachment, and you can drive yourself even MORE crazy about your parenting. We all just do our best, and the "expert advice" isn't always so "expert".
NONE of that matters for supporting Chuck and his son now.
The one concern I have, is to find out for sure if he's in school. I've known of people that have lied about it. Something goes bad, they put it off for a day, then a week, then a year. School gives an excuse for where they're at, and what costs money. (And if he is lying, don't yell, but you do need to talk.)
ten watches his two parents living for themselves first, now eight years later we are to be surprised that his own compass is off
at some point, when people march to the beat of their own drum... everyone is out of step with each other, that is why principles matter, they provide a common drum beat
when "we are handed a life" we cannot live under the i gotta be me because it all too often comes at the "handed life"s" expense
that is just realitym no matter how it we all feel about it
My son may be covering up his emotions and self-medicating.
Throughout the two twelve week sessions LOTS of issues came up from all of the teens and parents. After hours and hours of discussion from at least twenty teens and their parents, incredibly personal issues and stories came to the surface. The stories were complex and deeply intimate. My being gay was mild in comparison and we were seen as having one of the better relationships in group. We had to work less at being frank and forthcoming.
The family dynamics were diverse and very wide ranged. Lots of tears, anger, sadness... but then some very good things came out of it.
The sessions forced us to talk about all sorts of things we might not have. The sessions were cathartic, just not always successful when it came to the teen's drug use.
Thank you SunCloudJD:
Your kind words are appreciated.
I'll never give up trying to help him.
Thank you again ShastaSue:
My own montra was "You can screw up your own life, but don't go around screwing up other people's lives."
But what are the alternatives for someone who entertains suicidal thoughts on an increasingly regular basis even though the person is undergoing psychological treatment and taking medication to combat those feelings?
It was a terrible time.
Humans are selfish by nature, but most parents would die for their children. I know I would.
I think you just need to let him live his own life.
When you say... "We are on him about getting his license" and things of that nature.
Either give selflessly and don't " get on him" about anything.
or tell him it's too painful to be around him when he isn't doing what you want him to be doing .
He is an adult now.
I know you WANT him to act like you want him to act and be who you want him to be... but like I said before, those days are gone. when you had full control your attention was elsewhere.
I sincerely accept all blame for my selfishness and my perceived desire to come to terms with my own sexuality. I am completely aware my decision to come out could have had a profound effect on his life.
It weighs on my mind even though this was brought up in both of the twelve week sessions where everyone was criticizing everyone for everything. It was addressed. We talked openly about it... with indifference.
People were interested, especially the gay teens.
Either parent moving on to another relationship was more of an issue.
I'm not guilty or ashamed of being gay.
I do feel guilty for any damage done to my son for coming out. He has gay friends. He was flattered when approached by a gay classmate who said he would like to go out with him. He was sad when he hurt his feelings by telling him he didn't like guys that way.
If he was damaged by my coming out, I've tried to get him to talk to a therapist about it. He became perturbed when I pressed him about that particular matter. He has told me repeatedly he doesn't care about anyone being gay.
I'm still not completely sure.
i can accept that a person "struggles" with it and marries someone as a fix, while i can accept that, i also see it as very selfish and disingenuous, how can that be put on a marriage partner
so that issue is not about being gay it is about how honest one is with another and themselves
all that being said, there but for the grace of God go i, so i only have my perspective from the sidelines
it is clear to me that you care for your son, you have tried to own your role in his sideways-ness, (reality is that you could still be married , in a wonderful family, family home etc, and he could still go sideways all by himself)
whatever your roe was, it is time to stop beating yourself up over it., think of it as a big fffffffffing rock, you acknowledged it, put yourself into addressing the effects of it, but he rock itself can be and should be put down
sorry that i'm not better at conveying my point ... (yes my kids will have issues form that as well)
in simple terms, there is an 18 year that does not have an internal set of principles, his life might as well be rudderless for t=principles shpuld be what a person navigates by, principles are not feelings, feelings are transitory and ever changing, counseling can help to deal with feelings
how does this kid come to establish?accept a code of principles is the question that should be addressed
From my experience, the marriage was doomed from the start.
It was not good for my kids.
So, in this case, when both parents are not happy the sharada can go on only for so long and it is bad for everyone.
You can achieve stability after divorce and we made it happen.
My ex and I are a great team and the kids are doing much better.
I am sure you love you love him very much.
It is similar to having a parent dream of another person for years and years while remaining married. It makes the marriage basically a fraud and to a kid who unexpectedly gets the news it is a shock and he doesn't have the life experience and The endurance to rationalize and understand it, because our kids in US as a whole do not know what real hardship is.
All the kid knows is that the parents didn't love each other in the way that he thought and but he is still the product of That union.
Chuck, you ve done everything you possibly could to make things right! Some people run, but you faced it head on.
Really bad shit happens in life. Whatever happened to your son, whatever his perception is, it IS time to mature and take responsibility for your actions and get on the right track.
I was really screwed up because of my parents, I got away from them at 16 and did a whole lot of dumb stuff between 13 and 22, but every year I kept thinking about my actions and analyzing what I felt, so I really straightened up by 24 and has been a straight arrow ever since.
He just definitely needs to step up and deal with his problems. All parents make mistakes, all children have bad moments in life, but life goes on.