Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Im not exactly sure where to post this so I guess Ill start here.
Our 20 year old son got his 18 year old girlfriend pregnant.
This will be his second child from two different mothers.
After asking him to leave the house and live with his mother (walking distance from us) or find a place of his own, he came back after a two weeks for an apology... he wanted us to apologize to him for getting angry and kicking him out.
(I don't think he's getting it.)
When he and his first girlfriend got pregnant we offered to have her move in so we could all help take care of the baby. She declined. She and the baby live with her mother in a tiny single room apartment.
They're doing a great job. The girlfriend goes to school but they are flat broke.
He hasn't been good about doing that and gives very little for the care of his one and a half year old son. He does take him every other weekend so he does spend time with him.
His current pregnant girlfriend is sweet but sufferers from severe depression and anxiety... sometimes hears voices! I've tried to convince her to get some therapy but medication is out now.
Our son has been through two twelve week drug dependency groups. It's only weed and alcohol but his attitude was terrible. He has taken up smoking weed again and drinks from time to time.
His drug use is not helping to move him forward. The rules of the house for him are NO DRUGS.
Our son goes to school but we're on him about getting a driver's license and a stable part time job so he can contribute to his son.
He's disrespectful but oblivious and unconcerned he is. He can be rude, argumentative and swears to us when you point out his bad behavior. He thinks he's always right.
Getting him to do chores was like pulling teeth... complaining about how unfair it was.
If you met him you'd love him. He's just that kind of kid.
But he lies about nearly everything now. Which is something he didn't used to do.
We have helped him in every way we could.
He had to leave so he could see how things worked in the world. He just wasn't getting it.
Im heartbroken over this. He and I have always been so close and hes turned into a stranger. Were giving each other the silent treatment right now which doesnt help the situation. I dont want this to permanently damage our relationship.
Im a loss right now. Any input would be helpful.
Our 20 year old son got his 18 year old girlfriend pregnant.
This will be his second child from two different mothers.
After asking him to leave the house and live with his mother (walking distance from us) or find a place of his own, he came back after a two weeks for an apology... he wanted us to apologize to him for getting angry and kicking him out.
(I don't think he's getting it.)
When he and his first girlfriend got pregnant we offered to have her move in so we could all help take care of the baby. She declined. She and the baby live with her mother in a tiny single room apartment.
They're doing a great job. The girlfriend goes to school but they are flat broke.
He hasn't been good about doing that and gives very little for the care of his one and a half year old son. He does take him every other weekend so he does spend time with him.
His current pregnant girlfriend is sweet but sufferers from severe depression and anxiety... sometimes hears voices! I've tried to convince her to get some therapy but medication is out now.
Our son has been through two twelve week drug dependency groups. It's only weed and alcohol but his attitude was terrible. He has taken up smoking weed again and drinks from time to time.
His drug use is not helping to move him forward. The rules of the house for him are NO DRUGS.
Our son goes to school but we're on him about getting a driver's license and a stable part time job so he can contribute to his son.
He's disrespectful but oblivious and unconcerned he is. He can be rude, argumentative and swears to us when you point out his bad behavior. He thinks he's always right.
Getting him to do chores was like pulling teeth... complaining about how unfair it was.
If you met him you'd love him. He's just that kind of kid.
But he lies about nearly everything now. Which is something he didn't used to do.
We have helped him in every way we could.
He had to leave so he could see how things worked in the world. He just wasn't getting it.
Im heartbroken over this. He and I have always been so close and hes turned into a stranger. Were giving each other the silent treatment right now which doesnt help the situation. I dont want this to permanently damage our relationship.
Im a loss right now. Any input would be helpful.
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
I think it's important to set serious boundries with him for sure. But I think he's got some deep issues and needs more help than you can give. You may want to look into al anon or some other family support system to help you get your arms around things.
From what you describe he doesn't take care of his responsibilities including his sobriety. Its hard at the age of 20 to accept addiction and give in to being "forever sober". Using words like "just" or "only" when referring to their drug minimizes it's seriousness.
I believe, as the parent of an addict who's addiction started with excessive pot, and occasional alcohol binges (progressed over the years to worse) that unless he can get that part of his life in order, the rest will keep falling out of place.
You might want to join the parents of addicts page to some guidance on setting and keeping boundaries. Right now its important for you and his mother to parent in the same page and hopefully agree on how to move forward to best help your son help himself. I'll paste the link to the addicts page if you want to check it out.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Families-and-Friends-Of-Addicts/support-group
The twelve week program is offered through Kaiser Permanente and isn't actually rehab. The program gets teen addicts and parents together in a group setting. We met three nights a week for twelve weeks with periodic drug testing.
Therapy was optional but he (and we) were assigned a therapist. Neither his mother or he likes speaking with therapists and thinks they're a waste of time. I've tried to keep him in therapy since he was nine. No support from mom, so it was difficult to keep him in there.
He was not diagnosed with depression, but we discovered early on he was ADHD. That was a formal diagnosis. My son hated taking the drugs and hid or spit out his pills.
I do want to clarify "just" weed. He was the only person in the twelve week program that wasn't taking multiple, and very dangerous, drugs. I have never minimized his drug use and was terrified he started using so early. He just thinks nothing is wrong with smoking weed at all. In fact he thinks it improves EVERYTHING and cure ALL diseases.
I've been to Al-anon for a relationship who was alcoholic.
I wasn't crazy about those meetings although offered lots of support. I enjoy group meetings, but those particular Al-anon meetings weren't doing it for me.
I have an appointment for myself scheduled with the therapist through the twelve week program.
I don't want to see him cause more damage to himself. It's all hard for me to take. I guess I'm more of a "motherly" type.
I just want a good relationship with him and for him to get his life on-track.
Thanks so much again.
It sounds like it would be the very best choice for the new baby. In my opinion.
As for your relationship. I would just let him know how much you love him and want the best for him.
I wouldn't try to motivate through guilt and shame.
In my opinion he could be having issues from your coming out after 14 years of marriage. That couldn't have been easy on anyone.( read in your profile)
Again... I'd go big on the "I love you and want for you all the good things in life, even more than I want them for myself... spiel. Low on the judgment and guilt..
Good luck!
How does someone not learn from the first one?
Especially with all the very available birth control out there.
Ok rant over.
I was also surprised that you said "Only weed and alcohol"
They are both drugs and in my personal opinion alcohol is worse than weed, but that is only my opinion.
He needs serious help, but he is not going to get it unless he wants to.
No one ever gets clean and sober because someone else wants them to. He has to want it. Who knows what it will take for him to eventually get there.
Thanks to all of you.
Yes, ShastaSue.
Coming out to him was a concern of mine. Neither my ex, family members or friends are discriminatory at all. No fear of Hell fire or anything like that. Just lucked out in that concern.
My partner and I have been together now for over nine years and my son and he get along very well. Lots of nurturing and warmth.
But it crossed my mind that could have something to do with it.
My son chose to live with us full-time and brought his friends over.
There's a problem somewhere I know. I wanted him in therapy both for his ADHD and to communicate his feelings better.
He resisted as well as his mother.
The mother-to-be thought about adoption but my son wouldn't consider it.
Yes, one pregnancy is one thing. Two is negligence.
He seems totally unconcerned about taking care of them both.
For my son, I knew by the end of 10th grade I was dealing with an addictive personality who was getting high all the time. The more he got high, the less motivated he was about anything. He too was the only "just pot" user in the family group we went to. It served him well as he compared himself to them.
I saw him as a kid who's entire existence revolved around pot. When will I get high, who's getting high with me, what type of weed will we have, want that great getting high blah blah blah.
by the end of senior year he was popping a Xanax here and there and molly and other things but not regular like pot. He rationalized his usage as normal but I saw something more.
Each relapse resulted in trying the next worst drug until he found heroin. It took nearly a year of heroin to get him to stop. He's now 2 years sober (Thank God). So my fear of pot and young people comes from watching first hand the decent. I'm not saying that's what's going to happen with your son just explaining where my mindset is at.
hopefully he wakes up and realizes that these babies need him as a positive influence.
I have had my eyes opened. Anyone can say anyone is the father of a child and then start being billed for child support. My son is on only 1 birth certificate, Just one!. But the county is coming after him for at least 4 that I know of. There suppose to be one pregnant right now in another state. SMH He hasn't had a job longer than 3 months and they are always fast food. He is limited, and has refused to be medicated for bipolar.
We now only help in extreme cases. We don't send him money, however if he needs dental work I will help and pay they dr office directly. He is having surgery in a couple of weeks and we are making sure he gets to his appointment.
He is still our kid. We love him, but he drives us nuts.
Good Luck
I'll also add, whatever is going on with him, don't forget yourself...and your partner. You still have a life to live. You'll be of no use to your son if you go under.
I understand. When my son was in 10th grade he was talking about all the "benefits" of weed. Cures cancer, migraines, depression, social anxiety, gastrointestinal disease, etc... I explained that might be so but not by smoking it, but by extracting and refining its chemical compounds. He "romanced" weed all the time and spoke openly about it. When we (all of us) started to criticize drug use and weed particularly, that's when he began to withdraw. Where he loved to talk about all sorts of things, he started coming home later and later and hiding in his room more and more.
The 12 week program actually went well at first. The meetings were designed to bring parents (who were required to attend) and teens closer together. Talk about things and communicate better.
I caught him smoking shortly after finishing and went right back to another round. After that one finished I think he just became more stealthy. Later he said he never quit.
Thanks Refurb:
Yes it was a lot for a 10 year old to take and it weighed heavily upon me. So heavily I almost remained in my horrible marriage with a narcissist who made my parenting irrelevant.
I was a better patent afterwards, and as I said my son decided on his own to live with us full-time.
Was it ideal. No.
No divorce and life altering changes for a child is.
His wellbeing was my primary concern. My son and I were incredibly close... something changed. I'll be kicking myself for the rest of my life.
Thanks CaliRN13:
I hope with all my heart that's not where this is headed.
I've got to do everything I can to stop it from happening. I'm sorry you are having to go through that. Is there any hope he'll come around?
I appreciate that. It's good advice.
However, with that said - it is still illegal in many states AND too much of it does damage to the body. It can also be just a substitute for other drugs and alcohol if a person has an underlying addiction problem, induced by psychological issues.
The fact that his mother is not forming an alliance team with you to help your son resolve thes psychological problems is devastating.
He may not be depressed, but he may still suffer from unresolved issues. Clearly he is not feeling good about himself because he is medicating with pot and alcohol.
I think there is a diagnosis missing there. He may be avoiding counseling because he doesn't want to admit that he has problems that really bother him.
What was his childhood like? Have their been turmoil in the marriage, divorce, bullying, etc?
When did you first notice that he began to have problems?
Please talk to someone to help support you and give you the guidance for the best way to handle things. A lot of us have family members with drug and alcohol problems and unfortunately love for them sometimes involves drawing a serious line in the sand because sometimes when we are so emotionally invested, we end up contributing their behavior.