And that's why we are here, to help you visualize the picture you want instead of focusing on the picture you've had.

What about him not contacting you would big you? It's a sense of rejection? Does his rejection have any impact on your intrinsic value, or only on your external/superficial value? He can't build you up or diminish you in any realness, only on the surface.

The problem with substances and other addictions is that they prevent you from operating at that deeper level where surface shit, put on you by others, can't affect your self esteem 'bottom line'. That internal sense of your value is the really reliable sheild against emotional pain.

Yes... rejection, of course...

I am having a difficult time resisting the urge to msg him and ask him if it is over. The last time I did so, I ended up in his bed, but nothing changed. How can they say some many things and not mean them? I don't get it.

*Say so many...

I can't explain him, and he is really just a distraction isn't he? Is it easier to focus on him than on where your value lies?

I am having a very bad day today, for a variety of reasons...

What's going on today, Cindy?

I understand about you wanting your narc to make contact with you. After my OM#1 (Narc) moved far away and changed his number, I wished so badly he would make contact with me again. Every time my text went off I would hope it was him sending me a message. I looked him up on people finders just so I would know that I could. I opened a My Space account and sent him a friend request because I found his page on there which he had not been on in over a year but I figured if he ever looked again he would see me. I just had such a terrible time letting go. I was grasping at threads. It was over a year later, and well past Dday, before I felt that I had really and truly gotten over him. What helped me with that was that I read something that goingtobeokay had posted here that was written by a womanizer like my OM#1. I swear he could have almost been that guy. Somehow that piece really hit home for me and showed me how I had been taken for a fool by him. It really shook me and changed my perspective on the whole thing with him.

Change of topic: You know one thing that really surprised me after Dday and my total coming clean and committing to total transparency and honesty and giving my H and my healing 100% effort? What took me by surprise was how amazing it felt to have nothing to hide. for 28 years I had had nothing to hide, but for the last 7 mos, I had had a LOT to hide and I was constantly watching myself and double thinking everything to keep from getting caught. Living the double life and always watching yourself to not give out red flags is rather consuming. I always before took having nothing to hide for granted, but no more. Perhaps if you make that a goal it will steer you in the right direction. At least having no CURRENT activities to hide. Just something for you to think about.

BTW: sorry you are having a bad day. Hope you feel better.

Hi ladies. Damn event on June 1st at my place. Narc was pushing for it way back when...the group was made up of people more his friends than mine...One person offered to do the food and I stupidly offered my place, because it is big enough. Narc had a snit fit over something three or so weeks ago and left the group. Now folks keep cancelling on the event. me and food guy are left holding the bag. Someone just cancelled today and that put me in a funk. No point in complaining to narc as he won't give a shit. He is all over Facebook and is ignoring me, which hurts. I ended up back in his bed, which he said would make him want me everyday, but that was a lie. If anything, he wants me less...

I miss the one who is overseas, too...

Gabrielle, for me, I have always had things to hide. Before there were real life affairs, there were online and emotional affairs. Yes, I have only taken it into real in the past six months, but my whole marriage has been a lie.

So when, if ever, have you felt that you could be fully known and still accepted?

I am not sure what you are asking...

When was the last time you felt you could be loved without having to hide anything? Have you ever felt that kind of acceptance?

I have to hide those aspects of my sexuality from my husband if I wish to remain married to this particular man...

But have you ever felt loved by.anyone without having to hide? How about as a child?

There are always things that we hide from our parents. I was not a well-behaved child and I was a wild teenager, lol.