Here's a key question: what feelings come up for you if you abstain from all 'use'? No sex, no cyber, no masturbation, no driving around with the windows down and the music up to get the attention of guys in cars....what happens for you emotionally then? If those feelings are uncomfortable for you, then you're stuffing and you're using the 'drug' of sex/men/attention/acceptance to stuff those feelings down.

I have not tried to abstain from all use...nor do I plan to, as I believe we are all sexual beings and that giving up even masturbation and/or sex with a spouse is excessive.

When I am waiting for an expected text to confirm that I will be getting together with my lover, though, I do get the same kinds of feelings of withdrawal that I had when I quit smoking if the text is late...

Thought it was just me. I usually hit him up to go out. On occation he does and it is at the same time, aroung two hours before he is to get out of work. So, when that time rolls around and he hasn't texted, I just want to cry.

Of course we are sexual, but abstinence for a limited period of time in order to get your shit together and learn about your issues is not the same as denial of yourself as a human being. We're not talking about something that is natural and healthy at this point. It is natural to bleed for a time once a month but if you were hemorrhaging for weeks you wouldn't just chalk it up to nature and let it be until it killed you. You would attend to it because it's not healthy.

If you are determined to keep using then you will never know what could happen for you if you stopped. It is easier to hide from whatever feelings might be buried under the addiction than to deal with them and move forward.

Yes, but even if you (for example) went on the pill to stop the hemorrhaging (and I know women who have done that during perimenopause), you would still have some bleeding each month...

I don't know if the addiction (if it is one) is to hide from feelings or whether I just have a really strong sex drive.

I notice that you readily admit that it's an addiction right up to the point where someone talks about what you will need to do in order to get it under control. Then you're no longer sure it's a problem.

If you could take a pill to get this under control, in other words if there was a path where moderation could get you to a healthier place, I would just sit down and shut up--much like many people here who have opted out of this drawn out conversation with you. Most will not continue to beat their head against a brick wall when it becomes clear that you will deny the problem whenever you are challenged to face it. I'm a little more hard-headed than some, but I will give up eventually, too.

Do you want to get well, or do you want to continue in the pain you've been enduring? It's a simple problem of choice. Not that the solution is simple, or comfortable, and I know this from experience. But the choice is simple. If you don't want to get well, then what do you need from a support group? Encouragement? Permission?

I hope you see that I am not judging you, not making statements about who you are or about your behavior being right or wrong. I am hearing you persistently express pain as a result of your choices and then, when offered a solution, slipping back into defensiveness and denial. I don't know if anyone else will take you to task on this, but I will.

What do you really want?

Are you hoping to find a way to keep these toxic relationships and have them be less damaging to you? That isn't going to happen.

Hi Cindy, I can honestly say that that is something you must work through with a professional. I'm not saying what measure you should or shouldn't take because I do not have a physiology degree and I'm sorry but I don't believe in telling you to stop what your doing. I think it's best handled with a professional.. hopefully she won't tell you to stop all sexual activity cause I think nobody could do that. Addict or not!!

Good luck, keep us posted
Hugs, heard

Actually, if you go to a sex addiction professional, the first step is always abstinence as with Any Other Drug. Just look it up. Nobody kicks the habit of cocaine by continuing to use, and anyone who says you can recover from sex addiction without any period of abstinence is either poorly informed or an obstinate liar. Until you know you can stop and be okay, continuing to 'use' will not be a choice made freely.

People choose abstinence from sex for the purpose of diagnosis and recovery all the time. Having had this conversation with Cindy more than once, and with other recovering sex addicts involved, I can tell you that she has been informed that what's being suggested is not long term abstinence, but short term and for the purpose of recovery. No one has suggested that she should dismiss her sexuality altogether, just to moderate with abstention for a time until it can be brought under control.

And, yes, she has been directed to seek professional help in achieving this, went as far as making an appointment and then backed out. Ask her why.

From PsychCentral: "Unlike drug or alcohol treatment, the goal of sexual addiction treatment is not lifelong abstinence, but rather a termination of compulsive, unhealthy sexual behavior. Since it is very difficult for a sex addict to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy sex, programs usually encourage abstinence from any sexual behavior during the first phase of treatment. Many programs suggest a 60- to 90-day period of self-imposed abstinence. This enables you, along with the treatment team, to understand the emotional cues and circumstances that trigger sexual thought and compulsive sexual behavior."

I'm really not just pulling this brash opinion out of my ass. Abstinence is part of the standard treatment. The fact that simply asking 'what happens if' generates a defensive, denial response says a great deal about your reality, Cindy.

Seriously, we're talking to a woman who is having unprotected sex with strangers she's found on the internet; going to the home of a stranger who, for all she knows, could be keeping the bodies of his past partners in the freezer. Ignoring all moral judgments, her sexual behavior is flat out dangerous to herself, to all of her consenting and unprotected partners, and her husband who is being denied the option of consent to being exposed to the dangers.

I just can't see how advising that no one should tell her to stop serves any intelligent purpose aside from countering whatever I've said. Is countering my point really more important than the safety of this woman who is seeking our support?

fiber, cindy is not your responsibility, nor are the rest of us. We are all grown ass adults and not children... I think i did point out that she should get professional help and you are not a professional. You google info to suit your own points, and purposes to tell others how to live their life. There are different therapy options, and to continue to make it seem like your point is truth is absurd. There is a wide range of therapy treatments, and options, and she needs to find what is most comfortable for her.
you come off very "know it all", and turn others off with your approach. There is not one size fits all here. Nor is there just one right way. Therapy has a very wide range of treatments. You will never get the same opinion across the board when it comes to therapy.
Cindy, if one therapists suggestions dont fit for you then reach out to others. Every therapist has there own twist for treatment and options. It is up to you on which approach works best. This is assuming that you do feel you have a problem. Nobody here knows better than you. I am here for you, and will never judge you or tell you how to handle your life.
Hugs, let us know how things go...

Now you claim to know my thought processes and intentions while I search the internet for information? Your presumption is astounding, really.

Why don't you do a little search and find even one sex addiction therapist whose program does not include abstinence from the 'drug'? Wait....wouldn't that be cherry picking the available information to suit Your purpose? What is your purpose?

Yes, there are very many roads to healing sex addiction, maybe as many approaches to therapy as there are therapists. But there will be one common factor: the damaging behavior, ie the use of the drug, has to stop. Seriously, find me one addiction recovery professional who says it's okay to keep using cocaine, or whatever drug of choice, while on the road to recovery. Best of luck with that.

Assuming you do have a problem, Cindy? I'm not making an assumption, am I? How many posts have you already made where you state that you are addicted? Or that it feels just like some other addiction? Or withdrawal, like when you quit smoking? The only time you back down from that knowledge is when you're faced with the solution. Are you going to let the bullshit distractions of an obstinate woman keep you from the path you need to be on?

From Treatment Solutions: http://www.treatmentsolutions.com/sex-addiction-treatment/

"Unlike a recovering alcoholic who must steer clear of a single drink, complete sexual abstinence is not necessarily required for a sex addict to be considered “sober.” Think of recovering from sex addiction as similar to treating an eating disorder: the person doesn’t stop eating or having sex, but instead learns to do the problematic activity in a more appropriate manner.

For a recovering sex addict, this typically means having sex only within the confines of an emotionally-committed, monogamous relationship. BUT there may be short-term periods in which ABSTINENCE is necessary. For example, EARLY IN A SEX ADDICT'S RECOVERY PERIOD, THE ADDICT MAY NOT BE IN THE PROPER EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL STATE TO SUSTAIN A HEALTHY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP. This could even mean a recovering sex addict will abstain, for a limited time, from sexual relations even with their spouse.

Abstinence, especially from one’s own spouse, isn’t easy – but there are times when counseling must take center stage, as those in recovery must focus on identifying and overcoming the emotional baggage or trauma that led them to view sex in damaging, unhealthy ways.

Fiber just a thought for you.. You do come up some good suggestions, at times, however its lost in your presentation. maybe try a little more softness, and gentleness when pointing out your advice. Of course abstinence will be suggested by most, if not all therapists, but not right away. It should be a gradual approach, and not something that will even be discussed right away. A proper disclosure will be necessary for her to evaluate, diagnose, and treat.
Cindy, so sorry to have gone in this direction on your thread.
You know how to reach me if you want to talk,.. Im hear to listen and not judge..
hugs