else's, not eldest.

No. He does not deserve any of that.

I don't think trying to shame Cindy will really help in this matter. I know that emotions are running high here, and I understand that she has taken some dangerous risks. I think she understands that, too.

Cindy - I would warn you about thinking that this AFF guy is some wonderful, special godsend who will save you from all of your problems. Fiber and others are right that you can't use another person as the solution for what's wrong in your life. That has to come from inside of you.

I would encourage you to use these two weeks as a time to really reflect on what YOU can do to help yourself be happy.

I am not trying to shame anyone. I'm trying to draw her back to the reality she's acknowledged in the past. Trying to shame her would be fruitless as she's been clear she doesn't feel shame. Just trying to stay on track,not deflect to her husbands shortcomings.

Cindy, wow, what a thread, huh? I think you have been handling all this very well. Your responses are pretty level and you are not getting angry or defensive. I think you are really battling with this and believe me, I know the battle is a hard one and you've got a long ways to go.

I think I may have been in a similar place after OM#1 left. I was so very addicted to him and I thought it would just die down after he left but I remained obsessed with him. He was likely a narc as well. I too found substitutes for him. It was all cyber at first, which seemed safe to my addicted, justifying mind. When OM#2 entered the scene I had no resistance. I was completely sex / man crazed by this point. I had a great time with OM#2 and I even fell in love with him and him with me, but had I gotten over OM#1? Nope! I wasn't suffering as much because I had all my cyber "friends" and OM#2 as a distraction. I was having sex with my H frequently as well. It was like I just could not get enough, no matter what. If another opportunity had come along, I would likely not have turned it down and there would have been an OM#3. I was having the time of my life. This has got to be the funnest addiction ever. I didn't want it to end at all. I wanted to live my double lives as long as possible. I could not have fathomed the destruction it was all wreaking behind the scenes until it all came crashing in.

There is no easy answer here, and likely a messy and painful ending, as has been true for most of us. At least you are here and you are thinking it through. That's big. When I was in the middle of it all, I still knew what I wanted. I knew that no matter what happened, I would choose my H, my real life, not the fantasy life. In the end, if it all blew up on you and your H found out, and was willing to see you through therapy and try to rebuild, is that what you would want? In the end would you choose your M?

Excellent question, Gabi!

May I ask how it came crashing in...?

As for whether I would want my H if it came down to the wire, I am not sure. Sometimes I want to leave and strike out on my own...and this is not even about having other men. I am just not sure that I want to stay married. I want to travel, go to the theater, eat at ethnic restaurants...all the things that he won't do (I do it to a point with gfs already). I want to wake up and have an hour or two in the morning where no one talks to me.

I want to be left alone...

How do you do that after 26 years, tho? How messy the finances, the family, etc etc. I am not that brave.

Yes, all of that is scary to contemplate but would facing such issues be made easier or more clear if you are forced to by a D-day? Wouldn't it be better to clear your head and make solid decisions without all these escapist distractions or D-day pressure?

It came crashing in because my H saw something on the phone record that concerned him. I had sent pics to a mans e-mail. I didn't know the phone record showed the e-mail address and that it was a pic that was sent. He also began to wonder why I was on the computer so much. It was uncharacteristic of me. He decided to put a key logger on the computer and found out everything all in one shot because of a chat I had that same night.

Next came confrontation, confession, break up with OM, I had to make a decision. I chose H decisively and we immediately immersed ourselves into the painful world of rebuilding. It's hard to explain what that time is like. Dazed, confused, scared, guilty, devastating. I felt like I was standing in the rubble of a natural disaster that I had somehow single handedly caused. I went from head in the clouds happy but naughty girl, to complete disaster in one fell swoop.

BTW, Dday happened 4 days before our 29th anniversary; we just had our 31st. We have created a much better marriage and relationship than we had before. We are healing. It takes a long time. We have both made changes we probably would not have made had this not happened. We are dealing with our issues, we are closer than we have ever been in spite of the scars from the A, and believe me, we still feel those scars.

Most marriages can be improved if both parties decide they want to work for that. It often takes just such a catalyst to make people examine their priorities and realize that the marriage is top priority and should be treated as such, but before you can make much progress on the marriage, you are going to have to deal with the sex addiction issues because they definitely cloud the head and the judgement.

Even if your affair(s) are not in the past, you could tell the latest guy that they are.

My marriage was in the crapper, all but done on dday. We have a better stronger marriage than ever.

I meant to reply to you, jaded. I appreciate your comments. I think it is a very good idea to take this two week break and reflect. I will do so.

My husband hates that I am on the phone and computer so much. He is not very computer-literate, so I doubt he even knows about key loggers. The only way would be if he were suspicious and confided in someone who agreed to help him. I have my phone and iPad password-protected and my H does not see the bill for the phone or the details of my msgs, as it is online only.

I will do as jaded suggests and use this two weeks of freedom from guy #2 to really think about whether or not I want to continue. Narc is staying away, even after I ended up in his bed again, so if I had a brain, I would just write him off...

You do have a brain and you can use it to reframe your status with the Narc...you know how sometimes an unappealing picture looks much better with a different frame around it. Right now you're seeing him as in control.and making the choice to ignore you. In that picture, of he beckons you still go running. Change the frame by making a solid decision today that you are done with him, whether he makes contact again Jr not. Then it's no longer a problem of him holding out on you, just you moving on.

A much more comforting picture, no?

It is, very much. However, it will bug me if he never does make contact again...It will take some work to be able to re-frame it that way...