Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

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cindy666 05/11/2013

I have been keeping to my journal to write about my convoluted sex life, but had an experience yesterday that I found very weird. I met a male friend for lunch. We have known each other for 30 years. Back when we first met, he did want to date me, but I was not attracted to him. We became good friends, tho, and went out to concerts etc a lot up until the time we both got married.

Well, at the end of lunch, we got talking about our marriages and I said I really wasn't sure I wanted to be married, but felt kind of stuck after 26 years. He agreed and then said maybe it was time for a FWB. Then he confessed that he still wants me after all these years and wants desperately to make love to me, etc. I was gobsmacked. A few years ago, he was damning off people who screw around. I also thought his marriage was very good. Better than mine.

I am in a quandary. He is the second male friend of longstanding to come on to me in as many months. This is why I wonder...am I giving off some kind of signal...? It seems so crazy. With this latest one...while I am more attracted to him now than I was when he was young, I really don't want to have an affair with him. I also don't want to hurt him. I know I hurt him back in the day. How can I say 'no' diplomatically and retain the friendship?

deleted_user 05/14/2013

Not even for a second, then stuffing it down? Do you find that you are generally in touch with your feelings, or are they fleeting and then buried again? Are there certain emotions that you feel more capable of being in touch with and others that are too overwhelming?

deleted_user 05/14/2013

I sort of give up but you never do. GO FIBER. I have noting else to add. There is also another member group called Women Who Love Too Much. It might benefit you, Cindy.

cindy666 05/14/2013

I really don't think that I do, Fiber. I know that I tend not to be an emotional person (though all my tears over this narc would belie that), but I don't think I suppress anything in particular.

JustUGH 05/14/2013

Cindy, since this is the 2nd male friend in as many months, there's a good chance that by confiding in them, they are seeing that as an invitation. I know it doesn't make sense to you, but the male mind works differently.

I understand you not wanting to hurt his feelings, but....well, a "friend" who will listen to you explain that you're in a confused, vulnerable spot, and then try to confuse it more, is not really the kind of support you need right now.

Also, don't assume his marriage is not a good one. Many people try to fix issues with themselves by having an affair, even though the marriage doesn't necessarily need fixing.

Good luck to you. I hope you find some peace soon.

deleted_user 05/14/2013

Justugh is saying what I said, only saying it better. He is behaving like a man. Just like I said in my initial response. He has one of those penis things. He's straight. 'Nuff said.

deleted_user 05/15/2013

Cindy, I never thought I suppressed feelings either. Boy was I wrong. I suppress all of them and now we, H and the slew of therapists, are waiting for me to get real and start feeling.
With regard to hurting his feelings. I have said that so many times to H about OM that he finally got mad and wondered why I wasn't worried about his feelings. Great ? that I don't have an answer for.
I am going out on a limb and want to say that I think you knew exactly what he wanted. In fact you may have stopped it to keep the chase coming? That is what sex addicts do. Its not about the sex its about everything that goes with it. You now know that this man still wants you. It doesn't matter that he is a friend or wanted you before, he wants you now and that is a high that an addict craves. I am going to be real and say a part of me was even a little jealous because I am out of that game, although by choice its still really hard. I loved when men told me to meet them places. "We're just going to talk". Yeah right.
Again I may be wrong but you have mentioned before that you are an addict and this is just some insight from another sex addict.
I also agree with Tantric, He's male!

cindy666 05/15/2013

Thanks, scuddles. I absolutely believe I am a sex addict. I am just not sure that I am ready to quit yet. I had an appointment with a clinic that specializes in sex addiction and I cancelled it out of fear. I still have two OM...

Justugh, the first male friend I mentioned is actually in an open marriage. I think his idea is more to have me play with both him and his wife. I think he would like it if my husband were game, too.

deleted_user 05/16/2013

The mind works in marvelous ways. I had trauma stuffed down from when I was a small child that I could not process so it stayed locked away until I was safe enough to feel my way through. You may not be conscious of stuffing your feelings down. The hint can be in recognizing the range of your emotions, if that range is limited. My H is a feeling stuffer, with a repertoire limited to happy (which for him is content/neutral, absence of anger), angry, horny or tired. Asking him to identify his feelings, acknowledge them or put words on them is like trying to herd cats.

I've got a page of emotion faces http://healing-solutionstherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/FeelingFaces.gif that I like to share with him and the kids, just to stretch their range of emotions. It's an interesting exercise to ask 'when was the last time you felt this or that?', just to have them tune in to haviing more feelings than they were conscious of.

Gabrielle48 05/16/2013

Cindy,
You may indeed have that sign on your forehead. I did. I believe when we are in that zone, sex addiction craziness, we put out vibes that men are drawn to like moths to a flame. I had never in my life had men pay attention to me till I was in that sex addicted fog and then suddenly men were paying attention. I am still having trouble with the man in the nursing home, (that's no joke, it's true, Lol)

We think men are so clueless, but not when it comes to THAT vibe.

You seem like a fairly self-confident person. Maybe you can just play it straight with him. Tell him the truth. some version of these words: "while I am more attracted to him now than I was when he was young, I really don't want to have an affair with him. I also don't want to hurt him. "
The longer you wait to turn him down the more complicated it gets and the more it will hurt him. nipping it in the bud will just sting a little and then he will move on. Leave the "retaining friendship" ball in his court. Once you convince him you won't have an affair with him, he may feel most comfortable to just disappear.

cindy666 05/17/2013

Gabrielle, I guess that is why I titled the thread that way...because this is kind of a new phenomenon for me, too. Over the years, there have been men here and there that have wanted to have affairs with me, but lately it seems to be most guys that I talk to show at least some interest. My OM was telling me about a mutual friend that he thought might want into my pants and he said he didn't blame him...that I had a 'sexual flare'.

It's weird. I'd like to know how to tamp it down. I don't want to mess up friendships.

cindy666 05/17/2013

Fiber - I spent the better part of six months crying almost daily over my narc OM. I am over that now, thank god. I think, in part, because I found a substitute and because I have learned about narcs and realize that it is not that there is something wrong with me.

I think all the crying should mean that I am not really stuffing down feelings...?

cindy666 05/17/2013

On a positive note, too, it looks like narc OM may not attend an event at my place that he was supposed to attend, after all. This is probably a good thing, as he had told me he planned for us to sneak into a dark corner somewhere and f**k. I went along with his talk, though I secretly wondered how the hell we would pull that off with a crowd of people, including my husband, at the party. Like many things with him, though, I don't believe he ever had any intention of following through. I am not surprised that he may not even show up.

deleted_user 05/17/2013

Allow me to offer this please. You are tricking yourself 2 threads back. You are not "over that now, thank god". You have just compartmentalized it and are using different defense mechanisms to control the affect. The way your are dealing with it, in part, is whey people see you as being in heat.

deleted_user 05/17/2013

Going, you are right. Cindy, Sister, please, please keep away from narc. having been married to someone with a PD, he will destroy your life! I should know. He has certainly destroyed mine.

deleted_user 05/17/2013

It's like getting over that hit of acid by doing a few lines of cocaine, and then getting over those by shooting some heroin. As long as you come across as an addict looking for a high, men will keep offering you the drug.

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