She gets to make a "very human mistake," yet my mistake is repulsive and makes her ill. I started to back off, but I just got the stake to the heart in return:

Me:
I'm sorry [ex]. It was quite the shock and you gave me no explanation, no apology, no reason to think he wasn't supposed to be there.

You do things at times that seem a bit manipulative to me. I'm not perfect by any means either. In this case, I wondered if you thought I needed a strung nudge to let go, and you found a way to give me that nudge.

You are right that I do not know your real motivation, so if it was just an accident, then I apologize for any assertion of otherwise. Nonetheless, it is a fact that it was a shock and it hurt like hell. Given his presence at the house, there was also no reason for me to think he wouldn't be meeting [our son], and in fact he did if not formally.

Anyway, I haven't slept in a few nights and this hit me hard. It brought back all those horrible memories for me that I haven't thought about in quite some time. It all flooded back in.

It is my intention to protect myself and our son. It is not my intention to hurt you. I'm sorry if I did.

Her:

An honest person has no need to manipulate and no behavior repulses me more than passive aggressive crap. Far better results are obtained by being straightforward which is why I conduct myself that way. The fact you don't seem to get that about me after being married to me baffles me and everyone else who seems to understand this very basic fact about me.

The convoluted motives and agendas you attribute to me are repulsive indeed and if you believe them, there is no reason to love me because I'd be a revolting human being. However, I'm in the best position to know what I think and feel and I don't want to be with someone who even thinks these things about me because it literally makes me ill. Nobody else who has known me for any amount of time thinks these things about me.

There are no hidden agendas. I didn't even have to tell you I was dating but hey, that's the honest thing to do, even if it hurts.

I'll add another voice to the chorus of people saying you did great - that email you wrote was excellent. Her response is pretty disgusting. But this seems to be the usual pattern for the cheaters, liars, users out there - they are delusional and narcissistic. They have blamed us for everything and don't see all of their own shortcomings. They also lack a moral compass, because the way they betray us and yet still seem to think they're in the right is appalling.

In my own situation, after I found out about the cheating (from someone else) I texted my wife that she was a worthless POS and that I would never respect her again (didn't tell her why, specifically). The way she tried to turn that around on me was to say that I hadn't respected her for a long time so how would that be any different? This from the person who was cheating on me for 2-3 YEARS, lying the whole way, treating me like shit, and using me for childcare and the things I do around the house. I wasn't respecting HER!!

You can't wrap your head around the way these people think. They are fucked up. Period. They hid it well for a while and now that they've designed their new life the ugly truth emerges. Let's just be glad to get rid of these toxic, horrible people.

Stay strong.

That sounds pretty familiar... she basically has explained the entire event without any fault. There was no acknowledgement of any wrong doing. The clock was wrong. She didn't realize the time. It wasn't intended. There was no, "I see how that made you feel." No validating of anything real. That is EXACTLY how my ex is. It was always my fault, my emotions, my problems, nothing was ever her fault.

ONE THING I LEARNED BUDDY -- Don't tell her how you feel. Don't bring it up. Don't mention it to her... or else it just comes back to you.

I mean seriously, "This is what drove me a away." She just wants to guilt you into accepting the ending and failed relationship--you will never hear things like "I was wondering what it would be like to be with someone else." or "I had an emotional affair." or whatever else is there, it's not going to come out. Instead--you are responsible.

I feel your pain man, it's bs. I have been there so many times.

Stay strong!

As an addendum. Now be done with the back and forth. There is nothing to gain from it except to give her the satisfaction of continuing to push your buttons and claim (in her twisted mind) the moral high ground. Just stop responding. Either with no response at all, or a very terse and final thing like "I'm done with this/you." And that's it.

Don't ever look to her to try to learn what your shortcomings are. Work on self esteem, as we all need to do after being cheated on and dumped. Talk to your counselor about all this; you may have some codependency stuff to work on.

You're guilty of really caring, and being willing to endure a heck of a lot of pain in order to try to keep your marriage/family alive. Nothing to be ashamed of.

Hang in there and use that anger. She is repulsive and nasty. Just like my narcissist. Hold on to that and imagine a future with someone who is giving and loves you for who you are. It's likely out there, eventually. But do the hard work in the meantime to get healthy.

That's not a stake to the heart..it's a gift. Now you can truly move forward without this narcissistic vile person who's only concern is obviously herself. Be a strong dad for your kids. Someone has to be the sane parent and it's obviously not her.

You know I've gotten these kinds of emails from my ex too soon after the split..after she was the one cheating and lying and left me and our daughter is was of course all my fault lol. I have learned it just does no good to show them any kindness or concern for their well being because they already have it alllllll figured out, just ask them. Just so unoriginal. I've seen this shit so many times.

I think you're getting sucked in. I know it's hard but acknowledge the event and let it go.

I used to bring this stuff up to my former, but the last thing I want to do now is get sucked back into the drama vortex.

Good luck.

I wouldn't email her again. She's a master manipulator, and short of having God Almighty himself point out her faults and what she is doing, she is not going to accept any responsibility for her words or actions. She's deflecting, and there is nothing you can do about that. She is a miserable person who hates herself, contrary to what she portrays to the world. She is beyond cruel. She is heartless and evil. Don't waste anymore of your pervious energy or time on that POS.

SJA exactly. You can't reason with someone like this you may as well have a deep conversation with a potato. You will never ever get anywhere. Much better to just move forward and not give them a platform to regurgitate their awesomeness.

Kbbcoop - well said!! And something I will remember this when I am trying to get through to my stbx.

I agree with other posters - don't email her again. Did you hire an attorney? The less you have to communicate with the ex, the better.

Good Lord, she is very cold and manipulative. I don't buy any of her excuses and rationalizations - she knows what she's doing, she does these things (having you "accidentally" meet Chris) on purpose, then denies them and somehow flips it on you to try to make you feel worse. It's called "gas lighting" and it's a classic manipulative tactic.

I would strongly encourage you to go No Contact. I realize you have to set up times to exchange your son, but these back and forth conversations are really not beneficial, due to the fact that she is a master manipulator. She's always right, you're always wrong, she has an answer for everything, and in each exchange that you've posted here, her words make MY head spin and I dont even know her. Honestly, she will keep jerking you around until you break this cycle.

Don't answer her. And/or only answer what is absolutely necessary. If she writes you a novel, only respond if you NEED to about your son, and then keep it to things like "I will bring son back at 5 PM." She's just going to keep it going, it won't stop. She clearly has the need to make herself feel superior and "put you in your place" and she's going to keep treating you this way for as long as you feed into it. I know it is hard, but going No Contact saved my sanity. My stbxh is trying to reconnect with me now. I only reply to the things he says that directly affect his visitation with our son. I do not reply to anything else he says. And as tempting as it is, I do not write him messages explaining my point of view. It's pointless and will never matter to him.

I know it's hard. But it will save your sanity and let you heal. Big Big hugs to you.

I know you are all right, yet I'm so conditioned to it that I feel like a POS now. This is my first day of intentionally (from my side) going no contact in that I told her not to come for her steak dinner. I have my son over now, but I feel physically ill. I'm light-headed and sick to my stomach, probably from not eating all day. I hope the nausea goes away soon, and I hope it gets a LOT easier soon, because I just want to reach out and apologize and have her near me, but I won't.

I could have just made her steak dinner, and all would be the new "normal," but instead I did this and spent the day getting more and more anxious with each email. I feel like hell.

You are not a POS, she is. I know you are hurting and struggling, but it will get easier. You have been on an emotional rollercoaster, and your emotions and self esteem need to catch up. It will take time. Focus on your son and your self and healing. It is going to take a lot of time, but as long as you keep your focus on your healing and self, you will get through it. Focus on you.

Interesting response from her, frankly I can see her point. I recently was faced with similar situation - it is so easy to misinterpret someone's behavior or words. A good rule of thumb is to assume positive intentions always, as human behavior is motivated by putting best foot forward whereas reactions come from the interpretations of our wounded insecure self. This opened my eyes. Have a look at the link about resolving relationship drama - the material is free and I am not associated with them in any way just found it enlightening.
https://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/relationship_matrix.htm

Yeah..what happy mamma said.