She used your son as bait for date night. She wanted you to feel guilty to get what she wants so she used your son. what do you think you should do about it? What do you feel will happen when she keeps dumping him on you for dates? How will your son feel about it? I think he needs you a lot more than you may anticipate even if he is 11. I would take the opportunity to allow him to voice how he feels about the situation and bond over it but that is just me. He's approaching puberty and will be confused enough when he gets there so before good "old" Chris makes an impression then perhaps it will be a good idea to "have a talk about puberty?". That is if you already habe not do so...and it's just a suggestion.

I responded and told her I would take him. I don't want him staying with some unknown "make arrangements" people.

However, I'm so distraught over yesterday's email exchange that I caved and asked her if we could walk by the river and then I'll take my son home with me after. I want to restore peace and know that we are okay - even if we are apart now. I think it is important for my son as well that we are able to transition to some semblance of friends.

I know, bad idea. Setting myself up for more pain. Why is it so hard to just cut it all off?

She is hesitant as she was "so drained" by yesterday's exchange and doesn't need any more of that, so I reassured her I just want a clam, "normal" walk to restore peace. She is thinking about it.

Are you in therapy? If you're not you might want to explore why you allow this unhealthy dynamic to continue with a professional. Your ex has behaved horribly, not only yesterday but for months. Now she's back in the driver's seat deciding if she'll grace you with her presence for a walk as if you did something wrong. Until you address the underlying problem you're going to continue to be under her thumb and it doesn't bode well for any future relationships.

"Why is it so hard to cut it all off?" I heard it called "kicking up embers".

Good point Missy73. I have an appointment on Friday.

This has been quite a ride. From her Neil thing and divorcing me to reconciling and staying overnight here (but never with a commitment on her side), to deciding it was over at Christmas, to reconnecting this spring and making love this month, to suddenly her dating New Guy, bumping into them at the drop-off, etc. I tried to set a boundary or two yesterday and it all blew up in my face. It is all a little whiplash effect. My feelings are so jumbled.

I want to have some kind of balance so it will be amicable to have a joint birthday party for my son, co-parent, PTA meetings and so forth. I think that's likely okay.

Another part of me wants, or even craves her friendship. That's probably one I need to let go of, but I'm not sure. Things would be better for my son if we were friends. However, it is all so fast to have New Guy on the scene, and I'm not sure I can handle a friendship transition gracefully. As you can see, to make it work involves swallowing my feelings, being controlled to a degree and then being grateful for crumbs. This is what I will work on in therapy.

Another part of me just wanted her back and I did anything to be perfect for her and win her. That one is losing its appeal. Looking back, intellectually I begin to see how much I was used. I can't do this again, and I'm pretty sure I can let go of that.

Definitely agree with the point Missy is making.

The thing is, yes, it is ok to want a peaceful environment for your son. However, it is unrealistic in many, if not most, divorce situations to think it can happen right away. The first step is the total disconnect from each other as spouse, lover, even friend. I am sorry, but this woman is NOT your friend. I should hope you would never tolerate a friend treating you this way.

In your relationship and breakup situation, it is very unrealistic to move right into friends. First step is to cut the ties, end the unhealthy cycle. Then you reestablish your self esteem, your self love, caring for yourself in a healthy way. Then, and only then, might it be possible to be "friends." Because I am sorry, but right now, with the way she treats you, it is definitely unhealthy for your son to be around the 2 of you together at the same time. It would be far better for him to see you taking care of yourself, being civil at the necessary interactions, but moving on by cutting out all unessential interactions at this time. She's not going to stop treating you badly overnight, if at all. She does not deserve to spend time with you, nor to be your priority. Again, I know how hard it is to cut it off. Most of us here do know how hard b/c we've been there. But she's not someone who is kind to you, therefore there isn't a healthy friendly example there for your son.

Furthermore, every time you extend an olive branch to her, she sees that as you handing all of the power back to her. With some people, that would be ok. With someone who treats you as she does, it is dangerous and not likely to end well

Peace to you, and strength for your healing.

I appreciate your experience and wisdom.

It is even more confusing because she has included her first ex-husband in Easter, Father's Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas as well as birthdays of the kids, and she has continued to include me as well. Her first husband is re-married and both he and his wife come for dinner and presents, but don't stay long. I assumed that was the model for me to follow now.

In fact, just thinking about Father's day coming up has me full of anxiety. Her father comes and my son visits with his grandparents and me. Do I refuse to go now? Do I insist on having my son and he doesn't see his grandparents? Do I celebrate alone with my son on a different day? It seems easier to just go if we can be civil as her first Ex is. I know I'm projecting, but it is all a jumbled ball of emotional sh*t in my head right now.

Good Lord, your ex is terrible.

Again, I am with happymama, Charliegirl and Missy. You need to be very careful. I know we are only hearing about your exes actions second hand, but there seems to be a pattern with her and men in general, and long before you came along. She manipulates, controls, and treats men as if they are playthings instead of people with feelings who deserve respect. It makes me wonder what her relationship with her father (ugh, yes I went there) was like, her parents marriage, or if she was abused in some way when she was younger. Some of her actions scream Borderline Personality Disorder. There is just something not right with this woman's reactions. Don't feed them. It is not healthy for you or your son.

I just got back from DivorceCare. It is a good group and helpful.

SJA, my Ex had a very difficult childhood, including abuse and at one point molestation, and including abandonment when she was in her early teens and she had to raise her little brother.

My childhood wasn't great either, including the death of my father at 9, and an abusive alcoholic step-father, etc., so I try not to judge. I'm sure I have baggage from that as well.

I'm sorry for your issues and hers. Unfortunately, you are making yourself a doormat to her, and by God, you don't deserve that. Your ex is toxic as hell. She wants your son on father's day? Is it written in your custody that you get him on father's day? That is your day to spend with him. Not hers. I'm sorry, but it just amazes me what she is getting away with. It's not right.

#69 " i try not to judge"

you'd better start

Nothing has been said about Father's day yet. I was only listing what we usually do, and what we did last year even though we were divorced - she had me over for a cookout with my son and with her father. I don't know what to do this year, if I'm even invited. My son doesn't get to see his grandfather all that often.

Now she is punishing me by still texting me goodnight, but without the I love you. Sending me a message, I guess. She knows I'll worry about it. She still sent the text as usual, so I know she didn't forget and fall asleep, but dropped the "Love you." How sad is it that I wait for that text at night and that I am distressed by the change?

Please, please, please get yourself into a good therapist. If this is how things are going to be with her, you are going to be stuck and not be able to move on. She is toying and manipulating you.

My husband does the same thing to me. Says he doesn't want to leave the OW, says that he wants to date and be single right now. But the second I start to accept it and pull away, he starts in with saying things to make me hopeful, or tries to hug and kiss me, or tries to come on to me. Your wife is like my husband, she is manipulating you. Wants you to always be around for her when things don't work out with someone else. She wants you to still chase her and look at her adoringly. She wants you to chase her. What do you think her reaction would be if she dropped off your son and you had another woman at your house who you did not introduce her to? I know that my husband would freak out. Even though he has an OW who frequently stays at his house, I know he would lose it because he still considers me his. You wife is playing the same BS games with you. She wants out....then show her what it is to be out.

I think you need to stop being so passive. Who cares whether she invites you for Father's Day? Make your own plans with your son. You former father-in-law is an adult. If he wants to see your son, he should make plans to do so on her time. Stop being so accommodating and stand up for yourself. The goodnight texts need to end immediately. She gets to bang the new guy after work and when your son is with you and then she texts you afterwards to say goodnight? That's disgusting not to mention cold hearted, cruel and manipulative. I could go on but I'm sure you get the point. You are not going to be able to move on until you cut this cancer out of your life. You've been divorced for over a year. I know it hurts but it's time to let go for your own sake. If you can't do it for yourself, think of your son. Is this the sort of dysfunctional relationship you want him to emulate?