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The new man and my son - Too soon

LostNFound3
LostNFound3
Some of you have seen my prior posts. In essence, I tried to reconcile with my ex and we did wonderfully up until we made love earlier this month. She then stopped coming over and 10 days later announced she was going to start dating and we are done.

Here we are 10 days since she supposedly started dating, and she allowed me to pick up my son today after they hiked to a tower. It is supposed to be my weekend, but I let them keep my son for the long weekend as my step-daughter is moving out of state next week, but my Ex let me have him for a few hours today. She wanted me to drop him back home at 6:00 as they are going to have a fire and make s'mores.

Anyway, I pull in to drop him off, and there is a tall man talking to my ex in the garage (the door is open). They just keep talking and ignore me, so I bring my son's stuff in the house. My ex comes in a minute later and I ask who the dude was. She says "That's Chris - the man I'm dating."

I really didn't need to see him so soon. I mean, we were doing well and making love only three weeks ago, and I'm really not happy that my son met him if she's only been dating him under two weeks. Shouldn't she be pretty sure about a guy before he comes into my son's life? She says he wanted to meet my step-daughter before she moves.

I'm torn to shreds right now and the tears won't stop.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
The only reason you are conitioned to her is because when someone has convinced themselves of their own lie then they can very convincingly tell you what you already know in your gut and your heart is true is a lie. Packing lingerie on a trip and telling you "nothing is going to happen or nothing did happen...give me a break. I have been gas lighted and it makes you doubt yourself as you are doing now but everyone here is able to support your way out of it. I can tell you it took me at least 3 months to stop taking the bait. You have got this.
LostNFound3
LostNFound3
I know I did the NC, but I'm fighting sitting and staring at my phone hoping for a text. Last night she texted me "Nite, Love You." I'm guessing she won't tonight after that email exchange. Isn't that what I wanted? Why am I staring at he phone. Why am I dizzy and have cramps and nausea? How can I have explosive diarrhea if I didn't even eat today? Man, I feel like I'm losing it. How do you stay strong in the face of this?
Aries1958
Aries1958
Yes, being the mother of two sons, I never allowed a boyfriend get meet my sons before I had a sense that he relationship was serious. In short, the last man I dated for two years dropped me to relocate. Am I ever glad he never met my sons.

I guess in short, your soon to be ex wife is not thinking thoroughly about the implications of her son meeting a man too soon.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
I do not know how to stay strong as I myself had set backs and weak moments but it all comes down to one question. Is she really worth the pain and forgiveness to put yourself back in the same position. I look back and see qualities about my husband that makes me wonder why do I think he is such a horrible guy and then he reminds within 2 to 3 days time. Your strength is on finding your true value and it doesnt reside in her. I still get sick sometimes and I panic because I really do have to start from rock bottom. But what is greater is knowing it is possible :-)
LostNFound3
LostNFound3
Now she wants me to take my son this weekend, to make up for not having him most of last weekend. However, all of the girls are going with my step-daughter to Wisconsin to help her move, and the undertone is she wants that time alone with the New Guy - no kids around. That shouldn't factor into my decision, but it is also hard to ignore. Obviously she has ample opportunity to be with New Guy at his place after work, or on any other weekend I have my son, so why does it matter if they have the house to themselves? Is it because it was my house? My bedroom? Am I projecting too much?
LostNFound3
LostNFound3
I didn't answer yet, but I just got another text saying she has plans for Saturday night if I want dibs on my son, otherwise she will make arrangements. I guess she really wants a night alone with New Guy. This is just so fast after all appearing well and her making love with me earlier this month. Plus, we had plans/tickets to a show on Friday night, but she said she couldn't go because the kids would be away and she didn't want to get a sitter. I guess getting a sitter or "making arrangements" is fine for a night alone with New Guy. What do I do?

I'm hurt, but I sound so bitter, even to myself. That isn't me.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
Well yeah you made memories in that house so I think its pretty freaking normal to feel the way you feel. I would be pissed at the fact that I helped pay for the house for her to live in and now she is basically asking you If It Is ok to screw another guy in it and can you please watch the kid while I have my fun. I think you need a lawyer asap before you get screwed out of anything else.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
Its not about being bitter. It's about being respectful.
LostNFound3
LostNFound3
That part is done. I signed the house over to her. It is hers now. That also sucked as I only had four years left on the mortgage. It still feels like my house though - especially on Saturday installing the pump, doing yard work and manning the grill for the party.

In this case, I guess I'll have to say yes as I don't want my son with some unknown party Saturday night, regardless of what she is doing. I can't change that anyway and it is killing me to obsess over it, so I have to will myself to stop somehow.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
Not trying to be rude but it's really not about being bitter to me. Its about her not giving you any respect. You have rights but because of your child you to me are treading carefully and thats admirable to me. She's going to have her fun with the new guy no matter what you do so why not have a good night with your son :-). Sorry if that is blunt but we can't stop new relationships from forming even if it is our house and all we can do is what we have authority to do for ourselves. How do you see the divorce playing out for yourself? Its not like we can force kids out while mom strings along the new guys. What are your options? What's in the best interest of the kid? You can eventually sell the house and rebuild somewhere else but only you know what you feel is best in your heart and mind. Hugs to you.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
Oh ok..gotcha...:-). Sorry you have to go through this. It really is difficult.
happymama2j
happymama2j
Once again it sounds like she's being purposefully insensitive to "get your goat," as my grandma would say. And doing it in a way that she's trying to bait you to fight with her on it or call her out on it, etc. She's waving it in your face, but doing it in a way she can deny IF you take the bait. Sorry b/c I know you still have feelings for her, they dont go away over night, but she's absolutely RIDICULOUS and childish.

I'd definitely just say that you'd be happy to have the time with Son and leave it at that. Again, I know it is hard b/c I've been there, but start to see her through the lens of "this woman is being intentionally hurtful" and that will help you miss her less and less. Stay strong, and dont respond to the other subtext. Yes, she's being selfish and rude, but you will ultimately feel better if you give her the cold shoulder about it rather than agreeing to play the game with her.
Missy73
Missy73
I couldn't agree more with HappyMama. Your ex is trying to bait you and rub your nose in it. Take your son for the weekend and be grateful that he won't be exposed to your ex and her latest victim. I know it's torturous to think of her with someone else but the pain will fade with time.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
Yeah, it is pretty obvious she is being spiteful. But you know how you put an end to childish behavior. One way is to ignore it and the other way is to discpline the child. I may be cold but I say let her.struggle to find a sitter and at the last minute tell her you are available..thats what my devious mind says to do but it's not the best thing to do regarding a manipulator. You actually do have to take yourself out of her little game and make your own rules :-)
sja
sja
I'm with Charliegirl, Missy and HappyMama. Don't play the game. She sounds like a loose cannon leaving men in her wake. Don't continue to make yourself vulnerable to her. She's not worth it.