I can't sleep. My mind is racing. Ughh. I want to scream, but all I can do is cry. Looking back, I've been so used and I'm still a doormat. What the hell is wrong with me?

you are waking up to reality
Time to start having boundaries

this is the beginning of your self empowerment and healing journey

Agreed, set boundaries. You have a weak boundary with her. She was intimate with you and you did not assert yourself - your wants and needs, so she stomped on you. The weekly dinner is not the problem - it is good for the kids to keep that sense of all together - keep doing that. However, adjust your thinking - dinner is not for you and her, but for the kids. Separate your emotions. Assert yourself - if she blurs the lines, she is testing you - if you let her blur the line, then have that conversation. With her about what you want. To start, tell her that there shall be no more hanky panky unless in the framework of dating seriously, if that is what you want. Else, accept the hook up as just that, a hook up and take it for what it is, even enjoy it.

Okay, here is a bit of email exchange:

Me: I know it partially isn't my business, but our son is my business. If you've only been dating Chris under two weeks, don't you think it is a little soon to be introducing him to our sonr? I'd really rather you were sure before he meets a new man in his life. That's what all the literature I've had to read says to do. I guess I'm a bit surprised as that is the opinion I've heard you give as well.

I don't want to start an argument or a long email trail, but I'd appreciate it if you'd consider it, though it seems already too late.

Thanks.

Her: He didn't meet Tever, and i'll handle that, thx

Me: Thank you. I appreciate it..

Her: Chris was here meeting [step-daughter] before she moves.

Me: I did not reply to that

Her again: I'm going to take the opportunity to remind you that I've done this before- successfully maintaining the emotional health of children through divorce, dating and subsequent remarriage. It would be hypocritical of you to express all this concern over our son when you trusted me to navigate it all with the girls when I was dating you.

[Our son] is fine. I always make sure of it. Direct your emotional energy to your own recovery and that will help [our son] the most.

Me: I made my request and asked to not start an email chain or argument. I certainly can't control your behavior, so all I can do is ask you to do the right thing and hope you do.

I'm not expressing "all this concern." I only asked you to be sure before you introduce a new man in his life. Anything you read, anywhere, says you don't introduce your date to your children when you've been dating for less than two weeks, so I don't have any hesitation in asking you to think twice and to protect my son. You know better and have been very outspoken in the past about others introducing dates to their kids too soon, and they had been dating far longer, so who is being hypocritical? Let's leave it at that.

As for setting me up, that was really shitty and cruel of you. You asked me specifically to drop [our son] off at 6:00. There was no reason to have Chris standing there with you when I arrived, with no prior warning to me, and then to not even be woman enough to introduce me, but to leave me standing there awkwardly while you both ignored me until I went in the house was really special. That made it double awkward for the girls when I brought [our son's] stuff in and asked "Who's the dude? One of Dave's Friends?" and they all froze and said "Ask mom." I honestly thought you were doing your usual and providing counsel to one of their friends. Our son was also confused and it was awkward for him. Did you notice he opened the door on his side, started to get out, saw Chris and froze, then came over to my side to get out? I didn't say a word to him.

If you really had your first date on 5/15, 10 days ago, I'd say your moving really, really fast. That's your business, but our son is mine, so all I can do is ask you to do what's right. The rest is up to you.

As for my recovery, it is going well, but it will take me time to get over your manipulation, cruelty and mind games, especially from the last couple of years, and especially from the lies you told me that destroyed my trust.

I'll pick him up tonight.

That was SO hard for me to write - to risk her being angry and upset with me. I think I want turn to her for comfort, hence wanting her over for dinner, but I have to break that cycle as she is the source of the pain. So, I uninvited her to dinner, vented some, and will now do my best to go NC which will be incredibly painful and hard for me to do.

You should be really proud of yourself. Standing up to her was really hard for you but you were your anger and establish some boundaries This is a crucial step towards healing.

Sorry for posting this on your other thread earlier.

Awesome email! You and her, by the way, have great open communication, being able to speak to each other so openly and honestly. Most men hide their feelings and take the blows. You smart to seek answers and push for what you feel is right.

I'm sorry for your pain. From the email you just sent her, it looks like the dinner plans are off. I agree that is the correct move.

My ex has also moved on very quickly into a rebound relationship. My kids are being forced to spend their visitation time with his new fianc and her son, whom they don't like. My son was around the same age as yours when we separated. My kids, especially my son, would rather be with me. Every time the kids are with my ex on a weekend, my son texts me, asking what time I'm getting him. So, you will probably find that your son prefers to be with you.

I would advise that in addition to not letting your ex have any more time with your son during your visitation, that you document everything that goes on, in case you need it for court in the future. Save your emails with your ex in a folder - try not to re-read them, though.

I think you will heal faster if you keep contact with your ex to a minimum. As tempting as it is, don't bring up the issue of "Chris" anymore, but pay attention to what your son tells you about them. It's a rebound relationship...it probably won't last. She's using him as a distraction from the pain of the divorce, instead of looking within. Best of luck to you.

I think that you have erected some good boundaries. I need to follow suit. How has it been? Has she been retaliating in any way since your email? I am afraid of my husband doing this when I start to erect some more strict boundaries. I am also afraid that he will introduce our kids to his POS girlfriend. The one he cheated on me with. The one that sent me a nasty email. The one that tries to leave her shit all over his house so my kids find it. Ugh this has to be so hard for you. I hope you are doing well today.

Love it. Don't be afraid of backlash. Its about time she was put in her place. Awesome job.

That sucks. I would feel the same was as you.

I won't generalize women or men, but it's pretty standard for one partner to move on before the other. Sometimes one partner moves on way in advance and then hangs around for familiarity and comfort. I don't know where you were in relation to her, but she is already moving on for sure. It's probably a rebound relatoinship or a transition relationship--both will end before they started.

In regard to your kids, that is the worst part. You can't do much but accept it. I'm adding you as a friend, feel free to message me whenever.

Good luck!

@broken yes she retaliated. Any time I actually speak up for myself, I always come out looking like the bad guy, questioning myself, and beating myself up for having done so when the chips fall. e.g. Is this why I lost her. Here's how she turns it and makes me feel that way - her responses summarized:

"The trouble is that when you aren't getting what you want, you make assumptions and accusations that aren't true and are difficult to forget, as they seem to be your real opinion. I will never understand why you claim to love me. When you hold. Such low opinions of my character and motives.

This is what drove me away and what makes it possible to leave. The suspicion, accusations and assumptions of what I think or feel. This is what you cannot do in the next relationship if you want to succeed.

The non-introduction was about me not being sure how you would act in front of our son and I was taken by surprise because I did not realize the time, Michael. I automatically went by the mantle clock which was wrong. Chris was about to leave (I had just shown him the bike rack) and neither you nor our son was supposed to meet him, contrary to your accusations. It was a mistake. That is all. Nothing cruel or planned in the least.

No hypocrisy on my part, just a very human mistake that is being turned into something it isn't. It put Chris in every bit as awkward a position as he didn't expect it either. Why would I do that? What purpose would it serve? I. Wish you'd think thinks through before you make these awful assumptions that positively revolt me."

Has your ex ever been diagnosed bipolar? My mother is bipolar, and your ex sure sounds a lot like her. Just a curiosity.

Excellent email to her btw, she's awful...

I love how given the opportunity, our exes can write pages and pages of what's wrong with us and not ever mention their own shortcomings.
I made that mistake soon after the breakup and got an earful of everything that's wrong with me. I can look back now and chuckle because it's just par for the course..if anything you can look at it as another step moving forward because they obviously have.
Good luck buddy