Oh, Matt.

You're so simple.

I wish NOT having sex was the biggest concern in my old relationship.

My ex was also one who thought he could be verbally abusive and then expect me to just be intimate whenever he wanted.

He was also emotionally abusive--he would play all types of stupid mind games: tell me I wasn't sexy enough and want me to wear all types of sexy lingerie, but when I would, then he would ignore me, or worse, push me away and tell me to leave him alone. I realize now that it was all about controlling me in his passive/aggressive way, but unfortunately, it turned me off of sex. Consequence--he cheated.

Do I blame myself for his cheating? Hell no. If he'd been a more loving, attentive husband and got help for his emotional problems, I'd still be a loving wife. But how long is someone expected to take abuse before saying "I'm done"?

Sorry this is so long--this touches a nerve with me.

Thanks Rman,for touching on such a sensitive subject matter.I have to agree,my marriage qualified.I tried reading help books,diff.positions,lingerie,role-playing,trying pick good time,doing things to make him more relaxed,counseling secular and non-secular.My end result,he was meeting women off internet from Myspace.I was sent an email from a mutual woman friend(married to his friend).Then, did investigating on my own,wal-la there were thousands of dirty emails with meeting times...

I lost interest in sex for about three years when I took birth control pills. Once I went off of them to get rid of migraines, my sex drive came back with a flourish, although I hadn't exactly know what was wrong until it was right again.

I would guess that overall, men are the ones who struggle the most with wanting more sex, and feel like their wives don't desire sex. I wonder how many of these issues are hormonally-related and would be resolved if women went off hormone-related birth control. (I don't recommend condoms either--they exacerbate a condition called interstitial cystitis.) Rhythm method, baby!

Wow, I certainly enjoyed the last 20 minutes of reading all 111 replies to this thread. I have to comment even though everyone is probably done with this topic because I am absolutely sure I am the patron saint of the sexless marriage. Michelle Weiner-Davis's wrote an excellent book with this title, and I highly recommend it. One of her points is that there is ALWAYS one partner who wants more sex the other in EVERY marriage, and IT'S NOT ALWAYS THE MAN! The one who wants less has a greater balance of power in the relationship, and that can become manipulative in all sorts of ways. This was an eye-opener for me. Of course, all the stuff mentioned about intimacy and emotional connection is definitely important, too, but the nuts and bolts of keeping a marriage together does sometimes require that a partner who is less enthusiastic about sex work on adjusting their attitude to please their partner and get past their awkwardness to "feel sexy" for the sake of the marriage, even when it doesn't come easy or naturally to them. It's compromise, just like a dozen other areas of a relationship.

Book sounds interesting. But I have to say, all the while my drive was gone, I still felt amorous, sexy, hot. Always came natural, never awkward. But something kept me away. Something. Medical tests, therapy... couldn't figure it out. In my situation, it was as simple as how could he even expect me to love him, when he hated himself. And made correlating choices. Completely different book.

My ex never held my hand, never gave me a hug or a kiss on the cheek. All he wanted was sex. He made me feel cheap.Does that make sense? He made me feel like the act was just that, an act that I had better perform. I felt like I was around to bring in an extra income, cook, clean, and put out. It was never, looking back now, as if he made love because he loved me, but to get his jollies.

He hid his money from me. Refused to invest in making our house a home. He encouraged my girls to disrespect me, he was a filthy pig who wouldn't do the slightest thing to clean after himself. So, after the girls moved out, I moved to my own room for over ten years.

He gave me no physical contact, no affection, and after a while it was a matter of the last shred of dignity I could save. There was no respect on any level for me, and after a while I lost a lot of respect for the way he was too.

Happily for me, I don't miss the act of sex or the affection I once craved. I suppose that puts me into a category of crazy that no one would be able to understand.

My thoughts on sex . It is not just a physical thing that a man needs to release. It should be like the opening of a flower not like the Wednesday's night ritual. It should be 1. loving 2. sharing 3. Unselfish 4.Fun 5. Touching 6. enjoyable to both.

I have been wondering what to say to this one. But I cannot think of anything better to say that what Frank said.

I think for men, we derive intimacy through sex. for women, not so much.

Its a very hard balance.

Sorry, I did not read through all of the responses.

Sometimes us girls are busy working (a demanding job) maintaining the household, homework, laundry, friendships with some people, being a daughter to a sick mother and father.

Please excuse me if I'm not in the mood for sex (my sorry excuse of a husband) who gives himself permission to cheat (at the time.)

(just sayin)

Oh, yes, all the while keeping up with looking good. This is why I, took down my picture, you can still be pretty and your H betray you because of lack of "sex." Whatever, it goes deeper than that. A cheater will cheat no matter how beautiful you are. A cheater will cheat no matter the contribution you bring to the marriage.

Lisa, your words helped me as I harbor a great deal of guilt regarding this issue.

Do you guys ever listen to Dr. Laura? I listened to her almost daily driving home and she always said for women to just put out and enjoy it. I could have put out, but I never enjoyed it. When she made that comment on several occasions, it always made me feel sick. Sad, but true. If I said anything about the situation to the dumb ass, he always took it the wrong way. Ego got in the way I suppose. Too many negative factors killed any desire I might have ever had, physically, mentally, emotionally.