man, walked away for a bit - this is deep....truly learned a lot here...scary how little lessons are intertwined in other's experiences....

and BTW - Rman, ofcourse you can post serious threads...just bugging you - great to see you making such strides in your healing and in facing these serious issues....

great points all....

trying to imagine having no libido... yes, if a woman loved her husband, sex should be happening to please him. We all should be doing things, in and outside of the bedroom, purely to make someone else happy....that is how relationships stay healthy. My grandma has a saying (in Italian) that goes "relationships can't be take, take, take". Nonna knows what's up.

I believe that in a relationship, issues just pile on top of one another, until they become too much to handle. Perhaps her lack of drive had more to do with all the little things that piled up in the relationship. All the arguments about sex, all the fighting, all the needs not being met, until finally there becomes this barrier that is impenetrable (no pun intended).

maybe. I think that can happen sometimes for sure. I have also had girlfriends tell me they were withholding sex on purpose or they were so angry he wasn't going to get any. I have also had friends tell me the Pill kills their sex drive or they have no sex drive and don't know why... There are many possibilities.

I agree. There are so many factors in loss of libido. That's why I think that for a woman to say that she gave sex/withheld sex for "things" or to get things done, etc. isn't the entire picture. Really, that is like saying that they wanted to have sex, but shot themself in the foot, depriving themselves as well.

If the drive is not there, there are reasons and breaks in the connection of the marriage that have nothing to do with sex. But to make sex an obligation, or, better yet, if it becomes an obligation, the lack of it is a result of something bigger, even more intimate.

I loved my husband. Should I have gone against whatever it was in my heart that was keeping me away from him, just to please him? I couldn't. Physically, mentally, I couldn't. I would cry. What about me? Where's my resolution? My resolution/needs being met are just as important. Mine were not. But I was the dysfunctional one. There was something wrong with me. Sorry, I am not bearing that burden alone.

There are all different scenarios. None of us can say that lack of sex is solely "witholding" it. There are so many factors.

I guess the bottom line is we all need sex lol.

What's going on with this sex thread?

I was married that had sex with me 22 times in 5 years...YES! I COUNTED! He told me that his way of 'controlling' me and punishing me. So, I was killed silently...I was a passionate woman. The last two years....not even a hug. TADA!

SEX KILLS.

ZXJ I can probably beat you on that one and I still believed he loved me how stupid am I. I agree with the whole its not all about the sex thing but in order to have a healthy life you need the sex and everything else that goes along with it...as I am writing this I am thing god how stupid am I...

I agree with so many threads here..I attribute my lack of sex after the kids as the downfall of our marriage. That I do take as my fault. Things just took over..the fact that I was tired, low to zero libido (and went to the dr for it too), the fact that there was no communication or intimacy on either of our parts, so many factors. He told me aunt that he could know when our kids were conceived b/c it was contrived and regulated by my ovulation cycle. That hurt. The fact is he should have sat down with me...he made a point of wanting to be out without me more so inside I was angry...I was angry about a lot and probably did withhold..all I wanted was a little help around here...to feel validated as a mom and stay at home wife and I never got that...I always felt inferior to him. So yes, our marriage was very sexless...well now he's found someone that will give it to him and then some..hope he is truly happy. Now I'm the one need IT!

I disagree with the notion that one should have sex to make his/her partner happy even if the person doesn't want to. You can't compare something like that to painting a house. That's an act of service. Sex is an act of intimacy and involves a sense of violation that should only be surrendured willingly, not out of a sense of obligation.

Spouses do things to make their partners happy. Sex should not be one of them. You either want to do it or you don't.

How awful would it be if a woman gave up her body to appease her husband's desire for sex and afterward said, "You done?" then wiped herself off and went back to watching Jay Leno or something? I don't need that kind of sex. I'll get better sex than that all by myself, thank you very much.

Frank is right. I think that kind of sex would make a man (or woman) feel worse. Like I said I didn't feel like he wanted me any other time except when he wanted IT. He never said I looked nice or sexy or any of the stuff he says to his whore (to keep her happy). Then again after 19 years together, you just become "old meat". I look at all these responses and it is VERY enlightening and informative. IF I have another relationship things will be very different. A lot has opened my eyes. Thanks Frank, Rman, and so many others.

Frank remind me not to go out with you if I want to get laid.

I totally agree with you Frank...perhaps I didnt articulate myself as well as I should have. I totally believe it should be a shared happy fantastic thing I dont think anyone should have sex if they dont want to...all I am saying is that if he wants it and the other is willing to do so willingly and happily or the other way around go for it. Christ I had the opposite problem in most marriages my husband very seldom wanted sex and rejected me almost every time. I am actually surprised we did manage to have two kids when I think about it. I also dont think its the only way to make your spouse happy trust me I have tried them all.
Sorry Frank...as with many people here I am not thinking (and writing) straight these days.

Sex is but a mere extension of a couple's love. It is not to manipulate. It is not for bargaining. It is not for punishing. It is not one sided. It is not a weapon. I got robbed. I will not accept what I went through again.

AND IF MY EX IS READING THIS....*FINGER*....SCREW YOU!

I am beginning to think that mine was the most self absorbed person in the entire world but maybe not seeing all the other notes. Maybe all these self absorbed people should get together so they can fuck up each others lives.