We had sex, and often ... until I kept thinking about that first secret cell phone I discovered. I finally had enough. I guess it's sexless now (at least almost ... in 3 more months, that is).

Can't even imagine what some people have gone through with a sexless marriage. But don't think it was really any better for those of us who had very active sex lives with no emotional intimacy.

See! Another case of infidelity ruining the sex and the entire marriage!

Can I have a hug now?

Sure I think it can be physical, emotion aside. But if the sex in a marriage is missing an emotional connection, well, which would you prefer, a sexless or emotionless marriage? Either way, it's a downward spiral.

For me, in a marriage, as important as sex is, there are so many, many things aside from the sex, that determine how fulfilling the sex is. In fact, without them, well, there's the sexless marriage.

Women work that way... emotional connection leads to sex. Men may need the sex to develop the emotional connection. It is in balancing the needs that allows for great intimacy, knowing that getting your needs met is directly contingent upon whether or not your partner's needs are met. Might be a tough act, seem like so much work, when in reality, if people are honest, if people are themselves and have a sense of self, it may just fall into place. We all get in our own way.

Amen, Zen. Exactly. There has to be a balance.

it sucks to be turned down sexually. it also sucks to be asked for sex when they are not putting effort into any other part of the relationship.

that's all i'm saying.

I am learning a great deal from the responses in this thread. Something that stands out is that it is like a catch 22 when it comes to sex vs. an emotional bond between men and women. So if a guy needs sex to develop an emotional connection and a woman needs an emotional connection to have sex, then how the hell can it work?

well, the guy would have to do everything right first and be patient or the woman would have to have sex first while hating his actions... and hope that things improve outside of the bedroom. Not sure which is more likely to happen!! ha!

It sounds to me like the guy loses out. The woman won't have sex with him unless he develops an emotional connection with her. So, he has to fake an emotional connection in order to have sex, right? He is faking the emotional connection because he can't actually have an emotional connection, until he has sex first...

I think small steps in each department allow it to just happen. Then you have a chain reaction.

Look at the beginning of a relationship (assuming it is one that will lead to marriage). The man may be very emotionally attentive. It's the beginning. The woman may be more sexually attracted and uninhibited, it's the beginning, and after all, he is emotionally attentive and so far our paths are free of bumps. Then it tends to develop on its own.

Now throw marriage into the mix. We allow the meeting of our partner's needs to become a responsibility, versus a desire. Then it breaks down, further and further and further. And then it is very easy for one to say, "well, if she just did this (met my needs)" and the other can say the same, no one is getting anywhere. Or anything.

I think people have to look at what they as an individual could have done differently, versus what the other should have done differently to make any progress and find any answers. Very often, the answer to that is to just listen.

Wait...

You just said "It sounds to me like the guy loses out."

So in essence, you are putting a higher value on sex, versus intimacy (emotion)?

I am asking... I ask because I had no emotional connection. He had no sexual connection. He lost? That confuses me. You can get sex anywhere. Where are you getting intimacy/emotion that freely?

If a husband treats his wife with honor and respect, he will not have to ask her or beg her for sex. In many cases, me still have the caveman mentality when it comes to the sexual relationship between man and woman. Men are stimulated by what they see. Women are stimulated by what they feel inside. If a man is gentle, kind, compassionate to his wife, one who allows her to be herself and accepts her as she is, will have no problem with her wanting to be intimate with him.
Too many men are "wham Bam, thank you Maam " types and don't try to meet the emotional needs of their wives. When that happens, then things start going down hill and ends in disaster.

In most cases, when a man treats a woman with love and respect, the sex will just happen naturally. But, it is not always that black and white. Sometimes there is a grey area in between. What about when a woman uses sex to get what she wants? What if treating a woman with love and respect is not enough? What if one partner just doesn't want or need sex at all?

Why would the woman use sex to get what she wants if her husband was taking care of her needs to begin with? If it's something else, then maybe there's a communication break down.