I don't need an emotional connection with a guy to have sex. Sex is a physical need that we all have. Is it much better when there is an emotional connection, yes. Does it mean that I haven't had sex just for sexes sake, no. Sex was one of the issues I was trying to fix in my marraige. He said I didn't want it often enough, I said he wanted it too much. When we actually started talknig about the whys of it, he realized he wasn't meeting my emotional needs so I wasn't in turn meeting his sexual needs. He didn't try to meet my emotional needs, but I did try to meet his sexual needs. I just shut off my need for an emotional bond with him and made it purely physical. By the time our sex life started to suffer, we both knew how things would end. I knew I had months of no sex to look forward to, so yeah I shut off the emotional switch. Do I feel like I was used bc of that, maybe, but I was getting my sexual needs met too so....Was it wrong, I don't know. At this point, I am trying to figure out how to turn that emotional switch back on. Sex is purely a need to meet for me right now. I don't want it to be that way forever. Wow Rman, you have been really deep lately!

My wife used to ask for things such as new furniture for the living room, new carpeting and a new house during the moments leading up to intimacy. We would literally have all of our clothes off and seconds from being intimate when she would ask for these things...

Using sex to get things is just wrong on so many levels! I'm sorry she used sex against you in that way. That is not a healthy way to get what you want or need in a relationship.

Okay, rman. I used to get my STBXH to do chores around the house with sex, but never asked for material things. Maybe I'm no better than her, or maybe he was a fucking lazy ass bum who expected me to do everything.

IDK, but it sounds like you guys had communication and compromising issues regarding money and material things. Maybe she was just a materialistic cunt. Only God knows.

Not so sure, Rman. I never used sex to "get what I want" but I am sure it happens. And if one partner just does not want sex or need it, and you know there are no underlying mental or biological issues, well, that's just their level of sexuality.

But, I think when a marriage deteriorates, it is not fair and also an injustice to blame the failing sexual part of the relationship more than the intimate/emotional part. They go hand-in-hand and one cannot exist without the other, in a healthy marriage.

that is the most awful thing ever, Rman. I don't think sex should ever be used to get anything you want. Jesus. That is gross behavior.

My SIL called me yesterday and told me that stbx told her I cut him off sexually... ha ha ha. He forgot to mention he rejected me for four months straight. I seriously thought he might be gay. then he started going out all night, so I had no idea if he was sleeping with other people. I didn't want an STD, so yeah, at that point I said no sex. If you hear around town that I'm an ice queen, you heard it here first.

So am I awful for exchanging sex for getting my STBX to do stuff around the house?

uh.....it's not fair. It's using sex as a reward, when it should never be a punishment or reward IMO.

It is used all the time to get what you want.

Is it a reward when I had to give it up before he would do anything around the house?

those two things shouldn't have been connected. They have nothing to do with each other. If you were upset about his laziness, that should have been addressed by talking about it. If he didn't change and it was a big issue, then counseling...whatever...but it should have nothing to do with sex.

Sex in exchange for things in using sex as a reward. Withholding is using sex as punishment, unless you fear diseases, because you know or suspect they are cheating, or you are being abused, etc...(i.e. there is a good reason to withhold). It is unhealthy.

I think the whole sex/reward thing is a gray area. Technically, you could say that Rman's statement...

"Why is is so hard for the uninterested partner to understand that all they needed to do, was make more of an effort to please their partner sexually?"

... is making the emotional connection for the woman, a reward, if she sleeps with the man.

I could even say that I was more sexually inclined if things were done around the house. To say that I woke up and made a conscious decision to give a good one and get the lawn mowed is not the case. It was a turn on for my man to take care of his own. Maybe that gets misconstrued.

It's hard to want to have sex with someone that you hate. My ex did so many inexcusable things that the last thing I wanted to do was to have sex with him.

I think part of making a relationship work, means sacrificing certain things to please your partner. If a woman has no drive or libido, yet she loves her husband, then shouldn't she make the effort to please him in a sexual way? I hate painting the house, but I can't tell you how many times I painted the freaking house just to make my wife happy.

i thought that statement of rman's just meant sex was important in a relationship, among other things.. sometimes people forget that. I think what his wife did was horrid and could only make someone feel worthless and used (for money). Can you imagine someone asking you for material things in order to please you sexually? That would not only be a huge turn off, but it would crush your self-esteem... it's mean.

Talking about being 'more inclined' sexually if helpful things are done is NOT the same as making deals with sex as a pawn.