Because it's rarely just about the sex. Yes, sometimes a lack of sex is due to medical conditions or just incompatible sex drives. But more often, a lack of sex is due to a lack of intimacy, which is a much, much greater problem and harder to solve.

If there was more sex then it would be a happy'er life.

Well, it depends on why the partner is no longer willing to "perform." In my case, it was due to the lies and emotional abuse (you don't call your wife obese and then expect her to have sex with you).

But if it were a happier life, there would be more sex.

The focus on sex is misplaced, I think. More often than not, the sex life suffers because there are other things suffering in the marriage. The sex will take care of itself once those underlying issues are worked out, but you can't gloss over and ignore those issues in favor of a good sex life. The latter can't happen without resolving the former.

Frank is right. In my case, the lack of sex wasn't about sex. It was a combination of lack of communication, a lack of any sense of self-worth (on his part), and a growing sense of inadequacy on mine (which he not only established, but cultivated).

Frank - you are right, it is rarely about the sex. When I no longer felt the intimacy I thought should be in a marriage, I stopped wanting my husband. I really don't think he is capable of those emotions anymore.

Missing the sex, though!

Lynne

Ohhhh great question.

IMHO, because it had nothing to do with sex, for the uninterested partner. The uninterested partner's emotional connection to the interested partner was somehow was cut off at the knees along the way. So the revived sex may fix it for the interested partner... the uninterested partner is left broken, still emotionally cut off and in fact, in worse shape. In pretty bad shape, actually.

Greats sex in a marriage has everything to do with everything that each of you do together, and apart, outside if the bedroom.

But that's just me.

For my husband, I think it was all about the sex. I can remember him coming home from supposedly talking to our pastor about all he had done and the main tidbit of information he tells me is that our pastor said we should still be having relations to keep our marriage together. I think the point was sorely missed there.

I agree with Frank. In my experience it was due to lack of emotion, affection and communication. There was no real connection anymore so of course the intrest in sex was gone.

Veeachjay - I can relate; my husband seemed to be all about the sex too he might have thought that it would save us. Even when the relationship was done he still tried and if i didn't want to he would get extremely pissed off.

I was Tired. He got angry and went to the bar. Then came home and asked for sex. I ended up more tired. He came home less. He asked for it Very, Very angry.

Let's say his name was John (it isn't). He asked for sex by asking for "John time." That's it. No romance, no affection, just angry at me for being tired. He'd literally ask for "John time." and walk out the door if I said no, and go to the bar.

Things went downhill.

"That they think it might 'save' the marriage."

Rman, you even mention it "....that all they needed to do, was make more of an effort to please their partner sexually..."

My X adopted the same assumption. I realize it was honest, simple. But I believe to some degree I actually resented him for feeling that the sex would 'fix' this.

I wanted to scream... "Don't you hear me? This isn't about sex for me. Something is very very wrong. I lost my husband years ago. How do you expect me to sleep with a stranger?"

Sex became our only connection. I thought if we were having sex we were connected to each other. To him it was just about the sex. How can something so wonderful and connecting for two people become just an act?.

What happens in the bedroom has everything to do with what is happening outside the bedroom.

When people are dating, they understand that other activities are involved in keeping the the relationship alive. Once they are married, some people think they can ignore their spouse or say whatever cruel comments pop into their head. Those types of behaviors destroy love and desire.

The lack of sex is more of a symptom than a cause.

I lived in a sexless marriage for years. It was demoralizing. My ex was the one who would turn me down for weeks and then every once in a while, he'd want sex and if I was say, tired, sick, frustrated with him... then the lack of sex in our lives was all my fault.

It kicked my ass emotionally. It was truly a symptom of a deeper disconnect. Not that he'd agree to anything that might possibly help us.

I am so much better off without him.