I happen to love twinkies lol... but have been dieting for 10 months now, I am down 55 pounds too!...

Anyway, i see what your saying, i think its kinda what is already happening, I mean while the kids are up and with us we are all together, when they kids go to sleep, we take turns putting my daughter to bed, she wont unless one of us lays with her. But after that we basically go our own way in the house.

What i do for her though are things like yesterday... She was pretty sick, I ran to CVS to get her some meds and bought stuff to make her favorite soup... Let her nap while I watched the kids and made the soup for her. She didn't ask me to do any of that, but I did it because its what id normally do, take care of my famiy... She doesn't really ask me to do anything, other then the occasionaly, hey can you grab me a water from the fridge if im standing in the kitchen...

Then there's the future things, Like surgery in March, she wants me to be there with her, she will be under anasthesia and out of it, and aftewards be in a good amount of pain... She asked if I could take off work with her and help her... I said yes... is that being used by her? She could have asked her mom too, but she asked me.. and ive always been there for her for things like that. so it seems natural to me to do it and help and support her.

Congratulations on the weight loss - that's not easy and 55 lbs is quite an accomplishment!
"She was pretty sick, I ran to CVS to get her some meds and bought stuff to make her favorite soup... Let her nap while I watched the kids and made the soup for her. She didn't ask me to do any of that, but I did it because its what id normally do, take care of my famiy."
Do you have any idea how many women would kill to have a husband who does that without being asked? I know there are men out there that do things like that but there are a lot of men out there that don't think that way, too. You completely undervalue yourself.
No, she doesn't have to ask you to do those things because you just do them.
She said she wanted a separation - what would she have done yesterday if you were moved out and she were on her own? That's a perfect opportunity of be careful what you ask for because you just might get it. I know it sounds cold but again, she has a husband, you don't have a wife.
The surgery thing...I don't know if that's being used by her or not. That is a tough one and there's really no clear answer there.
I would strongly encourage you to quietly and calmly confront her about her having the benefit of a husband but you not having the benefit of a wife. I would do it at a counseling session and the calmer you can be about it, the more impact it will have. You also need to own it by saying "I don't feel like I have the benefit of a wife who's my partner but still feel as though I'm providing the benefits of a husband and partner." Use "I" and not "you" so that it's your feelings and not an accusation. She can't argue with how you feel and I think doing it in front of the counselor is best. The counselor may be able to take that and go with it so hopefully you two can work through some of that and make things better for you.
I still encourage you to limit your conversation with her, keep your distance and stop doing things for her. Ask yourself if this is going to benefit you and get you where you want to be in the long run.
Remember...the person who cares the least has the most power and right now you have no power.

Your right.. I have to bring this up and delicately... not sure im ready to, i need to really collect my thoughts and say it correctly. I dont want it to make things worse or push her away by saying it wrong. I know how good of a person i am, I know im a great husband and father. She knows it too, she has said several times, im a great husband great father.. she even a few months ago made a comment saying, " your next wife will think im crazy for letting you go, ill probably be jealous of her" I responded by saying... my next wife? Your my wife, there wont be another. So she says, she cares deeply about me, has a lot of love for me, im a great husband and father... so whats the problem? I just dont get it.

Next question for the group... Our Anniversary is next weekend, and then followed the weekend after by valentines day... Do I get anything at all? Just a card? a gift? small, big? Keep in mind im still trying to remain hopefull this turns around, however doubtful it may seem, I still have to hope for now...

Hmmm...this is my opinion and counts for absolutely nothing. I would try to address the issue of not having a wife before I made any decisions about the anniversary or Valentine's Day. Have you always done something for V-Day in the past? If not then I wouldn't do anything this year.
What do you mean you need to collect your thought? I provided a script!!! lol I'm just kidding...I have a sarcastic sense of humor.
When bringing it up, doing it in front of the counselor and doing as an expression of your feelings is key. Being calm and matter-of-fact will have the greatest impact. If you do it an angry or hurt manner it will put her on the defensive. I wouldn't overthink it but do write down very specific, factual things that make you feel that way. And own it...make sure you speak in "I" or "me" terms not "you." If you do it in terms of "When you..." it can feel accusatory to the other person and make them less receptive.
Again, as a single person, she's not going to get anniversary or Valentine's Day presents. Last year I got a dozen roses, this year I'll get nothing but some really ugly woman will probably get flowers. Sorry...don't mean to sound arrogant and petty but sometimes I like stressing how ugly she is lol. I'm human after all. :)

Therapy last night was ok. But still left wondering. She brought up new stuff. Now says she started to loose the feeling of passion when she was pregnant with our first child. Thinks I wouldn't have sex with her while pregnant which I'm not sure why. We did. Just not as often. Partly because she wasn't feeling well at times and partly because I felt off with child in there. Yes I know stupid but it was our first and I didn't want to harm it. She says she asked me for a long time to pay more attention to her during sex. Apparently I stopped making her feel good and she viewed it as it was always about me. I feel terrible that she feels that way. I didn't know she wasn't feelg good. If I she told me then I would have done more. The therapist asked her what she wants to do here. He said he can recommend a sex therapist or a communication therapist. Or a therapist that can help seperate us or stay with him to stay together. Said to hear that she listed several great things in our marriage is she really willing to give up because of 1 issue that can be worked on. Her response was that she needed to process it all. He said that's ok and we will meet again next week. This morning I made a mistake. I came up stairs and she was naked in our room. She saw me and closed the door in my face. I waited a min then walked in and said I don't know what the big deal is. I've seen every inch of you for 10 years. I left to shower and realized I shouldn't have said anything. I got out and went to her again and said I'm sorry. That was insensitive of me. She was already mad and was short with me. I let it go and gave her space. She left for work saying good bye to me and walked out. . She is sleeping at her moms tonight so I probably won't talk to her much today if at all.

So the last 24 hours or so have been difficult... After our wed therapy we talked a bit and she sounds conflicted, which would be better then adimant about divorce. I called our marriage counsler yesterday and said im not sure if this is appropriate or not if not ill hang up... but I said im sure you can tell i really want to save this marriage and work on it and she seems to be conflicted... He said yes he see's it too and that her being conflicted is a good thing. He said just be patient and keep doing what your doing...

So she left yesterday morning for work and to sleep at her moms, We didnt speak really all day, she was sick so i emailed her asking how she was feeling around noon, she responded... around 4 pm i texted her asking how her day was, and i got no response. Around 10pm i texted her again saying good night, she responded 30-45 min later saying good night back, I asked her if she could talk, she said she was tired going to bed and didnt want to talk, I said I didn't want to talk about us, had a few other things to chat about but it was ok we could talk tomorrow.

This morning I texted her again saying, Good Morning hope you have a good day... no response. Now ive been having issues with my new phone the last few days so I wasn't sure if she is even getting my texts... So I emailed her this morning saying that, she responded with a screen shot saying I think im getting them all and I hope you have a good day too...

I didn't respond.. but it seems she is being colder then usual yesterday and this morning. Its like one day she is nice caring and conflicted, and others she is cold distant and I don't even know.. conflicted still?

Ive held my emotions back, i only cry when alone now, Its the hardest thing I have ever had to do... I dont understand myself anymore, How can I feel so strongly for someone that doesn't feel the same? Why can't i get angry and move on? Why am I foolishly still doing and being there for her? Why am I being a husband when I dont have a wife? I feel horrible even just being with my kids alone, I look at them and think of my wife... They are here because of her, they have her features and her smile... How will I ever look at them without thinking of her... I m very affraid that even my relationship with them will change because i am not strong enough to look past her. Im not suicidel but I think how can I live without her... When will this pain stop, how can I make it stop?

You can't make it stop but you're making it harder on yourself by continuing to contact her. When she doesn't respond or you don't get the response you're hoping for, you're hurt.
I see her going to her mom's as her trying to get some space which you're not giving her by continuing to contact her.
Unless it involves the kids, you don't need to contact her right now.
You keep asking for help but you're not willing to help yourself. All you can think about is what YOU want right now, in the moment. Maybe she wants separation because you don't respect her wishes or her space? That's what I'm seeing right now. You talk like everything you do is for her and your family but clearly that's not the case. The things you are doing are for you. She's setting boundaries and you're not respecting them.

My other thought is how can you expect her to respect you and your wishes when you don't respect yourself enough to set boundaries and stick to them? You can't ask of others what you're not willing to do yourself.

Well thats whats odd for me here... I try to respect her space, but she reaches out to me at times too... and asks me to be involved with things. Like this weekend she is having a 31 bag party at the house, she sat and talked to me about menu, and involved me with it. The surgery in march, she wants me to be there with her to support her and take care of her? This week we had a big snow storm the night i was supposed to sleep out, she said stay home it will be safer... So she asks for seperation but still wants me for things? So its hard at times to give space while i get mixed signals... she comes to me and hugs me at times too... Cooks dinner and asks me taste it, putting a piece of food in my mouth withher fingers... I mean some of these sound silly, but they dont all sound like seperation... She asked me 2 weeks ago to meet her at her office to show it to me.. again has nothing do with kids and her asking me to do it. Maybe im wrong but these are little signs of wanting me around and wanting to share with me... She said this week, she wants to be a family... I said so do i, we want the same things, but a divorce wont be a family. She says why can't it be? I said because thats just not how it works, I said in a year 2 years maybe 10 if i ever get over you i may be with someone else, we aren't going to all go on a big family vacation... Again she said why can't we? Am i crazy here?

So to me you are basically terrified if you stop doing all these things for her that you will lose her forever. The part I read about her getting mad because she was nude with the door open and slammed it in your face. Why would she be mad at you for accidently seeing her because she left the door open for anyone to see her? My question to you is this. You are terrified she is going to leave forever if you stop doing things for her but you have to ask yourself "is she really there for you?". I like to think I understand your position very well because living with each other while seperating is excruciating and kids have a very hard time with it. But the thing Im concerned about concerning you is the fact that you are not taking care of your needs. Do you understand that if you do not take care of your needs you will crash and burn and no longer be useful to anyone. Its time to take care of you. It doesnt make you selfish, a bad husband or a bad father. It makes you human. Please do not allow yourself to crash and burn just for someone whose emotions have no real warmth for you. I think a lot of justl want you to have some happiness back in your life. I know its terrifying not knowing when its going to be over but if she is going tobe your only wife then she needs to take the role. Many hugs to you and for her struggle as well but to me she is not being supportive to you and despite married or not married she should at least be returning the gesture. Take care of yourself. Many Hugs

So we had a talk last night about how we had kids and took us for granted. She agreed and wished we thought of this before we made things worse. I said there is no reason why we can't use this to build from and be stronger. I said the past is the past and I forgove you. She said that's just it shebis holding on to resentment and can't let it go right now. I said. I miss you and your standing right in front of me. She said well I don't miss you. I said well that's because you still have a husband in still doing for you and the kids. She said well maybe that's the problem. I should take more time for myself. At that point I said fine and was upset. She went to put our daughter to bed and I left. I texted her saying I'll be back later. She wrote back. Ok. I'm sorry. I didn't respond. This morning and all this afternoon things are like nothing happend. Of course I am being a husband again by watching the kids so she can have a 31 bag party at the house. I want to say no and just go out. I'm so weak and can't get myself to do it ;(

But you took the first step. It counts for something right :-)

Now all thats left is for you to get her to release the resentment. Neither of you cheated so what is the resentment. Have you asked her terms on releasing it. Because it is very hard to let it go and personally the reason its so hard to let it go is because someone is waiting for this grand gesture to make it all right when A. It doesnt work B. Shes going to do it on her terms so maybe you should ask what they really are because this sounds like a cat and mouse game holding your feet to the flames. So my question is "what are your terms?". As long as she has this resentment....what are your terms for her. How about you switch the roles for a few nights and give her some of your own terms. One starting term...."if you dont want to be seen nude dont leave the door open". "I cant control if i feel like a husband and enjoy seeing your body"..you have needs to and..verbalize it in a way she can make sense of and feel the warmth of your admiration at the same time kind of thing. Its just an idea and you obviously feel this way right. Decide what your terms are and take back control of the situation. If your kids are asleep by all means let her see you in your birthday suit. Good luck.

Sorry if i overstepped but your marriage sounds very salvageable and I guess I want it to work for you.