I appreciate and respect the advice, but i can tell you with certainty there is nobody else, atleast right now. We have 2 young kids a 3yr old and a 2 yr old, she would not and has not have someone else in the house, my 3yr old would mention it anyway. But besides that, this ordeal has been 3 weeks to the day now, and ive been home with her more then I haven't been out. Her making it clear for me to stay out sunday and monday is more about her wanting a seperation and me respecting it for now. She wants it to be fair for the kids, i stay out a few nights and she stays at her moms a few nights. So far every weekend we have both been home fri and sat nights, and last sunday too. I know there is nobody else, to be honest, the other "man" right now is her Job. She is fully invested in her job, she loves it and it fullfills her, part of this issue is she felt i didn't support her and her efforts with this job. I did in many ways, but i also wasn't pleased with it consuming her to the point of being more important then me and even the kids at times. I dont check her phone, but its laying around enough that i can see at times when text messages come in and see who they are from and its never been anyone i dont know. I know this may sounds niave of me to some, but i am very very confident there is nobody else right now.

Additionally, getting a person to move out of the house, is the easiest way for the other person to gain a status Quo custody as no Judge will want to disrupt a steady situation with the kids.

One advice I was lucky to receive from the start thru research, was that no matter what happens....DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME, and always carry around a tape recorder. I have since advised a lot of people to at least sleep in the garage if you have to in order to make sure you see your kids daily, and don't lose custody.

My ex harped on about it at the time i.e. "why don't you move out then", to which I just ignored her. I slept in the guest bedroom for months and finally she moved out, but not after conforming to my week on / week off proposals as I was going to call the cops / child services if she just took our son and left the matrimonial home.

My son is 2 and a bit to young to really say much, but he has seen me upset and has asked whats wrong daddy... I try for the most part to not be upset around them, but usually when i have to leave them it gets to me. My daughter has asked me wheres your ring daddy, and i usually say im cleaning it. She has also said by daddy i miss you, and has said, Mommy is going to mima's and im going to say good bye to daddy. I dont think she fully understands, but knows its not the same. Her reasons are a bit all over the map... She has mentioned she doesn't feel supported in her new job and not respected.. she says her feelings have changed for me, but doesn't know why... She has said she is affraid to just stay together and be unhappy the rest of our life, ( linking our marriage to her parents who divorced after 30 years recently ) in therapy she mentioned a few stupid thinks, that she even admitted were stupid, and the therapist said those are silly things, but she said she can't see past them, its alot of silly things. That we aren't on the same page, but thats mostly because she wants seperation and I dont... in my opinion so far all the things she mentioned are either not an issue today, or things that can easily be worked on if she communicated better with me.. she has held alot in over the years, Like candy crush???? I played it over 2 years ago, apparently she felt i played it to much, but she used to sit right next to me and play too! we even would send each other lives etc... She mentions it now as it was an issue for her? Going to divorce me because of candy crush? that i haven't' played in years?? There may be larger issues that she hasn't spoke about, but thats part of the problem, if something i did or didn't do upset her she should have told me immediatly and i would have corrected it immediatly. Supporting her and her new job? I took on a ton more at the house so she could focus more on her new job... even today while seperated she asked me if i could give her a hand with something for her job and I did, something ive done a few times since she was at this new job... how is none of this support? So it leaves me a bit confused, I suspect she is a bit confused too and really stuck on her parents divorce and thinking because we were in a bit of a bad place the last few months that it means the rest of our lives will be unhappy. But again there very well may be other issues im not fully aware of so I can't really say for sure whats wrong at this point. All i know is this whole thing is killing me, and i miss her dearly, i pray she will open her eyes soon and let us begin to heal together, not apart.

It sounds like she is starting from the point of having made a decision, and working backward to rationalize it (all those silly things). She may or may not consciously know what the real reason is (related to that divorce, mid-life, something else she isn't sharing...).

For your peace of mind, you may need to accept that it is NOT in your control. You can only control you, and you can't make her love you, see the light, or anything else.

I know it hurts like hell. I'm in that same place of pain and missing her and wishing she would take me back. It hurts every day right now, but I'm also starting to turn a corner - not emotionally, but at least intellectually - and I can see that this may be best. I can look objectively as if I were advising someone else, and I would not advise that they put up with what I did, nor grovel and try over and over to be "perfect" when the criteria keep changing and/or are undefined as in your case.

Know you are not alone, and I wish the best for you, whatever that may be. It may or may not be what you want right now.

Wow...this is all too familiar (almost deja vu). I'm sorry but I feel you are going to be on the emotional roller coaster for a while longer. I still am after 8 months. It's leveling out a bit, but still ups and downs. I can only talk from my experience and by no way am I saying this is your situation, but I was convinced that there was no other man. I found out that there was and had been for some time. That was a kick in the nuts. However, I still thought it was unbelievable that this could be happening. I did everything I could and ended up giving up...for my own sanity. I couldn't not make someone want me...unfortunately it was my wife of 18 years.

Be careful, get sleep, eat, and remember to breath. Whether you like it or not, you are in this situation. I finally had to accept what was happening. It hurts...hurts a lot. This has been the worst pain that I ever experienced.

When I realized the inevitable I finally suggested that we separate, but I was not moving out. She wanted this, she wanted this other guy, then go live that life, but you can't live that life in this house. She was confused about that. She said that she assumed that I would move out. Then said that she would have to get an apartment in the same school area. I said why. She said that the kids would need to go to the same school. I said you're right, but they will stay in the same schools because they are staying in the house.

Good luck. You are not alone and keep us updated.

Whatthe321 wow we are living the same exact situation..my ex went and leased a 2 bedroom apartment so our daughter would have her own room lol. We split up 10 months ago she got her apartment 8 months ago and my daughter has spent the night there exactly zero times. She just turned 18 this month and has no interest joining her mother in her new fabulous life. Her home is her home, where her bedroom is, dogs, cat, etc etc. I was perplexed when she actually paid so much more for a 2 bedroom, I knew our daughter wasn't gonna stay with her. But she knew best lol.

Week 4 is starting... I slept home last night while she slept at her moms, It was nice to spend time with the kids, but i still felt empy inside. Going to sleep alone and waking up alone just plan hurts. We spoke yesterday a few times, she wants a minor elective surgery and I told her i support her if its what she really wants im on board. She wanted to take out a loan to do it on her own. She applied and got declined and was upset about it. She called me and told me, and again i told her, im onboard, if its really important to her lets make it happen. So today she is supposed to call me to call the bank together for the loan. I told her we have the money in our account, lets just pay for it, but she wants it to be her thing with a loan, even though ill probably end up cosigning. She also mentioned me taking off work the two days she has it done to be with her and kids to help, and for me to take her to get it done cause she wont be able to drive. This is being planned in march, so im a bit confused , usually talk about future things is good? im torn between do I turn cold and tell her no? One of her issues is claiming she doesn't feel supported by me with her new job... so im trying to be more supportive, not sure how i can be more supportive then i already have been without her talking to me about it, but im trying none the less. We have marriage counseling tonight and i already feel anxiety building... I have my head that one day she will look at me and say im sorry, i love you lets try... but as the days go on i realize its unlikely, atleast any time soon. I feel ive lost everything, my family, wife, house, stability, i dont know how im supposed to find any happiness like this.

@ESL...whatever you do, DO NOT COSIGN A LOAN with someone that is about to leave you. Wake up man and realize that all this is to make herself look good for her next move. Why on earth would you want to put your name on such a loan.

" so im a bit confused , usually talk about future things is good? im torn between do I turn cold and tell her no? "

You are damn right that is exactly what you should say..HELL NO! She is probably walking around telling her little friends that she has you by the nuts, and you are so desperate you will do anything she asks.

You have tried the Mr nice guy approach and it's not working. It's now time to try the Mr nasty..she is obviously one woman that likes a bad boy. I bet you get better result if you try something different, only then might she show you some respect.

Funny how she calls you when things go wrong, but doesn't have the decency to go out with you for a meal or play. You are being cuckhold (google it) here, and the sooner you wake up the better for your own good.

If you end up in divorce court, she is going to claim that loan was a gift, and will make sure she takes you to the cleaners with everything else.

Oh my goodness...I am starting to think you are pulling our collective legs here with your story

Given your current relationship status, I would not be entering into any new financial arrangements with everything up in the air. If it's elective surgery and not necessary, then fix the marriage first. If she pulls a " if you love me you will do this" then she is just playing games with you , trying to get all she can out of you.

logically you are all right, and i dont disagree... im struggeling with it because mr nasty is not who i am, and not who she married... I have moments when i feel im being walked on, and others when i feel she doesn't really want a divorce, just some time to clear her head and get us past the rough spot... but im not really sure. I talked to my therapist about some of this, and im advised to stay true to myself. I struggle with that though because being true to myself may lead me to being walked on. weather its with me or someone else i do want her to be happy, I want to be happy, but i believe id be happiest with her. I know right now this is new to me, and those feelings could change, but i still want this family whole. I still want my wife and i want her. She is civil, we talk about other things, not just when she needs help, she does my laundry, picks up the things I like when food shopping etc. We have spent days together with the kids having a good time.. I dont know.... I just dont know. It hurts to much to think clearly, and the thought of loosing her for ever makes me not want to live without her. I try to get angry, and i look at her and melt. Truth is she didn't do anything wrong, and niether did I... Its just a series of small things and miss communication, mixed in with her fear of ending up like her parents.. unhappy for 30 years and divorce. She is just shut down right now by fear and resentment. There was no abuse, no cheating, no big fights. I can't wrap my head around how she could want to throw everything away for things that are easily repairable... but the longer this goes on the more damage it creates and the harder it will be to ever repair. I need to let her go, I know this... but i can't, she is worth fighting for, how do I give up on everything i cherish? My wife, my kids, my family.....

You are clearly a nice person with a big heart... Maybe this isn't perfect advise but I know that it can be stressful to feel like your hurting someone and might make her feel like she needs to leave even more... Build your confidence up...one thing I know is that if you don't love yourself then it's hard to love someone else... be the best version of yourself for her and show her u care but your not gonna be a doormat, tell her straight up that u want her to talk to you directly instead of talking behind your back and ask her how she would feel if u did that.... Be respectful to her even though your mad, resntment will push u both away.... Be the best you

I really feel for you. This is so rough and it is messing with your head. You may not need to be mr. nasty, but you should not be "mr. i'm going to do whatever I can to save this" anymore. I'm going to assume the elective surgery is some cosmetic surgery. I would give a big NO on that one especially if it is so costly to incur a loan. I don't know your financial situation but my account/advisor advised me to keep liquid funds available because you don't know how this is going to play out (although she did ok me needing to get rid of my 2000 mini-van for something sportier). If she feels that you were not supportive, then fine, but it doesn't mean to show support you agree to this elective surgery...I'm calling BS on that. That is unnecessary cost given this situation and I think it is very selfish.

If you've read my responses, you know I was where you are now. I could not believe this was happening and how could she break up such a great family. I had to finally ask my therapist to help me accept this and how to move on. This website helped a lot as well (I wish I had discovered it sooner in the process but glad I found it).

I will continue to wish you all the luck in the world and try to support as much as I can. You are not alone!!! It's unfortunate that there are so many of us in this situation, but you are not alone.

There have been differing views on this but I'm a big proponent of using anger to get past this. I eventually just got so angry with her reluctance to work on it, her affair, her willingness to break up everything that I held dear and true. I used that energy to stay grounded. I didn't display it verbally or physically. I kept it inside. I didn't like it but it was a lot better than being sad and depressed.

@OP....there you have it. I mean co-signing on a boob job / lipo / ass job / etc you are not going to benefit from. The new look is to lay the foundation for her to bag that new guy at the new office, and before you know it....you are being served, and some guy moved into your home.

You've heard the different experiences on here, and it's up to you take from it what you think is right for you.

Oh....if you haven't come across the following site before, I urge you to sign up and read "The List"

http://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?t=13374

Thank you all... I do appreciate all the advice and support... I just can't get my head straight... I guess i need to work on that first... ;o(

One thing is for sure...stop being a door stopper, and ask yourself what she has done for you lately. If the answer is nothing, then you shouldn't feel guilty about acting how we've told you