No offense @amuzamo, but I would never interfere with another's free will. The cliches are valid for a reason - "I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't make your heart feel something it just won't." "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they are truly yours. If not, they never were."

If you really love someone, you would not cast spells on them (even if you believed in that stuff).

So I'm home now. Kids are napping and a huge snow storm is upon us. I sit her alone thinking about her being home soon. How in years past a day like this we would cuddle up and watch a movie. I just sat her and cried. When will this hurt stop. I wanted to sleep out tonight. But the safety of my kids and even her with this storm made me stay. Admittedly Id rather be here with her but under different circumstances. I have to pretend I'm ok tonight. Hang with the kids and her and then disappear to my lonely bed yet again. Earlier posts had me thinking about what I miss. Is it her or the thought of having someone. It might be to soon for me to think clearly. But right now it's her. I can't imagine doing those things with someone else. Her smile. Her laugh her touch. They are all I know for the last 10 years. She has certainly changed recently. But there are still so many of those great qualities in her that I still see today. I dunno. Everyday I have that moment where I feel better and that same day I have that crushing moment that brings me to tears. One way or the other I need the sadness to stop. i hope I find away soon. I'm not sure how long I deal with this.

I'm so sorry for your pain ESL. I'm glad you will be with your children.

I'm sitting here with the same blizzard coming in. I emailed my ex to ask if I could pick my son up tonight instead of Tuesday night when the blizzard will be in full force - thinking it will be safer and easier. I'll be working from home tomorrow as the offices will likely be closed and he will also have no school.

She replied "No. I'm off." So I guess I will get him in the blizzard tomorrow evening...

Praying for you guys on the East Coast with this storm moving in. Stay safe..I know this is a little off the thread topic but safety and your kids safety are always paramount.
Take Care over there...
Coop

I reminded her that I'll be on Boston on business next week and miss my Tuesday, and that it would be safer to get him tonight. Her response?

"Obviously you'll do what the governor suggests and stay off the roads tomorrow." We'll see how it is."

So I guess she is saying I don't get my visitation this week or next. Tough SH1#. Too bad for you.

Hello, I just came across this site and have been reading the posts. My wife just told me she wanted to separate about 2 weeks ago and I am going through the EXACT same thing as ESL. I've been closely following this thread, as it's really creepy how similar our current experiences are that I don't even have to post and just continuing on reading the responses on this post.

This is the worse feeling I have ever felt and cannot believe it is over between us. I will continue to read and hope to gain some strength from everyone on this board.

"My biggest fear is that this isn't what she really wants but is driven by fear of ending up like her parents."
At what point do you start making yourself a priority? If you don't make yourself a priority, who is going to? Why is this all about her? What about you? You say you deserve better but your actions aren't matching your words.
I can only imagine how painful this is where your kids are concerned. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that.
You say you're not talking to your wife about your relationship but I really don't think you should be talking to her about anything that isn't vital where the kids are concerned. Unless you need to have some interaction to maintain normalcy for the kids, I you keep your distance from her and don't interact. That will accomplish two things: it will give her what she's asking for and it will also help send the message that you're not going to tolerate being treated badly. No more helping her with financial matters, etc. With your future being uncertain, it's not wise to enter in to any other financial ventures with her.
The last bit of advice I'd offer is don't respond to judgmental, condescending posts. It's not worth your time. Again, it's teaching people how to treat you. :) You don't owe anyone on this site an explanation about your actions.

@melissa87. " I you keep your distance from her and don't interact. That will accomplish two things: it will give her what she's asking for and it will also help send the message that you're not going to tolerate being treated badly." Great advice I wish I had followed. Thank you for being direct and sincere. Sometimes it is needed to cut through the "I don't matter" fog.

@mlewisct - I imagine you did the best you could with what you had at the time which is all we can do. It's always easy to look back and wish we'd done things differently but when your emotions are raw and you're dealing with the trauma of a relationship ending, it's often all we can do just to get through the day. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is forgive ourselves for being human.

So we survived the snow storm. Spent a lot of time together. Can't say much has changed. But we did have a good time both alone and with the kids. I'm not reading to much into it though. In a little disappointed, she is sick so we may end up canceling our marriage counseling tonight. I hope not but if she is sick I guess that's better the her just wanting to go. I've been doing well with my 2 week plan to not talk about us. I still break down and cry at the end of the night when I lay in my seperate bed. My plan may have to be altered slightly though. Her office move was pushed a week because of the storm and no falls on the weekend of our anniversary. No way we can go out now even if we weren't seperated. So not sure how I'll proceed. I guess I'll just feel it when Ive had enough.

She is playing head games with you to work through her own Sh*t.

Do not get sucked into her ....Stand strong

I feel your pain....you are grieving and it does take 2-3 years

Once it is all clearer

I hope you are one of those very rare miracles where the wife comes to her senses....But I have yet to see that happen

@murphy -- Thank you... thats the wierd thing for me here... I know its not fair to me at all, but i do think she is going through something, really emotionally screw up right now with her parents divorce, the abandonment issues her whole life of her own father and a new job that is extremly demanding of her... yet very fullfilling... believe me, i know a job is no reason to divorce, but i just mention in as added pressure in her life. Now im not saying this is the case, Just something i ponder, if this really is just her an emotional mess right now, Do I stand by her? or do I jump ship? If she had cancer would I stick by her side? Absolutly! So its kinda a double edge sword for me... One the one side, she may be really stringing me along and useing me. on the other she is going through something emotionally and may not really want to leave me but feels she has to to focus on her issues? None of its fair to me... but how do I abandon someone i love so dearly?

There's a difference between abandoning someone and not letting someone treat you badly.
My bf just up & disappeared when our relationship was better than it had ever been due to his commitment issues and trauma from his past. I left my bf before him because he was emotionally abusive. Which one is abandonment?
You're still teaching her that she can treat you anyway she wants and you'll be there. You can't expect things to improve if you don't change the dynamic.
It's like you're drowning in two feet of water...you could save yourself if you'd stand up but you refuse to stand up.
People learn how to treat you based on what you accept from them. You can't TELL someone you don't accept this...you have to show them with your actions. You're going for instant gratification. You're choosing what feels good now, in the moment, rather than acting in a manner that will benefit you in the long run. Right now you are your own worst enemy.
I know this is painful. My question is what are you getting out of playing the victim here? Nobody is a victim unless they choose to be and it is a choice you're making. We are free to choose but not free of the consequences. I mean this in a "tough love" sort of way - if this is the choice you're going to continue to make then you need to make peace with it and move forward.
Again, you have to decide if you want to be a doormat or if you want to have a partner and you need to tailor your actions to what you want in the long run.

@ Melissa, I agree with you, I am essentially my own worst enemy right now.... im a huge supporter of supporting my family my wife included... ive always done for them, as well as done for myself. But i have a huge heart and alot of love to give. Your all 100% correct, essentially she has a husband still when i dont have a wife... That is what hurts the most... I struggle to turn that off. My heart makes me keep going and doing. My kids deserve better of both of us, i can't make her see that, or make her do anything to show that, but my kids deserve two loving parents together. She cares about me, i see it, she does for me, but not much, like my laundry and a few other little things, but she doesn't show a connection to me, no affection, no love. I deserve more then that I know it. The irony of this all is the few things that bothered me before seperation, she is doing now... She used to be on her phone alot texting and stuff and never include me on any of it, or be on FB and not share anything.... The last few weeks without prompt for me, she is mentioning who or why she is texting, showing me something funny on FB... We watched a movie the other night, and for the first time in weeks she sat next to me.... I dont know if I should see those as signs of her slowly coming back, or are they really just tatics to keep me close enough to do for her? Ive known her for 10 years, she isn't that kinda person to be so cold and decietful.... I mean can someone change so quickly like that? Litterly the day she told me about seperation, she kissed me when she got home from work, and 3 hours later told me. From that moment on she distanced her self, different beds, can't see her naked, no affection etc... I dunno... I hear so much advice from so many, and so veru different, how does anybody really know whats right and wrong here.... Nobody knows her like I do, other then her knowing herself.. Nobody feels what i feel... Doesn't make anyones advice here wrong, but i struggle when people swear there is another guy... I hear that and start to think about it, investigate a bit and realize it can't be possible... am I fooling myself? or am i really right? Ive talked to my therapist alot about this, and im told the same thing everytime... I should do what I feel is right and want to do, what i feel is right is to not give up yet... Its 2 days shy of a month, i feel thats just to soon to give up. If things dont improve over time, ill either have no choice, or will get to the stage of being angry enough to give up and move on. But for me there is alot more at stake then just my wife. My kids, the home, and my entire life we have built together will come crumbling down. Giving up on her now, i feel is giving up on everything, my kids included... They deserve better.... My biggest issue with her is, we haven't tried... I didn't know there was anything wrong till only a few months ago, and it was early Nov when she said she wanted to try, month and half after that i thought things were going better, but she still never communicated issues, so for her they weren't... I again had no idea even when i asked. If we tried for a year or even more and things didn't improve, id more acceptable of this although devistated. 10 years together and to base our entire marriage and future on the last few months seems irrational. I dunno... ive heard you all, and my heart isn't ready to give up...

I'm not saying you should give up.
I also agree that your kids deserve two loving parents and you need to think about the example you, as parents, are setting for them. Do you want to set an example of an unhealthy relationship? I'm not saying you should stay or you should go. That is entirely up to you. But whether you stay or go, you still need to set some boundaries and stick to them. You can't just be there when she wants you to be there then leave her alone with she wants that. What's in it for you? A good, healthy relationship is mutually beneficial and satisfying. I don't think you're satisfied or benefitting from your current arrangement at all.
There are times in every relationship where one person gives more than the other but again, that should go both ways.
Setting boundaries is healthy in any relationship. But you have to stick to the boundaries otherwise they are meaningless. I would suggest after the kids go to bed, go your separate way. Give her the space she thinks she wants. Let her find out if that's what she really wants. I know it's hard and it would make you feel better in the moment but it's kind of like someone trying to lose weight and eating Twinkies...it might satisfy them in the moment but it totally undermines their long term goal. Put the Twinkies down! :)