ESL you're very early in this breakup. Believe me I did the same things you are doing you can read my journal. After 5 months of the same behavior and feelings you are exhibiting the truth came out. I hope you are right about your motivations to help your ex. My ex wife and I were together 24 years and I thought I knew her too. You may seem some responders are harsh but they just don't want to see you crushed. Good luck.

@ESL....I was not "burned" by my wife, don't know where you pulled that one out of, and if you've read my posts, you will note that it was me that ended it, and there was no cheating.

Unlike you though, I grew a pair and put a stop to the advantage taking. I have a son and not prepared to act as a parent to an adult. I can bet money on it that she is still going to dump your @$$ anyway, and only then would you realize that what some of us are telling you was inevitable.

You are acting like a white knight, and then looking for pity

Your entitled to your opinion... Its noted.

So met her for lunch, we actually had lunch before we did the loan.. It went ok, until she asked me what time i was coming by the house tomorrow morning... I said oh, i thought i was staying home tonight, she responded by saying i could, and she would sleep downstairs... My stomach sank and sadness took over... I held it in but i felt myself shutting down... I said its fine ill stay out.. she she feels bad and I should stay home... But now i dont want to... I dont feel wanted, I dont feel welcome in my own home. I know some or most will say im a fool and should never leave the house... but so far we have taken turns staying home, so me sleeping out tonight wont have much impact on me keeping or loosing my house... She mentioned she would cook dinner and such, but now im torn... I have some friends that invited me out to dinner, I think id rather do that... but wonder if there is any value to staying home and doing dinner with her and the kids... These are the stupid decisions i have to make daily...

^ let me guess, you are asking for opinions when in fact you already know what you are going to do regardless?

I'm sorry dude but you're setting yourself up for that sinking heart feeling over and over....why don't you stay out of her life for awhile and give her a chance to miss you? You always being there is just reminding her why she chose to leave you. You are in for a world of pain the more you see her.

So we talked a bit yesterday morning. She seems to be a bit conflicted now. But also said that me asking and trying to convince her makes her feel forced. I decided in going to do my best to not talk to her about us for a while. But she said something odd. She still wants to be a family. Still wants to do things together with the kids. I don't see how we are a family if not together and I told her that. Our anniversary is in 2 weeks and she has a very busy and important week at her job into next weekend. I told her that for the next two weeks. Let's not talk about us. I'll keep my distance the best I can but the kids make it hard not to see her. I asked that maybe we go out for our anniversary and use that as a starting point to work on reconnecting. She asked if she can think about it a few days and let me know. I said ok and left it at that. Odd thing is after that so far the rest of the weekend has been good and together. We have hung with the kids at home and had fun. Laughed and talked about lots of things other the us. Today she even asked me to go with her to her brothers house. I havnt been asked there in 4 weeks. I asked her about when she wanted me to sleep out and at first we agreed to just mon. And she would stay out Thursday. But now we have a big storm coming Monday night and she said I should stay home it will be safer. Although still not in the same bed. We have even talked about some future plans like a show in May. Kinda confusing but also makes me think she is conflicted. I think she wants some time and space and isn't sure if being apart or a divorce is really what she wants. I'm going to work on keeping my emotions in check give her the most space I can and try to just keep my mind in the kids and myself. Not much else I can do anyway. Just plan old sucks though. Just want her back and for things to be normal. I have moments when I just want to grab her and kiss her and hold her. But I doubt that would go over week at this point.

^ oh boy...you are only seeing and believing what you want to, and your post reads as a boy who is giddy that he might get to kiss a girl. Her reaction is not to be an @$$ to you after you went out of your way to co-sign the loan, and to continue to make you feel good so that she can come to you for more stuff knowing that you will bend over and take it.

She has you by the balls, and when the time comes to squeeze them so tight that they hurt, she will do it with no remorse.

I agree with deltone and coop - no good can come from you doing these things. She's the one who wanted separation but you're not giving her that. You're giving her the benefit of having a husband yet you don't get the benefit of having a wife. What happened to love, honor, cherish...for better or for worse? Clearly you're taking your vows seriously but it doesn't sound like she's doing the same.
I understand that having kids makes no contact impossible. I think it would be better for all for you to keep your contact limited to the kids.
Sometimes you need to give people what they ask for. Another thing to keep in mind is that the person in the relationship who cares the least has the most power. I know that sounds like game playing and to an extent, it is. But I think one of the best things you could do right now is to stop letting her have the power, stop letting her call the shots.
We teach people how to treat us. Right now you're teaching her that she can treat you any way she wants and you'll still be there. You can't TELL her that this isn't acceptable, you have to show her...by not having dinner with her, stop helping her with loans, etc. Let her see what it's like to be a single mom...it's not easy, I've been one for 22 years and have always taken care of myself.
Sometimes people need to be careful what they ask for because they just might get it. Maybe she needs to get what she's asked for so she can find out if she really wants it.
If she doesn't want to save the marriage, there's nothing you can do to change her mind. However, if she does you need to decide if you want to be her doormat or her partner.
Good luck to you...I hope this works out for you.

@melissa. I read your post twice and want to thank you. My head says your 100% right. My heart is the stupid boy in me holding on to hope. I'm not sure I'm built in a way to not care for and provide for my family. But you nailed it. I don't have a wife. I hardly have a friend right now although she is still doing some things for me but none on any emotional level. My biggest fear is that this isn't what she really wants but is driven by fear of ending up like her parents. No excuse for her actions but it makes it harder for me to give up. She has said she cares a lot about me and I do see how much she cares about me at times in her actions. But if she truely cared she wouldn't do this. I have set my self a 2 week time line. Our anniversary is 2 weeks from today. The next two weeks I'm planning on not talking about us. Doing for my kids which unfortunately means doing for her at times like next weekend she has to work and I will be with the kids. I asked her to consider going out for our anniversary and using that as a starting point to reconnect. If she declines or we go and she doesn't bother. I surrender. There is no more my heart can handle and in hope to turn it as cold as hers is right now. It's hard for me to leave as my time with my kids will diminish. I miss them every night I'm not home. I'm not sure how I'll do it. I feel like giving up on her is giving up on my kids. I know I will always be there father and love them but not being there all the time for them will be difficult for me. But I deserve better. My kids deserve better. I know I can't force her to change her mind. I guess I just hopped it would have in its own already. I've known her for 10 years. This isn't her. She was never selfish and I can't believe this is what she has become.

I'm with @melissa87 on this one. I realize every person and situation is different, so this may not apply to you, but your actions are just what mine were. I was so desperate not to lose her I would do anything for her. I made excuses (her mother died, she was having a mid-life crises, etc.), anything to explain her new behaviors. In the end, I'm sure she lost respect for me because I was her door mat, and in the end, I was just hurt even more after being strung along like you are for a year. I tried so hard to be the perfect husband, and I did not have a wife. I had a "no commitment. I'm only having sex with you right now, and I'll let you know if that changes." I'm still going to take my trips to stay with Neil, and if you can't handle that, then "I release you." Oh no - I'll handle it...anything not to lose you... I was such a fool. Yet, I still love her and she is a good mother to our son. But, I won't be played with any more. I wish you the best, but I don't think two weeks will make any difference - no major changes - just her not committing and you being alone and hurting. I'm sorry.

Just want to vent... Its been 3 days since I told myself to not talk to her about us, to try my hardest to focus on myself and the kids, to give her space and some time and to try to keep any hope i once had at bay...

I cried myself to sleep last night, she didn't see it, we were both home but i slept in our basement. When does it get easier? I feel I can't breath without her... makes me feel a bit pathetic. How can someone I love so much, have cherished so much, not even want to try... Just have a crushing feeling inside everday, my stomach is in knots everyday... How do I move on... How do I get stronger and give up?

" makes me feel a bit pathetic."........well self awareness is a wonderful thing isn't it? So how is she able to carry on like nothing is happening is the question I have, and would you say she has cast some kind of spell over you?

" How do I move on... How do I get stronger and give up? ""

You go back and read all the posts on here, go and talk to some other men in person who have gone through the exact same thing, and then dig deep inside to tell yourself you deserve a lot more than this BS, and someone that appreciates you and not just for when they need a loan.

Man you are coming across as someone who has only been with 1 woman. There are some good ones out there amongst the majority of rubbish ones looking to take advantage, you just have to search harder, and have a list of what is important to you in a relationship, and sex should not be the primary requirement

Ive been with my share... but only one i have ever felt was my sole mate. Something wrong with that?

@ESL12, there is nothing wrong with what you are feeling. Your feelings are real and they are your valid experience.

It is the disconnect between the way you are being treated and the way you feel that you need to find a way to examine intellectually. Be honest about how you are treated, about why you feel "pathetic," (just like I did while being strung on for a year), and what exactly it is that you feel you will be losing - about her, and/or about your identity. What need does being with her fulfill? At what cost?

Please read the posts under the title "so hard to let go." It may give you some insight. Then, re-read the posts in this thread. Try to detach and use an intellectual lens. You need to do this for your emotional, and physical, well-being.

I wish you strength and courage my friend. You are not alone.