@esl12...well, you don't give up. You NEVER give up! However you need to figure out what you are fighting for. I can only share my experience because every situation is different. This process took 8 months from when my stbx said she was unhappy until we separated. I never gave up but my fighting changed from saving a marriage to focusing on my kids and my well being. I was the same way...she was my future, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but then...poof...everything changed. I would really suggest you talk to somebody...therapist, pastor, really good friend. This is a lot for one person to process. I really feel for you and I hope that you get your chance.

Dang...I heard this too. But her marriage was not good either, so in my mind it was like asking for swimming lessons from someone who is drowning. Her marriage got my spouse thinking how terrible his marriage was...and starting him making a list of all the bad things and he spent 2 weeks and couldn't think of 1 happy thought in the last 20 yrs. Continues to add to his list of unhappy events. We never fought, cussed or yelled at each other I really thought we were a team and worked together....

So hard and I'm dealing with this as well.

That is the thing about presumed solid marriages, and the shock when one person asks out of it. This should serve as a reminder to those that ignore the power of communication and mutual respect, and just go all in based on looks and fluff.

@OP, as someone else mentioned to you and in my post above. Make your kids the focus and exert all your energy in getting what is right for you.... you can't force the now horse at the stream to drink against their will.

So I had my own therapy yesterday with a new therapist, and she flat out asked me if i felt her parents divorce after the 30 years could be affecting her. I said I can't speak for her, but it appears so. The therapist explained to me that its not uncommon for a child of divorced parents to start to feel affraid for there own marriage, they have the expecation of failure and are quick to make decisions. My wife asked me about my session, she wanted details, so I told her all. For the first time she said doesn't know why she is feeling the way she is, that she is conflicted, and not sure why she is focused on the negative rather then looking at the positives. I told her, i can't understand how you feel, i know how hard it must be. But we aren't her parents, we are better then that. That I love her and will stick by her as long as this takes. I wont give up because we are worth it, she is worth it. She feels guiilty and for the first time seemed conflicted about this decision rather then sure about it. Not sure what will happen from her, but the ball is in her court and she knows it. I also explained that the last thing i want is to end this, but if that is what it will take, that ill let go, it will hurt, but ill let go if its what she needs. We have marriage counseling tonight so i guess we will see what happens. She is still planning on staying at her moms thursday night, but we have been in the same house for the last week just sleeping in different beds. I miss her dearly, but am understanding now there isn't much i can do.

My prayers are with you ESL. I hope the marriage counseling can draw out the real issues for her. I feel the same about my now ex, so I know how you feel, and wish you the right outcome.

Good luck with therapy tonight. Believe me...I know how you feel. One word of advice that a friend gave me when I started therapy...make sure you leave time for the therapist to say something. It is so easy to just unload and keep talking that before you know it, time is up and you don't feel like you got any advice.

Roller coaster continues.. but still going down... ;o( Therapy seemed just ok, she seemed open to "negotiate" on issues as the therapist put it, but she also stated that a non-negotable is seperation. She thinks I dont respect her because i dont want a seperation. I tried to explain that im willing to do anything, id jump through hoops of fire everyday for the rest of life it thats what it takes. but a seperation takes me away from everything i cherish in my life. I would think the point to "negotiating" is to restore our marriage not to seperate and divorce? She has again commented on how she doesn't want to stay together and be unhappy the rest of our lives, which further proves she is comparing us to her parents. Ive tried deperatly to explain we aren't them. We are worth working on and we wont be unhappy. She says I was unhappy for a long time, and i tried to tell her that she can't tell me i was unhappy, Thats for me to say, and i wasn't unhappy until she mentioned seperation. She seems to be focusing on only negative, therapist said we need to have fun one night this week, she commented on how we dont have fun anymore, which blew me away, I said how can you say that.. we jut went to florida and had a great time right? She agreed, then i reminded her a few weeks ago we went to city for dinner tree and ice skating, she said that was a great night... So how do we not have fun anymore? I just can't understand... I find myself wondering if I should give up, walk away and leave the house... I feel if i give up, im giving up on all I cherish even though its her that has given up.... I think about a life hardly seeing my kids... I can't go an hour without thinking about her, missing her. She thinks I dont support her and respect her, and i try to explain i cherish and respect her, and ill do what ever necessary to prove it to her, but she says she doesn't want me to prove anything... I dont understand any of it... I dont know what to do anymore. I know lots of poeple have given advice and perspective on here and i thank you... but my heart and my brain aren't working right, wish I could find the one word or action to change her mind and I just can't...

"She thinks I dont support her and respect her,"...what does she mean by this, financially? It should be pointed out that this should always be a two-way street in any relationship.

The problem usually arises when one person thinks it's the God's given right to always have things their way. This is what leads to breakups / divorces

She means with her new job she started almost 2 years ago, when she started it it was demanding of her time i started to get a bit jealous, I realized early on i was wrong and changed my ways, i think she means emotionally supported her. I was very supportive in taking on more responsibilities at home so she didn't have to worry about it and could focus more on her job. The respect part im not clear on, i think right now it has to do with her wanting seperation and i dont, she feels im not respecting her... I can some what understand it, but its a but unfair. I cherish her and she is asking me to give up the one thing i care most about which is my family, her included. She feels she finally has a job she loves and is happy with and im not happy for her. I have several times explained im very happy for her, Her success is success for our family and i love she enjoys it, i love hearing about her work and what she has accomplished. I ask her daily how her day was, how a project is going she is working on etc. these are some of the things i wish she would communcate with me more about, how can i make her feel more supported... I want to do anything and everything to make her feel better. I cherish her and her happiness makes me happy too.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your story reminds me of my own. My husband asked for a separation seemingly out of the blue. He informed me that we were both unhappy even though I wasn't until he made his big announcement. We were in therapy and the therapist made a number of suggestions he didn't follow. At the end of the day I had to accept that you can't make someone want to be with you. I would have done anything to make my marriage work (even though my husband is a liar and a cheat). It will never work unless both parties are willing to make the necessary changes. I suggest you focus on your own emotional growth so that you're able to cope whatever happens between you and your wife.

Sorry that you are experiencing a separation and possibly a divorce. Truthfully, if she felt unhappy in the marriage the first person that should have known is you! I think that it borders on abuse when she is talking about your insecurities to a coworker. I suggest that you focus on yourself and seek professional counseling. She impresses me as the type of individual that no matter what you do it will never be enough. Happiness is an internal state. A marriage, relationship can enhance our lives. Not make our happiness.

Hugs to you!

So my pain continues... ;o( Our Marriage counsler last wed recommended we do something fun this week, so on friday I suggested we go to NYC for a nice dinner and a broadway show we both wanted to see... Her initial response was ok, lets discuss when home. She then later that evening asked if i wanted to meet her at her new office to check it out, so I did. Was there an hour or two, helped her do a few things there and took the tour. Not sure why she even asked me? When we got home i eventually asked her if she wanted to go to NYC and she started with excuses, its to cold out etc.. and then she finally said, do you think its a good idea? I said well yes, im trying to follow our therapists advice. Saturday morning came and still no answer, so I asked one last time because tickets had to be purchased if we were to go. She says she doesn't want to go cause she is affraid ill see it as hope... and then proceeds to say there are things she hasn't been talking about because she doesn't want me to take it as hope? I held back on my WTF thought, and just said its ok i understand. We spent the day together with the kids and that evening she asked me if I wanted to go with her to her mom's with the kids for dinner ( first time in 3 weeks i was invited ) I went we had a good time. We came home and slept in seperate beds again. Sunday morning she went out along to shop for 4 hours, came home and i hung home for an hour or two with her, just kinda coexisted didn't talk about much. She had already made it clear i was to sleep out sunday night, so I said good bye to the kids, tried my best to hold my tears back, and left. Ive slept out the last two nights and she is supposed to sleep out tonight... I miss her more every day.

@ESL12.....seems you are being played for a fool. She invited you to her office to show you that she is doing well / things are looking up and just wanted to rub it in. She made excuses to go to dinner, but she probably saved you money in the end. She then wanted you to go to her mom's house for dinner...

Sounds to me like someone that always has to have things their way i.e. entitlement queen. I reckon there she is seeing someone else, and all this talk about "some things she is not telling you" is a sign. Do not allow yourself to be blindsided, strike while the iron is hot.

Made it clear you were to sleep out Sunday night...the audacity. Perhaps her guy is showing up later once you leave. This is the sort of BS I'll never put up with, and she would have been served papers before she could say...can we talk about this

I'm gonna have to agree with Deltone. She wants out but made it clear your supposed to sleep out? Why? When my ex wife started her weekend getaways nonsense towards the end our relationship I was royally pissed. After she broke up with me she wanted to stay in the house until she figured out where she was gonna go, and I foolishly let her but she continued to leave every Friday and come back drunk Sunday night, so after 3 weeks of that I told her to get out and go stay at her moms. This whole showing you her new office and then telling you to sleep away from the house is ridiculous. I wouldn't leave my own house. If she wants out let her leave.

ESL be careful. Many years ago, in my first marriage, a counselor suggested a trial separation where I would sleep out. When I came back to the house, the locks were changed and she had a "guest." I didn't know what to do so I called the police. They came and would not let me in the house due to her having a guest which they considered a potential for domestic violence. I don't have a violent bone in my body and rarely even raised my voice. It didn't matter, I was forced to leave as they couldn't "force" my wife to ask her "guest" to leave. I was served for divorce the next day and received a court order that "pende lite," as I had "moved out," I could not go back to my house until there was a divorce settlement. It turned out that she had planned all this out with a lawyer ahead of time. That was my nightmare in 1998. That doesn't mean it will happen to you, but it could, so be careful about agreeing to leave the house, or "sleep out," for any reason. As others have said, if she wants to leave, let her sleep out.