Hi ESL12,

I can co-relate my situation with yours.

My marriage was almost over. We had been married for the past 7 years and had two wonderful children. We were constantly bickering and fighting with each other over trivial issues. My husband and I underwent the Marriage Foundations fix your marriage course as a last effort to save our marriage. Though honestly, initially I was skeptical of the counseling knowing it uses science and spirituality.

But quite unexpectedly, it really worked for us. It rebuild our friendship in marriage that had gone lost somewhere. We try to understand each others point of view now and sort things out calmly.

I will pray for your better relationship .

So sorry you are going through this. You are on the correct website to get some support. I can totally relate as this was similar to my situation. Married 18 yrs, together for 20 yrs with 2 kids 15 and 12. Out of the blue my wife said she was unhappy and so began a long slow 8 month process of leading to what is now our 5th day of separation. We have both gone to therapy (both together and separately). I came to realize that she did not or could not communicate to me her needs or issues...ever. Unknowingly I spent 20 years trying to read her mind and guess what she needed...doing a lot for her hoping that I had enough darts that some would hit the target. If I had known her issues, like you, those would have been priority one. It all boiled down to that she wasn't feeling "it" for me anymore and she had already started cheating. She was my world and I'm still a little lost...but I can tell you from my experience things will get better. I won't kid you...it has been rough...very rough. I would recommend finding someone you can talk to even a therapist. My therapist was a big help and I had never gone to a therapist before. Try to stay healthy and try to stay strong. If anxiety gets to be too much, there is no shame seeing your doctor for some medication to help calm you down. Good luck. Feel free to message me if you need to.

Thank you for the responses... Its been hard for me the last several days, ironically we spoke this morning a bit, its hard for me to tell what it all ment, but she opened up a bit more on how she was feeling. All seem to be things that can be worked on specifically with better communication. Although it wasn't clear if she still wanted to continue seperation and for how long, but for some reason i felt encouraged. My fingers are crossed and im hoping, but i also know i may still be in this for the long hall. My only hope is she is open to communicating more and better with an equal goal of sving out marriage because a week or so ago she said to her its broken beyond repair.

So I was wrong.. i thought we had a desent conversation where she communicated some issues and all things that could be worked on... but i was wrong. Although she communicated more, she is still hard on her stance. She has completly emotionally abandoned me and im crushed. Im so inlove with her. I dont know what to do day to day now. I just want to find a path that can bring us back together. I can't stop crying... just dont know how im going to move forward. ;o(

OK...I should be working but compelled to respond. It is understandable that you don't know how to move forward but you WILL move forward. Maybe not today, maybe not in 3 months, but you will move forward. If you can I would strongly suggest talking to a therapist. Mine helps me tremendously...supportive but keeping me based in reality as to what is happening and slapping me in the head when I need it. Really helped to navigate through this. What I've learned being on this site is that this just seems to happen. It sucks, it's a killer, it's scary, I lost weight, I couldn't sleep. In October I had a similar situation like you described. My stbx had found an apartment. I had to sign the lease so she could qualify. I hadn't heard anything in a couple of weeks so I asked what was going on. She said that she backed out of the lease. For 6 months prior I was trying to save the marriage until I just gave up. We talked about it and I'm thinking she's having second thoughts. I went right back to save mode for two days. I finally asked her if she was having second thoughts. She said no. A friend of hers told her if she left the house then it could be considered abandonment. It forced her to look at her situation and start to rationally think how was she going to do this. That was the turning point for me...this is not going to be fixed.

I was where you are at (sometimes I still am). The sense of loss is sometimes immensely overwhelming, but little by little it has gotten better. We just completed our first week of separation and I was alone for the weekend. It was actually good getting back in touch with myself. My point is that these situations are just suckily horrible but please have some faith in yourself that things will eventually get better. Use this site for support and venting. This site has been extremely helpful and the people here are great. Sometimes it is just nice to know that you are not alone. Take care

@OP....I am sorry to hear about your situation, and the reason why we are all on here is because we have either gone through a breakup, or going through one. As someone who is divorced, I can tell you that when it first happens, you just have to take each day at a time, and unless the other party is willing to work together, there isn't really much you can do. However, if you believe in the scriptures...

Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God

Malachi 2:16

"I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate it when people clothe themselves with injustice," says the LORD Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.

I know its raw, and painful... IM still in the shocked phase, and want nothing more then her back. Rationaly i tell myself i need to be stronger and get past this... But my emotions are still screaming and i can't hold back my tears.... we are still going to marriage counseling, im not even sure why, but i guess i can hope it will lead to something better. Today is my birthday and she is coming to dinner with my family and I. im not sure why, part of me wants to tell her no, but a huge part of me wants her there too. But it only leads to more confusion. I can't make sense of any of this right now. ;o(

You are grieving. When this started happening to me, I immediately got panicky and could not understand what was happening. We were perfect for each other...right? I make her laugh every day...right? We have a wonderful life with 2 amazing kids...right? It made no sense. I cried everyday (still have my moments). It was so unthinkable and unbelievable. This was the person that I built a future around...now what? At the beginning it was like being in a white water raft and trying to steer the currents Now I'm still in the white water raft but just focusing on holding on and staying in the boat (no flipping over) and letting the currents take me wherever. You are in a tough position right now. If you can, try to take this one. day. at. a. time. I worked on just keeping things as normal as I could for the kids until we came to a decision. Go to the marriage counseling for now because it is going to help to talk to somebody professionally even if your wife is there. Good luck with your birthday tonight.

We went out with my family for my birthday last night... Things were normal as if nothing is wrong... She talks to me like we are friends avoiding the elephant in the room. Slept in seperate beds again, but she came to me for a hug good night. This morning more of the same, although for the past week she was covering herself up while dressing, this morning she was just in her underware... She again gave me a hug good bye when she left for work and a kiss on the cheek. Its confusing, I dont want to avoid it cause it feels good to hold her for those brief seconds, but why is she doing it? Ive avoided conversation about us the last two days, ive held in my desire to beg and plead cause i know it wont help, but my heart is pouring for her. Im in tears the moment she leaves. Its only been 2 weeks but im lost without her. I wish someone can show me a way back to her heart... I just want her and my family to be whole again.

Have the kids sensed anything? Not sure how old they are. Has she still not given you a point blank answer to as what went wrong? I wish you the best.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I truly understand how you feel - wanting her back and wanting your family back and whole more than anything in the world, waiting on pins and needles for that moment she arrives and obsessing over whether she will hug or kiss you, and what it means if she does/doesn't. Will she say "Goodnight. Love you," or just G,nite, or nothing...

Each relationship and out come is unique, but I can share with you that I've been where you are, and she divorced me and I moved out, and then she would hug me and give me a kiss when I would pick up my son for visitation, then much more happened and I hoped against all odds that we were reconciling, then she dropped me again... At some point, you have to accept it or you will be held emotional hostage as I have been (and am still trying to break away from). It is the worst kind of torture I've ever lived through to-date. I hope you find more strength than I did and you don't suffer for as long. If you are a person of faith, pray for help to get through it, and for whatever outcome will be best for you as opposed to praying for the outcome you want.

She still hasn't been clear, says its just her feelings... she mentioned she doesn't feel supported or respected by me, but not clear on why she feels that way. Feels she is under my thumb? But i never say no to anything she wants or does. I support her in many ways atleast i feel i do.. and when i tell her lets work on these things, That its just poor communication which is something we can easily work on together, she is just stuck on her decision. We have had ups and downs the last 4 months, but prior to that we had 10 great years together, 5 married. I can't understand why our entire relationship, and future is being based on 4 months.

Oh man...I'm so sorry to hear this happening to you. I can also share that this is very similar to my situation (so similar that it is scary). I heard the same thing...my feelings have changed and I can't change my feelings. When everything hit, I had the same reaction...if she was unhappy then let's talk about it, what is she feeling, let's work it out and get you happy again. When there was resistance to doing this it really shocked me. I kept hearing the same thing..."these are my feelings and I can't change my feelings. how can I work on changing my feelings." When I consciously increased affection, she was receptive (although intimacy stopped the day that she said she was unhappy). She would still kiss me good night and give me hugs during the day. Over time it became more apparent to me that she was just trying to ease me into the thought of disconnecting (I didn't know it at the time but she had already started another relationship). I eventually had to tell her that I can't kiss and hug anymore because it is hurting me and it means different things to each of us. She was actually disappointed about that, but I had to stop it because it was getting me too worked up and leading to false hope.

There were a lot of reasons she gave that were a result of some revisionist history but it boiled down to that she just didn't feel "it" for me anymore (and hinted that she may never have). I realize that it takes two to tango and I have my faults but it was just a shock that this was happening. I was different than her previous boyfriends/encounters. I was funny, secure, rational, supportive, a best friend, a good father, devoted but she actually said that "I don't light her fire." So 18 years later we are going into the 2nd week of separation.

This has been the ride of my life. The emotional roller coaster is not my favorite at the amusement park. I still don't understand a lot of what happened but I had to accept it and now trying to move forward.

I dont know how to let go, im not built that way, im devoted to my wife and kids, my family is all i care about. I dont know how to not feel for her, I feel in love with her 10 years ago to the day, my first birthday with her, she didn't even know it was my birthday that day. I looked in her eyes and saw my entire future, my life was complete. To this day I look in her eyes and see the same. She has given me everything, a wife, a family a home and now she is taking it all away, and all without trying. Id do anything for her, id change anything and everything in my power, not because she would make me change, but because id want to. I want to evolve, I want to grow and learn. I just can't see a future without her. How do I give up on the one thing that means the most to me? She is worth fighting for, i feel id fight to my death if I had to. I know it isn't fair to me, and it even may be a loosing battle, but i can't let go of that small piece of hope. II keep searching and thinking of anything i can say or do to change her mind set to atleast try, give me the chance, give us the chance.

@ESL12...wow. I hear what you are saying, but you have to love yourself and look out f or your own well being. If you are trying and she doesn't feel the same, you have to respect that and let her be. Sometimes the best thing we can do in situations like this, is to let go someone i.e. be free of something we love.

The last thing you want to do is drive yourself mental...that won't be good for you and your kids.