Phoebe, a meme is just a funny picture with words over it. People post them around facebook and the internet. There's often many memes with the same picture and different words. I'm sure you'd know one if you saw it!

I also totally agree that pulling is destructive behavior, based on the fact that it is triggered by anxiety and I feel bad for doing it. I saw an interesting video by a girl who does a video blog about trich on youtube. She was saying that she can't support trichsters who try to be "pull free" because she feels that society and individuals with trich should be accepting of hair loss and that we should accept trich as a part of who we are because it is something that cannot be controlled, since ultimately every pull free streak will come to an end. I struggled after seeing that video for awhile, but I wasn't sure why exactly because I knew I disagreed. I think it is just because pulling DOES feel like a negative thing for me, and not just for superficial reasons of vanity. It means I can't control myself, and I can accept trying to be pull free and sometimes failing more than I can accept letting my very real anxiety problems have such an impact on my life. I hope that even makes sense and is relevant, haha. I saw that video weeks ago and it has bothered me until now!

Hey manda, I saw that video too. On one hand I agree with her and on the other I agree with you and Phoebe. Some people have very severe trich and I don't really think that everyone has the ability to fight the condition. And since it's not life threatening (unless you eat the hair), then if someone chooses acceptance over fighting it, then that's great for them. If that works for them. For me, I think I need a combination of acceptance, positivity and persistence.

Yes, I do think people need to do whatever makes them feel best for themselves. I think the video bothered me so much because I felt like maybe choosing to fight trich made me superficial because it is so hugely about vanity....but it is also about so much more. For me, and I think for many others, it is a physical manifestation of larger issues that ultimately need to be dealt with, even though accepting that trich is part of our daily lives is hugely important. Being able to accept it and still choose to fight it is so hard!

I have not seen the video, and for all the choices we make as individuals, this is one where only someone who has seen the bully side of tugs will understand the depth of the tugs.

I know that I feel bullied when I find myself with the tweezers full of tugs, and not the particular tug I needed to relieve the pain. In accepting the difference of bullying myself quietly and learning to express the bullying tactics in a positive way, I'm finding my way to accepting what is happening and make it work for me.

All of us are using communication to help us find what can help us be successful. What works for one may be difficult for someone else. Everyone here is helping each other, and that is better than any one single video that misses the impact of the hidden part of what each of us face every moment.

It is easy to claim victory in a single moment, and each of those victories add up to the full victory we are working with.

Success, you've got it, and hugs instead of tugs!

"it is a physical manifestation of larger issues that ultimately need to be dealt with, even though accepting that trich is part of our daily lives is hugely important." Manda, yes yes YES to this. I 100% agree. I've just been in a slump and have been telling myself all sorts of things. But phoebe's comment kinda jolted me out of this slump and I've been reading helpful blog entries by a psych who specialises in trich and has it herself (pf 20 years) all night. And I've been remembering all my previous emotional discoveries (that I tend to suppress my emotions, say yes too much, please others and procrastinate). And I have recognised that I have come a long way. I've been remembering that I'm in recovery and that it's often three steps forward and two back. Yes all of these thoughts have been happening tonight!

I'll write more about what my recovery will now look like tomorrow.

I just saw your comment mid. Very true and thoughtful. It's so important not to bully ourselves over pulling. We already feel sad when we pull, and we don't deserve to be abused by ourselves ("you're weak" "you're pathetic") for having trich!

Interesting discussion.

I'm glad you feel like you have been jolted out of your slump Sam. That is also good that you are able to take a step back and recognize that YES, you have come a long way! Because YOU HAVE! We all have. Yaay us!

I also 100 percent agree with this: "it is a physical manifestation of larger issues that ultimately need to be dealt with, even though accepting that trich is part of our daily lives is hugely important."

For me trich is both destructive but it is also a self-soothing behavior. That's partly why it is so hard to stop -- I am pulling in order to "soothe" myself when I am feeling much bigger, more difficult emotions, which usually boil down to "gaah, I'm not good enough, I can't accept myself for who I am right now, I am a fundamentally deficient person."

So I thought the Beckie0 video was helpful in the sense that she does have a good point when she preaches ACCEPTANCE.

The self-help book I am reading right now -- recommended by the Help for Hair Pullers website! -- "Radical Acceptance: Living Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha" by Tara Brach -- has some of the same advice. So much of our culture revolves around telling us that nothing is ever enough. You're not good enough, EVER. So maybe hair pulling is a reaction to struggling with those feelings of deficiency. At least it is for me.

In that sense it can actually be just a huge relief to just ACCEPT things as they are, bald spots and all.

Easy to remember this when you are in a good state, harder to remember when things are tough!

Anyway, I plan to spend my evening reading up on the blog too -- http://helpforhairpullers.blogspot.com/. Thanks again for the find Sam !

Yes, I totally agree regarding accepting yourself, and not berating yourself. Forgive yourself if you are having a bad binge period, but don't give in to it. Keep fighting. Accept yourself if you really can't avoid having bald spots... I think that was my point in sharing my experience with the bald woman in the yarn store on my thread. But I still maintain that we need to fight. The recognition of this disorder gives us the opportunity to be strong, and to discover more about ourselves. Isn't that why we are here? It is different for everyone. For me, having a bald spot is horrifying, terrifying, almost dirty, and enough of a motivator to keep managing the pulling. But that is my story, yours will be different.
Interesting that you should bring up procrastination. I think it does fall into the same category as pulling...a fall- back, non productive response to something that should be dealt with. Think about how much better we feel when we have accomplished that task.

I love that we can have these discussions :)

Booyah - ultimately I think trich is a self soothing thing that we crave and that makes us (temporarily) feel good. I think many of use it to help us avoid negative emotions. We don't set out to be self destructive, it's more of a side effect. Yes I also agreed with the acceptance message in the beckie0 video also. That book by Tara brach is on my "to buy" list. I definitely know what you mean about not feeling good enough. I need to work on that too.

Phoebe - For me having bald spots is scary and horrible, but often that is still not enough to curb my pulling. I think many people feel this way. It's only when acceptance and general well-being is happening that it becomes easier to resist urges. Must keep working on my issues (expressing emotions more, doing more for me, accepting that I can't be perfect and no one is.. Etc!)

Well I'm adopting Claudia miles' system and rating each day from 0 to 10 in terms of hairs pulled. The only thing is, I don't know how many hairs I generally pull on a very bad day, as I'm never counting during this time. I've estimated it's 120. So this is the scale I've created. 0:0, 1:1-2, 2:3-4, 3:5-10, 4:11-20, 5:21-30, 6:31-54, 7:55-69, 8:70-84, 9:85-99, 10:100-120. Hm thoughts? If I create the scale evenly then my 1=20 hairs and my 2=40 hairs, which I think is ridiculous because I wouldn't score myself 1/10 if I pulled 20 hairs in a day!

I agree that the acceptance message is important. I am mostly trying to accept that trich IS a part of my life and always will be, but I don't know if I want to accept the effect it has on my hair because I ultimately want to feel in control of that. That rationale is what makes it easiest for me to deal with personally.

I was thinking of the same question about Claudia Miles' system. I don't usually count how many hairs I pull, but I have a vague idea. So I'm not sure how to implement the rating scale. I think it doesn't have to be so mathematical...

Yeah, what I took away from her rating system is that it needs to be subjective to what you are going through at a time, and maybe not necessarily attached to a fixed set of numbers. I think your scale is a fair one, but you also need to be realistic. Are you in a place right now where you can really get through the day pulling between 1-10 hairs a day ? You want to set up the system in such a way so that you are receiving lots of "1" and "2" days right off the bat, to give yourself a lot of positive reinforcement.

So for me right now, my goal is to just pull less than 50 hairs a day. ANY time I successfully do that, then my day is a 1!!!

Ahh, I see. I always get bogged down in the details & technicalities. I just feel for me, if it's more subjective then I might let myself get away with more. I don't know about you guys but my trich voice is aaaalways saying shit like "oh just one more won't hurt now" or "you've ruined it so it doesn't really matter if you pull one or two more". Oh and "hmm that one was pretty loose, I won't count it."

I do agree with you about being a bit less mathematical but she did say to have the top of the scale at the most you've pulled on a day in the last year, not just at the moment. Bleh! For me a 1 or two out of a maximum of 10 will only be a couple/few hairs. I like the way my scale forces me to count the hairs a little more. The goal being to be more aware, even if it's a bad day, and to be more accepting that yes it's a bad day but bad days do happen. Rather than "wah I'll have to start over tomorrow".

Three days ago I pulled 0 (0)
Two days ago I pulled 3 (2)
Yesterday I pulled 5 (3)

I'm aiming for a score of 3 or below right now as my good days. Time to print a chart!

If that works for you, go for it! I don't like counting the exact number of hairs pulled for many reasons, but I can see how it would be useful for others. Yay for charts!!

I'm going to try it and see how it goes. I only ever normally count when I'm in a good frame of mind.

I like that with this system I can pull up to 9 hairs a day and it's still get to put a smiley face on my chart :)

If a pf day the smiley face can wear sunglasses. Because I'm a dork.