I’m sure during the wedding she was distracted. That’s the thing with anxiety. Often if you have other things to focus on or distract you, the anxiety kind of takes a back seat during those times. For me it does anyway.

The thing with her feet… if she ends up saying her feet are bothering her, they likely are. I would just let her complain about it and not let it get to you. Not your issue to fix. As someone with foot problems for years, yeah… I could dance or exercise or whatever, but pay for it the next day. Eventually it got to the point where I could no longer compensate and finally quit being stubborn and CHOSE to see a doctor.

As a side note I wonder if your wife gets a little overwhelmed by all the social obligations. I’m a social person and even I need time to decompress, A rehearsal dinner, then the wedding, then a post morning breakfast is a lot. She may just need less things to have to rally for all at once. She’s different now so it stands to reason things she may have previously been gung ho about are things that feel more like a drain now. Just a thought.

I agree with rmb. The anxiety does take a back seat. That’s how it works. That’s why she could function in her job, But retirement allowed the anxiety more time to be front and center with no distractions. I can certainly relate to that. I functioned in my job quite well. The distraction kept me from focusing on the anxiety for the most part, but when I left for the day, anxiety rode home with me. Enabling means you give in to her attempts to control you. And you seem to give in. When you threaten to leave for a while, she is able to keep you under her control, you give in. That is enabling, being her safety blanket so she is never alone with her demons, always there to keep the safety blanket firmly wrapped around her. Again I ask, what if you weren’t there? Who would she have? This statement is a reality check. One you need to think about. She won’t feel the need to get well as long as she has her safety blanket, you, always hovering over her, to give in to her. All that is accomplishing is allowing her to wallow in her own misery and keeping you right where she wants you. This isn’t said lightly or for some kind of punishment. It’s reality. Recovery is possible if she will find the courage to face her demons, which is only what she has created herself. She won’t find the courage if she knows she has a safety blanket so she can remain where she is and not deal with the anxiety. And I’m not advocating you leave your wife but merely you go on living. It’s a delicate balance. Life is not a happily ever after story.

Thanks for the comments. Just searching for my role.

1. Functions Bottom line, she had a nice time, and talks about it with family. That said, arguments, stress, and threats to go without her, are not the nicest way to go to functions but right now, I'm leaving without you is the most effective.

2. Social Her father, she, and my son are adept socially, they can see the timing and dynamics of a group, freely smile and listen, discuss things of interest to the speaker and get a rhythm. My wife never had a problem. Looking at a facility where she went it was sad but true but you could spot many as having some social challenges, but my wife can quickly morph into the same popular person she was. However, later or in the car, Anxiety Jenny appears.

3. Medicine She decided to go off Lexipro which seemed to be doing some modest amount of good. The latest diagnosis is OCD and Luvox was recommended which she has decided not to even try.

4. Therapy She doesn't really open up, or follow instructions and we've gone through 5 therapists. The best comment was made by 2 psychiatrists I consulted, who are you and why are you calling me, I'm her husband, same question, if she is in need why isn't she calling. Having a family member see a need for therapy doesn't help.

5. Interaction I've lost part of our marriage. Like many men, I tend not to want to discuss problems, but you're usually better off sharing things. I worked and began to share through our marriage and it was helpful, my wife could offer reasonable advice, it felt better to unburden myself, if there were problems she was entitled to know.

I don't feel that way now. Some issue arose after I mentioned it to her several weeks ago, she got upset, and I said, I should never, never, never, never have mentioned this to you, everything becomes a problem now any little thing quadrupled in importance, and now I say this is fine, work is fine, house is fine, everything is fine, I feel a lot more stress by internalizing things but her new dysfunctional personality prevents discussion and it comprises, a) look for serious problems in any discussion, maximum stress, b) eliminate good case scenarios, c) create and endlessly repeat worst case scenarios, d) reject any solutions and confirm problem are insoluble, e) allow it to ruin your day along with family members. Given that scenario the last thing I want to do is feed the beast.

Have you considered talking to her about how you feel about her refusal to help herself? That your marriage stinks now and how much stress it’s putting on you? I know marriage is “till death do we part” and I respect that, but she really needs to know how much her condition is affecting you too.

It’s really challenging Bobby. Not sure what the solution is but I think communicating what you both want, to each other, is critical.

I spoke with her therapist today because I wanted to evaluate where things are going. My wife decided to stop taking Lexipro about 2 and a 1/2 weeks ago.

The therapist says she has regressed, her thoughts and affect are negative. She does not think therapy will benefit my wife without medication. Her psychiatrist had recommended Luvox (for OCD) and Ambilify. Historically my wife has been against taking 2 drugs and getting regular compliance with one has been a problem.

I talked to my wife and she maintains the problem is a fungus in her body. When she is stressed she gets paranoic thoughts and delusions. While a doctor did mention a mouth fungus for which my wife took some but not all of the required medicine, her psychiatrist noted that 1) any serious infection would be reflected in blood tests and her tests have been normal, 2) it would result in serious progressive incapacitation requiring hospitalization.
My wife seems not to accept this.

I tell her the obvious, you can choose to have a nice life, enjoy the beach,
go out to nice restaurants, see friends and family, go to concerts, enjoy retirement with the fun to do some great things in a nice house, or you can choose misery over happiness, stay in your bed and house and feel miserable, let your health, nutrition, and body get worse, increase your stress and depression. and spend your last years progressively more and more miserable, it's your choice.

It’s not uncommon for one’s anxiety to be fixated on a certain issue such as her mouth fungus. It’s part of the anxiety, a delusional obsession. Paranoid and delusional thinking is a common manifestation in anxiety. My mother has anxiety as well and her’s manifests in this way. She’s 84. I suffered from delusional thinking too when my anxiety was at it’s worse. Going on with living your life and giving up on trying to talk her into getting ready for an outing, etc. could be the thing that inspires her to get the help she needs. With you giving her no option, “ I’m leaving at 6pm, if you aren’t ready, I am going without you”, and not giving in to her running outside in her nightgown could be the catalyst she needs to decide to seek the help she needs.

Hi Bobby,
I’m just going to be honest that this still seems like a neuro problem, I understand that you said she refuses to get the second MRI that a doctor recommended but it doesn’t rule out that there’s nothing neurological going on. You can’t force her to be the way you want. Especially if you are trying to get her to be ‘logical’ if she’s having legitimate neurological problems that are preventing that it’s literally just doing the same thing over & over & expecting a different result. I’d either try one more time to have a serious (empathetic) talk with her asking if she would just consider the MRI as it could find a puzzle piece you guys are missing & even help. & if she still is against it you’re going to have to let it go until she’s either ready or unfortunately things progress to a point that it’s inevitable. I’m not saying this in a cold way I’m just being super honest.

Also maybe just taking this time to solely work on yourself. Instead of calling her therapist and making that your focus, maybe put all that energy into immersing yourself in therapy for yourself (with complete honesty) to help navigate your situation. But also to help you navigate Bobby & his stuff, because we all have stuff & it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Who knows maybe backing off & not trying to constantly make her do things & working on yourself & taking a little bit of an emotional detachment (still with love of course) maybe might take some pressure off of her & maybe she won’t have such a fear of a demanding judgement & she might feel safe enough on her own to come up to you & tell you that she’s scared & feels something may not be rite, maybe we should get this checked out (neurologist, MRI, ect)

These are all maybes of course & I don’t know exactly just as none of us do. But I do strongly feel that really focusing on helping yourself can help you grieve some things that you might need to grieve like things not working out the way you intended at this time in your life ect. No matter what working on yourself could put you in a much better, grounded space. Also telling someone they are choosing to do these things they are doing could have an opposite effect of the person opening up to you feeling completely lost & too scared to tell you that they aren’t choosing & they are actually really scared

Hope everything I wrote was okay, I really honestly meant it in all good intentions.
No matter what sending you support, hope & many prayers
Gentle hug <3