I am completely astounded. A woman who has lived thru what you describe is a disaster waiting to happen. Regardless of what you think, she was never the woman you seem to think she was. I would bet everything I own that she bore it all until she just couldn’t anymore. I have no other words right now, completely stunned.

"I am completely astounded. A woman who has lived thru what you describe is a disaster waiting to happen. Regardless of what you think, she was never the woman you seem to think she was. I would bet everything I own that she bore it all until she just couldn’t anymore. I have no other words right now, completely stunned."

She said she was happy and I was fortunate to always work, we built a nice house in a family type neighborhood (her sister sadly was in a household facing foreclosure, bankruptcy, etc.), we got along well, and my son was the local sports star and we enjoyed his popularity and events. The number of serious fights we had before the last 2 years was very small. She got consistently good reviews at work.

We went on say 20 cruises, vacationed in a timeshare every year, and she was extremely happy in retirement. One could say she was a perfectionist but handled things well, and that tendency only became a problem when she let herself down.

Objectively things are good now. We just purchased a new home.
Her anger seems to be that she ruined everything, that she was very happy, decided to move, couldn't find a house and took a very happy life and made herself and family miserable. She didn't vocalize a lot, but didn't seem to want to.

Both my older and younger sons are very strong on therapy for themselves . He would say she would tend to stuff things down but again seemed very happy. I can see depression and anxiety and what she's feeling now is tremendously different from then.

I do think they have a family history of OCD. Her sister is constantly and repetitively voicing political views, her mother coincidentally also had a nervous breakdown around a move and became unceasingly negative about the same time in life.

I do appreciate your advice and support Lilmissy. I did schedule a second MRI but she did not want to go. I think the notion of convincing her by saying I have some cookies if you're a good girl and go is unrealistic. It is strange because when she had cancer, she would go to each and every test without question.

It's not just me, her sister chastized her when she didn't go for the MRI and follows up more than me.

Oh man yea that’s super hard if she’s refusing to go.
I mean maybe you can bring it up in therapy, & discuss how it’s to be safe & you care about her & just want to make sure she’s physically okay? I know that’s no guarantee though & since you can’t make an adult do something that they refuse to do that’s definitely a tough situation
I’m gonna try to keep faith for something good
One day at a time, one moment at a time
Gentlest of hugs <3

I’m astounded as well. While I respectfully disagree with your generalizations about what most women are like, I don’t think never complaining signifies she was once a happy go lucky, easy going person. I don’t know of course but I suspect she created a bit of a facade as a coping mechanism. She experienced significant trauma (leaving children- huge! ) and just went along to get along. That eventually catches up with people if they never actually deal with the emotional and mental impact. To me this explains so much.

Also just an aside. I have anxiety, struggled with eating disorders, have experienced a lot of trauma in my childhood/teenage years, etc. If you met me, you would never guess that about me. Outwardly, I’m very direct, engaging, gregarious and confident. I am very good at making others feel comfortable, and have been called the life of the party. All of this is to say that what we present to the world, our friends, our family, our coworkers, even those closest to us, is not always a reflection of what is happening inside.

I think there's some poor phrasing that may have created a misunderstanding here. I wrote, "She left a baby and older child and moved 1,000 miles to be with her parents," She left With the baby and older child and they all moved in with her parents for a couple of years. She adopted to the situation, there were undoubtedly challenges, and I mentioned it because I was surprised she did not engage in significant therapy. But no, she would always put her children first.

Her childhood was I think fairly good. She's a pretty woman, did some department store modeling, was never abused, had a few boyfriends, good social skills and a reasonably good life.

My wife handled things well while we've been married and had a good circle of friends. (in her first divorce, her husband's mother blamed him). Because she was confident, she was not looking to compete with other women. When a husband of a friend made some inappropriate approaches, she was upset, not complimented at the attention, and happy it ended.

I do think she didn't develop the coping abilities that many women and some men have (we'll agree to disagree on the stereotyping issue). And the dramatic change in personality is something that she herself is trying to figure out, blaming it on a fungus first, and now recently on the vaccine or effects of Covid. Her best friend for 50+ years is a psychiatrist and sadly but correctly predicted Agarophobia seeing similarities between my wife and her mother who remained largely in the house in her 60's.

Hopefully the interplay between someone dealing with a family member with serious anxiety is helpful on both sides in this group. My therapist is sort of a translator telling me what my wife means, and how I may be perceived.
It is possible that my wife pushed things down and did not confront issues and now they can't be pushed back in the box as one son put it. Hard conversations easy life, easy conversations hard life, someone said

And it would be good for her to deal with such issues in therapy and if part of that process were confronting issues in our marriage, that's fine.

I think its not only me but the various therapists trying to figure out why she isn't getting better or trying to do so. Her therapist will provide modest suggestions like make an appt for a hair appt, or organize clothes and they won't be followed. And unlike many other people, she doesn't seem to want to initiate tough conversations with friends, family members, or therapists.

Several friends say that she seems pleasant and fine, but shifts discussions away from herself. We did see a neighborhood lady and my wife and I had a nice conversation with her.

Your wife is typical of any person with anxiety and depression. The resistance is on par for her condition, in fact all her behavior is typical of a&d. It is not cured overnight and a trip to the hairdresser won’t fix it. She needs to face her issues herself, no one can make her do it unless she wants to. Acceptance on her part, that she has a&d, that there is no shame in it, that she is not perfect and she doesn’t have to be are the key components to begin recovery. It’s her choice to make. Until then, there will be no real change in her. It takes time for recovery, lots of it. That’s where tough love comes in on your part. You can’t pander to her, you must go on as YOU normally would. It could give her the inspiration she needs to attempt to help herself. Seeing you go on as normal could make her think about what she is doing to herself and start desiring to feel normal again.

And she coped with a lot of alcohol -- I think you said daily or almost daily 4-5 glasses of something? Many people do this.

She has also had a lot of stress in her life. She may have ignored all of that, and then eventually fell apart. Or if she drank long enough and enough per week, her brain is altered/damaged at this point.

Let me say that the coping well that you thought you saw is different from some of our perspectives. I see her as swallowing a lot of stress, stuffing it down. Bad for our bodies, bad for our minds. She accommodated a lot of demands, without speaking up about her needs. She coped by using alcohol and maybe other things. People do. But that isn't really coping, drinking is another form of stuffing. From hiding from the bad things in our lives.

Perhaps what you saw as strong really wasn't. Sometimes we don't know what we don't know. I wasn't there, I only know from what I read that you wrote. I do know this is very hard on you. Difficult to see the forest from the trees. Difficult to live with and love someone who is having this kind of brain health crisis or disorder. Whatever it is. I show empathy and compassion to you because I do a lot of direct and blunt speaking to you. No need to "yes, but" this post. You get to decide what works for you and let the rest go. I wish you the best in figuring things out. From my in-law experience with similar behavior, this is a tough one.

Thanks as always for the insightful replies. Feel free to express your views, direct, blunt, is fine, I welcome the feedback and has hasty said I need to figure out what I can incorporate as I can just do what's in my control.

1. She would drink 4-5 glasses of wine at a party on a weekend or weekday gathering. Fairly limited alcohol during the week. She would use alcohol or vacations to decompress rather than vocalizing problems. A family member was an alcoholic and he maintained she was not because she could control her intake.

2. A big problem is the day after pleasant events. She seems close to normal smiling, happy, enjoying herself. However the next day after a happy event seems difficult. As an analogy, imagine you go on a 5th date, things work well, he stays over it's a nice night and he wakes up in a grumpy mood and you try to figure out why and what changed. Why aren't you the same happy person as the night before.

3. Last night everyone was dancing (big family get together) at this disco after dinner, nieces, etc. my wife was too, but complains her feet hurt. As you get older perhaps that's normal but my wife used to walk 3 miles and tire me out.
Now she gets freaked out by some foot pain and worse seems completely unable to address it, I suggest pedicure, we have podiatrist appt, how about compression socks, special shoes, 100% of her approach to the problem is complaining about it and doing nothing. I found a foot reflexologist and she wouldn't go.

4. Her psychiatrist suggested medicine to address OCD which has been diagnosed several times and I believe she, her sister, and mother had it.
My wife is somewhat anti-medicine and her sister virulently so, so what do you do.

After the dancing, she woke up saving, everything was fine, everything was fine, 15 times. And how should I respond, a smile or comforting word seems to accomplish nothing. After trying to be reassuring at 3:00 for maybe 20 minutes, I said fine, I'm sleeping upstairs if you keep doing this. On a 1-10 scale, it's very hard to have someone voicing problems at a 10 but with a 1 in terms of interest in resolving it.

5. Her problem-solving skills have changed. She would literally deal with life and death situations in a hospital and had patients code on the table. She received outstanding reviews and could deal with a wide range of demanding situations at work, candidly well beyond my capabilities. Yet now her ability to what she wants for a dinner poses a challenge.

Her skills as a nurse are learned and become as automatic as breathing. So too is her learned behavior with anxiety. What you describe is typical for anxiety and depression. If she’s laying in the bed all day, not getting exercise, it’s no wonder her feet hurt. The body suffers from her inactivity, which is what’s wrong with her feet. No podiatrist can fix that. If you don’t use it, you lose it. You have to accept the fact that she has anxiety and depression and it’s up to her to help herself. That’s why going on with your own life is important. It’s hard on both of you but it’s unreasonable and not helping her to desire to get well for herself. Again I ask, what if you weren’t there anymore? Who would she lean on? She needs to learn how to lean on herself. Stop letting her use you for safety and security. I know it goes against the grain, but for her to want to get well, which is entirely possible, she has to want it and with you pandering to her every whim, that’s not going to happen any time soon. Stop trying to solve her problem, you can’t.

Good and insightful post mtd. Some practical questions.

Going to appt We're up in Ct with her sister. Sis' daughter is very nice and arranged for a nail and pedicure today. My wife went, smiled, seemed happier, did the dishes that night and was close to normal. However, before was a problem. Appt at 2:30.

I remind her of appt around 1:45. while I'm working. Go to check at 2:00, not ready. Suggest she get dressed. Have an important call and arrange it. 2:10 remind her to get ready, now she's calling people instead of getting ready. 2:15, tell her please, please get ready. Sister calls, daughter will be coming over.

On my important call and 2:20, see she's still in her nightgown. Put person on hold twice, ask wife, please, please get ready and she drops her usual bomb I decided not to go.

Now alternately trying to tell the call to hold and persuade my wife. Why do we have to keep doing self-destructive unproductive things, later a granddaughter will privately mention that one toenail is long and unsightly. Why does there have to be constant stress doing something that will be enjoyable and productive, can't you realize what this stress is doing to you.

And to me, I had a horrible headache the night before, I'm getting one now, my heart is racing, why do you want to stress me out, endanger my health, stop yourself from getting better, why do you have to do these things that frustrate your yourself, and stress me out.

Night before I had to spend a weekend night, which should be relaxing arguing with her sister. The argument is the usual. I have family members
saying, she's not taking her medicine, you need to monitor compliance, she's not doing what she's supposed to which is largely true.

And her sister from the opposite perspective. How long do we have to wait, how bad does she have to stay, before you finally realize these drugs ARE NOT but hurting, making her worse. And then I have to explain her history, explain that it's unlikely that harm will arise at small doses, and note at least 5 times during the holiday, loudly, that she has never, never, adhered to a treatment plan, that we cannot go to an appt saying doctor we've done what you recommended, please evaluate- instead a psychiatrist is constantly trying to evaluate a program or drug regimen he did not recommend because my wife for example, does not want to take 2 drugs, is suspicious of the drug he recommended, and is not taking the medicine consistently as prescribed.

And if my wife joined by her sister is so suspicious of drugs that why doesn't she do the things that will make her better, get dressed, exercise, meet with people, organize a schedule, cook, do yoga and meditation.

You are literally enabling her behavior. No different than enabling an alcoholic or druggie. Tough love is not pandering to her, giving up the notion you can cajole her into getting dressed and going to appts, dinner, taking her meds, etc. Stop the behavior, for yourself and her. It’s not helping as you can see. You have to hand the responsibility back to her for her own well being. You are becoming part of her “system.” Her safety net, being dragged into her world and she will do her best to keep you there with her as long as she doesn’t have to face reality. And the true reality is that she could recover if only she wanted to badly enough. But with you enabling her, she won’t find the desire and courage to do it. And leave the family out of the equation. None of them know what it’s like to have anxiety and depression to the extent your wife does. This is not something one just snaps out of or recovers from quickly. Drugs/meds will not change the way she thinks, not possible, it’s something she has to do herself if she wants to be well again.

The USA CDC says healthy drinking is one or less than one alcoholic drink per day for women. Two or less alcoholic drinks per day for men. You describe binge drinking on vacations, social events, or weekends. Which is also a problem and bad for our brains and bodies.

I am pointing out to you that this amount of alcohol per session is not a sign of highly functioning. It is a sign of coping with alcohol and even addiction. It might help you to recognize the deep seated nature of whatever is wrong with how her brain functions. If she has stopped coping with alcohol at this time, then whatever the alcohol was masking will come out in the open.

Now for her feet, well my feet hurt, too. I have chronic pain. And I am not in bed all day. Her shoes may be too small, too tight, or too flat with no arch support or too high of heels - or need more cushion and arch support, have arthritis, etc. Women's shoes are notoriously painful or cause foot problems. I am so glad my husband doesn't think I am nuts or faking it.

Perhaps consider two things. One, people with chronic pain or chronic illness do find that the next day after a rigorous activity their pain level is higher and they are way way tired. Two, this also reminds me of what happens with people who have some form of "dementia or brain health disorder" (using the global terms) in that they have a good day followed by a really bad day or sleep filled day.

Now I know it is very difficult for you. I am pointing out that you could make your life easier if you changed how you think about "her problem." Stop assuming she "should be" functioning on a higher level and recognize that she needs help with activities of daily living. So much stress when you assume she should get ready with your nagging. Learn that this nagging does not work. And then when she can't get ready or do normal activities of daily living, it becomes something of huge frustration for you. And stress giving for you. Something has to change or your own health will start to suffer. You will have to change both your behaviors and how you think about her issues, she is not capable at this time.

MTD wrote, "You are literally enabling her behavior. No different than enabling an alcoholic or druggie. Tough love is not pandering to her." There was a change.

A cousin had a wedding and it was a wonderful time to get together with everyone, wedding are particularly meaning after Covid.

1. Initial problems

My wife seemed ready. We weren't sure we were invited to the rehearsal dinner and I boldly wrote the bride's mother who graciously invited us. Then the usual, I start suggesting she dress 3 hours before, requests for 5 or 10 minutes, delays and stress, and then she suggests we don't go. I'm mad, my friends her have seen the script (remember the book the Games People Play).

2. We go to the wedding, anxiety is no longer in control

Now its the wedding day, she's supposed to be ready in the morning but the same routine and now is 11:30, nothing has been done, is and we have to get to the hotel and shuttle. I tell her I'm stressed I need to get away, I am going out at 12:15 and will leave for the wedding at 1, no, no, no she retorts, yes, you don't want to go. This time its different. She's ready at 12:50, I have to rush and scramble but leave, and she's now stressed we'll be late. We get to the hotel, she gets dressed.

She seems to have a wonderful time. I saw her smiling for one of the first time in months, she's happy to see cousins, other family, see a wonderful
wedding.

She dances for it seems like a an hour and a half, while my knee bothers me a little. We then go to an afterparty and have a great time. We get an Uber, it seems to be going the wrong away, and Anxiety who feels it's been neglected chimes in, we're going the wrong way I know it, but its just a different way.

We wake up surprisingly early and go to a nice post-wedding breakfast. She knows she accomplishes something, had a nice time, feet could not have been a real problem if you dance for an hour and a half but I know anxiety will want to chime in and cause a problem.