and don't forget to work on your own issues so that you are not continually projecting them onto the victim your savior complex is pushing you to rescue. i seem to recall stories that even moses was less than perfect. maybe. . . i am neither jewish nor christian, so the stories i've heard are pretty far removed from the source.

But Arfie, let's make this clear, my wife's current situation is not working for her. I have a family member, went through a bitter divorce, now dates sparingly not interested in remarriage, keeps to himself, but that's working for him. For my wife, she talks about getting her life back, wants to be what she was but somehow is not taking the steps to do that.

Imagine a woman friend who says she slept with 11 guys in the last 5 months. Now if she says she happy with the situation that's her choice, but if she says, I feel empty, exploited, depressed, and worthless but says she's going to the same bar, don't you tell her this isn't working.

Since we can bang heads as friends Arfie, let me say this, it's not just me projecting a savior complex. I have at least 10 friends, family members, our children, telling me this. They are consistently saying that I need to be more assertive, take more steps on my own, dictate more, and that my passivity and accomodation to her moods is not helping anyone.

It is very difficult to put one’s self in someone else’s shoes without having experienced what that person is experiencing. In the case of Moses, it was not Moses, but God who showed Moses how to deal with Pharaoh. God is who saw what was in Pharaoh’s heart, not Moses. It was God who hardened Pharaoh’s header, made water come from the rock, parted the Red Sea. Moses was only an instrument God used to free His children. Be careful what you allow into your mind, it can be misleading. As for the situation you find yourself in, it is very difficult to deal with, I’m certain of that. On the other side of the issue is your wants and needs. They are valid, you are human after all. I think this is where we have to learn how to put our own wants and needs aside for the other person as best we can and try to do the best we can. Being human makes us imperfect. We have to look at and determine what that other person needs from us without our own needs clouding the issue. Honesty and truth are always the best way to approach any situation, along with strength to do what is necessary. Love is also important, but it is many things. When we love, we have to accept that it is not always warm, tender hearted. It is also strength and wisdom to do what is in the best interest of the person you love. It may not be pretty at times, just as God has shown us by His punishment on the people of Israel. He did what was necessary to bring His children out of idolatry. He opened the ground and swallowed up those that would try to make a mockery of Him. Did He want to do that? No. But He had to do it to bring His children back to Him. And it hurt Him to do it, but He did it because He loved them.

I will say this. When you replace the title, name, and details of persons involved in the connection with a generic description (such as A, B, C or 1, 2, 3), and write it out in that format, it's a lot easier to see the event as it happens without any past information being included.

For me, I use the stop, pause, option, repeat until calm, much more frequently during the long-term challenge of remaining clam and keeping the words simple as I continue to heal from a significant lifestyle change quietly.

My choice in choosing peace for my well-being has provided me with a better view of normal conversation and stepping back for me first, no matter what.

In knowing that your wife's current situation is not working for her, here's another piece of the puzzle, is the current situation working for you in some way?

Once I asked myself that question, I realized that I needed to change one important detail in the process. Having done that, improvement is slowly happening.

That was a real eye opener for me, and rather than beat myself up, I started to be more careful in my choice of words surrounding a common situation.

Here's to healing, however it happens.

Really well said, Mid.

Bobby this is such a challenging situation. It’s really hard on a marriage when a partner is dealing with a mental or physical issue. I think your children, friends and family are putting way too much pressure on you to “handle” your wife. I know they care about your wife and think, well you should just do something. I mean, don’t they think if you could, you already would have done so? They don’t quite grasp what a tremendous burden and unrealistic expectation that is putting on you.

I don’t think being passive and tiptoeing around your wife is the answer but maybe the question needs reevaluating. Maybe it’s not how do I help my wife but how do I help myself, so you can retain some autonomy and find balance for yourself. You can’t control your wife, her mental health, her inability to regulate herself at this time. But you can control how you choose to respond, how you ensure your own well being is also a priority, and where your own lines may need to be drawn, with her but also friends and family.

One day at a time, one moment at a time
((((Abrazos)))) <3

Seeming good news, let me review yesterday. We had a function in our new neighborhood. My wife went to the dinner and enjoyed herself. She's pretty, and a good conversationalist. She liked the people at the dinner and took the opportunity to tell some family members, friends, and her therapist she went. She seemed proud of herself.

Now the other side. Dinner is at 6. I mention it, she indicates she hopes to go. Around 4:30, I am telling her to try to get dressed. and we get to the usual- wait 5 minutes, I'll be ready in 10 minutes, just wait and as usual, 5:30, then 5:40 arrives and nothing has been done. and she says I just don't feel up to going.

I ask her a few more times, and follow the instruction of my therapist and a couple of her's, you can stay hope and I'm going. I know my son was home and could be called. No, I don't want you to go, please don't go, and unlike other times, I get in my car and she runs after me in a nightgown in cold weather. I say the obvious, why do we have to have 2 hours of stress when I can't do any work sapping the fun out of what should be a nice event.

Reluctantly, she agrees to take a shower, slowly gets dressed and we show up close to an hour and a half late, coming in just as someone she knows is leaving.

Her therapist does this as a good step. New Jenny is almost always late while the person I married was on time. Again if my wife was the shy, studious type, staying home could be fine, but she's not happy without her friend, and has always been a social person comfortable in many situation.

Hi Bobby,
Did you guys get neurological testing yet or the second MRI that the doctor suggested to see if she’s okay? I hope she is okay
hug <3

Btw I’m not trying to be all up in your cool aide, just feel empathy for your wife when you write some of the stuff you write. Feel empathy for you too but overwhelming empathy for her because my experience with a family member that went through similar. & for a while it just felt like everyone was being super hard on her for a disease she couldn’t control. Like it wasn’t a moral issue for her, she wasn’t being irresponsible or trying to be an inconvenience, she was scared.

I hope that you guys can get more to the bottom of what’s going on, then there can be different options ahead that you guys can try to explore that can maybe help you guys deal with some of the stuff you’re going through

Gentle hug to you both <3

Bobby were these two outings 2 nights in a row? If so I am wondering if she just needs more time now in between social outings to decompress, relax, reset, etc. just a thought.

Just a thought.

Sorry for the confusion, the story is about one evening told from 2 perspectives.* Thanks for the comments lilmissy, and I do feel sorry for her and and it can be hard to have your kids be tough with you. I did check with another endocrinologist who said her readings were normal. Do have to get what will be the 3d test, initial Ct Scan, then MRI read as normal. With a full-time job taking about 60 hours a week, cooking 2 meals a day and cleaning, there's just a lot to do.


I'm reminded of a N.Y Times food reviewer who wanted to write 2 separate reviews of a restaurant, the 1st when they didn't know her dressed in a drab outfit, kept her waiting, put her at a lousy table with so-so service and the second while she was recognized and got star treatment with incredible food. My middle son is a chef at a fancy hotel, one time some well-known stars came in and the waiter excitedly says you know who here we need to make sure everything is really good, no we should do that for everyone who eats here my son retorted.

Bobby, may I ask a question? How old is your wife and how old are you?

Old Jenny will no longer be your wife, that personality is gone. It may peak in now and then. Former Jenny personality is no longer in the marriage if you can accept this fact. New Jenny is the reality. That is the hard thing.

It’s the same old thing over and over. She refuses to get ready and then runs down the street in her nightgown. At dinner time still in her nightgown! A home health aide who comes in the morning or after lunch could cheerfully get Jenny washed up and dressed for activities of the day. Try something new instead of fighting her. Make it something fun for her not punishment or because she’s too (fill in the blank). We are going to have a helper in the house, Jenny. This will be great for both of us. Give Jenny a month or two to be accepting of the change as it goes along. Start but also allow her to complain. She’ll say she doesn’t need help so pretend it’s not about her needing help. It’s about the two of you needing help at the house because you work so much, etc.

I know there is not a final diagnosis but with dementia, the skills of bathing, brushing teeth, getting dressed become things people simply can’t do. Yes, some mental illnesses follow that pattern so it can be confusing. You telling her or expecting her to get dressed on her own, by herself, seems defeatist and creates more frustration. If you could accept that poor Jenny simply can’t do these things on her own, maybe you could figure out alternatives so you have less stress, too. I suspect she automatically pushes back against what you want.

So your relatives and adult children want you to do things differently. For a person who likes control, all these suggestions can be frustrating. I’m wondering which ones would be willing to come stay in the house with Jenny while you go to social events? I am seriously suggesting you seek help so you can go on time and find some enjoyment in life. Do something different. The old struggle to force her to change is not working.

I can see why you do what you do. You want some control over your life and peace of mind, you long for your old life back. Millions of spouses feel this way when the other spouse has a health deterioration. When you can accept the changed Jenny, you will find ways to change yourself that help give you more peace and less frustration.

Get those harping friends and relatives to come sit with Jenny a morning or evening each week. Try something new. Be open to your own change or you may end up under major stress and physical deterioration.

I had a further thought. What if you start a thinking shift within yourself that Jenny does need help with her activities of daily living? Some days she won’t, of course. Just consider this thought change. Instead of assuming she can always and should always do her own ADLs. Instead of fighting her, reminding her, accept she is no longer capable of doing this stuff by herself on her own. Find a way to get the help she needs rather than letting her flounder under normal deadlines and then confronting issues. Confronting issues with a person who simply can’t or isn’t capable is useless. If you can’t make bathing and dressing and eating a fun game with you helping her, then paid help will remove a lot of stress. She won’t fight her new friend caregiver as much as she fights you. Just try something new. Your job may need to reduce hours or you get paid help. You can’t continue like you are doing now. It’s not helping you and you aren’t able to get things done like the MRI and the housework, cooking, working so much. Something has to give in. It’s your choice to keep pushing her to be different or give in to reality and find new ways. I hope you will change your thinking. If she broke her hip, you wouldn’t tell her she has 10 more minutes to get ready, hopefully you’d say let me help you get washed and dressed. My husband helped me after shoulder surgery but we both knew it was short time, 3-4 weeks. You are looking at forever, which can kind of twist ourselves into pretzels. It’s your choice, Bobby, but I encourage you to do something different at this point. Life has changed and your marriage has changed. Now you are the caregiver spouse which you may not like (no shame here!).

Thanks for the advice, you are bright people who should be proud of your knowledge, insight, and compassion.

My therapist keeps asking me what does your wife gain by her behavior, why is she doing it, everything has a reason. A good friend of her's just floated a theory.

She suggested her behavior reflects a desire to punish herself. While my wife had been forgiving of my or her children's failings, she had not had the occasion to confront her own. Her first divorce involved her husband cheating, she has been an excellent mother, good wife (my mom once said I don't know how she puts up with you), good friend, and stellar employee. We went on say 20 trips and nothing went wrong attributable to her, reservations were made and confirmed, in 30 years, never got a bad review at work. Kids would also say until recently mom was loving, patient, and forgiving.

So now you have this person who's been happy but expects a lot from herself and in her mind failed, everyone with house choices. Her friend's theory is now she's punishing herself, believing herself unworthy of happiness. What she gains by not going out, not putting on makeup is to punish herself. Add to that some insecurity that recently developed. .

Whatever her reason, she is no longer capable or able of getting herself ready. She is in her nightgown all day, you do all the cooking, and frankly you are running the house and trying to work way way long hours. So if she is not capable, then what change can you make within you to accommodate her needs?

She is not going to change and I am sorry about this distressing situation for you. Life sometimes turns out way differently than we expected or hoped for.

You push against her brain health issues and she pushes against your saying an. hour, 30 minutes, 10 minutes, I'll see you later. Who will stop the pushing first? She simply can't, so will you?

I feel for you. You both are locked into a battle of wills or minds and it isn't good for either of you. I worry about your health, too. You go down health wise and where is Jenny left?

You obviously love her and want a good life with her. You want her to have enjoyable social times. Yet, I think your need for control works against you. None of this is clear or fixable easily and it must be extremely stressful for you. I wish you the best. I hope you can find some little ways to make your life better instead of fighting against reality. You also deserve a break.