We had a nice meeting last night with my son. Like many family members and friends, he believes we need to furnish our new house and that the lack of that contributes to her depression. He's pretty good with decorating, and we were able to make a lot of progress, she was sensible and calm in picking out a living room couch and other furnishing. It will be pretty expensive, but if it helps it will be worth it I think.

However, after that good day, she was talking in the night and even in the morning saying I don't like it here, I want to get out. It seems like whenever progress is being made, anxiety Jenny tries to step in to f- it up for my wife and me, trying to maintain the depressed, stressful, dysfunctional existence Anxiety Jenny seems to like, and regular Jenny, myself and other family member abhor.

When she started with this stuff rather than yelling or confrontation, I just went upstairs, and will be doing this more often.

An acquaintance in the neighborhood is playing in a band at a local spot and we hope to go. Recently, just saying I will go and physically getting in the car has been effective, while trying to talk or reason has not.

While getting in the car to leave seems to light a fire in her, it is still manipulation on her part as she drags her feet getting ready, etc. She now knows that she can still manipulate you into waiting on her. Not good. Think about it.

So some good news. Our son was featured on a story about farm to table restaurants and interviewed on NBC My wife was excited and for a change, didn't go to sleep early but we watched White Lotus (people spend a lot of money on a vacation and things go wrong). She seems in a reasonable mood today too and was also happy to get an invitation to a family wedding.

Still up and down, before hearing the news, my wife was not keen on doing her therapy.

I did ask her about the new Brain MRI and she said she didn't want to get that done, last one was with an Ativan but she's off that. We're still looking and evaluating a bunch of things but people with dementia sadly suffer a continuation deterioration in neurologicial functioning and do not get better even with good news.

Part of this is not me, but my therapist telling me to look at the positive things and she sees some modest progress. I told her I wasn't sure and at best it's like the stock market, up, up down, down, up, down, up, down, up up up, down.

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Yes, dementia as you called it is up and down, each day different, and the caregiver can't usually depend or expect a good day. Have you heard of the term "sundowning"? It means that for many people with dementia, they get exceptionally illogical and uncooperative when the sun goes down.

Good for you that you found a way to change your own reactions, behaviors, etc. You went upstairs so you didn't stand there arguing with her. There will be modest progress when you change how you react and think as you are finding. I dislike the thinking that we look to Jenny to make modest progress. I am not sure you can ask Jenny for her permission to take the MRI but you will likely need to find a better way to approach things with her. The MRI will show how her brain is functioning, if there are signs of certain dementias and I think you need to know what is going on. She has a brain health disorder of some kind. I think you are going to need help as she likes to push back against you and has a lot of fear and irrationality.

You don't have to "look on the bright side" if it doesn't fit your situation. Not all therapists are skilled if I am honest with you. Some have no clue. You might need to join a support group for caregivers in your situation. Your life is changing also. Jenny's brain health disorder means your life as you knew it is over. How you cope with that life change could be a topic for therapy for support and increasing resilience within yourself. To build resilience within yourself.

It is not an easy situation you face but what I hear from you is a change in your own attitude about "dealing with" Jenny. And I give you praise for that aspect.

Imagine a woman friend who says she slept with 11 guys in the last 5 months. Now if she says she happy with the situation that's her choice, ??? lol Good night.

I know I have mentioned possibly testing for dementia. Neuropsychological testing can help give insight into potential early stages of dementia.

With that said, I don’t know if your wife has dementia or not. Certainly early onset dementia can mirror other mental health issues. And in the early stages there is a lot of up and down, from very “normal” acting to some really bad days. I guess I’d be cautious of anyone diagnosing anyone here but anecdotally, my mom has dementia and it took several rounds of different tests over a two year period got a definitive diagnosis. Conversely, your wife could also have any one of the many types of mental illness. Obviously, it’s really for a professional to evaluate and diagnose.

In the mean time, I think trying to roll with the ups and downs, and trying to maintain some boundaries for yourself is a very good step in your own well being.

Just so you understand, if you are watching closely for improvement, anxiety issues do not improve overnight or in a few days. It takes a lot of time for any LASTING improvement . Learned behavior does not respond to any therapy quickly. It could be months before any change is detected and that is only when a person is actually willingly making an effort to recover. Your wife doesn’t seem to fit that criteria. It might get ugly if you insist on the testing, which does seem to be necessary. The longer you drag your feet, the longer you wait for answers. If it’s a neurological problem, you have to change tactics and start being a caregiver instead of a husband. With anxiety, it’s an entirely different scenario. But it’s up to you at this point if answers will be found. Your wife clearly isn’t going to cooperate on her own. The ball is in your court. The reason I say this is, as I said before, it is unusual for anxiety symptoms to appear this late in life. It usually manifests in early adulthood. The way you have described her behavior early on is not that of an anxious person. All the more reason for the testing. At this point I’d say no is not an option.

More advice requested.

Update Two weeks ago, my wife did well in some respects. She went to our neighborhood dinner and our temple also. She does well in social situations, seemingly loses her worries, is a good listener adapts to other people's tempo, and is well-liked. Went to her sister's and came come without significant problem. But issues continue.

1. Furniture We bought a new house. Basically after she rejected at least 10 houses and after living in 3 rentals, 2 family or friend's home and maybe 6 hotels, I finally chose a new one in a new development. She complains about it, and I have on occasion said, fine, I''ll retire, move into a trailer park and since you don't like either you'll be just as happy there right.

30 years ago, we bought a home in a family development and my wife enjoyed meeting new people. Family members say she is unhappy because this house is largely unfurnished. However, she seems uninterested in buying furniture and my sons are frustrated as she procrastinates and they blame me for not getting a decision done. My son has worked hard to prompt her to pick without success.

They say fine, if she can't choose we will. However I see a scenario where I plunk down say $15,000 for furniture and just hear complaints.

3. Food She eats poorly and shopping is a problem. If I buy a block of cheese she will eat most of it in one day. She wanted ice-cream, I suggested she take a single large bowl but then she took 3 bowls finishing off the ice cream and then periodically farting much of the day. Getting her to shower can be a problem.

4. Son's loss of job My son worked in a high-profile job and was even seen recently on NBC. However, in a corporate situation, he was fired, basically he told an employee he needed to come on time gave him a bad review, that employee complained and ultimately both were fired.

He is dealing with it, but my wife calls repeatedly calling 6 times yesterday and urging me to call this morning. I did, said your mom's upset, he said I'm fine but tell her to stop calling and she thought I should have made up a story that I needed to speak with him which was obviously untrue.

I am really not getting why your sons are inserting themselves into your home furnishings. Why is it their business? I’m not trying to be a jerk but geez they seem awfully ensconced in something that had nothing to do with them. Or if it’s that important to them, then they can pick out the furniture but pay for it themselves. That way if your wife hates it there is no financial loss to you.

Your son should tell his mom directly to stop calling, not drag you into it. And you tell your wife you are not calling him. Period. Your adult children really seem put the management of their mother on you.

As far as her diet and not showering, it could be due depression or what other mental health issues she may have. Dunno. I think food is a touchy subject for a lot of people so I’d tread lightly with monitoring or commenting on her eating habits to her. A lot of this for her might be tied to emotional eating/comfort eating. I have a long history of emotional and disordered eating and my husband has learned what my boundaries are when it comes to him inserting himself into what and how much I put into my mouth.

Thanks for the comments RMB always appreciated. Sons giving advice is Male 101, someone comes to you
with a problem you try to solve it. My wife talks about her unhappiness, they all believe (pretty much everyone) that she would be happier in the house if it were furnished properly. I buy into that somewhat but believe she would be happier if she picked out things she liked and furnished it that way but she has great difficulty doing that and is generally uninterested in going to furniture stores.

Along with mental health treatment they believe making the house comfortable and becoming will help.

It is true that they ask me to act as a buffer sometimes and my therapist has also condemned this type of triankulation. .

Hi Bobby,
I do hope you can get neurological testing done, (the other recommended MRI) ect. so then you can get more of a clear idea of what’s going on. I mean if something neurological is happening furniture isn’t really going to be the answer & you might not want to waste your time on things that aren’t going to help or make a difference.

I’d go off getting the medical assessments rather than opinions of friends and family anyways.

Thinking & wishing the best for you & Jenny. Keep reaching out as much as you need, we’re here for you friend. I would have wrote more but my migraines have been kinda bothering me. Hope what I wrote nothing too blunt, I just wanted to be of any support if I can, you have my support for sure

Sending support, strength & many prayers
Gentle hug <3

Ps I will light a nice candle for you, obviously this stuff is stressful and I think it’s really nice how much you love your wife <3 (don’t forget how awesome you are okay)

I’m so happy for you that you are seeing a therapist, Bobby. Your emotional and mental health matters too. I don’t mean to sound condescending but truly, give yourself a pat on the back for the self care.

The food issue is very very likely a symptom of whatever is wrong in her brain. So please consider food as a brain health disorder. If she had cancer, you'd expect her appetite to be off. She eats that one food, cheese or ice cream, because it is easy for her, and because she still knows how to eat it. When she goes someplace and is served a meal, she eats that because it is put before her. She doesn't have to make decisions.

Tough stuff for you as the caregiver spouse who so desperately wants her to be normal again, a partner again, and not have such issues as you are dealing with.

Sometimes she acts more "normal" and this is good to enjoy while it lasts that day - but her new normal is something way different than everyone expects her to be.

The greatest gift of love you can give her is to pursue diagnosis and get her more help in her activities of daily living. A paid caregiver in the house would redirect her from eating all the ice cream or cheese. Or if you can retire and stop working, you can monitor her 24/7 and have way less stress. Make your job as her full time caregiver, dress her, bathe her, feed her, etc. Some of this you may already be doing, I know you said you prepare two meals a day. The key here is redirecting her without fighting her and helping her with her activities of daily living.

I know you really love her and are trying to manage this brain health disorder problem. I can tell it upsets you to have the wife change right before your eyes. I truly understand your own suffering. Now she needs you to be the care giver and this is probably a huge change in your marriage.

I am going to echo lil missy about pushing to get the MRI done. Procrastinating on a diagnosis is the wrong thing to do.

I might suggest that buying more furniture might be a waste of your money unless YOU want it and can pick out something without her. If she slides downhill fast, and needs to be in a memory care facility next year, would you, could you, stay in that big house? New furniture is not going to make the wife able to process things like she used to. And it might just upset her more.

Your son or sons don't understand about brain health disorders such as early dementia and give you bad advice. I am sorry to be so blunt. They may have college degrees and at one time were earning a ton of money, but they are clueless about your wife and her needs at this time.

Go on the Alzheimers website and get more educated. Reach out to them for support and information or help. They have support groups for the caregiver family members and the patient. I am not diagnosing her but that website has a lot of good advice, real advice, for people in your situation. Take care of yourself by pursuing that MRI. You guys have to know the truth of whatever is going on with her.

Thanks again for taking the time to write.

1. Brain scan. You've convinced me to work harder to get the new MRI done.

2. Alzheimer's No matter how much ways you spin it, a central component of Alzheimer's is memory loss, and my wife has an above average one.

When I misplaced my keys she said check your jacket and when I misplaced my phone, check the car. So I'm looking for something else and that may be a neurological one, but what is it. Both my parents had mild Alzheimers but no problem making decisions and gradual deterioration not apparent with my wife. I'm not trying to avoid any decision, I spent 15 minutes in NY after a 2 hour drive trying to get her in the neurologist's office.

Rather than a loss of memory, she has kind of strange delusions. Her friend called and she seemed a little short then told me- she's lying, just like her other friend. She said my brother was lying and has some schizophrenic type thoughts which seem less but still pop up.

3.. Caregiver Do note my son tried hard to provide a caregiver under his insurance. When the lady came, my wife insisted on leaving the house and then when we came back insisted that the woman leave.

4. Agarophobia and Self-image We were going to a parade today. Supposed to leave at 12;30, and she spent the next 1 hour and 1/2, saying she was going to get ready, I got in my car, but she said she's come but had nothing under her nightgown and we didn't go. After I got mad at the stonewalling she said she looked ugly and couldn't go. I've research but don't see how the body image problem is associated with dimentia or Alzheimer. And she's not deteriorating but like the stock market, up and down,

Appreciate all your help people.