Hello,
I am new to this website. I do want to share that I have gone through something similar, but not nearly as devastating. I lost my girlfriend of 5+ years over addiction issues. We had a house, dog, etc. I lost all of that, lost money, lost everything. It's crushing and splitting things up can get messy. There are/were many dark nights but you just have to gut them out. It will VERY slowly get better. Unfortunately, we've lost all credibility. So showing someone a change for a day, week, month isn't enough for your significant other. Probably because we've promised to change and then come home countless times messed up. The only thing you can do is continue on the right path. What sucks is that it takes time. If it's meant to be, you guys will get together again in the future when you are better. If not, try to somehow look at is as a new chapter in your life. Everything takes time, which absolutely f******* sucks. As addicts, or people with issues, we want instant gratification, and that just cannot happen with an issue like this. Keep your head up, keep plugging. I can promise you it will get better.

Thank you your comments are very true and helpful

Welcome to the group Kuse,

I think what you are seeing is the effect of the things you caused through all the years you drank, because I went through something similar.

My wife had so much hidden anger inside her that I was walking on egg shells for fear of all that hidden rage coming out of her in ways that would break my ear drums.

I knew I needed help because I tried quitting on my own hundreds of times and just couldn't do it so I went through an outpatient program which was followed by 3 weeks of relapse prevention group counseling. Throughout all the help I had, regular attendance at AA meetings were a requirement. I needed all of that help to keep me sober because my addiction had such a big grip on me.

A few years later, my wife still divorced me and the reason she gave was that she never got over the things I did to her during my many days of addiction....

I could not change the past but I accepted it so I could put it behind me. I gave her what she wanted in the divorce....Within two months after we signed the papers, we were talking again and over time we were getting along better then we did when we were married. So we are very good friends even though she has someone else because letting go of all the anger and resentments and forgiving myself was all a part of the healing process. She saw a big change in me which had a positive effect on her.

There is something called Divine Providence which is when God allows something bad to happen to bring about a greater good. I saw that happen in my life on a number of occasions. As a result, I am happier now then I have ever been.

So you never know what the future will bring but if you stay sober, forgive yourself for your mistakes, then you might be surprised at all the positive things that can happen to you when you least expect it to and I hear similar stories at AA meetings as well. My first AA meeting, an older fellow sitting next to me said to me after I share with him all of the problems in my life, "Just stay sober. That's all you have to do. One day at a time"

The old man was right because everything else seemed to take care of itself.

So keep your chin up. You are going through the worst of it right now.
Keep in touch and in the meantime, we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

God Bless

Some good comments already, so will keep it short. Yes, the pain may seem unbearable, but now you seem to have come to grips with the consequences of your addiction. Focus on your recovery, find a local support group if possible, and the future will take care of itself. And, it will get better if you do this. I can promise you that!

Stay in touch, Kevin

At this point, continue to give your wife space, if you keep trying to talk to her at this point, it will make it worse - concentrate on your recovery, and looking after you. (are you going to be living in the spare room in the same house as your wife? If so, I highly recommend that you find somewhere else to stay for a while, so that your wife can breathe & work out what she really wants) take care

Thank you everyone this is very helpful. I so much appreciate this.

Unfortunately the pandemic has amplified how much boozing the country is doing as a whole. The sinister thing about alcohol is the head game. Idle hours are rough, especially in emotional pain.
It kicks around in there waiting for that window, that seemingly innocent imbibe. That's the Angler fish, dangling something juicy with jaws agape. The monster is hidden in shadow.

first off, my initial feeling reading this is that alcohol was present but not the primary issue. I'm sure that, if you look honestly, you see this. The real damage to your marriage, I suspect, is the rut you guys slipped into and didn't have the energy to pull out of. I am very familiar with this behavior as are most folks here. Why do we drink? To escape into a delusion that seems better than living life. It's a terribly sad way to spend our precious time. And it's impossible to have a healthy relationship with anyone because we can't even have one with ourselves. When I quit drinking my wife and I were basically roommates and I had been ignoring that for years. The behavior is that somewhere in the back of our minds we know that something is wrong but we don't know where to begin to 'fix' it so the days slide by without any change. That's stagnation and not how life can be when we're alive. So what I found for the first few sober months is that, as my mind cleared, my emotions became very raw because I was hit with the reality of where our living pattern had landed us. So what I had to do was heal myself and put the relationship on hold (which it had been anyway). Trying to juggle the dual feats of pulling ourselves up out of the mud we've been crawling around in and pulling a marriage back from the brink is a recipe for disaster. I've been training with the local ambulance so I can volunteer and one of the hard things we learn is triage. literally means sorting. Basically who can you save? Right now all you can do is learn to take care of yourself. Walk, exercise as best you can. Eat right and drink plenty of water. This will most likely be the most intense emotional experience of your life and it can go one of two ways. One it will overwhelm you and you'll repeat the behavior that's familiar. But the other option is where you feel these emotions and allow them to burn away the cobwebs in your attic (mind) and rise up like the Phoenix from the ashes to start a real change in your life. One where you will become your own best friend and realize that any future relationship will be determined by how well you work on yourself now. This is the painful crossroads you're at. Sorry, I know it hurts. I'm not in AA but the one day at a time idea can be your friend here. This isn't the time to regret the past actions, it's the wake up call to start creating a different lifestyle. I found these intense emotional times to be a sort of death because it feels like we're losing something we can't live without but it just seems that way. Feel your feelings, know you're alive and that you WILL be ok and don't self medicate. The only way through this is straight through.

Thank you very well said and very powerful.

Made it through the weekend. One day at a time. Going to give more space and stay away at least another week.
No contact. Never thought this would be so hard. Feel I’m fighting two battles with myself.

My experience was my wife and I had drifted so far apart with each other and ourselves that I just had to let go and slowly rebuild myself. As I grew up in my overall health we reconnected and have become dear friends. Best friends actually. We’re still married yet living apart for another year. It was a big realization when I saw that I needed space to sort myself out. Change is only scary when we make it so. But I’ve had time to work through this. You are on the front here and it’s great that you made it through the weekend. I highly suggest taking walks this week, visit a museum, something that you usually don’t do. Stay strong and sober. After a short month you will be resetting your habits.

Thank you for all this great advice and sharing with me.
I’m truly trying.
I’m not looking past each day and been writing a lot in my Journal. Trying to make a positive out of my situation.
The raw emotions can be overwhelming.
Still feel so empty inside.

I know what those feelings are like. And it is raw and uncomfortable and without the alcohol it will be continue to be very real. However I promise that it will be a healthier way to get through this and come out the other side with self esteem and a knowledge that you can do this. While being sober for others is great please remember that the person who benefits the most is you. Be kind and patient with yourself.

Space and Time.. not for her but for you and alcohol !

Keep reaching out here, keep journaling, sit quietly, feel those feelings, then go and do something positive like a walk where you can look around you and really see nature and all the beautiful things surrounding you.
Repeat to yourself "God (or whoever/whatever you believe in)
"Keep me in awareness of the stories I'm telling myself in my head" - that little mantra helped me in the tough times where I told myself stories that were just that, - stories, stay in the moment, and don't think too far ahead - take care, you can do this.