Paul1

Things can get better with honesty, open-minded and willingness. I never really surrendered, and 8 years after my first AA meeting, I think Ive finally understood what accepting my alcoholism means....

Unfortunately, ive come to the conclusion that things never really get any better.  This is my destiny. 

My brain must be very  sick to keep doing this to myself. Why? Why? Why? I cant go on like this. The fear, the shame and the guilt just is not worth it. The more I hate myself, the more other people...

1613 - The craving has past. How did this come about? Time went by and I didnt drink I suppose was the upshot, though a couple of other things helped. 1. I rang my Mum. Initially I said I was going...

1449 For some reason directly after lunch my mind began racing, going into its crazy manic mode. Drink cravings presenting themselves. Very concerned. What does one do in this situation. I guess you...

Felt like I wanted to die today many times. Kept saying to myself 'im rotton to the core'.  Just feel indescribably worthless.   

Felt like I wanted to die today many times. Kept saying to myself 'im rotton to the core'.  Just feel indescribably worthless.   

I kind of re-read some of the entries ive written and feel embarassed at the sheer self-obsession of some of them. I suppose theyre a faithful record of how Ive felt at a particular point in time....

Ive never really fitted in here.  Im not clever enough. Im an average kind of person, of average intelligence, surrounded by people who are, and always will be, streets ahead of me. They were born...

Felt like I wanted to die today many times. Kept saying to myself 'im rotton to the core'.  Just feel indescribably worthless.   

I kind of re-read some of the entries ive written and feel embarassed at the sheer self-obsession of some of them. I suppose theyre a faithful record of how Ive felt at a particular point in time....

Ive never really fitted in here.  Im not clever enough. Im an average kind of person, of average intelligence, surrounded by people who are, and always will be, streets ahead of me. They were born...

Im sure this is nothing particularly revelatory, but it has struck me for a long time  that my  depression is caused by and feeds off absolute inertia and lack of movement. Sometimes this can be...

Its been a while since Ive written.  Im back on the booze unfortunately. This thing is hard to crack. I cant do it alone.   But I know AA will be there WHEN I need it. 

Well, I finished the writing bit of my PhD tonight. Now got a week to do all the referencing, pruning, editing and shit.  And within an hour of finishing I was in the pub. Only had two and half...