Sick brain

My brain must be very  sick to keep doing this to myself. Why? Why? Why? I cant go on like this. The fear, the shame and the guilt just is not worth it. The more I hate myself, the more other people are beginning to hate me as well. My behaviour when drunk is utterly deranged. My frontal lobes seem to cease working altogether, and I turn into a savage, a beast. 
 
Its been a long time since I honestly prayed and meant it. I am fast approaching the point where I believe that a miracle is the only thing that can save me.