Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
We have had several discussions lately about not wanting to spend the rest of our lives alone, and how and when to look for a new partner. I am just wondering about the other side of the question - is there anybody out there who does NOT want to remarry, and why not? I expect that anyone who is young would naturally think in terms of remarriage, but what about those of us in the 50-60 and beyond age group?
I have been thinking about the women in my own circle of family and friends, and there are many who did not remarry, and who led full, seemingly happy lives after losing their husbands. The reasons they gave varied from bad marriages, to believing that nobody could ever be as great as their late husbands, to enjoying the freedom to do what they wanted without the restrictions of having to work around a partner.
I feel nobody would ever live up to my wonderful Stan. In my day-to-day life I am beginning to look at the comparison of being alone v. being lonely, and wondering if the FEAR associated being alone is sometimes worse than the actual experience! I can envision myself as spending the rest of my life alone and being reasonably happy. Am I "alone" here, or are there any others going this route? Comments?
I have been thinking about the women in my own circle of family and friends, and there are many who did not remarry, and who led full, seemingly happy lives after losing their husbands. The reasons they gave varied from bad marriages, to believing that nobody could ever be as great as their late husbands, to enjoying the freedom to do what they wanted without the restrictions of having to work around a partner.
I feel nobody would ever live up to my wonderful Stan. In my day-to-day life I am beginning to look at the comparison of being alone v. being lonely, and wondering if the FEAR associated being alone is sometimes worse than the actual experience! I can envision myself as spending the rest of my life alone and being reasonably happy. Am I "alone" here, or are there any others going this route? Comments?
Sylvia
I responded in 2009, after becoming engaged to my second husband who is a widower I met within this group. The lesson that not all of life's surprises are bad surprises was a big one for me.
The question of subsequent relationships is a huge one for all of us who are bereaved. There is no simple answer. I think sometimes that perhaps the best way of looking at it is the old saying, "If you want to make God laugh, then tell him your plans." None of us knows what's around the next bend. Sometimes when you think you have everything figured out, someone comes into your life and changes everything. Just like someone did the first time.... I had given up on love when Cliff walked into my life. I had given up on love when he died and Mark came into my life.
My advice is to put aside the question for at least a year. You need time to take care of you (and all the massive adjustments and red-tape that go with losing your other half), and that is going to need at least a year anyway. Love yourself first, and if you have kids, help them get through the first very tough year. Don't pile more stress on yourself needlessly while you're still hurting really badly. Conserve your energy and your strength.
In future, please start a new thread rather than pulling up the old ones where most of the members have gone. Thanks.
Love and Hugs,
Martha, co-Community Leader