Being 55, I'm right in the middle of your age group and to be honest my answer is, I really don't know but I don't think I do want to re-marry. I'm pretty settled now and getting more and more used to my life on my own and it's perfectly okay. I enjoy friendship and I could do with some more companionship but I can't really ever see me re-marrying. So, although I'm not actively seeking a new partner I'm trying to be open to whatever may happen in the future. You're certainly not alone in your thoughts and I suppose the important thing in the end is that we are comfortable and hopefully even happy with whatever we choose for our future.

For those of you who have read my previous posts it will not surprise you to hear that I feel it is very important for everyone to become open to bonding with someone again. My wife (Linda) lost her battle with brain cancer just over one year ago but before she died she taught me several lessons which have helped me to cope with my grief and to prepare me for another phase of my life.

When Linda and I bonded it was after the death of her first husband. During that period I became her primary consoler ... every day ... for over a year. I experienced firsthand the various stages of grief and during this period Linda and I searched for answers to life's big questions ... Why would God let this happen? .., What is the meaning of life? ... Why am I here? and many more. I watched Linda negotiate her way through her grief in a very, very positive manner. The single most important decision she made was the decision that she wanted to be happy again. She made this decision within weeks of losing her first husband. Once she made that decision many other issues that all widows and widowers face became much easier for her to deal with.

Linda and I also came to believe that most people can "survive" and be somewhat happy on their own (without a mate) ... BUT ... to be truly happy and to be truly productive and fulfilled everyone needs a "mirror to their soul" ... someone who reflects our goodness and motivates us to "do good" and to love and care for others. Fortunately Linda and I became each others "mirror" and we were married about two years after the death of her first husband. During our marriage we talked about how we would want each other to be happy if something happened to one of us. Now that Linda has died I know ... with a great deal of certainty ... that she wants me to be happy.

And ... now that I have lost Linda I have been using what she taught me to cope with my grief. Like Linda, I committed myself to being happy again. Like Linda, I became open to bonding with someone else ... not just anyone ... but with someone special who could become the "mirror to my soul". While I knew I would be open to bonding with someone special again I did not intend to "search" or to even "date" for at least a year.

As it turns out I have been very fortunate in that I have now bonded with someone very special ... someone who is now my "mirror" ... someone who sees me as her "mirror" ... someone on DS. While I was very open to bonding with another special person I was not sure if I would ever meet someone who would be such a great mate and I feel very blessed that there is someone out there who can help me to achieve happiness. For those friends who know us the special person that I am referring to is Janine (Jaynine). Those of you who have been close friends with Janine know how "special" she is and how lucky I am to have her as my best friend and "mirror to my soul".

I would like to think that Linda had a hand in this and that she helped me to find someone so special ... and ... I would like to think that everyone reading this post has a deceased spouse who wants them to be happy and wants them to become open to bonding with someone "special" again.

My wish for everyone is that you will eventually become open to bonding with someone special. Everyone will grieve differently and everyone will "move on" in their own time frame but the sooner you can accept that it is not only OK to be happy again but that it is our responsibility to become happy again ... the sooner you will start to return to a state of normalcy in your life.

I pray that everyone reading this will be as blessed as me and that everyone can eventually feel a sense of happiness in their life.

Love Changes Everything.
Tom

I have no idea what the future holds for me but right now I just want to meet people and form friendships. I'm really tired of eating alone and I love engaging conversation. My husband died 6 months ago after 2 1/2 years of illness. We were married 30 years. I miss him but I don't miss the constant caregiving and worry. I really believe that I starting grieving his passing 2 1/2 years ago. I'm looking for laughter and joy and new interests and friendships for right now. I'm too old for young friendships and not old enough for others. I feel stuck inbetween. I am a spiritual person but I am not religious and not interested in attending church just to meet people. That seems to leave only bars and I'm not interested in that, either.

My husband has only been gone 1 month today. However, John was a very special man. He knew me and he loved me any way. He married me when he was 54 and I was a very immature 26. He was 81 and I was 53 when he died. We both had changed considerably. Our love for each other,however, was more intense on the day he died than on the day we got married. I do not believe I am alone. His love will always be with me. Love never dies. I do miss his physical presence in the room with me. His physical death has devastated me. I am lonely for his voice, his smile and the love in his eyes when we watched our grandsons play. I won't say that I will never remarry, because I understand human nature and do not know what is around the bend, however if God in His infinite wisdom has prepared another spouse for me, he will not only have to win me over, he will also have to pass my son's inspection. The bar has already been set very high.

I lost Bill 3 yrs. ago and have no desire to marry or even date. My life is filled with family and friends. I want to keep his last name until I go on to be with him and no one could ever be to me what he was. My soul mate, best friend, partner and husband. We were married 1 month less than 18 yrs, and I could never replace him. We had a wonderful marriage, and the thought of putting up with another man, well, I just couldn't do it.. SO I will stay single...

I am 99% sure I will stay single. The 1% is just to silence the people who say it's too early to say that whenever I say I will remain single.

I am 51-Met my phenomenal husband when I was 32 and he was 60.And loved him more and more as each year passed. I lived only for him and we had a very good life together. When he became ill with Lung Cancer, I was devastated-I did everything I could to fight his illness with him, believed that he would survive, and hoped to enjoy old age with him.. I have been widowed for 16 months. And most you who know me,can probably remember what a mess I was in -The first six months of my grieving was sheer hell..and I can recall many a time thinking that my life was over..I started interacting with wonderful people on the site, and slowly the real me surfaced..I started counting my blessings and giving thanks for the wonderful life that we shared together- and somewhere deep in me I started to realize that I wanted to be happy again. I never once believed that I would ever meet another man again..or even love again..and decided that I would find my happiness by helping others, and in so doing, I would honor the memory of my wonderful husband.. I knew more than anything else my husband would expect me to make the most of my life and live each day to the fullest.
When I met a widower on this site who lived 8000 miles away from me, love and romance were the last thing on my mind.. the rest is history, as most of you know ... To my surprise I found that I did have the capacity to expand my heart for another unique person...and that love makes all the difference in the world. It does not mean that I love Michael any less..I will also remember and honor him.. Janine

This is the 6th month of losing my dear husband, life partner and soul mate. And, I am 3 weeks shy of turning 53. Like other ladies, this is the very first time I have lived totally on my own. I am adapting, discovering things I never believed I would be capable of doing, coming and going as I please, making all the decisions solo, and gaining more independence with each day.

I would not part with the 38 years we were together. Not one single minute. My husband was a unique man, and I really know there is no one out there on the face of the earth like, or anywhere near him.

It is far too early for me to entertain the thought of dating. I don't look past today anyway. In your mid-50's, the dating scene is totally different than it was when I was 18, let alone honesty, morals, values, etc. And the intimate, sexual aspect with all the risks of STD's is enough to scare you silly.

I can't ever say never, but I don't plan to remarry and in all honesty (no offense to anyone), I have no interest in the bedroom scene. Call it my age, a hysterectomy, or discovering through our cancer journey that there are far more important aspects of a relationship than a romp in the hay.

Like others on this site, I stood by my man's side through 1-1/2 years of treatments, surgery, scans, follow up visits, and eventual home hospice and watching him take his last breath. I would do it all over in a heartbeat for him, but I don't want to go through it again for anyone else.

Paul has been gone for 27 months and he was indeed the love of my life. I am lucky enough to be living next door to my daughter and her husband and 4 grandchildren and they have done a great job keeping me busy but there is that hole in my heart and the loneliness of when night time comes and its time for bed and there is no one to cuddle with and share all my thoughts and dreams with. I have prayed to God and to Paul that if I am meant to be with someone again he will come into my life but if not then i will just try and make the best of my life until i am again with my Paul....An on a humorous side I will be 62 on wednesday and I am overweight so probably no one will want me.....It's good i can laugh about myself..........

I think men benefit more from remarriage. They remarry earlier and the majority do. Generally speaking the wife is the heart of the home. She is the social planner, homemaker, nurturer and provides emotional support. Men don't tend to have the same emotional support as most women do. Their wives are often their sole confidant and cheerleader. In truth, men are more dependent on us then we are on them. Men also tend to remarry younger women and as men die earlier than women they have a much larger playing field.For women the pickings are slim. Do you marry someone much older and end up a nursemaid? Or do you settle, believing any man is better than no man. As women we tend to have a variety of strong emotional supports. Most of us are blessed in that we have friends and family for support and companionship and we can bare our souls to these people. I have 3 sisters. I've had the same best friend since I was six. Four of my best friends I've known since high school. I'm not lonely . I've always been the independent type and enjoy my own company. The vast void I feel is for MY husband. My one and only who knew me and loved me so well as I did him. I am lonely for him. His being-his warmth, humour, body, kindness, ideas, values and love. I miss our shared history, the chemistry and connection we had. I grew up watching my mother go out with one jerk after another. I see my divorced and some widowed friends doing the same. Why? I will hold the memories of my life and my love in my heart forever.

By the way I am 49.

tskks, I agree with you. Often men do seem to need to find someone to "take care of them" more than women do - even with the practical stuff like cooking, cleaning, etc. as well as the emotional support. I also agree with what you said about missing your husband specifically rather than missing marriage in general. Some people actually do find love many times, but some of us have that special person only once, and we don't want to "settle" just to avoid being alone. I think the problem comes when others start telling us what we should want, and what we should do. We are all different and need to do what works for us. laurabp

I really don't want anyone else...I know it's early, less than a month, but Wes was the love of my life, we were complete equals and I've never had that before and I know I'd never settle for anything less...he was the best man I've ever met and he loved me like no other. I want to be unattached so we can be together when I reach heaven. I don't want to be some other dudes wife :)

My husband was a longhual truck driver so I am use to being alone, that part doesn't scare me. It's the loneliness that bothers me. The lack of his touch the sound of his voice. Because even when he was on the road I could still talk to him. I knew that in a few days maybe a week he would be home. The whole idea of evening thinking about a new partner at this piont feels like a betrayal of sorts, like cheating. I loved, love him to much to even consider it. So the way things stand right now I'm married and that's that.

rileyann,

As an agnostic I'm not too concerned about any afterlife confusion. But as a former Christian I'm put in mind of the time Jesus responded to the Pharisees who posed a trick question to him about whose husband some guy would be in heaven, This person had several wives on earth, each of whom had died in turn. Jesus said, basically, "...in heaven they are neither married nor given in marriage, but are like the angels".

So even Christian dogma suggests that relationships in the afterlife will be very different, and, presumably, superior to earthly ones.

I think we probably don't serve ourselves well trying to project our current existence onto another one, no matter what we happen to believe about the nature of that other existence. Whatever afterlife there is, we probably aren't equipped to comprehend anyway.

When officiating our marriages, the church asks us to proclaim exclusive loyalty "until death do us part". So I think they see the wisdom of not trying to extend earthly relationships beyond the grave. As great as marriage is for some folks, it's still a limited, earthly form that we don't expect will suffice for the afterlife.

For this reason I think we are free to remarry, or not ... our choice. But if your reason for not remarrying is to carry a torch so that you can pick up where you left off some day ... I don't know, you may be assuming too much there.

The Buddhists classify marriage under what they term "special relationships". In an ego-less, all-good, ideal existence, special relationships, they say, aren't necessary or even relevant. Everyone loves everyone, and no one is even slightly attached to outcomes or looking for external validation. Special relationships are a concession to our earthly weakness and inability to love everyone equally.

I am just suggesting that putting one's life on hold for the rest of one's life, may be something to think carefully about. I initially felt that way, although for somewhat different reasons than you ... but eventually it came to me that I had to be open to all the possibilities of life or I would never fully live again. Limiting myself has never been a Good Idea.

--Bob