I am positive when I say that I will never marry again or even entertain the thought of another male companion. I am 53 and lost my husband of 28 years 9 months ago. I love him and miss him so much, he was the one and only for me. I planned on growing old with him but since he is gone it will be just me now. Who's to say how long that will be. I have a few wonderful friends and family that will always be there for me. I will be content with that. I have a 15 year old son and a 21 year old daughter that I know will be there for me because they know how I feel. I understand others that don't want to be alone for the rest of their lives but for me the memories and pictures of my husband will get me through. He cannot be replaced or even compared to. I hope others that don't want to be alone find love again but that is just not for me.

I am 45 and lost my wonderful wife 3 1/2 months ago; maybe some think it is too soon for me to know what I really want in regards to this topic, but it is actually one of the ONLY things that I feel I'm clear-minded and sure of. I will NEVER marry or be in a serious relationship with another again. Why? Because, I am still married - we never split up, divorced or broke our vows to each other. Our vows are not dependant of flesh alone, but more of our spirit - our 2 souls together. She awakened me to a much deeper/stronger spirit within myself. I refuse to sit and ponder such things (trouble & torcher my mind), but leave them for the Lord to sort out - he already knows exactly how I & my wife feel about it. Some of us know the feeling - it is like an unbelievable cleansing of the soul when you have enjoyed life with your One-True-Love/Soulmate. It's like a baptism - you DON'T get baptised twice, do you? For me, I like to think that our spouce has sacraficed by having to leave the earthly world, so I can definitely make some sacrafices for the sake of our two souls together in the soon to be hereafter. We don't know when that will be anyway; today, 2 weeks, 2 years or 20. But, some of us do believe that we know who we will be with for all eternity, and I am one of those. If I can't hope, pray and believe than there is nothing left....I choose to believe!

I agree with Bill on this discussion. I don't know exactly what the future holds for me. However, I know that I must step out of my comfort zone and make an effort to meet and relate to people, or I will risk becoming a bitter, unhappy, lonely woman. I don't want this for myself and I know Jim would not want this for me either.

None of us can foresee the future. I'm still just taking things "one day at a time." I cannot predict what the future holds. But I am keeping all options open. Hugs, bsbrm

What a challenging thread to throw up and such diverse opinions and viewpoints! When I married my DW in 1978 it was "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and 'till death do us part." We loved each other so deeply, experienced a marriage the envy of most others we knew. It was a marriage made in heaven as we met at a Capmus Crusade student conference in a romantic mountain town out of Sydney.

I cannot agree that to re-marry dishonours one's first spouse. To make a decision never to remarry must be highly personal and i also think it dishonours what God may want of you. Who is to say that the 'feelings' one has today will be the same in three, six or twelve months time? This week I feel like I need some nice female company, next week I could be quite dysfunctional in my grief, the next month I might have a longer term perspective and feel I would like to remarry and begin another family with a younger woman. (I somehow think that might be an enlivening and blessed thing to do.) Do any of these feelings dishonour my DW? If I remarried too early, yes it would be dishonouring; if I married out of lust, loneliness, frustration, money or flattery; yes it would dishonour her. If I remarry (and I hope I might, when God blesses me with His choice of woman), it will be for love, commitment and devotion to honour her and Him through the divine institution of marriage. God made Eve for Adam, because it was not good for man to be alone in His garden. I also will be consulting my adult children about any women I might become serious about in the future. As they have a big stake in any relationship I may develop. I am a family not a 'me'.

I must admit some aspects of being single are nice - freedom to go out when I like, spend my money as I wish,(or rather save it as I wish and not spend it as she wishes!) These are some of the (very) few positives to my new single life. I hope this makes sense to this challenging thoughtful topic. John

I used to think I would never meet anyone to love or to love me nor did I really want to. Then when you least expect it ,it finds you. I talked to my husband about this way before he died and he told me he wouldn't want me to be alone. People are made to be with people.Not nessicarily to marry but, to go have fun with and company. I feel I can love stronger now because I experienced such love from my husband. Yes he was a wonderful, giving loving guy but, that doesn't mean there isn't other loving caring guys or girls out there. Just try not to shut your heart off to loving again..It feels good
Hugs

Wow! I never thought I would get so many responses to this topic. Thank you all! This gives us all so much to think about. For a few of you who said, keep the options open and don't rule out love again, rest assured that I am not doing that; I am just trying to see both sides here and to be realistic about my own life. For example, after my brief 1st marriage and divorce, I was single for 18 years before Stan & I married, so I am obviously not the type of person who is going to run right out and look for a new partner. I understand those of you who said that you really miss your specific partner, rather than missing being married. As you all have said, we are all different, and there is no "right" or "wrong" answer here. I am learning a lot from all the different points of view. laurabp

Cliff and I had discussed it several times over the course of our marriage - especially after the death of each of our 4 parents. We both agreed whoever survived the other should find love again and be happy. I didn't believe it would be possible. I was widowed at 50 and was convinced that no one would want me because I'm not young and hot, nor could my heart ever open to another man after loving Cliff for 30 years. But then I had given up on the idea of marriage when Cliff walked into my life - at the time we met I thought I would be single forever. I've been wrong twice! Maybe that's why I tend to think an absolute decision either way is imprudent. Just when you think you have life all figured out, something surprises you. And not all of life's surprises are bad ones. Love and Hugs, Martha

Hi all,

When my partner 1st died, almost a year ago now. I didn't imagine or couldnt' rather fathom being with a new person. Over time, I came to realize that she would want me to be happy again, if possible. I also stating sensing that I wasn't meant to stay lone the rest of my life and I knew deep down I'd meet someome....just not the WHEN part.

Well, (fairly recently last few months) out of the blue, I had became good friends w/another widow on DS and we hit it off & Then I fell pretty hard for her, much to my surprise! Problem was/is she lives 1800 miles from me & that along with other various issues, we are no longer a couple. We are working on staying friends at this point.
I even went to her state to meet F2F and visit. We told ourselves we could overcome all the obstacles. Because of the love we were feeling. Well Life can be glorious one minute & devastating the next can't it?

It was sudden (our ending) as if she was just like the wind & blew away. It was shocking & very traumatizing, as it reminded me of my late partners sudden death and its been hurting like hell. Now I do feel leary more than I did before! But I think perhaps I scared her, pushed some of her buttons inadvertantly and she wasn't ready yet to move ahead.

We are both still grieving, (our late wives) so I suppose it makes sense it didn't work out very long. What this lesson did teach me so far with the clarity I have gained? Is that my heart & soul can love & live again, that there are other wonderful folks out there. That I am not done with loving and companionship & joy. Or Life!!

So here I sit & I'm 53, and I believe one day I will meet someone again. I'm certainly NOT looking, I will leave that up to the powers that be and just keep living my life a day at a time.Funny thing is? I didn't feel as disloyal to my late partner as I assumed i would.....No one can EVER take her place and i wouldn't try to replace her, its not possible so many here have expressed. I felt her blessing mainly encourging me to risk & love again. For that & The lessons (heartache and all) I do remain grateful. Yet, Letting go has got to be one of the hardest lessons any of us face in a lifetime....... My heart goes out to all of us here.

Namaste to All, Jess

JPFlynn, I agree with you about not knowing how you will feel in the future. It has been 20 months for me and I have had a very difficult time with the change and still am but I am finally realizing that this is my life now and I have a choice to stay stuck where I was or start living my life while I am here on Earth. I feel like MYRocky also though. I cant imagine starting over with someone that I know will never add up to my soulmate.

It is a tough thing to figure out. After 16 months I am still in a state of shock over losing my best friend and soul mate. So I try to think what would George want for me. He would not want me to be alone. That much I am sure of. But I am not ready to start another relationship. I am leaving it in God's hands if I remain alone or find someone special to love. I do not think I will marry again. I only want to do that one time. hugs and good luck all. Shirley

laurabp is right, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Like her, I am capable of being alone and finding a reasonable amount of enjoyment in life. Or at least the absence of pain.

It's not just a question of being married or not, though. There are a lot of other levels of relationship and commitment to consider.

There are styles of relating that are outwardly no different than being married or living together, but which are inwardly not all you'd assume they'd be. If you've lost someone, and particularly if you're older, perhaps over 50, I wonder if an intimate relationship could ever provide a sense of security and belonging in the way it once seemed to. This is what we are socialized to believe marriage provides. But at some point, you just can't promise each other "happily ever after" and it's more than an intellectual realization that you can't. It's very real. It tends to take some of the romance out of things.

That's good in that you're more realistic and grounded. That's bad in that you're more realistic and grounded. I haven't figured out exactly what to think of that yet.

The enthusiasm and fascination we have for love and romance is based in part, I think, on the fact that it makes us believe in magic; it makes us feel immortal and powerful and like we can do anything. It makes us forget that we and our beloved are but dust and there are no promises or guarantees.

The truth is, we are very mortal and finite and we feel that more and more as we leave the expansion phase of life and go into the contraction phase. And it's amplified if you've experienced the loss of your chosen companion.

I'm aware at the age of 52 that I may have only 10 good years left. Of course, for all I know, I may have 40 good years, or 4. Or two minutes. Who knows. The point is, death isn't the abstraction it was when I was 21.

I tend to think much more these days in terms of enjoying the moment. Alas, the decreasing supply of quality moments -- for me and anyone I care about -- makes this take on paramount importance. Not to rush into constructing another illusory security ... but also to not waste a single precious opportunity to live as fully as I can.

Since early this year I have been going to some lengths to seize the moment. I'm glad I have. I've had some incredible experiences with an incredible person. I guess I miss the sense that fortune smiles on us though. I wish we could both be eager to make commitments and long term plans. But it seems like all we can muster is today. In theory that should be enough. In reality, it will have to do. But I can't help but feel a bit sad all the same. It seems like we've lost something that made life sweet and valuable.

There was a time when life was filled with bright promise. I miss that feeling. I don't know how to recapture it, and am not sure I should even try. I had all sorts of hopes, dreams, and aspirations ... but they were all contemplating some sort of fulfillment about now. I don't have the heart to push that all forward and start rebuilding. I don't think my sweetie does either. That is just wrong. But I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I'd be a sucker all over again to rely on anything very far over the horizon.

You get tired, eventually, I guess.

I read over this and I see that it's probably become a downer for some. It isn't meant to be. We very much enjoy each other. We have plans. It all just seems kind of muted. Not really waiting for the other shoe to drop ... it's not fear-based. It's just fatigue-based.

--Bob

I am 63 and been a widow a little over 2 years. I am not looking for another relationship (being it friends to spouse) and at the present time, I'm very happy being on my own. It's actually the first time in my life that I've lived alone since we started dating in High School and I lived with my parents until we were married. I'm enjoying the freedom to come and go when I wish.
If I met someone who made me happy as a friend and companion I would enjoy it. (I think) I enjoy my quiet time as well as people who I enjoy being with who are friends of mine and Don's before he died.
I'll also admit that things would have to be gradual even as friends, because I'm nervous about the initial 'first date.' You have to realize I haven't had a lot of dating experience since Don and I were together exclusively from the minute we met.
The only thing that I'm sure about is he would have to be my friend, first and totally open and honest with me. I'm too old to play the games I see younger people playing now with their relationships. Sharon

I am in my fiftys and it has beeen four years and three months and i know i do not want anybody else. i misss my husband every day

I being 32 when my DH passed away could never see myself saying those vowels to another man. I could never see changing my last name to be diff from his and our grave marker even reflects this as it has both are names along with our wedding pic and our fav saying on it" With God all things are Possible" He was my one in only TRUE love.....

" I still feel very much married to my husband & I can't see myself ever being with another. I'm 54, and I still wear my wedding bands. It's been nearly 14 weeks when a big part of me was called to be with our Father. He was and still is the love of my life. I feel like he gave me enough love to last me the rest of my time here on earth. We meet on a blind date and on our 2nd date we decided to get married. It lasted 35 1/2 yrs. The love we shared between us was always a strong part of life. We supported and helped each other with every thing. My husband can never be replaced. We went thru a lot together and I feel like it made us a better person. II know I'll always love and be in love with my husband, because he will always be a big part of who I' d became as a person. He is very sorely missed and I still cry everyday for my lost but I try so hard to be happy for his gain in being with Jesus.