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Do I need to start distancing myself from him?

OTM64
OTM64

Hi everyone!


I hope you are all doing well.


As I said before this is the first seemingly healthy relationship with a nice man that I have had in many, many years and I want to make sure that I navigate things in a healthy way and don't fuck it up based on my own fears and assumptions.  So I like to weigh in and see if my thinking is messed up or not.


By the way I see both of my Dr's on this Thursday and Friday to see about getting my medication for anxiety changed and I am going to start going to regular counseling sessions as well.  Yay!


So, the issue at hand is this:  A while back when M and I first started seeing each other he told me that on Thanksgiving he goes out of town to visit friends for the weekend, but maybe this year he would have a reason to stay home (meaning me).  Well, this past Saturday he informed me that he was going to stay with those friends for Thanksgiving, he did not extend an invitation to me.  He then asked me what I was doing and I said "Probably nothing" because my family does not do anything.  Only then did he half heartedly say I should come with him.  We left the topic alone with me saying "I will leave that up to you and you should ask your friends first"  Then he went on to say that me coming along might be bad luck because he has invited other GF's to come along and not long after they broke up.  haha.


He also told me that in February he may have a chance to go to Paris ...... it isn't 100% yet.  Again no mention of me coming a long.


So I am a bit baffled here.  He texts me all the time, he seems to really like me yet I am getting mixed signals.  I at times am feeling like he is not taking this very serious and that he .....well maybe he is just not that in to me.


Do I need to start backing away from this man?  I am at a total loss here.



Thank you.


OTM64
OTM64
I threw some of this past my brother to get a man's perspective and he finds it odd that he did not invite me along to Thanksgiving, or mention a possible trip with him in Feb. He seems to feel that maybe the dude just isn't that into having a relationship.
rmb
rmb
Right, but wouldn't it be a relief for you if you didn't feel like inside you were dying? That's the thing, is finding it within yourself to be at peace about this kind of stuff so you don't feel like you have two lives you're living.
OTM64
OTM64
@RMB, not sure what you are saying? Can you help me understand?....Are you saying be at a place where I don't really care what he is doing? Or to ask him about all of it?
Thanks!
Lenoire
Lenoire
You may think he has no idea about any of this, but your responses and your body language is saying it all. Your thoughts transfer onto your actions. Have you heard of the saying, 'I think therefore I am.' People pick up a lot more than what you may think. How we respond to what they say, in our mind, comes out in our actions.
rmb
rmb
Neither. I'm saying be in place in your head and in your body and in your heart, where you don't feel like you are fretting and feeling insecure and anxious all the time, regardless of what he does or doesn't do, kind of independent of what he's doing or thinking.

I guess I can only speak from my own experience, but I rarely have had times where I'm so concerned and worried about a guy's motives with me that I feel like I have to keep it all together in front of him, and then secretly worry and obsess and feel like he's not into me. It just takes a lot of energy to do that, and at some point, people, no matter how much you think you are keeping it together in front of them, pick up on that. Wouldn't it be nice if you could just not have this kind of internal stress about it so you don't have to be one way with him, and another way when you're not with him.
rmb
rmb
I was typing when Lenoire was typing, but that's kind of where I'm going... as human beings, it's really hard to hide what's really going on internally. We think in our minds we have it under control, but there are tells eventually.
OTM64
OTM64
Oh, okay I see what you are both saying.
Yeah he may at the very least he is picking up on my anxiety. It is out of control right now.
ie......I should be working, but instead I am obsessed with coming here to see what you all have to say, and I am paralyzed by my thoughts about it, so much so that I am not working. I should have 6-10 charts done by now and I am only on my first one.
rmb
rmb
Sign off of DS, and just keep refocusing yourself. I think you end up fueling your anxiety when you go down this path.
Lenoire
Lenoire
Work is an excellent distraction. Just know that by saying, "he may at the very least be picking up on your anxiety," when your anxiety is through the roof, is a moot point, of course he is. Get a bit of work done, don't be hard on yourself about it, then take some you time. Do something you love on your own, put your phone on hold, go outside, appreciate nature, simple pleasures, and be good to yourself. You're a good person and all good things comes to those who patiently wait for them.
11Christmases
11Christmases
I think taking a trip together (even just Thanksgiving) is a big step. That is a lot of time to be trapped together, one car, one room, etc. I think it's not a big deal if he's not ready for that much togetherness, just yet. Also, maybe his hosts didn't really like having his past GFs come along. I would not think you should have to distance yourself for this reason. He may want to bring you to Paris, but wants to wait until his plans are firm, before thinking about adding another person to the plan. I hope you make some plans of your own for Thanksgiving. He could decide last minute to stay, after all. If not, it will give him a chance to miss you. Take care.
OTM64
OTM64
Hi all
I went to my Smart Recovery meeting tonight, it was me and 5 men. They gave me some good advice as well.
And they even had me laughing about some stuff.

I am feeling much better tonight.

Thanks!
sunnyjax
sunnyjax
OTM, I hear you honey. (And Im going through my own stuff right now for sure too)
What I hear from you is that you are almost 'performing' as a great girlfriend when you are with him. Having to play it cool and not let on when you are worried and anxious. I think someone commented something along these lines on here earlier.
I know we all have our 'game face' and I just feel it would be great if you felt you didn't need a game face with anyone and just how you are and how you feel about stuff is just enough.
You said you don't behave with him how you do on here, well I think you should work on feeling that you are enough just as you are. And you are. xxx
Glad the group went well, I need one of those!
OTM64
OTM64
I woke up this morning feeling pretty crappy about this again. All I can think about is how he said that this year he may have a reason to stay in town, then he went ahead and made plans that did not include me. It really makes me feel bad. Like he is just not that into me or this relationship. I feel like I really need to address this with him.

One of the men from my meeting last night suggested I start seeing other men. But I am not sure I could do that at this point.
Misred
Misred
Okay...one clue is he said he's taken other women to Thanksgiving with the friends before and those relationships did not work out. It could be he does not want to ask the friends again to bring someone new yet and then get ribbed on it. I remember my EX and I would groan when his brother would bring a "new lady" to family gatherings. It was a revolving door and was ridiculous. I say, relax on this, you may get the invite next year. He just may be taking in consideration his friends.
happymama2j
happymama2j
I understand how you feel, and honestly I'd probably feel the same in your situation. So, I will try to be helpful, in a "do as I should have done, not as I have done" sort of thing, lol.....

Bottom line, it is hard. Because honestly, it could go either way, and you probably won't know until it just plays out.

I've been with guys that, yes, unfortunately this sort of thing was a bad sign: he was pulling away, he didn't want to commit, he was into me for fun but not the long term. Etc. However, a couple of other possibilities on the holiday front: 1) his friends may not want him to bring someone. Who knows what they are like, but they may not want to get attached to a lady of his this early in. 2) Maybe he doesn't want to rush it too much, so he'd rather wait. 3) he may have ran the "staying home" idea by his friends, and they may have gotten upset and insisted he come. 4) who knows, right?

I think that if you are thinking that you need to talk it out with him, maybe try that. If you can't talk about such things openly, that will tell you a lot. I don't think you should start dating other men at this point, as that might backfire on you, if he really is serious about you but just waiting until you've been together longer. Game playing is super common these days, but it usually just complicates things.
((HUGS))
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