Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hi everyone!
I hope you are all doing well.
As I said before this is the first seemingly healthy relationship with a nice man that I have had in many, many years and I want to make sure that I navigate things in a healthy way and don't fuck it up based on my own fears and assumptions. So I like to weigh in and see if my thinking is messed up or not.
By the way I see both of my Dr's on this Thursday and Friday to see about getting my medication for anxiety changed and I am going to start going to regular counseling sessions as well. Yay!
So, the issue at hand is this: A while back when M and I first started seeing each other he told me that on Thanksgiving he goes out of town to visit friends for the weekend, but maybe this year he would have a reason to stay home (meaning me). Well, this past Saturday he informed me that he was going to stay with those friends for Thanksgiving, he did not extend an invitation to me. He then asked me what I was doing and I said "Probably nothing" because my family does not do anything. Only then did he half heartedly say I should come with him. We left the topic alone with me saying "I will leave that up to you and you should ask your friends first" Then he went on to say that me coming along might be bad luck because he has invited other GF's to come along and not long after they broke up. haha.
He also told me that in February he may have a chance to go to Paris ...... it isn't 100% yet. Again no mention of me coming a long.
So I am a bit baffled here. He texts me all the time, he seems to really like me yet I am getting mixed signals. I at times am feeling like he is not taking this very serious and that he .....well maybe he is just not that in to me.
Do I need to start backing away from this man? I am at a total loss here.
Thank you.
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Well, good morning to you!Today is National Roller Coaster Day. Are any of you going?It's also National Tell-A-Joke Day! Come up with some and share!I'm not bright with jokes these days, but I'll start:"Today I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon...I'll let you know." :D
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Woke up feeling very emotional and about to clock in at my place of employment. And can't place it all in writing but not been a good experience with my store manager or his boss. Defamation of my character is a concern. I've been losing appetite and weight. Trying to perform at work to keep myself from hospitalization as a result of toxic masculinity.
Yesterday he told me he was sick, sore throat, coughing up gunk...etc....
So tonight after my Yoga class I called him to say Hi and to check that he is okay.
He did not answer so I left a quick nice message saying that I hope he is feeling better.
He called back a few minutes later and when I answered I heard him talking and I said Hello? and then he started talking to me, But the whole time he was talking I was like ..... why was he talking when I answered the phone so I finally said "Were you talking to yourself when I answered?" and he was like "huh? I don't even remember."
He sounded perfectly fine, not sick at all. We talked for like 2 minutes and then he was like okay I'm gonna go and lay on the couch.
I was like Okay feel better.
I thought the whole thing was super odd.
I feel like my plan of action is to be nice to him and respond when he texts but I am not going to call or text him first anymore. Also I am just going to live my life and make plans and not worry about what he is doing, if he wants to see me and I happen to be free fine. But I am not going to wait around for him anymore, waiting to see what he has planned and how his weekend looks etc....
I typically am not a game player but I truly feel like he just does not get it. Or perhaps he is just not that interested and if he isn't then I guess he won't care that I'm not super available for him anymore.
Does that make sense?
I like your plan. Either he's going to make effort or not.....it's really out of your control and most likely has nothing to do with you. I think some people like the infatuation that comes with meeting someone new and expect it to go on forever and then leave when it doesn't. Not saying this is him, just saying what comes into my head. (((HUGS)))
I'm wondering if it came down to you just didn't make any plans and he received an invite from old friends??
Until you are a couple ongoing for a while it may feel strange for him to ask his friends if he can bring a guest to stay over the weekend
Since Christmas will be coming next maybe suggesting something fun to do in order to celebrate Christmas might be an idea?... Maybe it's a little awkward for both of you right now do you think?
He does sound like he's taking his time getting too involved and it may be for any number of reasons.... He might have been badly hurt before... or maybe he just is a busy guy who is taking time getting to know you better...
Perhaps he does have a hard time re commitment and I think that's what you've been looking for? if I'm not wrong?
I think it's still only been a few weeks? is that right?.... I would give it several months before making a decision on this... There's nothing wrong with texting or calling him sometimes... I do think men often like being the 'chasers'
It's great the meetings are helping and I hope therapy will help with confidence as well
I wouldn't guess that because he's going on a trip or spending a weekend with friends it's because he doesn't care about you... Another hug....xo
A lot of people in the Jewish faith will celebrate the Christmas festivities even though they don't celebrate the birth of Christ... it might be worth asking him about... I used to work for a group of Jewish oral surgeons many years ago and I think that they all celebrated the 'time of year' re parties and such
Sit back and see what he does, he will show you how he feels by his actions. But if you are forever calling and texting him you don't give him the chance to do that on his own, so you will never know how he really feels.
It takes patience to just wait and see. But he will show you how he feels if you let him.
Just keep busy OTM, so you aren't tempted to text or call him.
and of course you will be so busy you won't care so much anyway!
To me, what's the worse thing that can happen? It may be things don't work out between you. That's it. It would be sad for a bit, but that's all that would happen. And that can happen in any situation, whether the guy takes you everywhere, gives you all his time, or he doesn't. So I'm not sure what all this drama and worry is for given that, you know what I mean?
Can I just say this. The problem is not him really, because he's just being who he is. This is him. He's not a young guy who is still figuring his stuff out, who hasn't been through some stuff. He's a man who has direction, goals, is a complete person and lives a life that is by his own design. I don't think it's that he doesn't get it. I think you don't get him. I mean isn't that what liking someone is about, that you want them to be fully who they are? You want him to be different for you after only knowing him for a short time. He may not be there yet. Maybe with time, as your relationship grows, he will adapt and change in that regard, as most people do as they get closer with someone but I would actually be concerned if someone I just started seeing was changing their entire lifestyle for me. So given that, take this a day at a time and see where things go and not let your moods and feelings ride on how he acts or doesn't act.
I had wanted to do something on Saturday and I wanted to know if he was interested and he said "Lets play it by ear because I won't know how I will feel" So I said "well I need to get the tickets in advance so it will have to be another time and you are going to be gone a lot in November"
He wrote back "I will be gone xx-xx and xx-xx" The last dates being Thanksgiving. He did not say WE will be gone. So I said "I guess I am not going then?" and he tried to back peddle by saying he didn't mean it that way......Does this guy think I am totally stupid! Of course he meant that HE was going and not me. So I asked him if he remembered saying "That this year he may have a reason to stay" He of course said that he did not remember that.
I just honestly feel that he and I are looking for 2 different things, I want a committed serious relationship but he does not seem to want that.
OTM, ok you said something to him, now please try to relax. I totally get your feelings....it's like "I've got to know now, this minute, where I stand".....been there. Now it's time to sit back, live that lovely life of yours and let him come to you. Check out other guys on the dating sites/apps. Flirt, go out if someone sparks your interest. But please try to end the rumination over this dude. Frankly, he is not showing signs of being worth it.
That particular quote is one to always remember. It's absolutely true.
Hang in there.
My last text to him about how I felt was at 2:15pm today and it is now 8:15 and he never responded.