Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June 11th 2005. I guess i went down that rabbit hole and have not been able to forget it since. My therapist said the way my mind obcesses about dates of things that are not just good but even more so on bad days/anniversaries, that its probably not the best idea to have done that. But whats done is done. The guy who R**** me is still in prison, since Janurary of 2025, without being eligible for parole until 2035. Never will be long enough. He went after someone who was not afraid to go after him. I wish i would have been stronger, i could have saved her and who knows how many others. If i would have let them know i was pregnant or saved the baby when i miscarried at 6 weeks, then they could have proven it happened. But no i was too weak. I was 20 years old. I turned 21 7 weeks after the attack. I knew him. He was always abusive.
I miss my children so much and it kills me inside that all 5 of them, i never got to hold. They were all born into Heaven due to miscarriages. The OB/GYN i had for the past 9 years is the one who found out WHY i miscarried each one, yes i have endrometroysis, PCOS, and i had clymedia (cant spell it?) at 5 years old. The last is why i can get pregnant very VERY easily, which is unusual with PCOS and endrometroysis, but i cant carry the baby past the first trimester, and the clymedia was filed away by the Doctor for at least a month before i was treated. My mom went down there demanding ti know why her FIVE year old still had issues down there but they said she had nothing wrong. The front desk found my file and told her i had an STD....... The freaking Doctor filed it away! By the time i was 17 and told mom what i went thru from 4 to 10, the Doctor had passed away. He told Mom it was from a toilet seat. Mom told me recently she never fell for that but also was told by the courts i could not ask if a certain person did anything to me. Just generic questions. NINE people reported suspected sexual abuse on me from 4 to 10 years old MULTIPLE times to CPS and i found out at 22 when i was goign into rehab for alcohol. I had to get help from DHHS (department of helath and human services) to go to rehab. They said each and everytime the investigation showed up nothing. That i was questioned each time, my parents were (mom and adopted dad he did not get to adopt me until i was 13 though) and bio idiot who was the abuser. Noone was every questioned nothing was ever investigated. I know who at least 5 people were that reported susupected abuse. Makes me so bad that CPS lets down kids like this. And becuase of it i lost my innocence, trust, have C PTSD, Became abused as an adult due to i thought i was worth nothing because of it, Drank because of abuse, and lost all 5 of my children. I ache so bad for my children, its worse right now i think because im working on it in therapy.
I turned 42 July 30th, something always goes wrong the day before or on my birthday and its normally me getting injured. July 29th, Mom had just come to pick me up for my appointments that day, i had to walk over further on the porch because a heavy package was delivered i was not about to try to lift, next thing i know i had gone thru my porch. And our security cam got it all on video which acutally has helped the Doctors as embarassing as it is. My knees are very aggravatted but no NEW damage, its already the worst of osteoarhtritis you can get, stage 4, totally bone on bone. Very bruised up legs nad knees. Back killing me, i was told by THREE neurosurgeons if i ever fall i will be paralized. I am not paralyzed, i got myself up. Also got myself up out of the porch then up on my feet. It took a bit but i did it. I have never seen Mom move so fast to me especially 5 days after a major painful surgery. She kept wanting to help me up and i told her just let me get my barrings i need to know if i can do it. My arm we did not notice until i was in her car had a long cut on it, at least not deep. THe pain took an hour to hit me nad kept getting worse for the first 4 days. I went to my appointments and kept shaking my blood sugar has been high since, and my pain. At first it was my back and knees that really hurt. I did go to the ER that day, after my appointmnets, they just did a back xray and left knee xray. Thats the let that went thru the porch, the right knee landed ON the porch and huge bruise 2 weeks later yet. We cant get my sugars totally controlled still. That happened on weds, that friday the 31st, after my fiances last day of work he only got an 11 day notice hed be out of a job, the place he worked suddnely decided to shut down, still looking but thankfully 6 weeks severance pay, i ended up with him taking me to urgent care. My left knee was really bad but no NEW damage, i saw my knee orthopedic this past friday to make sure and get injections on teh 28th, but my shoulder they are postiive i tore the rotator cuff. Wiating on a shoulder orthopedic surgeron appointment. So i wear a sling except if im in my recliner not moving it around much, have to some to prevent frozen shoulder but omg it hurts, and in bed i dont wear the sling. I will say the low dose naltrexone for my pain is at least helping with my normal pain or i would not get thru this and they had added tonmya the new fibro med a week and half before it happened and it had just kicked in. So at least my fibro is well controlled, and if you have fibro and can get tonmya covered i highly recommend it! Yes its flexeril but the way it goes in you and the way it processes etc is a lot different, they have me stay on my zananflex with it even.
So thats what i been up too plus a lot of medical stuff
-
Well, good morning to you!Today is National Roller Coaster Day. Are any of you going?It's also National Tell-A-Joke Day! Come up with some and share!I'm not bright with jokes these days, but I'll start:"Today I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon...I'll let you know." :D
-
Woke up feeling very emotional and about to clock in at my place of employment. And can't place it all in writing but not been a good experience with my store manager or his boss. Defamation of my character is a concern. I've been losing appetite and weight. Trying to perform at work to keep myself from hospitalization as a result of toxic masculinity.
I'm so sorry to read all that you've been through but glad that you can vent on here
I believe that your children are at peace with God sweetie
This is just IMHO
Another big hug of support...xo
So sorry about your beautiful, innocent babies. But I agree with Sun, your dear ones have a peaceful home in heaven
It's time to focus on being kind to yourself and loving yourself above all. Sending support to you
i swing back and forth on whether the obsessing over timelines and anniversaries is a good thing. my psych pros seem evenly divided over whether it is a good or bad thing. i treat it like a question of balance. repressing the memories turns me into a human time bomb but obsessing is like picking scabs. the wound gets bigger and nastier when i am constantly picking the scab. sometimes i wonder if everything in life is a question of balance.
for what it's worth
i buy the notion that ptsd IS an anxiety disorder. my ptsd symptoms respond remarkably well to anxiety management tools.
Hugs thank you, its hard sometimes to put things into words and a lot of times for me writing is easier than saying things out loud, it just comes out better. One reason my therapist gave me her email address for work almost 2 years ago, and its how we stayed in contact last year when I was in the ICU 3 weeks then the rehab floor 2 hours away at another hospital to learn to stand then walk again. Which I am still on a dang cane and my weddings only about 2 months away but I am determined to get off it by then if its the last thing I do! And the Doctors tell me my being so stubborn is what kept me alive 18 months ago! They didn't think last February that I would live to see 41 and now I'm 42 and my health is better than its been in the 10 years I've seen my current PCP and for years before I saw her. When I first started seeing her I had been in the hospital at least 3 times per year for a few year, one year was 6 times. That first year working with her was the only time I ended up admitted for psych and my old neurologist told me for years that it was a nervous breakdown (2016 is when it was) but I meantioned it to my psychiatrist and my therapist about a year ago and they both said it was a PTSD overload. My body was trying to shut down mentally and physically because I had so much bottled up in me with my C PTSD and that I had always been too afraid to work on it. I got to where I would do anything to feel better. Had gone to the ER 9 times in a week to 10 days for being suicidal back then before I got admitted. They had been keeping me alive for almost 3 months with ivs and iv meds and shots. I could not eat and drink without throwing up each time. I had a central line put in it got so bad.
MelT2020
I am so sorry you went thru that :( I had multiple abusers too as a child and adult. 2 of my abusers have died (bio idiot and first husband) 1 I have not seen since I was 10 (bio idiots lawyer actually) ones in prison (the one who beat and r**** me ) and ones still walking around ( no contact with that family member). I refuse to allow anyone abusive in my life now. I have walked away from 2 so called friends a few years ago and they both have been trying to come back in my life, I debated it but not for long. I cant do it. I cant deal with the stress and anxiety I get with them both. I need my peace and I am working thru so much in therapy. I refuse to let anyone toxic around me if I can help it in any way! And as my Mom says sometimes, Sometimes the trash takes itself out. Also thank you about my babies. They will forever be my babies!
Arfie
Thank you for always being a constant on here when I am overwhelmed! Yes sometimes I feel like the timeline and anniversary dates is a good thing becauce then once they past they are past but right now? Fall is very hard but that will be changing at least some with my wedding in approx 2 months. so that will be a positive!but I lost Dad November 3rd 2020, last October 18th I lost my 2 year 10 month old dog (twin to our 3 1/2 year old) November 19th of 2023 we lost my senior dog I had since 8 weeks old , at 12 1/2 she threw a blood clot thru her heart and lungs they believe she passed away in my arms. and as much as I hate him and how he abused me, the fact I had to choose to pull life support or not I lost my first husband on December 9th of 2012. 13 1/2 years ago and I know in my mind that I did the right thing but then my mind wonders if I did it too quick due to how he treated me but at the time I had stockholm syndrome and did not see it as abuse I saw it as I deserved it all. I know he would live as a vegetable the icu nurse told me exactly how things would be. No hope of him ever really living again. He passed within 5 mins of pulling life support. and yes I agree PTSD is anxiety and causes normal anxiety to be worse!
When I saw my psychiatrist about 3 weeks ago, I told him I feel like the Wellbutrin is not working as well anymore. It did that the other 3 times I was on it too. I went off caplyta about 2 1/2 to 3 months ago now and I am more awake feelign during the day, at first I was sleeping better off it, now back to not sleeping much but I am also in a lot of pain from my fall, I would choke easy for a few years and then one day it popped up on Facebook an ad about caplyta causing choking and harder to swallow, I asked my psychiatrist and first we cut the dose in half and I was choking a lot less and then decided to stop it. He's not sure I need antipsychotic/mood stabilizer meds anymore plus I now use a third of the insulin I did on caplyta in my insulin pump, and caplyta is suppose to be one of the least likely to affect blood sugar or weight. I am now just on Wellbutrin for the depression, Remerom and prazosin for PTSD and klonopin. The least I have ever been on psych wise. Tuesday I get my CPAP so hoping I sleep better with it plus will be with 2 liters of oxygen in it. I don't drop super low but my oxygen does drop. Its not danger zone but its not good either. They said the need for it is due to how sick I was with the pneumonia, respitory failure and pulmonary embolisms last year. The smoke we had from canada ( I live in the UP about 3 hours from cananda as the crow flies) I had to go back on a nebulizer for awhile but am doing good now with my breathing. thankfully! That was without even leaving the house except one time when it was bad for my Drs visit and my INR to show how my warfarin level is in me. My Dr sent me home with masks and told me no going outside without one. My fiance got some K N95 masks for me then from the health dept they gave them out free to the vulnerable.
My mom asks me at least once a day how I do it all with my health. how I keep track of multiple med boxes and more than just morning and night meds, how I can deal with being a brittle diabetic and majority of the time having my blood sugars very well controlled, my endrocronologist said I am the only one who can get their pump to say 100 percent in range for not just a 24 hour period but multiple in a row. I just do the best I can. I know what the damage can do and I refuse to let it happen. Sugars went up after my fall but are now coming down plus I am back on victoza. I was on it for 3 years then 3 years ago had to stop it due to it stopped working now back on it, I got to my lowest weight while on it. I have 5 med boxes I use per day. but there's a reason. One is normal morning and night meds and supplements, then one is just collagen because its 4 large capsuls 2x a day and take up a lot of room plus you take them before eating, then the tonmya is a sublingual so I cant put anything in a box with it, then I have my warfarin and the dose changes often at times, and then finally the one that has my probiotics, meds for pain like my zananflex, low dose naltrexone, my prazosin, Tylenol, etc tts a twice a day box but morning has much less than night. IT works for me, after dinner I take out what I need for that night and for the next morning and afternoon and I have little plastic med jar type things that are I'm not sure an ounce or ounce and half not sure, so I use those to put the meds in so I'm set for 24 hours. I use different colored lid ones for different times of the day and it helps some keep track. I also do my moms and my Fiances med boxes. They take a lot less I'm jealous LOL but I also have my insulin pump and dexcome, B12 injection, I'm now on an injection for my cholesterol twice a month now that I had heart failure last year, even though its now gone with the clots gone, they approved it due to that I also take a shot once a month for my migraines, ajovy, I get Botox every 12 weeks which I get Monday, I take my vistoza daily, and I get a depo shot every 12 weeks. People ask why I don't seem upset when I'm being poked multiple times due to being a hard poke for blood draws and ivs (I rarely get an IV anymore) but it just is a part of life just like my diabetes. I also get poked at least once a week for my blood level the INR it determines how much warfarin I need based on howfast my bloods clotting. So I guess you can say I am just used to being poked and prodded.