I am 43 years old married, mother of 3 who was physically, verbally and sexually abused my entire childhood. I recently suffered another trigger and have decided it is time to deal with the sexual abuse once and for all. I have tried to bury it most of my adult life by being strong and independent but I realize it causes me a lot of pain and pain to others around me and I am ready to heal. Today I started reading "Healing the Trauma of childhhood sexual abuse" I almost threw up after the first chapter talk about buried emotions. I need somewhere to share and heal with people who know how I feel. I look forward to getting to know you all.

I am a 32 year old woman. I tend to minimize my abuse as a child & often think it's my fault. I keep most of it held inside & I never let anyone get too close to me. I've currently asked my boyfriend of 4 years to move out of my home. In the beginning - I felt it was because he wasn't a responsible adult & he didn't share some very important values of mine. Now that he's been gone for a couple weeks & I've been seeing a counselor - I believe it was much more than that. My goal this year is to work thru my past & find unconditional love for myself. It wasn't my fault - that little girl back then had no one to protect her. I'm nervous about joining this group cuz I don't speak of my past, but I know it's what I need. To know I'm not alone. I'm very independent. I'm vegan & love to cook/bake. I have a loving dog that I consider to be my daughter. I enjoy being outside in the sunshine, walking, spending time w/ my mother, and quiet nights at home.

hello...i am a 39 year old woman who was sexually abused by my parents, grandad, and family friends from the age of 4 to around 8-9. i entered a 22 yr relationship at 15 of which was very abusive in many ways. i left with my two sons and am now in a very loving understanding relationship with a wonderful man who has helped me to start my recovery. i have started therapy which at the moment is bringing flashbacks and nightmares to my everyday life but am told this is normal. i joined this site yesterday and have found it very helpful in the knowledge that i am not alone!!! Thank you xx

I just turned 40 and was sexually abused when I was 6. It happened twice by an older neighbor in Germany. We were there because my dad was in the army. This is where it all started. Then my sister was abused by a family friend and so slowly but surley I learned not to trust men. So I am not married and have no children. I started therapy a few months ago and am still hopeful for a somewhat normal life.

I recently joined this site. I am about 1 1/2 months in to working this healing process. Looking for and hoping that online support will help. Between the ages of 5 and 7, childhood sexual abuse took place. The ramifications of the effects are hitting me pretty hard in the face right now. I know that health and wholeness are waiting for me as I walk this journey, but oh my...I didn't know how difficult it'd be or how small the baby steps would be. I am doing what I know to do: counseling, reading Courage to Heal, seeking suppport but this is all still daunting, but I know the only way to get rid of the hurt is to walk through it.

I like writing, good conversations, enjoy my relationship with God, and am currently in grad school. I tend to be a bit animated too. And I like color...colors. They brighten up life.

Hello. I am a 34 yr old mother and wife. I was sexually abused by my stepfather at age 9, my father age 11-13, and repeatedly suffered sexual harassment in the work place from job to job. I have felt like there was a sign posted on my head that said "please use me for sexual frustrations". I fight with myself daily to just be able to let it go, and become free to experience a healthy relationship with my husband...but so far no luck. I refuse to just give up the fight tho, I am determined to one day feel "normal".

Peaceful Greetings, Dani and All,

First, I want to say Thank You for creating this space. Bless your heart. Next, I want to say Thank You to you and all the survivors here for doing the very best they could and can to survive day to day.

So, hmmm. About me. Well, I don't have any recall of any specific sexual abuse that occurred in my early childhood. There was one incident that happened later in childhood that often escapes my memory, which I suppose is a good thing in that it doesn't tend to haunt me all the time. I have, over years and years, gotten in touch with various emotional and psychological abuses that went on throughout my childhood. It was these abuses that I believe contributed mostly to the damages of the inner child.

The inner child... I'm sorry, make that 'my' inner child (I still occassionally have a tricky time with this) is gender neutral and is unwilling to accept a name for itself. Over time I've come to understand why the inner child needs that neutrality and I honor and respect that need.

Anyway, perhaps that's enough of an intro of the inner child for the moment.

My Beloved Wyfe and I make our lil Nest here in Central Pennsylvania and our Family includes all our Kindred Fur, Feather and Fin Spirits/Kids. All except the fish are rescues of one kind or another. I thank Divinity, Goddess and God every day for my precious Family and our Home. :) 'An it harm none, Blessed Be. :)

Once again, thank you for creating this space and I pray all Brightest Blessings for All, 'An it harm none, Blessed Be.
Toni ~ AyniaNightFish...
...Family With My Beloved CroneLunaWulf And All Our Kindred Fur, Feather And Fin Spirits....

i am....

complex. and damaged. i am 46. it's been a long road, and i'm sure i could have taken a more direct route. my parents didn't love me. as far as i'm concerned, of all the terrible things i've suffered, that was the worst. i think in his twisted way, my father loved me to some extent, he had emotions, but they caused more damage than what little good they did. he mostly was selfish and self-centered. my mother was dead inside, from her childhood. she shouldn't have had kids. i was physically and emotionally abused by my father, and emotionally neglected by my mother. my brother killed himself. he was the only one i loved. i counted on him to save me. i was 14. i was profoundly alone. i did not know how to have friends. i still don't. i'm starting to learn that now. i've been depressed and suicidal most of my life. don't talk to me about god or spirituality, because i hold such superstitious beliefs in contempt. if you want to delude yourself so you feel better, that's your business. i don't think talking therapy works. i think meds help. i'm trying hypnotherapy. i don't know why i'm posting this. i guess because i get lonely, and i hope someone out there will connect with me, but i know i hate most people, and that it is in part only a defense, but not wholly. i know it will never be enough. i know i need to fix the broken parts of me before i will ever feel better. cheers.

Hi, I am jae.. I was abused sexually, physically and emotionally as a child.. I suffer with issues of abandonment,I am also codependant. I joined this group cause I feel so alone at times and the pain seems unbearable. I am in threrapy and live with my husband whom I have nothing left to salvage in my marriage. I want to get past my past and learn to love and accept myself as I am

HI my name is Debby I am 46 and am a sexual abuse survivor, I am not doing so well right now, but am working on it.

hi,
I am on the journey of healing from the physical and emotional abuse by both parents, father being the main one. Those wounds can go deep. I feel that I haved made progress but has taken years and the pain and hurt is still there but not as raw as it use to be. It still challenging at times as I am still in contact with parents, there are reminders of the past, and they can still cause me and my sister new emotional hurt sometimes which doesn't help. We live far away and I do not visit them often. I am 46 this year and my parents are in their 70's.

I often have described my parents as twisted and not quite there, it's an emotional roller coaster with my parents. they can be kind and do nice things and then my father can still be a jerk, my mom has tried to be better and about 4 yrs ago she told me that she loved me for the first time and gave me this long hug. she has never been able to verbalize that to me, and my father has never said that. My mom is like a child herself at times, and has been emotionally abused herself, as a child and by my dad, he has been a controlling influence over her life and she has been submissive. If he died right now, she would not even know where the check book is or how to do anything.

She used me like her therapist when I was a kid and put a lot of burden upon me telling me things a mother ought not tell her daughter, she blew hot and cold, could be nice one minute and be hitting me in the next. There was so much yelling in our home, I would describe my father when I was growing up as an angry bitter controlling abusive a-hole. who had this charismatic witty side that people outside of our home saw. Even in his 70's he is still a bully towards my mother, but she just puts up with it. And people outside our home still do not know the reality of our family history or how they are now as it has been something that has been kept secret and hidden.
Our home when growing up was not peaceful, I felt insecure and afraid all the time. not only physical abuse but My sister and I was always yelled at, I was not allowed to yell back, I was submissive and compliant to avoid as much abuse as possible.

I feel it really did a number on my head. I suffer with anxiety, bouts of depression and there has always been a level of sadness with me. I had Rheumatoid arthritis for over 16 yrs until went into remission, I have severe osteoarthritis. i feel that my early childhood trauma gave me an unhealthy start in life and opened my body up to ill health. i was sick a lot while growing up and received little compassion and felt I was more of a nuisance to my mother for being sick.
and so when as an adult and was stricken with RA, i felt very guilty for a very long time blaming myself for getting sick.
i feel there are so many layers to the relationships between my sister and myself and between us and our parents. I have wanted to sever all ties more than once but then have felt guilty and think of forgiveness and have kept on going. I have not seen parents in 3 yrs but talk with them on occasion via phone or skype.
I get mad with myself at times because I feel that I still seek their approval, and I rehash the conversations that we have and think why the hell do I still do this.

hi my name is amy and i am a 41 year old woman who had two boys but lost them to the state. was abused by my stepdad for many years while my mom looked the other way. she went on to have more kids with him after i told the school councler. and i am an awlful speller so im sorry about that.i am in a real bad place mentaly and have thought of killing myself many times but am to afraid of the pain to follow through.

(Trigger)
I am new to this group but not to incest. My great grandfather started trying to finer me when I was three, I finally after a few time figured it would be best to just stay away from him. Then at the age of nine, my uncle of the same family started sneaking in my room doing the very same thing. I would try to cry out but he would not let me and he told me they would never believe me, I started sleeping with knives under my bed but did me no good, because I was too scared to use them. Then at age eleven, my dad and stept mother split up and we went on a trip with my and my sister Candy, I woke up to her crying and she would not let me in at all., All I knew is that two weeks later my sister moved out and was living with my Mom. Then, my father did it to me, twice he tried to rape me buthe was too big to put it in, so I go lucky, but then he would wear these sunglasses and for some reason my mom called and asked me if he had tried anything on me, well I broke down crying and said yes and she soon came to get me.. But no one seem to beliebe us, they acted as tho we made it up just to get attention. Well being at my Mom's house I thought I would be a lot safer. Until her boyfriends started doing the very same thing, I felt cursed or something, I used to scar my face thinking if I did not look the way I looked then they wouild leave me alone. But I would forget and fall asleep in front of the tv with my mom too drunk to see, he would come into the living room and I would wake up with his hands in my pants. Finally I picked up the phone and went to call my uncle the cheif of police. Well they bribed me with a hourse to get me to not make the call. He still tried but, I then learned at a early age what blackmail was. At the age of 16, I was living on the streets so I did not have to go home to that shit and my uncle form the same family asked me if I wanted to move wtih him to texas, I thought it would be great, I did not have any clothes or nothing so he took me. Then after two months he successfully raped me. I kept wondering why me, why were these people doing this to me. Well after that it was pretty much the last time, Because I finally moved out on my own and learned how to do for myself and work different jobs. As for an innerchild, I am sure I have one but my need some help tapping into her, so if anyone has any suggestions I would deeply appreciated it. Lots of Love Kase

Hello, I am a survivor of physical, emotional/mental abuse and sexual assault. I was abused physically and emotionally/mentally by my mother from about age four until age nineteen. She made three attempts on my life (two while drunk and one while sober). My father is very controlling and dictated everything my mom and I were allowed to do. He is also verbally abusive. I was sexually assaulted (several times) by a "trusted" teacher in high school and have been molested on several occasions by several different people. I have come very far on my own with the help of music, friends and peer counseling/support groups but still have far to go.

The above aside....
I am a (sort of newly) single lesbian who enjoys the arts (theatre, museums, galleries, photography, painting, listening to music, movies, drawing, writing, reading, concerts), baking, good (vegetarian) food, spirituality and spiritual practices, working out (weights, running and biking), being outside, enjoying time with very good friends, helping others and emotional & mental health and healing. I do have a love/hate relationship with psychology.

Hi Folks, I'm so glad I found you all as I've never spoken to other adult who was also physically abused since a
toddler.Right now, it's important to me that I do so as I feel so isolated and alone( and I'm not very confident on
computer). May the Godforce be with you.

Jimindigo