I'm a 35-year old single mother of 3, two of whom are severely disabled with mental illness. I was first sexually abused (that I can remember) at the age of 6 by a cousin. Then from 6-16, my brother sexually molested me, and I lost my virginity by rape to a friend of my brother's at age 15. My brother also physically and emotionally abused me, and my parents and most of my family were (and still are) very emotionally abusive towards me and my daughter (who looks just like me).

I have to take care not to become a hermit - I'd much rather be at home with my kids and block out the rest of the world than venture into it. I'm slowly coming out of my shell, and I am loving the amount of love and support I have found on this site. I was misdiagnosed about a million times before I went to a competent psychiatrist in my 20's (without the aid of my family), who diagnosed me with PTSD. My current prescription cocktail consists of Cymbalta, Paxil, Parafon Forte, Prevacid and Naprosyn. I've been on this for several years now, and while I still get depressed, I no longer get suicidal. I haven't done any form of self-injury in almost a year! Sometimes I absolutely loathe the healing process, but I have to admit that it's working.

hi, I'm 23 years old and I'm having a hard time right now. I was abused and now suffer with PTSD. The nightmares and flashbacks are hurting me and i want it all to stop.

Wow! I missed 'signing in' here!

I am 'Daisy' and I am 33 y/o. I am married with 2 children, 6 y/o son and 4 y/o dtr, 1 dog, 2 cats ;)

I was SA by my Step-Father from the age of ~6 to 16 y/o. NO justice was ever served upon him ;( I couldn't recall enough incidents, and my Mom who was in Denial wouldn't corroborate anything.

I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) until last year, 2007. Though, I was spiraling down with PTSD for the previous 5 years...I kept getting treated for plain depression and nothing worked.

I worked as a Cardiac Nurse for 9.5 years. I had to resign last year b/c of Cognitive Dysfunction I have from the PTSD. Now seeking Social Security Disability, and have been denied twice.

I am getting ready to really delve into my healing, now that I've found the right therapist! I am starting EMDR next week. I told my SA Story to my therapist last week, and have had 3 nightmares since then.

There is Hope in Healing...and I am ready to embark on this journey so I can live my life with Joy and Happiness...and be able to 'feel' again!

Hi... my name is Bel, 35 years old, adult survivor of abuse at the hands of my father. I thought that I had dealt with it, moved on with my life. Then, my mom, my rock, died and the walls that I had spent years building up came crumbling down. I don't know how to trust or to let go. But I am in therapy, trying to get better.

Hi i am 41 and have been married 15 yrs. , no children . I do not work , so i guess that makes me a housewife . I love crafts and reading . I am a survivor of sexual abuse , rape , alchoholism runs in my family and i have a eating disorder . My abuse started early age 5 , and thru out my life till i was 27 . I am a stay at home person , most say hermit .

I'm a 23 year old working single mother. :) Just trying to make myself better and heal all the open wounds. Nothing really too special to share, aside from the fact that I'm an optimist with a refusal to accept negativity.

My name is beybey I feel like I'm joining an alcoholics anonymous group hahahaha. I'm a mother of one girl and wife. I was abused physically and mentally and emotionally growing up. The older I get the worse I feel.

Hi everyone, I'm Stokesy & 27. I've only just started to come out of my shell during the last 6 months. I was abused by my step father and my Mum and neglected by my Dad during my childhood. I been trying for years to overcome this, mostly by blocking it out with my career, but recently it has become my number 1 focus as I want to feel better within myself. I love photography (which I hope to make my new career in the future), music and teddy bears (been collecting the last couple of months & I have around 30).

I am 33 n i am dealin with issues from my past. I am needing some friends to help me through. I feel soo alone and scared soemtimes. My dad and foster family were ones who abusd me along with my mom

Sandra

Hi, I am 39 years old and am trying to heal the child within. I too have been sexually abused & raped by my babysitter and neighbour as a child, and an adolescent. I was also raped 6 years ago. Recently I have been diagnosed with chronic & severe PTSD. Two years ago I graduated with a College Diploma in the Social Services Field. I took this program to find out about me and why I do the things I do. Most of my life I had isolated myself for fear of being hurt again. (Trust issues). At the present I am in Counselling for the Sexual Abuse and my Gambling Addiction. I am still learning and trying to understand myself amd my behaviours. Recovery is a lifetime committment and at times I feel frustrated and the little child within emerges and I make hasty decisions and unhealthy choices that effect my life in more ways than one. So here I am looking for all the support that I can get and I will certainly help you and the others in anyway that I can. One thing that I do have in my life that is positive and inspirational is my little nephew - Gabe who is two years old. He has brought so much joy and happiness to my life. I do believe that he is a part of my life for a reason not only as an auntie but to help nurture my child within. You see I just became a first time auntie when Gabe was born. I have never been married, been single for a long time. Had a few relationships that ended in physical abuse as a young woman and over 10 years ago that ended in emotional abuse. With this, I thank you for this group.

Hi. I guess I'll start out with the easy stuff... My name's Darla. I'll be 18 years old in exactly 119 days (my birthday is on 11/19), I love going to church, I rollerblade like all the time, I don't really watch tv at all, I have 2 baby dollies I've had since I was 5 and 10, I do believe in the inner child because mine is 8 years old, I have a passion for writing and am actually in the process of getting my poetry published and later writing an autobiography, I plan on attending Pace University in New York, I have a 50 pound cat named Sissy because he's scared of his own shadow, and I live with my grandma... WARNING: THE FOLLOWING MATERIAL MAY TRIGGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. I've been raped 3 times from the ages of 8 to 16 1/2. It all began one morning when I was 8 years old.... One morning, unlike any other morning EVER, I awoke to the screams and shouts of Steve shouting "BURGLAR! BURGLAR! THERE'S A BURGLAR IN THE HOUSE!" Now, I'm an intelligent young woman and when I was a child, my intelligence was no difference... translation: I was no dummy. I looked around for a minute. I thought in my mind... Wait, nothing is disheveled or out of place. Is Steve playing some kind of game with me? No, wait again... his face is really red and he's shaking what's wrong? What's going on? I turned my back for a second... just a mere fraction of a second and my whole world changed from that moment on and it will never be the same ever again. When I turned my back on him, he lunged at me and got me to the floor. He kicked me, punched me, pulled my hair, and he was yelling at me. I couldn't understand him though. I didn't understand what he was doing! No one had ever hurt me like this before! Then he held me down and proceeded to rape me.I screamed so loud! My mom was downstairs in the basement the whole time. Finally, Mom came running up the stairs and she started beating on Steve with her fists. He didn't budge! She clawed at his back with her nails! I screamed for her to cut my hair because he was pulling it out. My hair was down to my butt. I just wanted him to stop hurting me! He had pulled out then anyway. Mom was afraid that if she left us, he would kill me! She finally grabbed a hold of one of his hands and bent his thumb all the way backwards. He screamed and let me go. She yelled RUN! I ran out of the house as fast as I could! I ran as fast as my little legs could take me! My grandma's house was only a few blocks down the street! I didn't know that back then! I was so young! I was so petrified! I ran to the only place I thought I could run. I ran to my neighbor's house. I don't even remember if it was a single man, a woman, or couple who lived there, I just remember I knew who lived there. Whoever it was, they weren't home, but thankfully, their front door was unlocked! I ran inside that house as fast as I could! I looked around! I desperately needed someone! ANYONE! Now what I should have done next was just find a phone in the house and call 911, but I didn't, instead, I ran out of the house and back to my own. I ran up the steps and looked in the window. Steve was beating the hell out of my mom! He dropped her as soon as he saw me. He ran out of the house and chased me around a parked car. Soon I heard sirens and police cars and a patti wagon raced down our street. Police jumped out and tackled Steve. He was handcuffed and thrown into the wagon or whatever you call it. All I know is that I wanted someone to wake me up and tell me it was all a bad dream. No, this couldn't be further from a bad dream! This is way worse! A grumpy old policeman walked a shaking little girl over to her mommy. No one paid attention to my blood, no one paid attention to my hair that was missing! I WANT MY GRANDMA! Mom took me in the house, cleaned me up and drove me to Grandma's house. Then Mom left only to return to disrupt the safety of Grandma's house with Steve! She brought him in the house. I was deathly afraid of him! I wouldn't go up to him for a long time. Then when I finally did, he picked me up and placed me on his lap. I was really uncomfortable and I didn't want to be there. He said he was so sorry and that he never meant to hurt me. I then asked what happened to him. He wanted to tell me the truth, but Mom thought I wasn't ready to handle the contents of what really went on, so I was made to believe that what happened to me was a result of a seizure. For years I was brought up thinking that it was normal to get raped and molested by men in your life. Actually I didn't even know what the heck the definition was of what he was actually doing to me. Steve would walk around the house with his boxers on in his "excited state" and Mom actually would get angry, but she would eventually turn her face. I had to sit on his lap. (shudder). I was told not to talk about anything that goes on in our family at school or to friends because otherwise I was breaking an "Italian family rule" meaning that Italian families didn't say anything about family business no matter what was going on outside the home. Shortly after that whole "seizure" incident with Steve, Mom broke up with him. We moved back to Grandma's house and I was safe once again. For just a little while, I could be a kid and not have to worry about being hurt or protecting myself. Then, BAM, one day about a month after I got raped, I started my period. I cried! I didn't understand it! How is an 8 year old little girl supposed to learn how to use a tampon? Well, I had to learn. I did, but it sure wasn't fun!
Mom got back together with Steve and it literally broke my heart! This happened off and on quite a bit. He moved into Grandma's house and it disrupted my safety net! Let me explain what I mean... One day, unlike many other days, Mom and Steve went out. They left me in the house home alone. Grandma was in the upstairs apartment so if I needed her, I just went upstairs. When Mom and Steve returned from whatever it was they went out for, I wasn't in the downstairs apartment. No biggie, it's ok, they just thought that I was upstairs with Grandma like countless other times. Mom called up the stairs for me to come down, "Darla!" I didn't come down because I wasn't up there. Grandma said she hadn't seen me. Now everyone was on high alert. No one knew where I was! Everyone went searching throughout the house. Mom found me shaking and crying curled up in a ball in my closet in the far corner underneath some clothes. She dragged me out. "Why the fuck were you in the fucking closet? What the fuck?" Then she spanked me. I screamed I didn't know. Steve was right there the whole time so I was afraid to tell her that he had been doing anything to me! I WAS AFRAID, GOD DAMN IT! I HAD A FUCKING CHILD RAPIST AND MOLESTER STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! I know because of this incident that this is when he must have started hurting me more. I'm just speculating, but that's what I think. Once more, Grandma was ripped away from me! During the summer of 2000, Mom, me, and Steve (yes I said Steve!) moved to Rockford. My mom got a trucking job where it took her away for 2 weeks at a time. Steve was the only one who would watch me! Holy hell it was horrible! I would scream and cry for Mom but she would never come! When she would come home, I would run to her in unconsolable tears and she just attributed that to me missing her. I would sleep with her, but she wouldn't tolerate that for long. Then she started abusing me, so I had absolutely no protection from anything that was happening to me! When I was 12, I found out the truth about what happened when I was 8 years old! My mom told me the truth! Mom had originally bought that house to rehab (fix) it. While Mom and Steve rehabbed (sp?) the house, they decided to have a little "fun." Mom or Steve, I don't know who, but somebody purchased some crack and some cocaine and they had their "fun" in the basement all while a sleeping 8 year old child lay in her bed just up the stairs. Mom either has no memory of me being raped or she just doesn't want to remember it. I don't care what she remembers or what she thinks she knows is true, I know what happened and I will never forget it! Jump now to age 17, I was in the er at Kishwalkie (sp?) Community Medical Center because Grandma and I had just been involved in an extremely serious, near fatal head on collision! It was the first winter ice storm of the year. Grandma wanted to go see Auntie. We didn't leave early enough, therefore, we didn't beat the storm. I walked away with scars on thighs from the seatbelt cutting through my jeans from holding me, a sprained left wrist, and a nearly fractured left ankle and a severely swollen lower left leg amongst other bruises of course. Grandma, however, was not that fortunate. She was pinned in the car and she was extremely ill. Of course I couldn't go to her. Grandma trusted me in her house alone, but Mom thought I had bad friends. Steve picked me up later that night from the er. I went to his house for a week. The molestation happened all over again. Then Mom picked me up. That was the last time he molested me and that was in January of this year (2008). This just covers the sexual abuse from Steve. From age 13-16, I was forced to give my boyfriend handjobs (not blowjobs THANK GOD! I think I would have died!), he asked me to have sex numberous times. I always said no because I was afraid. When I was 16, 10 days after my birthday actually, that all changed. He went behind my back and asked my mom if he could have sex with me! I SAID NO! NO MEANS NO! IT'S MY BODY! IT'S MINE! On November 29th, 2007 exactly ten days after my 16th birthday also a month and 4 days after I had my 19th major brain surgery amongst other surgical procedures, I was raped by Ricky. I kept quiet. I layed there silent. I curled my toes up because if I squeezed my butt muscles, I thought it would make it hurt more. There was SO much blood! My mom was right downstairs! She gave him condoms! She let him sleep in my bed! MY BED IS MY BED! NO! MY BED! YOU CAN'T SLEEP IN MY BED! IT'S MINE! I SAID NO TO HIM! He said "If you love me, it doesn't matter and it's not rape because you'll want it sooner or later. And I'm going to marry you when you're 18 anyway. You're gonna be my baby mamma!" I held back tears! The following morning, I had to get up for school at 6:30am because the bus came at 6:50am. I had the same shirt on that I was wearing during the rape, the night before. I threw on some jeans and I rushed downstairs. My mom was awake sitting on the couch. She looked for the first time like my mother. I cried and sat next to her. She held me close in her arms and it felt so weird because I'm used to my mom beating me, not hugging me. She asked nothing. I just told her I wasn't ready. I was too afraid of what Ricky would do if I said anything or worse, if he woke up. I went to school that day barely being able to walk. I told no one. I kept it all to myself. wait... I know this sounds like a lot and it is, but theres more. My mom extremely physically abused me from the time I was about 11-16. When I was 11, that was the first time I got to feel what it felt like to fear your mother and REALLY FEAR your own mother. We were argueing over something or other, not unusual for children to do with their parents, and she beat me with a broomstick. I have a very deep scar on my right lower thigh from it. I went to school that day bleeding. My teacher took me to the nurse and cleaned me up. She asked me who did this to me. I was so afraid to tell! I told her though because I trusted her. I trusted her to protect me. She said she would help me. She said she would have to call my mom, but I wouldn't have to talk to her. I sat in the room and waited. My mom came down to the school. I could hear her in the other room... "What? hahahahaha! Darla is such a clever child! She did that to herself! She's been trying to get me put in jail since she was 5 years old!" I wept silently to myself. All hope was gone. The school then said that since I came to school bleeding, that mom had to take me home. I went home only to stay out of school for a few days, receive bruises (which were now made sure to be covered up), and either a few weeks or a month or so later, I broke my wrist from a metal pipe being whacked into it like my wrist was a baseball and the metal pipe was a baseball bat! It was just attributed to my balance issues back then due to my medical condition. Any time I went to the hospital, I lied because I was deathly afraid of my mother! Over the course of years, my mother has cracked lunge whips (for training horses) near me to force me to do chores, chased me with a pitchfork, tackled me to the ground and nearly broke my jaw from sucker punching me, choked me to unconsciousness (or an altered state of consciousness, I really don't remember), thrown me out of a dodge pick up truck and into a ditch all while she was speeding down the road, tried to kill me with a sledge hammer, made me touch her breasts while she was high, and that's all I think anybody can handle at this point.

I am now just 56 and at the moment feel(65)lol,a grandmother with a 13 year old grandson living with me .He has many issues with abandoment and clings to me literally (then wants to abuse me).His mum died at childbirth and his dad couldnt cope with his bad behaviour so abandoned him a year ago to me.I would love to just love him through all this,unfortunately he doesnt trust anyone ,and he doesnt feel lovable

Hello, my name is Melissa and I'm 22 years old. I was sexually abused by my babysitter during kindergarten. I haven't really began to deal with it yet and have only told a few of my friends who I no longer have in my life. My family is my main support team and they don't even know, so I'm basically without support right now... but I want to heal. I've been through a lot, physical abuse, some emotional abuse, I used to self hurt (but try really hard not to anymore, it's been about 6 years!), panic disorder, pretty bad anxiety, trust issues, abandonment issues, on and on and I feel most of it can relate to the sexual abuse I suffered as a little girl. I'm so glad that this group was created because I've been searching for support groups in my area and don't feel like any of them are a good fit for my situation. A possitive thing about me... It's kind of ironic but I'm the 'go to' person for a lot of my friends and family when they are down and need advice or a pick me up, I really enjoy it though. I thrive off of positivity and can usually find it in anything. I'm a huge lover of the natural world (some even go as far to as I should have been a hippy) and enjoy learning anything and everything on a daily basis. I'm looking for friends on here, a possible support team to help me start the steps to dealing with this, so please feel free to message me or talk to me about anything!

Hi Dani

My name is Lou. I am a 35 year old survivor of child sexual abuse. SA began at 3 and continued with several perpatrators until I stopped it at 23 years.
I am mostly a sparkly person and have some very good friends and an amazing teenage daughter.
I think this site is a great idea and am hoping to be able to give good advice as well as gain some understanding to emotions and behaviours I have that I don't understand or find helpful.

umm hi my name is Sandra and i was abusd from what i can remember anyway is 3 1/2 until about 19...but i stillg et the rejection and emotional abuse by my father. I was abusd by parents, foster parents, and relatives. I have one sister and we lived in our bedroom alot of the time. Too scary to be in real world. other than in school which was a "safe haven" for most aprt. My sister got less of the abus cuz i took it for her. sometimes now i wonder why i did that. My mom died 10 years ago and now my dad rejects me and totally wants nothing to do with me because of his new "wife". I am tired of being rejected and so are the "others". Wont get into that! But the "social services" are suppose to protect you....YAH RIGHT!!!!!

Sandra