Well, as you said, you don't "think" that he is cheating and he works hard so you could: Take your chances and just live your life or wait until you feel more stable to make a decision. It seems you are in a very vulnerable situation and he knows that.
If you are at the point where you are barely functioning, could you think about getting into an intensive outpatient (or inpatient) psychiatric program so that you can put some space between you and try to get better. You didn't mention if you are working. If not it makes sense to really try to get some help and guidance while you can. Your husband does not seem like he cares and as you say is sneaky about finances and other things--that you make me wonder what he might be hiding. But in any event it sounds like for right now you need to focus on you. Breaking up might add more stress (but eventually may bring relief) which you don't need. Thinking of you and wishing you the best

Hello cottontail, (I like that character name :-)

Are you venting your feelings somewhat? This is really a good post, because what you describe is very common relationship behavior going on these days.

I know of marriages where the husband or wife or both are online searching for the secret life and a psychological affair. In my own family, one of my sisters is experiencing ideas to torture her husband on his death-bed, she is waiting for him to get very ill so, and these are her real words, "I can watch him suffer!" And naughty me, because I laughed in her ear when she said it, and this was not to be cruel, it's just that: what's the point?? Why not get out of a relationship that has no passion? What sense does it make to wait on the process of pain to satisfy hateful feelings? Reminds me of one of my favorite classic movies "The Little Foxes." Find the movie and watch it; perhaps it may help you to understand measuring up to true hate and despise in a marriage.

Anyway, you really do have a good reason to think things over, as it appears that your husband has issues to deal with in the matter of honesty and such. I figure that he is managing his internal challenges by serving his own selfish ideas, and this is really unfair behavior. This is a troublesome situation. And I don't imagine that it's a personality issue, nor a deliberate character blame. And this is because you both have a history to consider. Can each of you recall why you married in the first place? Is there still some appraisal of love or admiration? And these are important factors to consider before the level of stress has really skyrocketed.

I say get a notebook or start a few DS journals and invite a few loyal community friends to help you focus on the positive and negatives of your marriage. Writing a long list or a short list, to start, will help readers, and you, to get a reasonable perspective on your options relative to how to cope in this matter. Then inside of the process of sharing your honest emotions, your outlook, there's a good chance that you may see the circumstances in which you have more control over the hurtful part of what's happening to you. Your husband also should be actively deciding a satisfactory outcome as well.

You, and my sister, as well as so many other tender-hearts of ladies have my greatest love, and I hope for you to soon relax around these strong issues. Just begin a good social support of good DS friends, think and write out your feelings.

I leave you with other links of helpful DS support communities:

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/healthy-relationships
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/breakups-divorce

You are in my thoughts and prayers. As you know, I am going through a similar situation. I understand oh so well about having those moments thinking it is not that bad. And yes, there are many people far worse off than us. Moments where we think we can just grin and bear it and keep on going through the motions. I am here to tell you that is no way to live.(as I am sure you are finding out)

We spend all of our time taking care of them and trying to see their needs, but in the end , they don't care about ours. I filed and served papers to start our divorce over a year ago. But he wouldn't agree to it and we have financial issues to work out ( and if we can do some of it on our own as opposed to the attorney doing it ad charging far more , I decided to try to work out some debt on our own first.) MY stbx would have health issues so I put things on hold to help him get through a surgery. This came and went. Each time I muster up courage to continue with the divorce and finally be free to be on my own having just myself and finally MY NEEDS to worry about... there is ALWAYS ANOTHER EXCUSE to draw me back in.

About 2 weeks ago, I would fall and have to go to the ER. He was there to take me and did help me for a day or two. Now I was feeling that I should be appreciative and stay. So here I still am. But I do still want to (and eventually plan to) go.

You deserve someone who will be honest with you, will listen to you and HEAR what you are trying to say.... to be appreciated and told and shown that you are loved. . We ALL deserve that. Mine is honest with me, but does not really hear (or even listen) to what I try to tell him. I now sensor my words and thoughts because often he will try to shift blame on me when Iam simply trying to tell him how I feel. He now say the words, but his actions speak very differently. . Mine simply has no desire or need for affection physical touch (or sex) and thinks I should do the same... just go through the motions.

I felt about as attractive as a garden slug. After chatting with so many, I have been lucky to find others who would help me to see that I am a good person with a lot to offer convincing me not to give up. I really hope that I (and many others ) can do the same f0r you.

Jannytheresa is right. I also think you should try now to reach out and get help for yourself... whether it is outpatient or inpatient. If he gives you a hard time or ridicules you about reaching out for counseling or therapy, maybe you would do better to try inpatient. Many years ago, circumstances would lead me to a voluntary stay in mental health. It was something I knew I should do but I was scared to death. I would wind up there over a week (closer to two as it had helped me so much and there I felt safe and understood... I did not want to leave.) I had very compassionate and patient counselors as well as a social worker assigned to help me with steps I needed to take ( even scheduling a surgery that previously doctors would not even consider)

There are people who can help you. I pray that you may find the courage to reach out as I did. I believe all happens to us for a reason and we learn from each step of our journey. This is one of those for you. I send love and hugs, Kim

When you are that depressed decision making is impossible. I understand
I am 57 years old. I am too in an unhappy marriage. 5 years ago I began plotting how to leave it I guess I believed my children would join me but I was wrong
I met a man who swore he’d take care of me. He moved me to an isolated location ( I do not drive anymore) & mentally & emotionally abused me untill there was nothing left. I left & he came back & roposed to me. No one had ever proposed to me bf so I came back. That’s when the abuse & the games ether loaded gun got completely out of control. I wish he had hit me instead bc people would’ve believed me
I have to continue w this story later as I do have a point but I’m at the laundromat & husband wants to leave( I did divorce him but married him again last month .....tbc

...hugs to you, Susan! (deepdark) I know that sharing your sad story will help many readers. I am so sorry for your pain. You are a good person, and no person deserves to be treated with such unkindness. Thanks for opening up today. Bless you.

Ty remiah❤️I was typing without my glasses so forgive my typos. Anyway my divorce came through. I found out from my husband. My “ fiancé” was too involved with my divorce. Trying to control it when it reallly was a no brainer. My lawyer was a friend of his & she saw his abuse first hand but dropped me when the divorce came thru. Never told me & never sent me papers. My fiancé was retired at age 50 & had a ton of money bc he knew how to work the system. He was living off the alimony he sued his ex wife for... who he constantly compared me to along with an ex girlfriend. He still kept their pics up but none of me. Just them & the dog. I digress. I came into 50,000$ that he forced me to invest in the relationship. And he was loaded mind you. One day he silently handed me a piece of paper & walked away. It was the number of a day hospital. I went & finally accepted that I was being terribly abused when everyone there kept asking me if I felt safe going home. This man had the emotional equivalent of a child & fought dirty. Kept throwing me out till I would beg forgiveness & promise to be good. The day I left he had his whole family there “ for his protection” & they all told me to get “ help”
I stopped my klonopin addiction & was silently going thru horrible withdrawal when my mother & brother convinced me to move to Arizona start my life over. Remember. I did NOT drive I had no health insurance I knew no one except my 83 year old mom & brother. I moved twice( my roommate had a bad drug addiction) ended up living alone miles away from everything including the grocery. I hadn’t been alone in 30 years & for the first time in my life I couldn’t even buy salad dressing bc I could not afford it. My mother & brother do not believe in mental illness so my rapid decline infuriated them. I legitimately suffer from bipolar borderline personality disorder & PTSD. My mother had to drive me to a free clinic for meds as I was terrified of Uber’s & of leaving my apt which I HATED I continued to decline & became incapable of talking eating getting dressed. There was also no reason for me have abandoned my kids bc I couldn’t even hold a job. I have 0 skills & was so mentally unbalanced. I flew “ home” to take care of the animals while my family went on vacation & had a full blown nervous breakdown complete w banging my head against walls & windows trying to jump from moving cars & other irrational behavior. I got back on a plane to Az in that state
I was so desperate to have someplace to go I even got in touch w my abuser & asked him to take me back. For 6 months ( altho I could swear it was 6 weeks) we would text but he would never speak to me on the phone. I finally thanked him for reminding me he was an asshole bc I had forgotten & that was that. I began speaking to my ex husband in depth bc at least he was familiar w my mental illness. Not a big help but tolerant of it. I broke my lease made arrangements to go back to ny. Used the money my father gave me to give to my kids when he died to hire a moving company that destroyed or lost all my possessions. All my jewelry gone. Photos of my father as an actor performing with James dean al Pacino Irreplaceable things. My ex husband just gave me crap about not insuring it. No sympathy. My clothes gone. So I settled in with my family again in a slum that’s too small( we lost our original house when I left. I sleep on the couch I brought with me from Az my meager possessions are piled on an unused elliptical in a corner. I sleep in plain site of everyone while they entertain like some sort of vagrant. It’s humiliating. I haven’t shared a bed with my husband in 20 years. His habits are beyond disgusting. But he loves me he keeps me fed & doesn’t demand much in return. It’s actually better this way. My brother( who is a sociopath. I didn’t invent mental illness in this family)won’t speak to me anymore bc he feels he bent over backwards for me & I chose to come back home remarry my husband( I need health insurance & he needs the tax break). I gave my brother 75000$ to buy his home & start his business( he’s very successful) I figure if he spent 15000$ taking care of my needs in Az he still owes me 60000$. But I’ll never see it bc he’s mad. Or hurt. No I have nothing.
I’m sorry so long but I would never advise anyone to stay in an unhappy marriage but if you’re our age & not financially independent & don’t have a definite support system set up & it’s tolerable & you’re safe I would say just do your thing & let him do his. IMHO. Much love to you

Since you're undecided, I would take a last try. I think he is stressed and men tend to look more under stress while women's desire decreases then.
I would tell him you love him, and would like to try to work things out. Throw several compliments, start and end with them, tell him you'll work on things on your end and ask if you two can try to work things out. Perhaps a therapist would be helpful. Note he likes these magazines because he is in control, something he might lack with you.

If not, and he's not interested, then discuss an amicable divorce and then consider and look forward to a new life with new challenges. At least that's my take.

It's never easy decision deciding to stay or go. It sounds like this has been ongoing which does probably mean he won't change. However have you ever left or threatened to leave ? Have you tried to have a serious discussion about what he does and how it makes you feel. This really is a form of cheating but like you say how do you know? I sorry your going through this. It's not a good feeling I know. It's hard just deciding what is best to do. After so many years there are many good feelings and memories too.

thank you everyone for your wisdom and kindness. I feel like I have given up. when I look at him all I feel is how much of a liar he is. I could forgive the lies and the deceit if he said sorry. but when I caught him out all he said is "well your not happy so just end it". I told him that I was not happy being lied to but all he did was to give me the silent treatment like I am the one who has been caught lying.

he just wants to continue with his secrets and hiding things. when we were younger it didn't matter so much but now retirement is looming and if I cant trust him not to take huge amounts of debt out behind my back then I am leaving my future in a very vulnerable position.

I have thought about just doing my own thing but then I fear being more dependent on him say if I had a stroke or something as he will walk right over the top of me.

In my heart I wish that he would at least attempt to talk to me and sit down and try to work it out but he wont. he just responds to any dialogue with silence or walking out. He does not put any effort in to our relationship at all and continues to do things that hurt me. if he cared surely he would at least try ?
thank you again every one . I wish you peace and happiness

as suggested I have started a journal with positives and negatives. writing it was really difficult, it doesn't seem real some how but everything written is true. I have put up with so much but never confront him with his actions as it just ends up worse for me. therefore he gets away with it and leads the life he wants getting his tea handed to him as soon as he walks in, I must be some kind of fool

I am someone who has been in very few romantic relationships and have never been married and have no children so I can't really speak to that with experience. But, I have had and still do have people in my life who are greatly disrespectful and am also caring for someone older.
I know there is not an easy solution but in a perfect world, if you had enough money and you had somewhere else to go, I bet you would feel better without this person in your life unless he is willing to change, and like you say, he probably is not willing to change.
getting to that point is not easy though.
is there a way that you can get some space from him without actually divorcing and moving out.. like an intermediate step?
are you in therapy? coming here is good, too, I think.
I just hate the idea of people being with people who are treating them badly and they feel stuck
because I know how bad that feels since it has and is happening to me.
I think I've always felt better (after some period of adjustment) to being on my own that being around someone who treats me like crap.
that sucks that he is looking and porn and ignoring your efforts and communications.
no offense, but he sounds like a narcissistic asshole.
anyway, I didn't read all the other replies but it looks like you are getting some good advice here.
hope you can keep an even keel while you navigate your way through this. hugs

That is how they operate. I was doing the same thing. Keeping quiet or guarding my words trying to avoid the next argument (but in the meantime the resentment builds in me. I have found an outlet here and with quite a few friends who will listen and WANT to hear what I have to say.)

My stbx does try to listen now. He tells me he loves me and he appreciates what I do, but in the next breath he is asking more demands... do this , can you get me that... and even though he could help a little, he leaves everything for me to do. He believes saying the words and not cheating is all he needs to do.

I struggle , just like you, wondering if I should continue to grin and bear it. But then I think of the fact of all the extra work and responsibility I have to take on, the fact I cannot do or say what I want to half the time or the fact that I sometimes give up trying to keep the house clean since he is content living in a pigsty. Starting over without dealing with this all is awfully tempting.

My clock is ticking too. I did feel grateful as 2 weeks ago when I fell he did take me to the ER. … and actually help me for a day or two... but it was clearly in his time (making sure I knew he still controlled things) He has reminded me that he was there for me several times in the past when I had health issues (but what he conveniently forgets is that many times he truly wasn't )

Truthfully, I wonder if your hubby would step up and care for you if you did need him? The way he has treated you, I think your children or a friend (or professional) would do much better by you.

Both of our husbands understand that we believe the vows are for better or worse and that we both have low self esteem and although we say we need and deserve more , we will continue to settle. They use the silence and anger and their phenomenal way to shift all the guilt onto us when none of this is our fault... and mine uses fear against me. Fear and guilt have always stopped me dead in my tracks. Sadly, most who know me know this.

I send love and hugs and pray we both find the strength and courage to do what we need for ourselves.

Hello,

cottontail, I'm happy to know that you are writing your story out for the sake of clarity. And it is a pleasure to help you with that if you decide to make friendships while visiting DS. As you can tell, many are prepared to help you by sharing their own stories. You have many observers here in this thread, and I'm hoping you've added each as a friend.

The best to help you will be the love and prayers of those who care for you. I can tell that you are now in the utmost pains of your marriage, and marriage is not about suffering in daily anguish and pain. Marriage is much more than daily distress. One more thing to suggest is for you to educate on the role of a wife and mother (that is, if children are involved). And there are many articles online that you may read, only stop and take a moment to really sink in your heart what is told or suggested. There is a divine purpose for womanhood, and let nothing stand in your way to prosper by this knowledge. I tell you this for a good reason: wherever there is ignorance or at least a lack of understanding in regard to the value of family, the duties of family, with regard to the obligations of a husband and wife, then there is the problem at hand. As I have written, prayer, daily prayer, and genuine care and love is the only way out of this type of unhealthy marriage relationship. You have to feel the love of the Lord in your life. I know this by personal experience as a fact.

I have much charity in my heart for you today, and I hope the best for your life. God be with you.

Hi Cottontail. I am so sorry for all you are going through. My first inclination would always be for the marriage. You don't indicate how long you have been married or if things were good at one point in time. As we age there are so many medical issues that can cause behaviors like you mention in your husband - as well as emotional and mental issues as he is facing retirement. For you as well. Please get both of you in for a full physical if you have not done that recently. Then, are you in counseling? I hope that you are. Good counseling will go a long way in helping you deal with these issues. Do you have a church you attend where you can get some guidance? Ultimately I pray that you and your husband can reinvigorate the love you had when you first married. I will be praying for you.

Hi cottontail. So sorry to hear what you are going through. Yes, being in a marriage for 15 years that you dont want to be in is definitely a trap. I read through the suggestions on this thread and the only thing I would add is reading good positive material. Books, quotes, affirmations, inspirational material etc...can really be great tools in feeding the mind with positivity. As I am going through my own depression, I compiled a list for myself that I read. Feel free to browse through them if you like https://motivationping.com/quotes-depression-sadness/