Hamster - I can see that you are not able to do that, but the reason that you can not do it is because you do not have the needed healthy boundaries of your own.

I really say that you appear to be hiding behind the 12 Steps and the CoDA group instead of doing the hard task of creating the healthy boundaries for your self.

And recovery is not about ME ME ME - only selfishness is about ME ME ME.

Or about you you you.

MORE JUDGEMENT ....SEE what I mean.
I don't hide behind anything. I've survived more abuse that you ever could of. Did you read my SHARE.. I gave a perfect example of how Going BACK AND CONFRONTING YOUR ABUSERS doesn't work.

Go ask your DEAD WIFE if she cared about your OPINION OF HER! I DOUBT SHE DID.....I CAN SEE WHY SHE DIDN"t! The only thing you wanted was to heal there WAS YOUR OWN EGO, YOUR JUDGMENTS LIKE THE ONES YOU'VE GIVEN HERE.
THEY'RE WORTHLESS AND CONTRADICTIVE AND ABUSIVE!
YOU'RE AN ABUSER. ...Everytime you tell people to go BACK TO THEIR ABUSERS!

"And recovery is not about ME ME ME - only selfishness is about ME ME ME. "

recovery is about the individual learning to assert themselves and finding strong and healthy boundaries.
I'd rather be on the road to ME, that the foolish road of telling everyone else their HIDING. I don't need to judge people like you do. I share my own story, so that they or judgments of my recovery! ASSHOLE

* so that they..... can chose their own recovery. Not someone like you, hiding behind a computer pretending to be an authority on CODA ISSUES telling others the exact opposite of what 12 step programs Therapist and healthy boundaries are. You misconstrue 12 step programs and the word BOUNDRY constantly. You really must of had a bad experience at 12 step programs to be so embittered. I think that might actually be your own achilles heel! You see 12 Step recovery isn't about your ego and the constant need to be right.

Hamster calling others names is verbal abuse...everybody is free to express their thoughts. Its upto each one of us to take what is right for us and leave the rest.

All - A forum is to express opinions not to state who is right or wrong. Everybody is right in their own way .

I have also noticed that this blog is an example of classic codependency -drama. I dont have to agree with every opinion ...i only see which fits my puzzle as a best answer that being said i am gonna close this blog if the drama continue to persists.

I dont agree with Booky in lot of ways ... i am not where he is and i see he consistently tries to fix me... another act of codependency...

My situation with my friend according to me is dealt with. I spoke to my friend who tried to fix and she understands that she doesnt havw to fix this for me. About the abusive friend we met up and she tried to explain where she came with verbal abuse which turned out to be its all my fault in subtle fashion. No ammends were made ... no appologies...
Therefore i have decided to end this friendship and said her that i need to work on myself and you and i will not work that doesnt mean i hate u or angry with u ...it means things are not going to be same as they were and it doesnt mean i wont talk to u or smile at u ...i willand hang out with u ...may be once a while..hope u understand and left it there.

Despite this my exfriend went to the mediator friend and asked her to fix this for her and threrefore mediator friend was trying to fix. I just had to stick to my ground... everything worked out fine..

I have choices and i made best choice for me that is to detach from so called friend.

Hamster - to judge is not only okay but we are to learn how to judge correctly, as we all need to be able to judge right from wrong, and to judge healthy from unhealthy.

Refusing to judge between right and wrong is morally bankrupt.

We are to judge the action and not the person.

Being judgmental is a totally different thing - see link below:
http://www.gurusfeet.com/blog/what-quot-being-judgmental-quot-realy


To "daystar" - you are implying that the mediator trying to "fix" things is some kind of dysfunction, and in codependency trying to "fix" the feelings of other people is wrong, or trying to fix the consequence for an abuser or for an addict is wrong - but trying to fix a relationship is a high noble deed.

Marriage counselors try to fix people's marriages, and Psychiatrists are trying to heal (to fix) their clients, and every person on the planet earth has to try to fix some relationship in their lives.

I wish that I had some people in my own family who would start trying to fix our family issues, while most do not want to fix anything.

We are fortunate and lucky and even blessed to have people who care enough to try to fix things, and it is far more often that those who will not help to fix things are the ones with the true dysfunction.

Of course all this is just my opinion based on my perspective and based on my experience and my research, so I do say it as I do believe it to be accurate and true.

Why is there a need for others to fix my issues for me when i didnt even ask for it .... my therapist doesnt fix me or my relationships she just brings out clarity to what i want and how i want to go forth abt it... ultimately its my responsibility to screw or fix my own issues...

And yes focusing on others issues and fixing it for them is codependency... why is it a problem because lot od people forget to see and fix their issues instead ready to point others and focus on others issue. I was there and its just self defeating behavior that just ruined me..

Thats again coming from my experience. It didnt work for me so i started focusing on fixing myself and then focusing on others.

Namaste!

I think you're on the right track. You don't have to be friends with this person, just be cordial. Is your friend a "fixer" with a lot of stuff? That might be an issue of hers. You don't have to make it yours. Just make it clear to her where you are with this friend, and ask her to leave it alone. If she respects you and your boundaries, she will.

Hi hgb: I saw that you mistakenly placed your post intended for here on another thread. It probably was a sign to reconsider even posting it here. I wish if felt it necessary to address Hamster that you also would have addressed Booky and that would have been fair.

Booky has not been an angel here for a long time and I put him on ignore because for a long while he has acted like a internet troll. He has repeatedly told people specifically that they are wrong, and used movies as examples for how things should be. He is not tolerant of other views. In fact, I noticed he repeatedly runs the women down that ask for help telling them they are not doing enough for their man, for their family or their community, but really gives no responsibility to the man involved in their lives. The man can just sit and be a sponge if he wants.

And he doesn't really approve of CODA meetings. He has a subservient third-world view of supposedly "helping" those with codependency. He doesn't understand codependency to actually be able to help people with it and his line of belief wouldn't be accepted at the Tucson facility he has stated several times.

I think Hamster has provided some really good background on codependency, the CODA meetings she has attended, what she has learned, her life experiences and I am glad she has included them. They are very valuable for all here to read and learn from. I am sorry that she has had to deal with Booky and gotten no support from you in doing so. Hamster, I so agree with you and I appreciate everything you have posted. Thank you for all you posted.

Hamster is not the first, nor the last, to have it out with Booky. So buckle your seat belt, at times it is a bumpy ride.

daystar ask = "Why is there a need for others to fix my issues for me when i didnt even ask for it"

It is because we all need other people, and other people need you.

People who need people are the luckiest people - video song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bwppplxq0yo

Alcoholics Anonymous was started for people helping other people to help fix their drinking problem.

You might nit-pick on the word "fix" but people fixing people is synonymous with people helping people, and people saving people, and we do not need to do our work all alone, and it is not healthy to try to be alone when you need help.

It is true that you need to fix your own issues, but there is nothing wrong with a friend or even a stranger to offer to help you do the fixing.

It really is a big compliment when you do have some one who is willing to help you on your issues, and you could try to be grateful.

Booky Theres a difference between asking to offer help versus fixing things without even my consent. I surely know there will be another note from you Booky giving me ur own twisted ideas... Save it .. I dont need any from you seriously.

ATGB

Sorry I didnt mean to sound mean.

I didnt mean to bring Hamster down. I understand where she is coming from and i really have empathy for Hamster for what she has gone through and what she replied back and forth makes sense.

DS does not appreciate Name calling and I have zero tolerance for Verbal abuse. That's about it. I appreciate all her responses here.... Thanks Hamster.

hbgdaystar,
No problem, I need to ignore Booky. He doesn't know me and yet makes judgments about me and others. I don't always remember that, just like I have found the road to MY own SELF and Happiness, I must also Trust that those reading this board will find "Their" own recovery, in spite of Booky's archaic therapeutic advice. This experience of going back and confronting the abuser was proven bad advice and not longer used by therapist. I just wish he would stick to HIS PROGRAM and not use his Gnostic egomania to pick on others and put them at risk. I think from my shares on here, I have shown I have met with several ex-abusers. I was very nice to them as they are to me. I would open my home to any of them in a heartbeat. (with boundaries of course.) So, he really doesn't know me not my CHOICES of completion or boundaries.

LOL I did worry about being mean, (we're so CODA.) I knew I was being mean/ This issue is far to passionate and important to let a narcissistic fool hurt other people.

*To all of you, please forgive me if my words offended you. I will try to ignore Booky by signing on to my account, where I have him on permanent IGNORE. If I open the daily sends in my email, I have to see the words of the officious fool.

Hamster: I am hoping that you will not leave the board as a result of what happened. You really have a lot to offer here. I should have written and told you this before now.

I appreciate when you post about the CODA meetings and discuss them as thats valuable information for everyone here. I appreciate when you post about your experiences because you discuss getting out of them and learning from them. I really appreciate when you use what you have learned and your experiences to come to a solution or an explanation on a situation. You explain it and bring it all together so it makes real sense. You make understanding codependency so much easier for all of us. Thank you so much and I do read what you write.

I do not take putting people on IGNORE lightly. Its when I believe they are out of control and exhibit troll-like behavior. It has allowed me to read so much of this board and get the real flavor of what the members are saying. Its a much calmer board using the IGNORE. Many hugs.

I also suggest that people put Booky on IGNORE and then they can get what they need out of this board.