First of all, you aren't a loser because of your economic situation. You aren't worthless, either. You are just going through the emotions of losing someone you loved, while also dealing with this shitty economy. Everything you are feeling is normal. Just remember that this is not the end of the world. Keep your head up and continue working to get back on your feet again. When you are able to find a job, you will be able to move out on your own again.

As far as the infidelity, there is nothing you can do to change what happened. You will have to ride out the pain for a while, until you get to the other side. Good luck and I'm sorry. This is a good place for you to talk with people...

I am feeling much the same way as you. My husband initially told me on our anniversary. I wanted to reconcile and he wanted to just hang out and be friends. I too am jobless and living with the folks again. I've met some people in a support group which has been good. My confidence and self esteem are shattered too., though they'd been missing for a while. Time has made things better, but still I have good and very bad days. I've been better when I am busy, which also has been hard to do.

I wish I could say I've stopped wondering why this is the end result, but I'm not there yet. I don't have answers for you, but I'd say try to keep busy and active. get in touch with friends and try to find a support group if you can. I found mine thru meetup.com. It has helped me to laugh again and given me some hope that there is a tunnel somewhere in the distance. I've learned that you can't change another persons behavior or make someone want to be with you, but that doesn't really take the sting out of anything.
Hang in there.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You've come to the right place and I truly hope you find this discussion forum a source of strength and support for you. You are not alone. Its been almost two years since I separated from my husband and its been a year and a half since my divorce was final...so I'm farther along in my journey. I can tell you...that its taken me ALL this time to realize one important lesson.....Please take this to heart....it is the absolute truth.

HER actions reflect her....NOT you. Her decision to be a liar and a cheater is reflective of the person she is...and has absolutely nothing to do with you. You should not EVER judge your own self worth by the actions of another person.

Welcome to the group. So Sorry youre hurting but so glad you found us. Everyone here has/is going through the same thing you are. We understand and offer support, advice and even an occasional laugh.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.

NEVER make someone a priority who makes you an option.

Everyone will react differently to divorce. There are common stages you will go through. Stages much like those we experience at the death of a loved one. Knowing what to expect will help you find your way through the stages but nothing takes the negative feelings away.

Just like with grief of any kind it is common to move back and forth between the stages. You may find some of the stages easier to navigate than others. The thing to remember is that you eventually make your way through to healing and hope.

Emotional Stages of Divorce:

Denial:

You find it hard to believe this is happening to you. You refuse to accept that the relationship is over and struggle with trying to find solutions to the marital problems. You will spend time believing that if you do or say the right thing your spouse will come home. You hate feeling out of control of the destiny of your marriage. You will be convinced that divorce is not the solution to the marital problems.

Shock:

You will feel panic, rage, and numbness or like you are going crazy. You will swing between despair that your marriage is over and hope that it will be restored. It will seem impossible to cope with these feelings

You will experience some common fears when thinking about your future alone. You will wonder how you are going to survive. Will you ever find love again, will the pain ever end or will you feel this way the rest of your life are all feelings you will experience during this stage.

Rollercoaster:

You cant seem to settle your feelings and thoughts. You swing from being hopeful to feeling utter despair. During this stage, you will try to intellectualize what has happened. If you can only understand what is going on then the pain will go away and all will make sense again.

You will tell yourself stories to try to make sense of it and your imagination will run wild. You will wonder if there was more you could have done, or if there is anything wrong with you. Maybe your spouse never even loved you. You will wonder if your entire marriage was a lie.

There is a lot of mental re-hashing during this period. You will fill as if you cant control your thinking and find yourself obsessed with the failure of your marriage. Depression is a danger at this stage and you may cry at the drop of a hat.

Bargaining:

You are still holding onto the hope that your marriage will be restored. There is a willingness to change anything about yourself or doing anything and that if you could just get it right, your spouse would return. The important thing to learn during this stage is that you cant control the thoughts, desires or actions of another human being.

Letting Go:

During this stage you will finally realize that the marriage is over, that there is nothing you can do or say to change that. You will become more willing to forgive the faults of your ex spouse and take responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the marriage. You will begin to feel a sense of liberation and some hope for the future.

Acceptance

The obsessive thoughts have stopped, the need to heal your marriage is behind you and you begin to feel as if you can and will have a fulfilling life. Suddenly you are looking ahead and not behind you, you are making plans and following through with them.

You will open up to the idea of finding new interests. This is a period of growth where you will discover that you have strengths and talents and are able to go forward in spite of the fear you feel. Your pain gives way to hope and you discover that there is life after divorce and the future is made brighter due to the pain you have suffered.

There is no project plan no time line. No schedule to when it stops hurting. But it does get better. breath by breath .minute by minute step by step. Day by day

Heres a manual weve put together to try and help:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/2816539-manual

Hi HB.

Sorry for what your going through. It's time to start thinking about taking care of you! Spend time doing the things you enjoy.

If you don't already start an exercise program. Even if it's just walking every morning. It releases endorphins which can make you feel better both emotionally and physically. This will help to keep you motivated to do other things too, like looking for a job, or going out to spend time with your friends.

Take care of yourself, no one else can do it for you.

Welcome to DS. You came to the right spot. I'm sorry this happened to you. You are a good person. Terrible things have happened to you, that's all. They were out of your control, so go easy on yourself. I'm in a similar spot as are many of DS folk here. They have given good advice, so I won't belabor it. And don't apologize for the length of your posts...at least we can read it! I suggest to really journal your feelings. I have been here a year with some breaks. Just last night, I went back a read my early journals. I have come such a very long way, and you will too. Just hang in there and things will settle and sort themselves out and you will arrive at a better place. Big hugs to you....sorry for your pain.

Thank you so much for all the replies. You have all brightened my day so much more. I really appreciate all of your support and if I can help you in any way, just let me know. I'd be happy to and try my best to help. Thanks again!

HB

Thanks again for all of your kind words and caring. I believe I forgot to mention that my wife was also drinking and partying at bars and also smoking weed (which she knew I hated). Even though I tried to make boundaries and be understanding, she went against everything I said. I was busy in school and with work at the time, so I couldn't keep a leash on her and I didn't know what she was doing. Well, unfortunately, I know now.

Everytime I told her that she didn't need to go out and she should stay home with me or go out and do something with me, she threw a fit and it turned into a fight. I just got tired of her yelling at me and would let her go. That's what I have to do now though, just let her go.

Welcome to DS. I'm sorry for your pain. We know that drill all too well and it is so sad to see someone going through this hurt. Here are the links that a fellow DS member, PGamble and with contributing members, put together. We all care. It's time roll up your sleeves and start taking those necessary steps before we MARCH MARCH MARCH. Do your part and we will walk beside you and you should seek counseling in addition to your daily strength. Godspeed.



http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/2816539-manual



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358621-stages



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358615-loveless



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358611-7steps



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358596-no-contact



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358587-forgiveness



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358584-loving-yourself



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358575-loneliness



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358567-pastas-posted



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/forum/Off-Topic-Posts/6358554-drama



http://dailystrength.org/help/crisis-resources



http://www.hud.gov/homeless/index.cfm



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/6969338-your-message



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/7880220-break-up-survival-guide/lastpage



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/8291684-survivors-bill-rights/lastpage



http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/8686330-101-little-instructions-surviving/lastpage

Here is another contribution from a beloved member that will be leaving us...Zen11...we will miss her and we thank her for so much and of course, for her parting words that she allowed me to share with you:

I have watched many come and go...and come and go again. I have read too many "good-bye cruel DS world" threads, not that there's anything wrong with that. Its just not my thing. As much as I would like to acknowledge some wonderful people publicly, I'll just keep this here and hope that some find this with sweet serendipity.

I'm certainly one who likes to give her opinion and advice, so it really was difficult to end my thread addiction. So here is my final advice (yeah, gotta have the last freakin word):

On online support group etiquette:

1. don't be an ass. I could write a dissertation on this topic alone. I will spare you.

2. yes, there is a difference between a 20 y.o.'s 2 month relationship blowing up and a 40 y.o.'s 15 year marriage tanking, but pain is pain. Have some compassion for pete's sake. Refer to #1 before responding.

3. number nabbing is a serious sport. it is not for the weak or those with dial up connections.

4. online groups aren't all that different from "real people" groups. you wouldn't walk into a party and start talking shit about people you don't know so don't do it online either. read the threads. read the responses. learn about the people in the group. refer to #1 before responding.

5. creating multiple profiles, trolling, stalking, etc. is creepy and just plain wrong. shame on you. refer to #1.

6. nothing good can come of starting a thread after midnight on a lonely Friday night while drinking. trust me on this one. okay, maybe some good. those who are sober are usually thoroughly entertained.

7. starting new threads every half hour that pretty much detail your every thought is grounds for banning. okay, it isn't, but it should be. Journal that shit.

All right. Getting off my high horse now. I should be allowed up on the soap box once and awhile considering my veteran status. :)



On break ups:

The best advice I ever received is the same advice that made my blood boil when I first got it. Take care of yourself. I didn't understand what that meant on many levels and no one ever expanded on it. In a nutshell (cuz an entire book could and should be written on the subject) bring the focus back to YOU. There is a time to vent about what an asshole your ex is, but that time really needs to be short. Get it out. Journal, bitch, scream and let it go. Then bring the focus back to YOU. Basics. Food, exercise, hygiene, etc. Every time you catch yourself complaining about what the ex is doing or who they are doing it to, stop. What are YOU doing? You won't change what she/he did. You won't change her/his behaviors. You can only change yourself. Live the life YOU want. Right now.

For God's sake get some therapy and don't take all your advice from some whackos on an online support group site. :)

Anymore advice please? Thank you all for helping me so much already. I'm still get so sad when I think about all of the good memories we shared. I feel like some places we used to go to are ruined for me now. Anyone else ever felt this way?

You've already gotten some pretty good advice. Only things I would add....

1.) If you don't have a gym membership, get one. Or figure out some physical outlet for the anger that will come eventually. Because it will come. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but you will feel and you'll need an outlet.

2.) I completed hated the advice I'm about to give you but it's the truth. This is going to take time for you to get over. And everyone has their own time table. Don't compare your time table for mourning your marriage to mine or anyone elses and certainly, do NOT compare to your STBX wife.

Going through this is a process, and it's not linear.

well, our wonderful president said that things are getting better, sure..that's why you are living at age 32 with folks. but seriously, you did the right thing, get out of this marriage early, so you can meet someone worthwhile. she sounds like a tramp to me....

heppy

" I'm still get so sad when I think about all of the good memories we shared. I feel like some places we used to go to are ruined for me now. Anyone else ever felt this way? "

This is going to happen, and I always thought it was some cruel joke the universe was playing. Just when I thought I was angry, fed up, or cried out enough I would remember the ONE nice thing he did or the one good time we had to the seventy bad times.

There were good and bad times, but the result was what it was in the end because it was time to move on and he was no longer good for me for whatever reason.

It sucks. I rely on my friends here a great deal. Some days I feel like I'm almost out of the woods, and other days I feel like death warmed over. The roller coaster. I am still trying to find the positive in this and get my life in order, because I did lose him but I need to find myself again and get myself on solid ground.

I wish there was an easy answer but there isn't.

I think DAB is right about the gym membership. You need to create a new life for yourself, and many of us have lost our feeling of security and had our lives turned upside down.

I wish I could "fix" everything for us all, I truly do but I hope you find the support here to somehow make your way again. You seem like a nice guy and deserve a better life. A much better life then before :)

I was married for 17 years, when I found out my stb ex was having an affair. My father passed away the same week, and I needed to fly out of state for the funeral with our daughter. When I retturned, the neighbors told me that the IM was at my house while I was away at the funeral. Nice huh? I was hurt and angry when I found out, but I have been trying to move on with my life. It doesn't matter why the stb ex did what she did. I had thought about trying to reconcile too, but after a while, I realized that it wouldn't work as I could never trust her again. It isn't your fault that you lost your job. The economy is bad, and many good people have lost their jobs through no fault of their own. I think that it is great that you moved back home. The support of family is invaluable. I only wish my family wasn't so far away from me. Glad that you found this site. There a lot of great people here, who have been through many of the things you are going through. I am glad that I found this place when I first separated from my stb ex.

try to remember that life is bittersweet. on any given day, we have some of the best things in our lives happen and some of the worst. the important thing is to keep perspective and balance. we cry when we have to and we maintain our routines. we laugh with friends and we reminisce alone. balance and keeping the basics of life firmly in place so that we are remaining healthy in as many ways as possible.

as DAB said earlier, take damn good care of your body. this i no time for boozed, drugs, or to let yourself go.

and, as others have said in their great advice, your wife's character is a reflection on her values, not yours. you must survive because you have an important life to live.