Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Moved thru Shock/Disbelief, Denial, Panic, now in Deperation & Misery. It's just a deep dark pit and there is no rope to climb out

Yeah, pgamble those stages are so true, so necessary, and so ridiculously devastating. The weird part, is we must go through them to heal. We think we began healing, until somethin' new comes up, and we re-live those stages, sometimes 2,3, or 4 stages concurrently, move up, and then fricken go back!
The grieving process is probably the hardest thing in the world. To me it's harder than when someone physically dies, because we justify it that we have no control over life-n-death.
Whereas the grieving from break-ups & divorce are much worse, because we feel that we did have some control over the relationship, that we should have control, that we want to have control, or that our partner should have controlled their crappy impulses. Notice the word control came up repeatedly, and yet we really have none at all in the break up process, it's just a falllacy. If they wanna leave, they are gonna leave. We can't change, we can't control, except ourselves to some degreee.

And then, the last irony is: we can't even control our devastation, our feelings & emotions, at times due to the loss, so we go round and round on the merry-go-round, and it ain't all that merry.

But we can try to control our negative thinking patterns, and try to surround ourselves with peace, friends, family that are positive, and then we have a chance!

Lots of hugs Pg!!

OOps, you forgot "acceptance", the last stage.

Ahhh, now when one gets to that level, the rest are less extreme, less often, and more bearable. Won't erase everything, doesn't guarantee shit about any of the old ones resurfacing now and then, hopefully a hell of a lot less than before though!!! :-)

Wow...
Thanks for the posts..this hit home as did the responses. One day I have 'leveled up" to acceptance just to hear or discover something that "levels" me down again...it's getting better, though, I must admit :)

I accept this is hard and it will continue to be hard for me. I accept everyone will not accept my decision. What more?

I try to post this for the newbies.... I think it's a good explanation...

Everyone will react differently to divorce. There are common stages you will go through. Stages much like those we experience at the death of a loved one. Knowing what to expect will help you find your way through the stages but nothing takes the negative feelings away.

Just like with grief of any kind it is common to move back and forth between the stages. You may find some of the stages easier to navigate than others. The thing to remember is that you eventually make your way through to healing and hope.

Emotional Stages of Divorce:

Denial:

You find it hard to believe this is happening to you. You refuse to accept that the relationship is over and struggle with trying to find solutions to the marital problems. You will spend time believing that if you do or say the right thing your spouse will come home.

You hate feeling out of control of the destiny of your marriage. You will be convinced that divorce is not the solution to the marital problems.

Shock:

You will feel panic, rage, and numbness or like you are going crazy. You will swing between despair that your marriage is over and hope that it will be restored. It will seem impossible to cope with these feelings

You will experience some common fears when thinking about your future alone. You will wonder how you are going to survive. Will you ever find love again, will the pain ever end or will you feel this way the rest of your life are all feelings you will experience during this stage.

Rollercoaster:

You can’t seem to settle your feelings and thoughts. You swing from being hopeful to feeling utter despair. During this stage, you will try to intellectualize what has happened. If you can only understand what is going on then the pain will go away and all will make sense again.

You will tell yourself stories to try to make sense of it and your imagination will run wild. You will wonder if there was more you could have done, or if there is anything wrong with you. Maybe your spouse never even loved you. You will wonder if your entire marriage was a lie.

There is a lot of mental re-hashing during this period. You will fill as if you can’t control your thinking and find yourself obsessed with the failure of your marriage. Depression is a danger at this stage and you may cry at the drop of a hat.

Bargaining:

You are still holding onto the hope that your marriage will be restored. There is a willingness to change anything about yourself or doing anything and that if you could just get it right, your spouse would return. The important thing to learn during this stage is that you can’t control the thoughts, desires or actions of another human being.

Letting Go:

During this stage you will finally realize that the marriage is over, that there is nothing you can do or say to change that. You will become more willing to forgive the faults of your ex spouse and take responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the marriage. You will begin to feel a sense of liberation and some hope for the future.

Acceptance

The obsessive thoughts have stopped, the need to heal your marriage is behind you and you begin to feel as if you can and will have a fulfilling life. Suddenly you are looking ahead and not behind you, you are making plans and following through with them.

You will open up to the idea of finding new interests. This is a period of growth where you will discover that you have strengths and talents and are able to go forward in spite of the fear you feel.

Your pain gives way to hope and you discover that there is life after divorce and the future is made brighter due to the pain you have suffered.

There is no project plan… no time line…. No schedule to when it stops hurting. But it does get better…. breath by breath ….minute by minute… step by step…. Day by day…

i feel all these stages together...i just so confused now...

i went through all the phases but im at anger but only i guess i dont want her to die, it doesnt bother me much anymore if hardly, now and den i get a oh wow w.e i guess, but i guess its cuz im trying to accept it, reality hurts and as humans we want things now. we like to see improvement. but i saw it all along things happen so better things can fall together.