She gave you stability and peace but you abused it by cheating. Now that she has finally found herself, please let her go.

let her go even though she hasnt said for sure? sorry, but no, i wont just give up before shes says so either way

You know, I've read every single post on this Thread and one thing occurred repeatedly.....you, Nightfire argued with every single person, no matter what the advice was that they tried to give you. I'm pretty sure it's out of fear....but whatever the reason you've been given some constructive advice and you just excuse it away or fight it away.

I was married for 26 years to my high school sweetheart, he had 4 different affairs during that time. When I finally left him 6 years ago, I wasn't bitter, I was happy and excited to start my new life, because our marriage had worn itself through.

You've done several things to your wife, affairs with other women, be them emotional, they still took time, attention and care that you should have given your wife, away from her. You controlled her by constantly wanting to know where she was and used an excuse of "protecting her" to do so. You wrecked her Financially. That's alot to heap on a person and then expect them to get over it and be willing to talk to you and start immediately planning on when they'll come back. I can tell you that Women are quite different from men when it comes to Marital Separation, we need time, time that's not interrupted by constant texts or phone calls....time to think about the wrongs done to us and whether or not we think it's worth it to go back....time to think whether our Spouse has really changed...time to think about what it will be like if we do go back and will we be happy?

Your wife asked for space and time, you need to give it to her, stop texting, stop calling. If she needs to talk to you, she knows where to reach you. By ignoring her and texting her anyways, your just proving to her that you've not changed, your still controlling and you still have truth issues. This is not going to make her want to come back. If she can't even get you to do that small thing, then why would she believe you've changed the big things?

You say you can't go to Therapy right now, why? You need to go to Therapy and work on these behaviors that are a big problem for a married man, this would be a very good sign to your wife that your working on making you a better person.

I'm sure this is a nightmare for you, I'm sure your worried and scared for your marriage. But think of your wife, she's in the same nightmare but for her there's the added stress of all the wrongs that were done to her. And she's suffering through the Holidays just like you are.

Give your wife the space she's asked for, she'll talk to you when she's ready. Go and see a Therapist and start working on your issues, because if you guys work things out you need to have learned how to fix the behaviors that got you here in the first place. Seeing a Credit or Financial Counselor and getting on a financial plan to repair your Finances would be a good step. Words are cheap but actions are worth millions. You can tell her your better all the time...but if you're actually doing things to be better, that's much, more believable. Putting filters on your home computers or laptops so you can't go to the sites where you generally meet other women or putting a keystroke copy program on your computer so that at anytime she can see anything or anyplace you've been on the computer, would help gain her trust and keep you from being places or talking to people you shouldn't be. There are many things you can be doing to show your wife that your marriage is important and you're working hard to repair the damage you've caused, I promise you that will go much further than empty promises.

I hope that things work out for you and if you get down on the weekends and get stuck moping around the house, get out and Volunteer, there are tons of places at this time of year that need Volunteers, it will help others and it's good for your Soul.

Take care,
kat

i agree with everything you said Kat and thank you, though no i can not see a thrapist right now because the only day i get off is sundays and even then i no longer have a car, the only car we had was hers, i can barely walk much, i need back surgery, im going to do the best i can to not text her tomorrow, but she should text me to let me know if a package made it to her, i got her a chrismas gift. i am scared, im scared to hell that she will say no she doesnt want to try again, im scared to hell that i wont be able to show her the better me. i also know full well how bad this is for her being the things ive done, its what makes me hurt so damn much

There are several Online Therapy places now. Most have multiple Licensed Pdocs or Therapists on staff and prices run from $32 per week and up depending on how long your Sessions are and how often.

Talkspace.com is one that I've referred people to in the past, they have several Therapists on Staff and their rates start around $32/wk.

Therapy is Therapy whether your sitting in someone's office or whether your sitting on a computer doing it over skype or a textcall App. You might want to look into it and see if this is something that might work for you.

You need somewhere to funnel all that fear so that you don't end up starting up with the texting and such again. The other thing I can recommend and I've done it for the entire 28 years I've been BiPolar is Journaling, just getting all the crap that's in your head out onto paper. It doesn't have to be fancy or formatted just right, it just needs to leave your head and get onto paper. You'd be amazed how much clearer it can be to think when your head is not so cluttered with crazy thoughts and fear and anxiety and panic. I'd grab a notebook and just start writing each day.

the journaling i might can do, any therapy right now i can not, i do not have an income, i take care of my dad most of the day, by the time i have time off its bout time to take meds, wind down some and go to bed to wake up early to do it all over again, and no i dont qualify for disability, i missed the work history window by a few months.

its the whole reason i came here

One thing you'll learn about me is I don't judge. I'm very "to the point" I say it like it is and don't do all the fluff and stuff.

Every Social Services offices in every City/County offers Mental Health Services of some type. They're based on income or lack there of, and generally have a very minimal co-pay or none at all.

I get that you have to take care of your dad and that takes up time, but if you can't even find time to work on yourself and your issues, how do you expect to work on your marriage issues? You've said you told your wife if she comes back you'll do marriage counseling....you've given multiple excuses as to why you can't do any kind of Counseling or Therapy on your own.....how will you manage to do Marriage Counseling? See this is where talk vs. action comes into play in a very big way and at this point your all talk, and women notice these things and it makes a difference in whether they choose to go back in the situation that was so bad for them.

You say you have no income, was your wife supporting you as well, because I imagine that was another problem for her, if she was out working all day making the household income while you were doing what you were doing. I say that because I was the Bread winner for my Household, my ex-husband couldn't hold a job and I was the one with the multiple College Degrees and had the 6 figure income to pay for all that my children needed.

If I were you I'd look into some type of Benefits to help with your dad, so that you can find some time to work on you and your issues and in turn your marriage. Because Honestly, until you start showing your wife that there are changes and your getting some help with your issues, she's not going to be in a hurry to come back. Your dad should have some kind of Social Security income that helps with his care and he should qualify for a nurse or attendant to come out a few times a week to help with him. That would give you the time to find some type of Social Services Mental Healthcare to work on your issues. But just sitting and typing here and coming up with a reason why you can't do most of the recommendations given to you, I'm sorry but that's not going to bring your wife back...that's not change.

This doesn't count as any kind of Therapy, this is just people talking to other people like them and seeing what they can come up with.

im sorry, but my dads money helps pay the rent and bills that him and my mother have, also i have no say so over his caring or money when my mother, his wife is in charge of all of it so when shes out working i take care of him and when she gets hom its very late and i only get sundays off, so thats that.

if my wife will let me us try again, my mother said she will work around things if not i can just go and do what i need to do.

its easy for people to sit there and tell me what i need to do when they have no clue what goes on in our home, these are not excuses, i dropped the group therapy i had because my mother was no longer able to get those days off and so now i only get sundays and right now im a tad ticked that i have to defend my reasons to someone that has no clue

Its not that people are judging you when they have no clue what goes on in your home. It's a support board, people are going to give you opinions, ideas, support.

It's kind of unrealistic to think that a grown man is not able to have a job or any free time of his own because he has to stay with his father all day and evening, because his mother works and she says so.

Now if someone said that to you, what would you think. Honestly I'm surprised you were able to have any kind of marriage under those restrictions. Its also hard to believe that your mother, whom from what you say doesn't pay you any wage to help with your dad, would not give you $32.00 a week to see an online therapist. This is why people think your making excuses when it comes to fixing things so that you have a chance at getting your wife back. Because if you just sit and do nothing, make no effort to change anything....your wife is not going to come back. I'm not sure you've really thought about that and the consequences of not changing your situation.

believe whatever the hell you like, i hope to God you are never in my situation in life

Give your wife a break, she needs her space. Think about her needs this time and just leave her alone. If you truly love her let her go. If it's meant to be then she will find you. I speak from experience, I was a run away wife, tired of the same old promises. After 20 yrs of "I'll never do it again". Good luck.

I was in worse than your situation in life, when I left my husband he wanted to stay in our home with my oldest son, so I let him. My 10 yr old and I moved to a condo in town. The year that my ex lived in our home he did not pay 1 single $1500/mo mortgage pmt. At the end of the year he moved in with his girlfriend who was the whore he'd been screwing when I left him, and I had to move back to our home with my sons after he and his whore had trashed it. It was then that I found out there was $18000.00 back mortgage due. I couldn't cover that, so we basically lived there and waited for the eviction notice. When it finally came I sent my youngest to live with his dad, my oldest went to live with a friend and I lived in a friends barn for 3 weeks where my stuff was being stored, no electricity, no running water, no toilet or kitchen. I peed in a bucket and slept very little as rats and mice ran around at night. After the first night I just started sleeping in my car.

Don't think you have it so damn worse than everyone else when you don't know jack about what anyone else has been through. I have 7 major genetic/chronic illnesses and diseases. I've had 30+ surgeries in the last 19 years, I take 22 meds a day, pills and injections, oh yeah and I'm 28 yrs. BiPolar. But I was the one who had to make the money in my 25 yr. marriage, take care of my boys, make sure they had a home. I've been in Pain Management for 31 years so I can walk, and drive and get to work each day, because I don't expect anyone to take care of me, I take care of myself, I always have since I was 9 and my father molested me for 4 years. You think your life is so awful, it's not squat. Everything bad that you're going through, you brought on yourself, and you're not doing a thing to change it...that's on you.

Some of us just get handed crapass lives no matter how much we do for others, or how much we Volunteer or how well we treat our loved ones. So don't even talk to me about being in your little situation. Good luck with your life, I'm out!

and stay out, you are ignored, learn from what you said your self, dont presume to know anything of my situation

Hello Nightfire,
I am very tired I just came back from being in the hospital with my son whom had seizures, I sort of read this post and the first thought if you only have Sunday off, you might want to consider go see a Pastor that offers free counselling in a church near you... I have done that when I could not afford a therapist.
Having Faith helps, if you have no Faith this is not the best advice. My ex went to see a pastor for advice he is not a believer and it help him somewhat. He was able to find housing and work with the help of the church.
I understand that you feel like people have an easy say about helping you.
You write here to get support, you also need to take everything with a grain of salt.
We are not here to attack you.
You are hurt and it is normal.
Now you need to care for yourself and your parents. Focus on healing and not on your marriage.
Your healing your well being first.
Then perhaps you will see things differently.
To be very honest I feel like you are doing the poor me attitude , you brought this to yourself now own it and change it.
I think she had her reasons for leaving and you need to respect her choice and work on yourself.
Let go on the fact you want her back because that is selfish!
When people move many states away from someone it is because they are moving on.
I make you mad, be it be mad.
Then shake it off and do something to get out of your pit because you dug it, you have the power of getting out of it, I believe that you can because... I did got out of mine and it was a pretty ugly pit. If I was able to get out of my ugly muddy pit, which was a second failed marriage, I believe that you also can. I did 3 years of therapy and 3 years of abstinence, I realized how worthy I was, I became a much better person and I have now been happy with my 3nd husband for 9 years. I was toxic, I was jealous and had difficulty not to be abusive. I worked on myself enough to avoid to be a toxic person.
Wishing you best
Marie