Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
More2Life
I had been dating a girl for almost a year. There were a few red flags. She had a temper, and the communication between us was usually a one way street (we would talk, but she wouldn't understand me).
On to the story....
We were supposed to go to Disney World with ALL of our kids. She has two, I have three. There were some unresolved issues that I wanted to discuss before we left on the trip. The discussion never happened, so I ended up cancelling the trip at the last minute.
My ex-wife arrived to drop off the kids, bags packed, etc.
My girlfriend was furious, screaming at me in front of the kids, etc.
I realize the timing was bad, but I was afraid something dramatic would happen in Florida if I went with her, and I didn't want to subject my kids to that.
This was a big stressful situation, and the kids were starving, so I took my ex-wife and the kids to dinner, as they were all in shock and had never seen my gf behave like this.
At dinner, my gf started calling me. I texted her and said I didn't want to fight. I eventually answered her call. She asked where I was. I told her I had taken my ex and kids to dinner. She told me to come home immediately. I said: I can come back after dinner.
She was at my house, and then threatened to start breaking my property. I told her if she did I would call the police. She then called my ex and told her to make me come there. She said: He's a grown man, I can't make him do anything.
We hurry up and finish dinner. I arrive at my house and there is a firetruck, paramedics, and police. She had called 911 because she was having a panic attack.
She was taken to the hospital, where she refused treatment. She went to sleep and drove to Florida the next morning with her kids.
While there, she slept, cried, and fought with me via text. I tried to calm her down, but nothing worked. I suggested counseling when she returned.
Three days later, I was getting ready to take my kids to dinner. My ex was bringing them over. It was about 6pm.
My ex-girlfriend calls and demands to come to my house and get a few things she'd left. Non-essential things. I thought she just wanted to have a fight, so I told her it wasn't a good time. I asked her not to come.
She came anyway. She rang the bell, knocked very loudly... over and over, for about 3 minutes.. I ignored her.. I was still trying to get ready to leave the house to take my kids to dinner.
She then used several large rocks to break the windows next to my door. I called the police. She reached in and opened the door and came in.
I went to my bedroom and blocked the door. She was screaming the entire time. She said things like: "I just want to talk to you!", but I didn't want to have a "conversation" like that.
She forced her way into the bedroom, so I went into the master bathroom and blocked the door again. The entire time, I am holding a phone, so this is quite awkward.
The 911 operator asked me if she had any weapons. I said: No, I don't think so.
I peeked out the door, and she was standing there holding a steak knife up to her throat. I backed away from the door, and she entered the bathroom. I said: "OMG she has a knife!"
I decided it wasn't a good idea to try to fight her for the knife, because either of us could be seriously injured in the struggle. I reached up slowly, toward the knife with my left hand. My motions was kind of like what you do when you're saying "calm down" and hold up your hands.
I put my hand close to the knife blade, as it was erratically moving, and two of my fingers were sliced. I backed away and watched my fingers bleed.
She said she was going to go get my gun, and suicide by cop, because she knew they were coming.
She called me a "pussy" for not fighting her. That hurt my feelings, but I realized that if I did engage with her, I would end up going to prison, or dead.
The entire time, I was in fear for my life. I had no idea if she intended to stab me.
She went downstairs, and the police came. The police told me it was okay to come down.
I was in shock. I couldn't believe what had just happened.
She was arrested for burglary, aggravated assault, and possession of a weapon while committing a crime. All felonies in Georgia.
She is a certified teacher, and will absolutely lose her certification is convicted.
I feel like this is all my fault. I wasn't perfect in the relationship. She had issues with jealousy. I never cheated on her. She didn't like that I had friends who are female.
Now, here I am. I took out a Temporary Protective Order against her. I want to contact her to tell her that I'm willing to work with her attorney to reduce the charges if possible.
She went to jail for the night, but her parents put up their house to get her out of jail. The bail was $40,000.
I didn't want her to get into so much trouble. All I can say is WTF. I haven't spoken to her since. This happened 4 days ago. I want so badly to communicate with her and see if she is doing okay and let her know that I am willing to help reduce the charges if I can.
I know I should probably try to move on, because this was an unhealthy relationship..
I just need support to deal with this situation.
Is anyone out there?
Thanks,
More2Life
On to the story....
We were supposed to go to Disney World with ALL of our kids. She has two, I have three. There were some unresolved issues that I wanted to discuss before we left on the trip. The discussion never happened, so I ended up cancelling the trip at the last minute.
My ex-wife arrived to drop off the kids, bags packed, etc.
My girlfriend was furious, screaming at me in front of the kids, etc.
I realize the timing was bad, but I was afraid something dramatic would happen in Florida if I went with her, and I didn't want to subject my kids to that.
This was a big stressful situation, and the kids were starving, so I took my ex-wife and the kids to dinner, as they were all in shock and had never seen my gf behave like this.
At dinner, my gf started calling me. I texted her and said I didn't want to fight. I eventually answered her call. She asked where I was. I told her I had taken my ex and kids to dinner. She told me to come home immediately. I said: I can come back after dinner.
She was at my house, and then threatened to start breaking my property. I told her if she did I would call the police. She then called my ex and told her to make me come there. She said: He's a grown man, I can't make him do anything.
We hurry up and finish dinner. I arrive at my house and there is a firetruck, paramedics, and police. She had called 911 because she was having a panic attack.
She was taken to the hospital, where she refused treatment. She went to sleep and drove to Florida the next morning with her kids.
While there, she slept, cried, and fought with me via text. I tried to calm her down, but nothing worked. I suggested counseling when she returned.
Three days later, I was getting ready to take my kids to dinner. My ex was bringing them over. It was about 6pm.
My ex-girlfriend calls and demands to come to my house and get a few things she'd left. Non-essential things. I thought she just wanted to have a fight, so I told her it wasn't a good time. I asked her not to come.
She came anyway. She rang the bell, knocked very loudly... over and over, for about 3 minutes.. I ignored her.. I was still trying to get ready to leave the house to take my kids to dinner.
She then used several large rocks to break the windows next to my door. I called the police. She reached in and opened the door and came in.
I went to my bedroom and blocked the door. She was screaming the entire time. She said things like: "I just want to talk to you!", but I didn't want to have a "conversation" like that.
She forced her way into the bedroom, so I went into the master bathroom and blocked the door again. The entire time, I am holding a phone, so this is quite awkward.
The 911 operator asked me if she had any weapons. I said: No, I don't think so.
I peeked out the door, and she was standing there holding a steak knife up to her throat. I backed away from the door, and she entered the bathroom. I said: "OMG she has a knife!"
I decided it wasn't a good idea to try to fight her for the knife, because either of us could be seriously injured in the struggle. I reached up slowly, toward the knife with my left hand. My motions was kind of like what you do when you're saying "calm down" and hold up your hands.
I put my hand close to the knife blade, as it was erratically moving, and two of my fingers were sliced. I backed away and watched my fingers bleed.
She said she was going to go get my gun, and suicide by cop, because she knew they were coming.
She called me a "pussy" for not fighting her. That hurt my feelings, but I realized that if I did engage with her, I would end up going to prison, or dead.
The entire time, I was in fear for my life. I had no idea if she intended to stab me.
She went downstairs, and the police came. The police told me it was okay to come down.
I was in shock. I couldn't believe what had just happened.
She was arrested for burglary, aggravated assault, and possession of a weapon while committing a crime. All felonies in Georgia.
She is a certified teacher, and will absolutely lose her certification is convicted.
I feel like this is all my fault. I wasn't perfect in the relationship. She had issues with jealousy. I never cheated on her. She didn't like that I had friends who are female.
Now, here I am. I took out a Temporary Protective Order against her. I want to contact her to tell her that I'm willing to work with her attorney to reduce the charges if possible.
She went to jail for the night, but her parents put up their house to get her out of jail. The bail was $40,000.
I didn't want her to get into so much trouble. All I can say is WTF. I haven't spoken to her since. This happened 4 days ago. I want so badly to communicate with her and see if she is doing okay and let her know that I am willing to help reduce the charges if I can.
I know I should probably try to move on, because this was an unhealthy relationship..
I just need support to deal with this situation.
Is anyone out there?
Thanks,
More2Life
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Your girlfriend has anger issues that are too volatile for her to be around your kids. She needs mental help and/or anger counseling in the worst way.
I understand that you may love her but, this relationship has issues that may never be resolved and personally, I think you would be better off to end this relationship for the sake of your safety and for your kids. Without help, she will do this again and it may be worse. Just my two cents.
I understand how guilty you feel for the consequences of her actions and we must be realistic: the charges she got were due to what she did: break the window, aggression, threats with the knife and then pursuing with the gun risk of co-suicide, aside from the possible risk of murder, she is in fact a danger not only to you but your children. What if you would not have been alone in the house? What is one of your children would be available and close to the door seeing all this unfolding in front of their eyes? You must agree this is unforgettable just imagining the entire event, needless to say living it.
It is not your fault that she put herself in jail due to her actions. I understand you feel guilty and right now a it in denial feeling pressured by her family with their financial struggle to get their daughter out of jail. Please keep the restraining order and extend for your children's sake and your own.
This will not get lighter... only temporarily calm, indicating a new storm is coming.
What type of lesson would you be teaching YOUR children if you went back? That they have to stay in physically abusive and dangerous situations? You've got to think of your kids in this one.
Like OldBiker said, if you go back, the next time it could be worse. She might injure or kill one of your kids or you.
Walk away and talk to your counselor about this situation.
I've been talking with her a little. She assured me that she didn't mean to hurt me. That she was only trying to hurt herself and that I got cut with the knife when I tried to stop her. She assured me that she would never hurt my kids, and it upset her when I asked her the question.
We went to see fireworks together last night, but ran into her sister, who had some very negative words for me. I told her she didn't know what was going on. But, that wasn't very comfortable. It's as if everyone she is close to seems to think I am a bad person for getting the authorities involved.
I went over to her house tonight, and one of her girlfriends was there. The girlfriend told me to leave. My ex didn't even talk with me. Her friend pushed her back into the house, and told me to leave.
I know my ex-girlfriend went to see her lawyer today. Her family has asked me to drop the temporary protective order, and try to work with the DA to reduce the charges.
The hardest part on me is not knowing what SHE is thinking. She knows I love her, and that I don't want her to get in any trouble. Right now, she's very scared that she's going to get in trouble if we are talking, so she doesn't reply to my txts or phone calls.
I'm not exactly sure what she's told her friends about this situation, but they are treating me as if I've done something wrong.
I really want to her with the charges, so I can spend time with her, because I truly believe this was due to the medication issues.
My therapist told me that she is mentally ill and needs help, and that it was good that this happened, because now she might get the help she needs.
I really appreciate everyone posting, it helps me not to feel so anxious about the whole situation.
So, tomorrow, I plan to go to and have the temporary protective order lifted. She is still barred from talking with me by the terms of her bond, so I want to see if I can get that changed. I really just want things to get back to normal and have her get help.
My ex-wife is really upset about the whole situation. I told her it would be a long time before I'd want my girlfriend to spend time around the kids. At least six months, if she's showing significant progress.
I don't want to give up on her. However, this whole situation makes me feel helpless. When my ex-wife and I were at our worst, we were still able to communicate like rational adults and work things out for the sake of the kids.
I have never been in a situation where I haven't been allowed to communicate with someone I care about. The most difficult part is not knowing what she is thinking.
Anyway, that's the update. Right now I am having a difficult time trying to absorb everything. I don't want to believe that this relationship is completely over. We've spent a few hours together each night since Monday, and it's been really nice.
She even came over to my house yesterday and cleaned up the blood from the bathroom floor, and did the dishes.
Of course, we've had sex, and it's been great.
Sigh..
Thanks for the help everyone. I feel like I'm the worst person ever.
Seriously? SERIOUSLY?
There is a protective order. Newsflash: it's not just to protect you from her. You are in violation of that protective order. Why did you not have it lifted days ago if you were contacting her?
This is not a game. This is a women's LIFE that you are messing with. Her entire being. Her future. Her job.
This is not love. This is a sick addiction.
So... this woman threatens to kill herself... she gets arrested and a protective order slapped on... you don't have the protective order lifted and continue to contact her... and then you have her come over and clean up your place and you have sex. This is after you cancelled a trip to Disney last minute, therefore not only upsetting her, but her kids and your kids as well.
This is a very emotionally fragile woman, and you are walking all over her. Do you crave drama? Crazy make up sex? What is the deal?
Whenever men say that they had a "crazy ex", it's usually because the man did something to bring it out.
I will repeat: She will not get better with you in her life, only with you out of it. Period. Your continuing to contact her, to use her, to try to have any relationship with her is you showing that her well-being is your last priority.
This may sound mean... but if I were there in person, I would give you a smack. I'm sure they made it very clear to you that the protective order went both ways. You are not above the law.
Seriously?!?!? WTF?!?!?
As much as I hate to do this, I see that the best thing for me to do is break contact with her. She is afraid of getting in trouble and having to go to jail for 8 months until her court date. I don't want that either.
The TPO hearing is on July 17. I plan on talking with her lawyer to see if it will make any material difference if I try to dismiss the TPO before then. It might actually look worse as I would be behaving in the classical "abused spouse" pattern.
The thing that's bothered me regarding the incident, is that the police report says she "luged" at me with the knife, which is not true. I want to clear that up.
Please be aware she may very well be doing the nice routine with you to get those charges dropped and out of legal trouble and then may dump you.
As for the sex thing (and the entire scenario actually), I'm not trying to be mean either , but I find it sickening and disgusting.
Point taken.
I don't want to sound mean, but can't think of any other way to say it.... please keep in mind.... I've been there...
You sound EXACTLY like someone who's been abused. We get these distorted views on what happened, think we can FIX it....
The police got information from EVERYONE on what happened and made their report. An ACCURATE report. They have to - because this all goes to a judge and it affects people's lives! I know you don't think it's correct, I know you think you need to change it.... But you CAN'T. Because even if you did, you were STILL injured and it's not like you can scrub away the cut, right? And there may be things in the report that you aren't aware of... did you turn your back on her while they were there? So that you didn't SEE the lunge?
Protection Orders MUST be followed by BOTH of you.... if you are seriously thinking that you want to keep your relationship going, then FOLLOW it.... give her space... give yourself space.... You both definitely need it! and by doing so, you give each other a chance to FIX the issues and it's going to take much more than a few weeks or months to fix.... because seriously - emotions get in the way BIG TIME. And just the fact that you are trying to change the police report means that you've been sucked into the psychological mess as well! That's not to say that you are sick too... you are just behaving in the SAME WAY that the rest of us VICTIMS have. It's the reason many of us end up dead....
My X also said he'd never do it again and I believed him.... believed him so much at after the first assault back in 2000, we still "dated", still had sex.... but when we got back together after a 3 month separation, we BOTH KNEW it was too soon. We should have wait 6 or more.... because the reasons for the fighting came flooding back instantly, the tension between us was there immediately - the moment I put my stuff back in the house. And it was WAY harder than it should have been....
Despite that, we worked things out (well tried - no, I tried... see what I mean about distorted view?), I thought we learned how to communicate without screaming at each other anymore and I thought we were finally becoming the couple we should have been.... but that wasn't the case at all. During the divorce, he said he just pretended to communicate - he felt it was easier that way - so he lied and lied and lied... and when I started to notice the lies, he started throwing things... and when I would accidently stumble on the truth, it got worse... and what I didn't realize at the time was that over the last 6 months of our marriage, he was poisoning me. Did I tell the police? No. I packed the evidence in his stuff during the divorce and GAVE it to him..... now tell me how that's being healthy....
So I'm asking... for the sake of the CHILDREN... PLEASE STEP BACK, ALLOW THE COURTS TO DO WHAT THEY ARE THERE FOR... because WHAT IF one of the children is the one harmed next time... WHAT IF they're killed? Would you be able to handle that pain, that guilt because you were too impatient to wait? Do you really want to RISK that?
I hope this helps.
your personal experiences and depth of knowlefge and compassion for this situation is atoundin
i wish i'd had you around 6 years ago
you are this forums soft place to land for people stuck in the haze of trauma bonding
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))
please keep adding your voice to this discussion
For myself, I just know my own capacity to go straight into denial to protect my own little illusory fantasy world, until I get taken advantage of and kicked around long enough that I'm no longer able to maintain it. My ex got away with everything short of murder, and. I covered his butt while he threw me under a bus.
I'd rather be upfront and shake people up into a little awarness if it helps them to not be lied to and pooped on.
My ex has did dispicable things and got away with it. He almost took me down and threw me to the wolves. Not happening again. No way jose.