Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I had been dating a girl for almost a year. There were a few red flags. She had a temper, and the communication between us was usually a one way street (we would talk, but she wouldn't understand me).
On to the story....
We were supposed to go to Disney World with ALL of our kids. She has two, I have three. There were some unresolved issues that I wanted to discuss before we left on the trip. The discussion never happened, so I ended up cancelling the trip at the last minute.
My ex-wife arrived to drop off the kids, bags packed, etc.
My girlfriend was furious, screaming at me in front of the kids, etc.
I realize the timing was bad, but I was afraid something dramatic would happen in Florida if I went with her, and I didn't want to subject my kids to that.
This was a big stressful situation, and the kids were starving, so I took my ex-wife and the kids to dinner, as they were all in shock and had never seen my gf behave like this.
At dinner, my gf started calling me. I texted her and said I didn't want to fight. I eventually answered her call. She asked where I was. I told her I had taken my ex and kids to dinner. She told me to come home immediately. I said: I can come back after dinner.
She was at my house, and then threatened to start breaking my property. I told her if she did I would call the police. She then called my ex and told her to make me come there. She said: He's a grown man, I can't make him do anything.
We hurry up and finish dinner. I arrive at my house and there is a firetruck, paramedics, and police. She had called 911 because she was having a panic attack.
She was taken to the hospital, where she refused treatment. She went to sleep and drove to Florida the next morning with her kids.
While there, she slept, cried, and fought with me via text. I tried to calm her down, but nothing worked. I suggested counseling when she returned.
Three days later, I was getting ready to take my kids to dinner. My ex was bringing them over. It was about 6pm.
My ex-girlfriend calls and demands to come to my house and get a few things she'd left. Non-essential things. I thought she just wanted to have a fight, so I told her it wasn't a good time. I asked her not to come.
She came anyway. She rang the bell, knocked very loudly... over and over, for about 3 minutes.. I ignored her.. I was still trying to get ready to leave the house to take my kids to dinner.
She then used several large rocks to break the windows next to my door. I called the police. She reached in and opened the door and came in.
I went to my bedroom and blocked the door. She was screaming the entire time. She said things like: "I just want to talk to you!", but I didn't want to have a "conversation" like that.
She forced her way into the bedroom, so I went into the master bathroom and blocked the door again. The entire time, I am holding a phone, so this is quite awkward.
The 911 operator asked me if she had any weapons. I said: No, I don't think so.
I peeked out the door, and she was standing there holding a steak knife up to her throat. I backed away from the door, and she entered the bathroom. I said: "OMG she has a knife!"
I decided it wasn't a good idea to try to fight her for the knife, because either of us could be seriously injured in the struggle. I reached up slowly, toward the knife with my left hand. My motions was kind of like what you do when you're saying "calm down" and hold up your hands.
I put my hand close to the knife blade, as it was erratically moving, and two of my fingers were sliced. I backed away and watched my fingers bleed.
She said she was going to go get my gun, and suicide by cop, because she knew they were coming.
She called me a "pussy" for not fighting her. That hurt my feelings, but I realized that if I did engage with her, I would end up going to prison, or dead.
The entire time, I was in fear for my life. I had no idea if she intended to stab me.
She went downstairs, and the police came. The police told me it was okay to come down.
I was in shock. I couldn't believe what had just happened.
She was arrested for burglary, aggravated assault, and possession of a weapon while committing a crime. All felonies in Georgia.
She is a certified teacher, and will absolutely lose her certification is convicted.
I feel like this is all my fault. I wasn't perfect in the relationship. She had issues with jealousy. I never cheated on her. She didn't like that I had friends who are female.
Now, here I am. I took out a Temporary Protective Order against her. I want to contact her to tell her that I'm willing to work with her attorney to reduce the charges if possible.
She went to jail for the night, but her parents put up their house to get her out of jail. The bail was $40,000.
I didn't want her to get into so much trouble. All I can say is WTF. I haven't spoken to her since. This happened 4 days ago. I want so badly to communicate with her and see if she is doing okay and let her know that I am willing to help reduce the charges if I can.
I know I should probably try to move on, because this was an unhealthy relationship..
I just need support to deal with this situation.
Is anyone out there?
Thanks,
More2Life
On to the story....
We were supposed to go to Disney World with ALL of our kids. She has two, I have three. There were some unresolved issues that I wanted to discuss before we left on the trip. The discussion never happened, so I ended up cancelling the trip at the last minute.
My ex-wife arrived to drop off the kids, bags packed, etc.
My girlfriend was furious, screaming at me in front of the kids, etc.
I realize the timing was bad, but I was afraid something dramatic would happen in Florida if I went with her, and I didn't want to subject my kids to that.
This was a big stressful situation, and the kids were starving, so I took my ex-wife and the kids to dinner, as they were all in shock and had never seen my gf behave like this.
At dinner, my gf started calling me. I texted her and said I didn't want to fight. I eventually answered her call. She asked where I was. I told her I had taken my ex and kids to dinner. She told me to come home immediately. I said: I can come back after dinner.
She was at my house, and then threatened to start breaking my property. I told her if she did I would call the police. She then called my ex and told her to make me come there. She said: He's a grown man, I can't make him do anything.
We hurry up and finish dinner. I arrive at my house and there is a firetruck, paramedics, and police. She had called 911 because she was having a panic attack.
She was taken to the hospital, where she refused treatment. She went to sleep and drove to Florida the next morning with her kids.
While there, she slept, cried, and fought with me via text. I tried to calm her down, but nothing worked. I suggested counseling when she returned.
Three days later, I was getting ready to take my kids to dinner. My ex was bringing them over. It was about 6pm.
My ex-girlfriend calls and demands to come to my house and get a few things she'd left. Non-essential things. I thought she just wanted to have a fight, so I told her it wasn't a good time. I asked her not to come.
She came anyway. She rang the bell, knocked very loudly... over and over, for about 3 minutes.. I ignored her.. I was still trying to get ready to leave the house to take my kids to dinner.
She then used several large rocks to break the windows next to my door. I called the police. She reached in and opened the door and came in.
I went to my bedroom and blocked the door. She was screaming the entire time. She said things like: "I just want to talk to you!", but I didn't want to have a "conversation" like that.
She forced her way into the bedroom, so I went into the master bathroom and blocked the door again. The entire time, I am holding a phone, so this is quite awkward.
The 911 operator asked me if she had any weapons. I said: No, I don't think so.
I peeked out the door, and she was standing there holding a steak knife up to her throat. I backed away from the door, and she entered the bathroom. I said: "OMG she has a knife!"
I decided it wasn't a good idea to try to fight her for the knife, because either of us could be seriously injured in the struggle. I reached up slowly, toward the knife with my left hand. My motions was kind of like what you do when you're saying "calm down" and hold up your hands.
I put my hand close to the knife blade, as it was erratically moving, and two of my fingers were sliced. I backed away and watched my fingers bleed.
She said she was going to go get my gun, and suicide by cop, because she knew they were coming.
She called me a "pussy" for not fighting her. That hurt my feelings, but I realized that if I did engage with her, I would end up going to prison, or dead.
The entire time, I was in fear for my life. I had no idea if she intended to stab me.
She went downstairs, and the police came. The police told me it was okay to come down.
I was in shock. I couldn't believe what had just happened.
She was arrested for burglary, aggravated assault, and possession of a weapon while committing a crime. All felonies in Georgia.
She is a certified teacher, and will absolutely lose her certification is convicted.
I feel like this is all my fault. I wasn't perfect in the relationship. She had issues with jealousy. I never cheated on her. She didn't like that I had friends who are female.
Now, here I am. I took out a Temporary Protective Order against her. I want to contact her to tell her that I'm willing to work with her attorney to reduce the charges if possible.
She went to jail for the night, but her parents put up their house to get her out of jail. The bail was $40,000.
I didn't want her to get into so much trouble. All I can say is WTF. I haven't spoken to her since. This happened 4 days ago. I want so badly to communicate with her and see if she is doing okay and let her know that I am willing to help reduce the charges if I can.
I know I should probably try to move on, because this was an unhealthy relationship..
I just need support to deal with this situation.
Is anyone out there?
Thanks,
More2Life
I learned a hard way that you can not help her. She has to seek the help herself. I tried helping someone once get of drugs by calling the doctor and talking with them and got scrips to help and they abused the script. I tried getting that person to go to church all I got was "I don't need to others telling me I screw up all the time." I realized I was trying to force this person into help when they were not ready for help.
You really are enabling her and have to stop. This is not good for your children either. You must see what impression this is leaving on your children.
The best advise is get help for your co-dependency and enabling others and keep the lawyer!!!!!
It is your responsibility as a parent to keep a person who is this unstable and violent away from your children. If I'm to be blunt, after reading your replies here, I don't believe that you will wait 6 months to see if she stabilizes before you let her around your kids. If I was your ex, I would take court action to prevent you from allowing her anywhere near them. Justifiably.
Less than 2 weeks ago, she pulled a knife and threatened to get a gun, threatened suicide by cop, broke your windows with rocks,. She has been charged with 3 felonies... And she's already back to your bed and cleaning your home. Felony charges are appropriate here.
I was reluctant to reply to this because reading it I couldn't determine if it was even true. I mean no offense, your priorities are completely out of whack here. Your judgement is questionable at best.
My advice would be that you drop contact with her completely and permanently. It's one thing to willingly put yourself in the presence of someone who is dangerous, to knowingly put your children in the presence of someone dangerous and unstable is just irresponsible, negligent and selfish.
I wish you luck.
absolutely crazy.
One question...Where your children in the house when this transpired?
As a mother, if I knew my ex could even remotely expose my children to this craziness, I would be in court seeking a modification of custody/visitation in a heart-beat.
It also concerns me that this women is around other small children as the director of a pre-school. Who is to say she won't "snap" at the pre-school and hold children at knife-point???
When you find someone you are TRULY in love with, you accept their issues, you accept their quirks, you accept their pain. And because you love so much, all you want for the other person is to help them through whatever is going on... help them heal, help them move on...
And over time (sometimes it's quick, sometimes - like me - it's over decades - 30 years for me), you keep giving chances, keep hoping... might (like me) even put on the rose colored glasses with blinders on the side so you won't have to see the truth. Until it tries to kill you....
But even by then the habit of shoving those glasses back onto your face is such a regular part of your life that you WANT to keep doing it.
Strange thing is... the BEST thing I could have done for my X was leave.... let him see his pain on his own... let him... no FORCE him, to face it. What scares me more than being harmed again, being around him again, is to know that he'll probably turn to someone else with a big heart and do it to them or worse.... I wish I'd turned that evidence over to the police.... not so that he'd be arrested, but so that he couldn't hurt anyone else.
Inside it feels like I've gashed myself and need stitches... but luckily there enough rational side left to realize that even though the stitches hurt, it WILL heal and I'll move on.
BTW, thanks for all of you being here... you've been helping the healing is go VERY quickly! {{HUGS}}
YES, the kids NEED to be protected at all costs...
And remember... these people who do the violence were children once and they functioned in just society fine back then or they wouldn't be out there... somewhere along the way THEY decided that they no longer needed to... THEY chose to self-medicate, not medicate, rage out of control, hurt. THEY have to be the ones to find the treatment, get it fixed, TRY.
And those of us with the rose colored glasses need to step away, take the glasses off and CRUSH them under our feet and NEVER rebuild new ones. Our lives depend on it. {{HUGS}}
Not to denigrate you or your experience, I think many posters here are attempting to get Move2Life to remove the rose-colored glasses sooner rather than later. We do understand how it happens, its a slippery slope when we choose to overlook the danger signs in hopes that "things will change/get better."
MtnLion, I agree with you in theory and understand it because I have been there. But, it is idealistic thinking. In the real world, we tell our various stories to one another so that they will lower their bars of expectations of us.
For example, a person who states that they suffer from chronic depression is telling the other person that they are refusing to be accountable for creating a happy home and they want that other person to agree to let them off the hook for it and for them to double up their efforts toward making a happy home.
We spin all sorts of unspoken stories like that to one another. We have to stop giving other people and ourselves permission to have bars of expectations set so low.
about judgment, discernment, expectations and snobbery
My ex-wife pointed at my house and said: "Talk to him." My girlfriend was furious that my ex-wife nor I were willing to talk with her when she was in her rage.
That is her reason for breaking the windows and coming in the house. So she could talk with me.
My ex-wife said that if I lift the protective order, she would file one herself for the kids. I understand that it is our obligation to protect the kids, and at present, I am not okay with my girlfriend being around the kids. I don't want them to get re-attached to her, especially if my girlfriend ends up in prison!
I do appreciate everyone's feedback.
Thank you all,
More2Life
Be able to set realistic expectations based on knowledge of the others shortcomings (be it physical, mental, etc) and make determination whether or not that is acceptable, yes.
By your example, when I told my now husband that I was a recovering alcoholic with bi-polar disorder with a divorce behind me (full disclosure to him) I was asking him to give me a pass on being an accountable and responsible partner in a relationship since I have addiction, mental illness and a bad relationship in my past. I don't think so.