I posted a few weeks back that my wife, my HS sweetheart had moved out and asked me for a divorce. We were married 16 years, together for nearly 28, since we were 17. She moved out on 1/15/16, and 2 weeks later asked for a divorce. Since then shes been so cold to me, like I mean nothing to her. Seems from reading thats what happens when someone makes up their mind up to leave. While its hard to understand how someone can do that, I guess its better than being lead on that there may be hope, like she did for the 19 months leading up to this.

Anyway the court date for the divorce is next Thursday, 4/14 and it will all be over. All the years with the only women I have truly loved will be done and I will be forced to try and start over. I am so scared and dreading this day, so much so that all I think about is blowing me head off so I dont have to face it. I am starting to scare myself a bit as the feelings of impending doom are getting stronger by the day, and I keep telling myself I will not die divorce. Along with those thoughts are thoughts of all the great years and times we had together, I find myself frequently crying throughout the day. Its really having a toll on everything I do as its like a debilitating disease. Why cant I remember the past 19 months and how I fought like crazy to save our marriage and my wife just pushed away until she got the courage to leave? Some of the things she said and done during this time was just so out of character for her, just mean, insensitive and somewhat demoralizing. Yet I cannot or chose not to remember these times! WHY?????

Im really not sure what to do at this point. I have no family, the few friends I have are either married or live in another State. In the 11+ weeks that shes been gone I really havent done much other than work, sleep and drink a bit too much. I hate the weekends as I do nothing, when I do, do something its alone and I find myself looking at other people to see if their alone, or even wearing a wedding band as I want to feel there are other people out there like me (single). I know there are, but to me I cannot see it, it feels like all I see are happy couples and they are all looking at me strange because Im alone and quietly saying what a loser. I do try and do things but either back out or do the same old boring, repetitive things. I guess part of the reason for that is anywhere I go I have memories of her / us, I cannot seems to find new places to go or things to do. Its like I dont know what I like anymore, like Ive lost my identity.

Not sure what Im looking to hear by writing this, maybe just a shoulder to cry on as the tears just wont stop. Maybe once the divorce is finalized Ill start to feel better, who knows. Let hope so and lets hope I make it so that day!

Well everyone thanks for listening and I hope youre having a better day then I am.

Felix