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Fear of being alone. Fear of Fearing

tailspin916
tailspin916
It's official, circumstance with her friend changed and my wife will be moving in with her friend mid April when her friend's husband gets deployed for 9 months in Afghanistan.

I'm going to be alone for the first time in 10 years. The home that once had 4 kids running around will soon be empty, with just me living in it.

I'm going to open up to you guys if you don't mind: I fear loneliness, I fear being alone with nobody to love, touch, and hold tightly in my arms. I fear the single life, as I truly believe I was born to be a family man. I fear dating...that is if I find someone who would want to date an old 44 year old man. I feel I will never meet another woman with whom to share the rest of my life with. I fear spending the rest of my life as a lonely old man siting in a wheelchair facing an open window at an assisted living facility.
As superficial as this may sound, I fear that I will never find a woman as beautiful as my stunning wife. My friends and family used to joke about how a dork like me landed a hot Kate Beckinsale look alike. I was the guy people pointed when I'm with her saying,"He's either rich or has a big rhymes with rock". When in all actuality, she fell in love with me, because I wasn't rich and the size of my penis, let's just say, can't compete with a cucumber.

I'm going to be sad and lonely, then grow old and die alone. That, my friends, will soon be my reality.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Wow..putting on the show at the wedding and back to the real deal when home...that would drive me batshit crazy. Not sure how your dealing with that...ugh
pinkrose28
pinkrose28
I think she was just pretending in front of other people. She wants people to think things are okay. I think her living in that house is so damaging for your progress. I think she has certainly decided in her head this marriage is over and I don't think she feels or wants anything else at this point. I think flashes of good moments here and there and the random smiles or seeing her ring on will give you false hope. I think it is important to not get caught up in those moments. I know that its possible for us to believe so much in that hope because the alternative is soooooo painful. Acceptance for what is happening is the toughest stage. we will do anything to avoid having to feel what may come along with it but every single time there is that false hope it only derails progress and it starts all over again. The cycle is one I clearly have related with. Its exhausting.

I think the less time you spend around her the better. living together is a tough situation but if its possible to avoid any time together that isn't required I feel it would help stop some of the roller coaster emotions. are you seeing a therapist ?
Missy73
Missy73
I don't think her behavior is at all mysterious. She was putting on a front. Pinkrose summed it up very well. I'm sorry if her actions gave you false hope.
idontmakeherhapyenuf
idontmakeherhapyenuf
I don't envy you, Tailspin916. We are all going through confusing, painful, traumatic crap, but yours is particularly hard to fathom. I wonder, if during one of her performances in front of others, what would you see if you looked deeply into her eyes and let her see into your heart. Would she soften, and show some humanity? Would she look away in shame? Would she continue in hopes of an Oscar-worthy performance for her friends? I would hope the first.

I am truly amazed you are doing as well as you are. Praying for you, man.
tailspin916
tailspin916
It does hurt and it truly sucks. Bottom line is I know how she feels and know her mind is made up. She is moving out soon, so I'm not going to make things even more difficult by asking her to leave sooner, nor am I going to ask her about us and the status of our marriage. She's emotionally checked out and I truly accept that. As for her Oscar award winnng performance at the wedding, I can't really comment. I think she's not only trying to save face, but trying to make the best of the circumstances and not let anyone at the wedding lose focus on the new bride and groom, because another marriage is in the middle of fallng apart.
charlieobx
charlieobx
Hi. I'm new to this site and your feed is the first one I started to read. My husband and I divorced 6 years ago and supposedly reconciled 3 1/2 years ago. He moved back home with me and our child. I wanted so much to keep my family together, not be alone, work on being together, etc. Now I'm still just as alone and isolated as I was when we were married. The week before my favorite aunt died, she told me, "I think you're just too scared to go out into the world and find real love." She was right. Now my child is older and not at home as much and I have an ex that sleeps down the hall and pays no attention to me. I think of the old adage: "Be careful what you wish for." I remember all too well hanging in there and hoping he and I could reconcile, but looking back, I could have been out there finding happiness. I wish you all the best and am sorry you're going through this.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Very insightful post CharlieOBX...as much as I wanted to reconcile after my split I'm sure we would've ended up where we left off...sometimes it's just better to call it like it is and take care of yourself. Your aunt was very wise, sorry for your loss and situation. I hope you find happiness. I have learned it's better to be alone than with someone who has checked out. 1000% better. Take care.
tailspin916
tailspin916
Hi Charlie, your aunt was a very intelligent person. I too know that I deserve better. Until this January, I really felt all was great and nothing can be better than what we've had for the past 10 years. I just don't want to look back 10 years from now and regretting not letting go....
broken234
broken234
I think the last several posts summed it up pretty well. She was pretending in front of other people. And you are prob right about her not wanting to deflect the attention away from the bride and groom. But some of the actions like sitting on your lap may have been too much pretending. That is kind of cruel. But then again weddings have a way to lighten the mood and make people feel like loving and being loved. Too bad that feeling can't be held forever. I think you will be better off when she moves out and you can start healing. I know what it's like waiting for a specific moment that you have to wait for so you can begin your journey to healing. Its only a couple weeks away. Hang in there.
tailspin916
tailspin916
Thanks everyone. Yeah if she sticks to her schedule, she'll be gone in a few weeks. She's been gone since this morning and hasn't been home since. I know I need to stop wondering where she is and when she will be back, but it's tough not to.

I hate it when my mind starts wondering. I'm actually getting really sad being alone at home right now.
murphytoronto
murphytoronto
It did help me moving out of the house a year after she walked out

New life...new plans

hard process
murphytoronto
murphytoronto
btw
I was 50 and there are lots of women our age who are single and wanting a good man
Hang in there and you will eventually find a new life and new love

you are still young
sja
sja
Your STBX is really ticking me off. Holy selfish woman. She has absolutely no respect for you or your boundaries. You are doing such a great job staying strong. When I told my ex husband I wanted a divorce, I tried very hard not to toy with him or give him false hope. I didn't want him to hurt anymore than he already was, and even though I had checked out of the marriage a long time before, I still hurt because I was hurting him. I know you are working hard to be strong and stay focused on the reality of the situation, but she is sending you a lot of mixed messages and should absolutely be ashamed of herself. I hope the saying, "what goes around comes around" happens in this case. She deserves it. Karma can be a bitch. Once she is out and you aren't constantly being confronted with her antics, I hope you will be able to say good riddance to bad rubbish. You deserve soooo much better than what you are getting from her, and even though you are not at a point to think of another relationship, nor should you, there are a million other women who would be GRATEFUL for someone as caring as you. You hang in there and keep being strong.
tailspin916
tailspin916
Well, she just got home. She said she went shopping all day.

Funny how I keep telling myself it's over and to try to stop caring about where she goes and what she does. Funny how I keep telling myself that she needs to move out as soon as she can. Funny how I keep telling myself I deserve better and she doesn't deserve me. Funny that no matter what I try to tell myself, it still hurts. This time was bad, as I literally had a pain in my chest.

My friends, as loving and supportive as they are, just don't truly understand what I'm going through. A few of them told me to meet them at a local hangout, as there are lots of women there and the band is awesome. When I graciously turned them down, the response was, "Dude, stop being such a bitch!" Of course this was said jokingly, but still....
tailspin916
tailspin916
Well she's sleeping in the guest room and stupidly left her phone on the kitchen counter. Again temptation got the best of me and I read her texts. I know this is a total violation of trust and privacy, but I just have to know what's going on in her head.

Text to her best friend earlier today, "I'm shopping and need to stay out of the house. I'm avoiding ." Then a bunch of other back and forth stuff between them. Then just before she left her phone on the counter, her last text to her friend, "fuck he's here! I'm going to change and lock myself in the room to avoid having to talk to him."

I think that's all I need to know. I'm not going through her phone anymore. Nothing good comes from reading her texts other than ABSOLUTE confirmation things are over. Now I know her sitting on my lap and talking fondly about our family to other guests at her friend's wedding were nothing but an Oscar Award winning act.

No more hope about her having a change of heart and of saving our marriage. Thank you all again for your words of advice, encouragement and support. I really don't think I will be able to get through this without you all.