Hi oleander, just wanted to say that in 1998 I lost 7 friends and family within 9 months. At first it was illnesses, but weird, like my uncle who was forty just dying in his sleep, and accidents, but later it was these violent car and airplane crashes. :P I was really freaking out, because it seemed like the world is plotting against me into this weird scenario. Then three months after that, my home country where all my and my husband's family was, got bombed the shit out of. It took me about a year and a half to stop being violently suicidal on a daily basis. But I did, eventually, and after that, I had some good years. It did stop for me, and it WILL stop for you.

I know you think your friends don't care, but they probably do, just being in a small town, like you said, they're probably too weak-willed to help you now. As for your family, they are not stepping up either, but that doesn't mean they don't love you. Just that at this particular time, they are weak. They will turn around. They care enough to monitor your pills don't they? So they don't really think you're just kidding, they care, but maybe just can't show it in a way you need right now. But they will come around. My mom actually apologized for the abuse she put me through. It took her 15 years, but people do come around. Your family will too.

You've had some hard stuff happen to you, me too, I've been beaten, I've been molested, I've been raped, it took me almost ten years to get over that, but I did. You WILL get better. I promise you that. Losing so many loved ones so quickly is HARD. Anyone would get depressed and suicidal, but IT WILL PASS.

But most importantly:

It sounds like you're getting really shitty care. I know docs can be pretty stupid, and I don't think you're 'crazy' for yelling at your doc. I'd be angry too. I can only assume in a small town it can just be worse. You have to get out of there, and get yourself to a real doctor.

Here's an idea: get in your car, and drive to, say, Chicago. You need a big city, with a big important hospital. THERE, commit yourself into one of the big hospital ERs. They don't know who you are, they have to take you even without insurance (I know the University of Chicago hospital has to, and I'm sure others have to, too), and they have to take you seriously. Just give them a fake address to send the bill to, ha-ha... Or go to Cook County Hospital, it's a pretty good hospital. You may be the only white American there, but if you're OK with that, that's the place to go. A friend of mine takes her mom there, and I was planning to take my mom there when she comes to visit. That hospital should be totally free for you. They don't even take your SSN there.

You know yourself you need your treatment changed. It's disgrace that your docs are dismissing you. Obviously, you care about yourself enough to stand up to your doc. Also, going to a mental health doctor in a small town takes courage, so I know you're a strong person. You may think it's a sign of weakness, but it's not, it's a sign of strength. (I've been there too. I was the only one I knew who went to a p-doc, and I was shit-scared of the stigma and the problems you're going through with your friends. I just asked my pediatrician for a referral, my folks never knew (we had state insurance), and none of my friends knew. Fifteen years later, I told them, each on their own schedule, and, with some life experience under their belt, they were cool with it.)

You need a real doctor, to give you real care. They CAN fix you up. The care you've been getting is not the best they can do. No wonder you're still suicidal!

Just hold on. Stop making plans for a suicide, and start making plans to get yourself better care. And know that jobs come and go, but your life is the most important thing you've got. Keep us posted!

I have been to small town dr's and some larger towns Topeka but it's just getting frustrating but thank you cb72 your post really was helpful and so was everyones, thanks for the advice I just wish my brain would listen to you all cuz deep down I know your right and it sucks to feel this way. It's weird when your brain controls your body, does that even make sense to you guys?

Also my mom keeps my meds because it's court mandated because I have od'd twice (sad part it was by accident) The first time was on pain pills to make my chest stop hurting and the second time noone would listen to me when I said I wanted help. So I decided to take a few pills. land in the hospital, then they have to help. Well stupid me took way too much apparently I passed out and still was taking pills. So I have no choice in the pill situation. But other than that my mom calls twice a day to see if I'm alive and all she cares to hear is that I'm living then hangs up.

Hi Oleander,

I know you have your appointment with your MD tomorrow..
How are you feeling today? I thought about you today when at work. Ironically we have a patient just like you on our service. She came to us being psychotic, but after 3 days, she is so much better..

I am curious what your MD's plan is tomorrow.. make sure you mention that you are extremely depressed and ask about being on an atidepressent

People care here because we all share so many universal feelings. We all know what we don't want anyone else to have to go through alone.
I've felt how you feel now and its been a major struggle to get to where I am now, but it has made me stronger and I would not do it any differently.
My sister shut me out when I was going through some rough shit. She couldn't deal.. like I could?!
Anyway, as much as I could have needed her, she wasn't the one who could really help me anyway. So as I was getting my moods stabilized, my sister noticed and we have built our relationship back up and are much better friends now. Give it some time. I know it hurts.
I was on lamictal/lithium/seroquel forever and always felt fucked up like it wasn't doing anything for me. I recently dropped the seroquel from the list and the other two seem to be working a lot better.
You could need a readjustment and if your doc won't work with you on that, is there a different doc you can see? You deserve to enjoy something out of life, not dread it. So many things are just unfair.

YOU are difinately worth the fight back up. You definately are.

I know there is strength in you. Hold onto it tightly.

Oh, I'm relieved that your mom calls twice a day, that's great. I would go weeks without talking to mine. She DOES care. Probably she just can't take too much right now, but she cares.

I also understand about your brain controlling your body. Yup. Oh, yeah. That's why you need better meds. Also, I found out on your page that you just quit smoking. Nicotine withdrawal can be a bitch, so that's not helping, but that will go away.

You've done so many things cold turkey, that's something to be proud of. Obviously you do believe in yourself. Keep that up! Message me anytime.

dying sucks a lot worse than living, and right now I am not sure my p doc isn't trying to kill me. I am sure as hell scared to take anything else she prescribes. hell I don't even want to take an aspirin right now. I would rather be sick if last night is the alternative.

I just want you to know that I have felt the way that you do. No meds seem to do anything for me other than maybe Xanax, have you ever tried that? It really calms me down. Just don't do it, please. You are scaring me, and I know I dont know you, but we are all connected, and none of us like to see each other in pain.
You have to know, and keep telling yourself that you will get through this. YOU WILL. And you will be GLAD that you did once you're out of this black hole.
There is so much to live for out there, you just have to give it more of a chance. Find something you are PASSIONATE about, and do that. Dont go to a job that you hate everyday, add positive things to your life that make YOU happy.

I am here for you, and please stay in touch.

when you go back to the hospital make it VERY clear to them that you intend to harm yourself regardless of what they do to calm you down, do not change you position. by law they have to help you or they are liable. IF for some strange reason they turn you away, go to another hospital. i also take lamictal, and it took me about five months to build up to the 400mg's that i take...so that may be the idea behind why you are still only at 100, this med needs to be slowly increased. it works VERY well for me and made me feel like i was waking up to my life. stay on your meds (mui importante'). i commend you for posting this. it must have taken alot of courage.

Thanks everyone for the advice I'm still alive and trying I see my doctor in Topeka at 2:30 and will be back at my apt around 5 or so and I will update on what she has to say.

thats good to hear. I hope your doc gets you all lined out,it does get better

allot of people dont understand the way it feels to be where you are now so they always tell you what they think will make you feel better and even though it seems as nobody cares just them sitting and talking to you about it shows they do care they just dont know how to help. i have noticed this about anyone who does not suffer from any disorder at all. just remember they do care and most of all i think everyone here cares. i will pray for you.

Well my apt isn't for another hour and half but I had to stop by my parents house to get my weekly pills and drop my kitten off (he has to go to the vet). The whole hour I have been here my mom has talked about my financial problems I am causing them. I have no income for the next three weeks or so til it's payday. All I asked for was 40 dollars for gas, I didn't care bout food, litter for my kitten, nothing just gas to get to and from Horton to Topeka and she goes off on how I'm waisting money and I better not go to the hospital and I need to get over being suicidal. Err...and I wonder why I wanna die. I also made the mistake of wearing a tank top and she saw my tattoo on my shoulder (that she knows is there) and starts yelling at me for getting tattoo's. 1)I didn't pay for them and 2)my body it's not like I'm going to regret them. All of my tattoo's are for people I have lost in life. Tomorrow a friend is paying for me to get the other two tattoo's I want (a rose on each upper arm with names of people I lost). Should be interesting when my mom see's those. I swear she is making me have an anger outburst and then she gets mad at me for getting angry. What am I supposed to feel?

Yeah, aren't mothers just sweet? My mom would lecture me like that about money when I asked for it, and we weren't given any pocket money, we had to ask pretty often. In eight grade, I asked for money to buy (required) textbooks for school, and she went off again. After about a half an hour of that crap, I decided it wasn't worth it, and I gave up. I went through eight grade without textbooks. I bought some used ones with some money I had, but they were partly out-of-date. I survived the grade though. And again, it's not that she didn't love me, it's just that she was too self-absorbed in her own problems. Blah.

The point being, yeah, I understand your frustration. I would just want to scream if I were you.

Well the dr apt was oh so fun. Told her bout this site, being suicidal, pills not working, no support system other than here. Her answer was keeping me on the meds I'm already on, seeing me next week, and talking bout God with me.
She also told me that I shouldn't be near my mom, HELLO if I wanna be here next week gotta get gas money. My mom right now is pissed cuz she said I lied to my shrink bout money issues. She isn't really talking unless I talk to her first which is always fun it starts with me asking a ? and ending up with the two of us fighting. God I can't wait to go home tonight. Thank goodness for having my own apt.